Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place, I'm new here.

I don't know what I am. I know I don't feel right as female, and I feel most comfortable presenting as male. I know I get horrid dysphoria and I hate my chest to the point of self harm and I feel uncomfortable in make up and I can't stand my hair long and I don't feel female. I feel more comfortable with male friends. I like more 'masculine' activities. Blah blah blah.

I think I'm pansexual/bisexual/whatever the hell we're calling it nowadays. I've always preferred guys though. Can you be gay and trans?

And sometimes I like to wear make up and dresses. I kind of feel like I'm dressing up, though. I feel like a man in drag. And it feels good (when I'm in the mood for it). Is it ok to be trans and to cross dress back to the sex you were born? Or is that like.. I don't know, not real or something?

Also, I haven't always 'known'. When I was really little I loved dresses and dolls. Then I was a complete tomboy. Then when I started high school I went 'emo', where boys and girls pretty much wear the same. And then when my mum wanted me to I started wearing dresses and colours and 'pretty' make up because she wanted me to and expected me to. She still says 'why aren't you wearing make up' when I try to leave the house without it and gets at me for wearing men's clothing or choosing jeans and shirts over leggings and skirts and stuff. When I was younger I used to want people to not know whether I was a girl or a boy. I used to rename myself with a gender neutral name, like Charlie.

I really want to be a man. But I'm scared that it's not real. That I'm making it up. That I'm stupid. Because I don't fit what everyone thinks I should fit. :/

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PM
I think I'm pansexual/bisexual/whatever the hell we're calling it nowadays. I've always preferred guys though. Can you be gay and trans?

Heck yes. There are many queer trans guys. (I am unsure of the exact statistics though, but from my understanding, it's pretty common.) Cis guys can be gay. Why can't we?

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PMAnd sometimes I like to wear make up and dresses. I kind of feel like I'm dressing up, though. I feel like a man in drag. And it feels good (when I'm in the mood for it). Is it ok to be trans and to cross dress back to the sex you were born? Or is that like.. I don't know, not real or something?

Why not? I like dresses too. Same as above, cis guys can wear dresses. Why can't we?

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PMAlso, I haven't always 'known'. When I was really little I loved dresses and dolls.

Quite a few people haven't "always known" as well, myself included. It's part of the trans narrative, but it's not absolute and it's not a rule. Also, my cis brother and I both liked dresses and dolls when we were little.

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PMI really want to be a man. But I'm scared that it's not real. That I'm making it up. That I'm stupid. Because I don't fit what everyone thinks I should fit. :/

*hugs* Don't worry. You'll figure it out. You're definitely not alone.

Hi there,
Its absolutely fine to feel the way you do,clothes are just clothes to be honest. You wear them to cover yourself up mostly or keep you warm and I don't see why you can't wear both male or female. I'm a mtf, and I just won't put on clothes unless it includes something female. Mostly its just underwear, I just can't wear male underwear now. Too uncomfortable and they don't feel right.

I'm pretty sure everyone has doubts or questions themselves, but thats a good thing. Question yourself and tell yourself the answers. Works for me, helps keep my confidence up.
If I was to say anything though I would say being male is a lot easier, just I hate it though. Most male clothing is baggy or loose fitting so pretty much anyone can wear them, if you have to just take a bag with some clothes in like a backpack or something and get changed elsewhere if nothing else.

You should try not to beat yourself up about these matters, believe me. Only 4 months from when I decided to start my transition and its been a pretty rough start. It smooths out a bit as you believe in yourself more though.

So don't worry, here is a good place to ask for advice or help.

big hugs 

Thanks for replying.

It's so hard to pass as male because I'm really short (bane of my life) and I still live at home with a mother who won't let me leave the house without commenting on my clothing choices and trying to stop me from wearing what I want. I have really low self esteem and any comment she makes just knocks me down.

I don't even know how to start talking to people about this. I have one friend who's trying to help me, but I feel really awkward talking to her about it. I'm seeing a counselor as well, but about supposedly unrelated things (I think they're related) and she doesn't know.

Hi! I'm new here too, and I totally get what you're feeling. I personally hate dresses and make-up and heels, etc, but I know it's different for everyone.

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 03:43:29 PM
It's so hard to pass as male because I'm really short (bane of my life) and I still live at home with a mother who won't let me leave the house without commenting on my clothing choices and trying to stop me from wearing what I want.

I'm actually 4'9" myself, so I'm REALLY short even as a female. Which is one of the things that makes me self-conscious when I consider transitioning. My mom is like that too. I like to wear sweatpants and gym shorts a lot, not because I particularly like them, but because it's so hard trying to find anything in a women's department that isn't uber-feminine, and I get sick of jeans sometimes. But then I'd try to wear them out in public and she'd yell at me because "they're not flattering" and I "should dress more ladylike". It made me feel self-conscious about wearing even the things I felt comfortable in to the point where I just hated myself no matter what I had on. I had to just stop listening to her for the sake of my sanity, but it kind of killed our relationship. :/

I don't really have any good advice for you, since I'm still questioning myself too. I would suggest telling your counselor about your gender issues, since that's she's there for. But only if you're comfortable with it. If all else fails, that's what we're here for.

Hi, and welcome!

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PM
I think I'm pansexual/bisexual/whatever the hell we're calling it nowadays. I've always preferred guys though. Can you be gay and trans?

This was one of the things that confused me too. Yes, you can be gay and trans. I certainly am. But I found it confusing when I was younger because I used to think the fact that I'm attracted to men means that I must really be a woman. I'm relieved to know that it ain't necessarily so.

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PM
And sometimes I like to wear make up and dresses. I kind of feel like I'm dressing up, though. I feel like a man in drag. And it feels good (when I'm in the mood for it). Is it ok to be trans and to cross dress back to the sex you were born? Or is that like.. I don't know, not real or something?

Funnily enough, I said pretty much the exact same thing in a thread about a month ago: that I've always felt like I'm in drag if I wear a dress. I can't do it any more because of where I currently am with my dysphoria, but I used to love wearing Goth clothing with extreme boots. Still felt like drag though. But if cis men can enjoy drag, why shouldn't we?

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PM
Also, I haven't always 'known'. When I was really little I loved dresses and dolls. Then I was a complete tomboy. Then when I started high school I went 'emo', where boys and girls pretty much wear the same.

I have always known, but that doesn't really matter because we all have our own journey to make and it doesn't make my dysphoria any more 'real' than yours. I too went through periods of experimenting with dresses and dolls but I discovered that they were just phases that I was going through in trying to figure out how to be this 'girl' that everyone said I was supposed to be.

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PM
And then when my mum wanted me to I started wearing dresses and colours and 'pretty' make up because she wanted me to and expected me to. She still says 'why aren't you wearing make up' when I try to leave the house without it and gets at me for wearing men's clothing or choosing jeans and shirts over leggings and skirts and stuff.

My Mum did this to me constantly from the age of 5, when I started to tell her that I was a boy. Mums are desperate for their children to be 'perfect' and she had always wanted a pretty little girl. I've spoken on this quite widely here in the forums and on my blog. Your best bet is to try to wear as much androgynous stuff as possible, and to point-blank refuse to wear anything you're not comfortable with. She's treating you like a child but you need to start asserting yourself like an adult. I used to have screaming matches with my mother about her trying to force me to wear dresses. She eventually gave up, but then didn't buy me any clothes for years. Luckily I had an elder brother so I could wear his hand-me-downs. Bit of a win-win, really.

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PM
When I was younger I used to want people to not know whether I was a girl or a boy. I used to rename myself with a gender neutral name, like Charlie.

I did something similar, except I definitely wanted everyone to think I was a boy. I used to get away with it too, until my brother would banjax it for me by telling everyone I was his sister. I used to go by the name of 'George' because it sounded like a good, solid boy's name.

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PM
I really want to be a man. But I'm scared that it's not real. That I'm making it up. That I'm stupid. Because I don't fit what everyone thinks I should fit. :/

We are all individuals and it is not up to other people to tell you who you should & shouldn't be. You said in another thread that you're planning to go to Uni this year so I presume you're somewhere around age 18 (if you are under 18, please don't post your age here). Do you know that as soon as you hit 18, your parents no longer have any say about your medical treatment? They don't even have the right to be informed about what you're doing.

The best way forward is to speak to a Gender Therapist. You could mention this to the counsellor you're already seeing, but please be aware that ordinary counsellors often know absolutely nothing whatsoever about Gender Dysphoria and as such they often can't help you... or they could even make things worse if they're prejudiced. So I'd be careful about that.

The NHS route starts with a trip to your GP to tell them you think you might have gender dysphoria. Make sure you don't take your Mum with you for that appointment. If you're under 18 they'll refer you to CAMHS for an assessment specifically about your gender identity issues, who in turn will refer you to the Tavistock. If you're over 18, the route is GP > Community Mental Health Team > Gender Identity Clinic, of which there are a few in England. Either way, you need to speak to a therapist who has experience of diagnosing or treating Gender Dysphoria before you do anything else.

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 03:43:29 PM
It's so hard to pass as male because I'm really short (bane of my life) and I still live at home with a mother who won't let me leave the house without commenting on my clothing choices and trying to stop me from wearing what I want. I have really low self esteem and any comment she makes just knocks me down.

Me too. I'm just over 5 feet. But there are a lot of men in this country around that height. Take a look around your local town next time you go shopping: you'll find there are quite a few short guys there.

My Mum was equally cruel: that's why I chose never to come out to her because I knew she'd use it against me. You won't live with her forever though. You're getting to the stage where you will move out and get your own place... and then nobody will be able to knock you down or make snide comments about what you're wearing. You'll be the master of your own destiny.

While you're under her roof, your Mum will keep giving you uphill. Please feel free to come back here for further advice as and when that happens. In the meantime, do you have anyone else who can help you get through to her that her behaviour is harmful to you?

Good luck!

Hehe, I have the exact same problem but the complete opposite.
Being 6" 3 has its.advantages but making myself look more feminine is not one of them. I think I can probably.get away with dresses and long t's but very little else. As having about 36" legs is a real downer cause I can't find any womens clothes stores which acually.stock ones that long. Even for male trousers I had to buy them online which is really annoying. But the top half of my body is relatively.short and curvy. I always thought my back was really ugly for a boy cause it is shaped like a bannana, not straight at all.

So I've always forced myself to walk more like a male. Even thoughy natural walk is more femenine it seems.
And I'm the opposite.again when I put on clothes, I hate baggy mens clothes. They make my skin itch as the material is coarser and fairly rough. I also have to normally wear a belt as I have quite smallish hips but a largish bottom, thanks to my mum for that bit.

So there's plenty of time for you to think, if worse comes to worse though I would just take some.clothes with you. A good friend is a very good thing to have though as if they understand you can possibly keep changes of clothes elsewhere and go there. Depends on how you feel about being sneaky, I know I've lied a lot during my life and its not a good thing but it is necessary sometimes.

Yeah, I'm 18 (although still seeing a counselor through CAMHS because they refuse to put me on the waiting list for AMHS and won't discharge me).

I'm 5 foot 1, and I've got quite a small build (although I now have some arm muscles from climbing which makes me happy).

Since I've started being more 'masculine' I've felt a lot better about myself. I just get really confused because I've never fitted any stereotypes or whatever and I've been labelled all sorts of horrid things by other people because of it. The answers I've got on here are helping, though, a lot.

Quote from: Dovahkiin on February 18, 2013, 02:37:26 PM
Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place, I'm new here.

I don't know what I am. I know I don't feel right as female, and I feel most comfortable presenting as male. I know I get horrid dysphoria and I hate my chest to the point of self harm and I feel uncomfortable in make up and I can't stand my hair long and I don't feel female. I feel more comfortable with male friends. I like more 'masculine' activities. Blah blah blah.

I think I'm pansexual/bisexual/whatever the hell we're calling it nowadays. I've always preferred guys though. Can you be gay and trans?

And sometimes I like to wear make up and dresses. I kind of feel like I'm dressing up, though. I feel like a man in drag. And it feels good (when I'm in the mood for it). Is it ok to be trans and to cross dress back to the sex you were born? Or is that like.. I don't know, not real or something?

Also, I haven't always 'known'. When I was really little I loved dresses and dolls. Then I was a complete tomboy. Then when I started high school I went 'emo', where boys and girls pretty much wear the same. And then when my mum wanted me to I started wearing dresses and colours and 'pretty' make up because she wanted me to and expected me to. She still says 'why aren't you wearing make up' when I try to leave the house without it and gets at me for wearing men's clothing or choosing jeans and shirts over leggings and skirts and stuff. When I was younger I used to want people to not know whether I was a girl or a boy. I used to rename myself with a gender neutral name, like Charlie.

I really want to be a man. But I'm scared that it's not real. That I'm making it up. That I'm stupid. Because I don't fit what everyone thinks I should fit. :/

Even though I'm MtF, I can really relate to nearly everything you're saying. I didn't really 'know' who I was until I went to high school too, and like you, I also went 'emo', which is when I started wearing makeup and loving it!
You shouldn't worry about if it's not real, you're not being stupid at all, we all feel like that from time to time. And you definitely shouldn't care about what people think, this is your life and your decision, if they're not okay with it, you can't change that, so don't try to. Also yes, you can be gay and trans, you can be whatever you want to be.

P.S: Nice to see a fellow Skyrim fan on here!