I just spent an hour writing my first post - it was the first time I've been so honest with myself or anyone - and then somehow the page refreshed and I lost it all. How pathetic is that that I feel so devastated by a simple internet blip?

(Rewritten post now 4 posts down so just hop on down there!)

Hi Firefly.  Yeah, that happens from time to time.  When you get the chance and feel up to it, go ahead and re-introduce yourself.

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Welcome!

And take heart from the fact that even if the internet did eat it, the reflection you did while writing was probably a very valuable exercise, especially if you felt you were being honest with yourself for the first time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.  Hopefully it will be successful next time.

Looking forward to hearing more about you.

Quote from: ford on February 15, 2013, 01:14:25 PM
Welcome!

And take heart from the fact that even if the internet did eat it, the reflection you did while writing was probably a very valuable exercise, especially if you felt you were being honest with yourself for the first time.

That's very true It will also mean that the repeat version SHOULD be a lot shorter and to the point! It's my fault I guess for loving my 12 year old Apple Powerbook too much and persevering with her even though her touchpad can be a bit... easily stimulated!

And thanks for the other kind replies. Shows that it must be a kind community if such a short contentless post gets nice responses

I'm in a quandary. I'm going to explain myself in as objective a way as I can so that I don't bias people's responses or get the response that I want.

All my life, if you had asked me whether I'd rather have been a boy or a girl, I'd have said instantly "girl." But yet I've been happy to carry on without doing much about it. I've looked at transgender sites occasionally, and seen the before and afters. But the central problem that I'm asking about here is that over the last few months I've felt more and more strongly that I need - or that I MIGHT need to do something about it. I don't hate my body - but I just feel that it's wrong. I don't know if these feelings are real, or whether they're an expression of or being amplified by other events in my life. Or maybe it's just because I feel trapped by the fact that I'm on a track in life and I'm a bit scared and want to get off, having always done everything that's expected of me. Or evade responsibility.

I feel that I'm doing well in life. I'm 27 years old, I qualified as a doctor 4 years ago, I'm doing well in the region of England that I live, I'm close to my family, I have a wife who I love absolutely, and I've got a 10 week old daughter. I'm making a name for myself in my chosen career and it's all mapped out ahead of me.

My stepfather, who I was very close to, who was a role model to me and who would have been horrified if I had told him I was transgender, died in February 2012 from cancer. I think "horrified" might be a strong term. Maybe I'm just externalising my feelings of the shame in imagining telling him, I don't know. But since he died I've been the one looking after the family. I'm the only man left in it now, and I'm kind of in a position where I always have to check on my 75 year old grandmother, my still shellshocked 50 year old mother, and my 55 year old epileptic aunt - as well as my new daughter and my wife. My father is still alive and I have a difficult relationship with him. It's one-way really - he's very selfish and doesn't look further than himself, and was an awful father when I was younger. But through my efforts we have a decent relationship now externally - but he's never been there, he is proud of me for my achievements but not myself, and his newfound respect for me for having become a doctor and having to make horrible decisions in the middle of the night for unwell patients in the ER would evaporate instantly if I told him I was wanting to become a woman.

The real light I have in all of this is my wife. I have been totally honest with her about how I've been feeling and her response was:
"thanks for telling me. You know you can tell me anything. I love you, and that means YOU - your brain, your mind, your personality. I've always said I'd have fallen in love with you whether you were a man or a woman and that hasn't changed. But you have to think very carefully, not go into this as an obsession, or a whim, or as a reaction. You make a lovely man as you are, you've built a fantastic life and I'd hate to see you throw that away for a life of difficulty and hardship if you don't absolutely have to do it."

She's up for helping me try out crossdressing, using her makeup, etc etc. I didn't feel I could do any of that stuff behind her back and anyway, I don't want to just cross dress. I want to be able to wear any clothes and be a woman - not a be a fake. What also seems a bit strange is that none of this is sexual - I haven't tried imagining it in a sexual context really as it seems too pure to me to sully with all that stuff. That is to be honest a bit unlike me and it makes it feel a bit more like this might be real.

I find this community a bit intimidating and scary if I'm honest. Everyone seems so sure - they were sure from a really young age that they were in the wrong body and a lot of people seem to transition either earlier or later - maybe the early ones are before a committed relationship and children and the late ones are after their parents die or after a relationship ends? I don't know, and I don't mean to insult or make generalisations - I'd rather be corrected nicely than cause offence.

I'm beginning to go bald - no bald patch or receding hairline, but just a general thinning of the top of my head. I have prominent brow ridges, jaw etc, but I'm not a big hulking man - I'm 5ft 10, size 9 feet, slim - 10 and a half stone.


Anyway, I'm rambling. Basically, I don't know if my feelings are real or valid, or whether I should act on them. I don't know why the sudden urgency in this feeling is a reaction to losing my stepfather so I feel more free to think about this, or becoming a dad and feeling like I have to decide before my daughter gets old enough to be affected, or whether it's because I'm going bald and feel like there's a window of opportunity closing, or because I'm scared of getting too far in my career. Or whether the whole thing is made up and I'm just on a spectrum where I could be one or the other and can cope with being male as that's what I happen to be.

And I don't really know what to do. I don't expect anyone here to have a definitive answer obviously - how could you? If I was giving myself advice it would be just to do nothing for a bit, consider some therapy, and obviously not act until I'm sure. But it's difficult when I feel there's a time limit.

But any perspective, personal experience, people who've felt similar and then transitioned or not, or people who have felt this SO much stronger than me that my rambling/unsureness is an insult to them....

I'd welcome any input.

Thank you in advance and sorry for the very long post

Wow, you sound very similar to me, except that we're headed in opposite directions. I'm 27 to, educated, had a good career going until I decided to head back to school last year. Married (no children though). When I came out to my husband he took a very similar stance as your wife...he's here for me, but he wants me to be sure. I didn't know from when I was very young. I only experienced just...general confusion and depression starting at puberty, and it took me FOREVER to put all the pieces together as I spiraled deeper and deeper into my depression. It didn't help that I was for all accounts unaware of transgender folks until about a year ago, and that's when it all sort of 'gelled' for me.

So I get the doubts you're having about 'is this real'. I've been there (still pop in and out of that mindset occasionally) and you'll find I think that a lot of people here have too. The trick is to realize that there is no one right way to be trans. As I'm sure you know medical conditions can present with a wide variety of symptoms, and a person suffering from something doesn't always exhibit all the symptoms, or sometimes exhibits more, and in varying degrees, etc. So try not to get worked up over not fitting the usual story. Ultimately it doesn't matter.

You'll get a lot of good stuff out of this community I think. I'll just add that comfort in the body is key. You take a step in the direction you think you need to go. A small step, like an article of clothing or something. How does it feel? Do you feel you need more? Take another step, etc. I think through this slow methodical process you can figure out what you need to be yourself. Dressing, hormones, etc.

And you'll hear it over and over because it's important: if you can find a gender therapist it's a really beneficial thing for untangling yourself from the guilt, confusion, and so forth.

Cheers,
Ford

Hi Firefly,

Welcome to our little family. Over 10119  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet 

Hello! Welcome!

Your story is quite similar to mine.  I am 27 and I am just figuring this all out myself too.  Just yesterday I scheduled to see a therapist next week.  So exciting!

There are a lot of people here who can help you if you have any questions.  Don't hesitate to ask!

Hi Firefly,

A warm welcome from South Africa.

Feel free to buzz browse around the forum. Lots of info here.

As to being "Unsure where to go from here", just follow your heart.

Many of us have shared very similar circumstances to yours. As long as you plan what and where you want to go to, and then work your plan, you should be okay. Yes, there will be stumbling blocks along the way. You just have to look out for them and take one giant leap over them. There will be unforseen forks along the way which will force you into a new direction. ( the left one always does it for me! 

Stick around. You have family over 10 000 strong here. Most of us will give you advice, sometimes, with caution. All you have to do is ask.

Let us know please sis.

Huggs and kisses. 

Maegan