I've been staring at a blank screen for ages trying to find the right words to type & the best way to describe my current state of mind is "i'm a mess".
I've been dealing with depression for over a year now, it's often been a problem for me but the last 2 years have been hell.
I've lost my home & possessions, my job, many friends & my dog (although I hope to get him back sometime this year).

I have no support from my family, in fact whenever I raise any issue with my mother, such as the fact that she refuses to use my name, she just tells me that I should consider how hard this is for her, when she re-married, me & my brothers had to accept our new step dad or we'd be kicked out on the streets but when I raised this point with her I was told I was being unreasonable even though she's had 2 years to come to terms with what i'm going through.
I told friend today that my mother would probably not be happy with me as i'll be signing her mothers day card with my new legal name & my friend had the cheek to say I was being confrontational, so much for a supportive friend!

I've also been messed around by my GP, they've held up changing my name for months & have now refused to do it, as a result of this the letter from the GIC asking my GP to request funding for electrolosys has been lost & the 2 month delay means I will not be ready to be full time by my next GIC appointment. On my last GIC appointment I was told that they wanted me to be full time by my next appointment before they start me on HRT & now i'm scared they won't start HRT for me later this year, the thought of having to wait another 6 - 9 months for a follow up appointment scares the hell out of me, I don't know how much longer I can go on with this uncertainty.

This was the final straw for me & since finding out about this screw up i've been a mess, every time I try to sleep I break down in tears, one night it took 3 hours to cry myself to sleep & many nights I just give up trying.
Over the last 2 weeks I've not had one day when I didn't break down in tears, most days I break down repeatedly at the slightest silly thing, such as when I watch ST Enterprise I have to mute the theme tune as it reduces me to a blubbering wreck.
Several times i've started writing my suicide note & my mind keeps wandering to the sleeping tablets i've stockpiled, today I had a phone conversation with a psychiatrist & should have a face to face meeting within the next few weeks.
I followed her advice & have spoken to my support worker at the hostel, they are not allowed to store peoples medicine but my letterbox key is MIA & they have to use a master key so my sleeping tablets are stored in my mailbox outside their office & they will monitor me to be sure I take no more than 2 out at a time.
My support worker has sent an e-mail to the other staff to advise them about my state of mind so should I need to then I can have someone to talk with or just to keep an eye on me if I feel it's getting too much night or day.

Even with these safeguards in place i'm not sure how i'm going to make it through the next few weeks or months.

I'm sorry if this is coming across as a bit jumbled but this is possibly the hardest thing i've ever written.

Thank you for taking the time to tell us how you feel. It takes a lot of guts to say you're hurting.

I'm so sorry that things are so hard for you. It is a very sad thing when those you expect to support you do not respond in the loving way you need.

Is there anyone else in your life that does support you? Do you have a close friend or therapist you can lean on for help? It sounds to me like you need a better support network. You don't have to go through this alone.

I would also suggest you speak to a different doctor about your situation.

Be brave, it does get better. You've already taken a huge step in opening up about what's going on.

I have no family to turn to, my mother can't bring herself to utter my real name, she will use any excuse to back up her belief that this is the wrong thing for me & if I told her about my depression then it would just give her more ammo to use against me, she wouldn't let the fact that it's the 2 1/2yr wait for HRT to possibly start that is the main cause.
The only other family I have left now is my eldest brother but he's gone away for a few years, I know he supports me but he's got his own problems to deal with, I wanted to send him a letter but every time I ask my mum for contact details she just tells me to give her a letter to pass on but I do not trust her not to read the letter.

If I try to discuss problems with my ex (we're still friends) she refuses to see my point, she'll listen reasonably to many problems but if I raise trans problems her attitude changes, I moaned about the NHS losing a letter that may delay treatment & her attitude was "so what?". If I moan about my mother then she'll instantly take my mothers side as she thinks my mother is wonderful (if only she knew my mother thinks she's a lazy slob).

I said tonight to a friend who I thought was supportive that my mother will not be happy on mothers day as the card from me will have my new name & her response was that i'm being confrontational & will offend her, I pointed out that my mother offended me on xmas by trying to ban anything female, refusing to introduce me to people by my real name & putting my hated old name on my card.
My friend responded by saying that I need to think about how hard this is for my mum.

All I can think right now is that I couldn't care less how hard this is for others because no-one in my life seems to care how hard this is for me.

If it wasn't for this forum I wouldn't have any support at all

I am sorry things are so hard Jayne.  You're really strong and hopefully your friends and family will remember what a wonderful person you are and come to accept you.

All I can do is send you my love. *hugs*

Things can only get better from this point ... You seem like a really good person dont get discouraged .. I have every bit of faith that things will get 100 times better for you . good luck my love & Keep in touch.

Jayne, I feel very bad for you.  There is nothing worse than a bureaucracy, when you are in need of immediate aid.  There is no good reason one should have to wait that long for HRT, or other services.  When you are in a depressed state of mind, you should be a priority, rather than an afterthought.

And, just my personal opinion, to make an MtF go full time before HRT or electrolysis is cruel.  I send you my best wishes.  Be brave.

Thanks for the kind words everybody.

Jamie, I agree that it's wrong to put pressure on people to go full time before they can pass, the NHS guidelines state that going full time should not be a prerequisite for HRT due to the danger it can put transsexuals in but the guidelines may as well not exist.
It's not as if i'm not putting enough pressure on myself to go out en femme, I desperately want to go out as myself but after receiving threats earlier this week I don't want to go out at all.

Hi Darling,

It's Cindy here. 

I'm in Adelaide in South Australia. You're in Bristol if I remember correctly?  I was originally from Liverpool and came to Aus many moons ago to try and be me, but my kid sister lived in Bristol.

I don't remember Bristol well. Where are you in Bristol?

Quote from: Jayne on February 20, 2013, 03:16:21 AM
Thanks for the kind words everybody.

Jamie, I agree that it's wrong to put pressure on people to go full time before they can pass, the NHS guidelines state that going full time should not be a prerequisite for HRT due to the danger it can put transsexuals in but the guidelines may as well not exist.
It's not as if i'm not putting enough pressure on myself to go out en femme, I desperately want to go out as myself but after receiving threats earlier this week I don't want to go out at all.

Then, suddenly, out of the blue
some kind of magic comes to you.
You don't know how, you don't know why,
but someday ya gonna take off:
Fly, Fly, Fly, Fly

So sorry to hear what a nightmare you've been through. It's tough at the moment but you will move forward; please don't forget that.

I can help you with one teensy-weensy bit of your problems: I also had uphill from my GP about changing my name on their system. Your GP is right; they can't do it themselves. But my GP told me who can. I've sent you a PM with the details.

I went full-time long before my doctor was able to change my name. I started dressing exclusively in male clothing (yes, that bit is unfairly easier if you're FtM); changed my name by Deed Poll; and came out to my family and friends. Then I told everyone at work and we offered support & training to our staff to make sure everyone would behave themselves.

That part of the process is more important in terms of RLE than getting your name changed by the doctor.

Quote from: Pleasingly Plump Jamie D on February 20, 2013, 03:35:32 AM
Then, suddenly, out of the blue
some kind of magic comes to you.
You don't know how, you don't know why,
but someday ya gonna take off:
Fly, Fly, Fly, Fly

Since I came out that song has been my theme tune, I often stick it on a loop as i'm walking & it would normally cheer me up & put a spring in my step but over the last week or so I break down in tears by the end of the first verse, I shouldn't be surprised as everything makes me cry, my hair straighteners broke yesterday & I cried, when I see my dog & have to say goodbye to him I cry.

I've been trying to avoid anti depressants as i've tried several kinds & have had a problem with side effects, such as thinking I had someone behind me when in a locked room & being unable to keep my hands/fingers still for more than a few seconds, that may sound trivial but when I have to spend several minutes letting my fingers twitch before I can pick something up it gets frustrating very quickly.

Quote from: Cindy James on February 20, 2013, 03:35:04 AM
Hi Darling,

It's Cindy here. 

I'm in Adelaide in South Australia. You're in Bristol if I remember correctly?  I was originally from Liverpool and came to Aus many moons ago to try and be me, but my kid sister lived in Bristol.

I don't remember Bristol well. Where are you in Bristol?

I'm in the Fishponds area but it's an emergency hostel so i'll be moved on soon & I don't know what area i'll be living in, I have refused to put my name down for any place that is in Easton where I received threats on Monday

Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 20, 2013, 04:40:32 AM

I went full-time long before my doctor was able to change my name. I started dressing exclusively in male clothing (yes, that bit is unfairly easier if you're FtM); changed my name by Deed Poll; and came out to my family and friends. Then I told everyone at work and we offered support & training to our staff to make sure everyone would behave themselves.

That part of the process is more important in terms of RLE than getting your name changed by the doctor.

On my first visit to the GIC I told my therapist that i'd told every person who knows me & he said that this was the most important step & shows more commitment to this than RLE would, he was very understanding about the problems my excema is causing with make-up & shaving.
Then I went for my second visit & explained to this therapist that I was en femme about 60% of the time & the only reason I wasn't 100% was due to my skin flaring up after more than a few days with make-up, I also explained that I wanted HRT & electrolosys to go hand in hand as I would then need less treatment & reduce the risk of making my skin worse but he told me that they want me to be female 100% of the time before my next visit.

This has put me under immense pressure to push myself harder than I was already pushing, when my skin is clear I can hide the shadow 100% but when my skin gets bad it forms a thick layer of skin above the top lip, this skin peels & flakes so any make-up going on top of it look awful.
The only way to clear this up is to stop shaving for a few days but I can no longer bring myself to do this, in fact I shave every time I notice stubble as I now find it repulsive to have even an hours worth of growth.

Hi Jayne, sorry things are down for you. We know that support can be hard to come by. If all the old things make you feel bad, try something new, something you've never done, but want to. Life and all its trappings are out there, you have to take the things you want, the things that will make you happy. And I hope you are reunited with Poopie soon. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Jayne on February 20, 2013, 05:40:34 AM
I'm in the Fishponds area but it's an emergency hostel so i'll be moved on soon & I don't know what area i'll be living in, I have refused to put my name down for any place that is in Easton where I received threats on Monday

I presume they know you're trans. In which case, they have a duty to find you safe accommodation. Fishponds isn't brilliant but thank goodness it isn't a warzone like Easton. Yet.

I live just up the road from you, but I'm not exactly at my best right now because I'm also going through some tough times. But if things are looking bleak, PM me and I'll help if I can.

Quote from: Jayne on February 20, 2013, 05:40:34 AM
On my first visit to the GIC I told my therapist that i'd told every person who knows me & he said that this was the most important step & shows more commitment to this than RLE would, he was very understanding about the problems my excema is causing with make-up & shaving.

Good. So he knows you're doing everything you can.

Quote from: Jayne on February 20, 2013, 05:40:34 AM
Then I went for my second visit & explained to this therapist that I was en femme about 60% of the time & the only reason I wasn't 100% was due to my skin flaring up after more than a few days with make-up, I also explained that I wanted HRT & electrolosys to go hand in hand as I would then need less treatment & reduce the risk of making my skin worse but he told me that they want me to be female 100% of the time before my next visit.

So tell him that you're going en femme 100% of the time, but you have to limit yourself to minimal make-up every couple of days due to your eczema.

Surely your therapist is aware that women don't wear full make-up all the time? And that women with skin conditions sometimes have to forego some of their favourite cosmetics when they have a flare-up?

Are there ways in which you can present as female to your satisfaction without going the whole nine yards? If you were to go out in androgynous clothing, with maybe just some eyeliner & gloss... would it feel to you like that's part of your RLE? If so, then that is part of your RLE and you can truthfully say you're presenting as female 100% of the time.

Quote from: Jayne on February 20, 2013, 05:40:34 AM
This has put me under immense pressure to push myself harder than I was already pushing, when my skin is clear I can hide the shadow 100% but when my skin gets bad it forms a thick layer of skin above the top lip, this skin peels & flakes so any make-up going on top of it look awful.
The only way to clear this up is to stop shaving for a few days but I can no longer bring myself to do this, in fact I shave every time I notice stubble as I now find it repulsive to have even an hours worth of growth.

Back to the dreaded doctor again... are they doing everything in their power to bring your eczema under control? Have you seen a dermatologist recently? Now that your circumstances have changed, you might need a change in treatment because you now need electrolysis & make-up.

The people at the hostel all know I'm trans, I only have 2 male t-shirts & 1 male coat so they only ever see me in female clothes, I try to keep the clothes androgynous when I'm not presenting as 100% female. I only ever remove my nail varnish when I'm putting on a fresh coat & I always wear earrings, I normally make no effort to hide who & what I am.

The first psychiatrist was very understanding when I told him that as soon as my shadow is gone I'll never use foundation again as I cannot moisturise whilst wearing it, at it's worst my skin need a fresh coat of cream every 10 minutes.
I've been on every treatment available, Chinese herbal, homeopathic & every pill & potion the NHS have at their disposal, the only thing that came close to clearing my skin was immno-suppressants but the side effects & long term risks would only be worth it if it cleared up 100%.

HRT is risky enough without the added risk of pills that drastically increase the risk of all kinds of cancer, there's a high risk of bone marrow failure & they could shut down my liver/kidneys (I forget which one it is), also these pills wipe me out so I can barely function.

EDIT: whilst typing responses my noisy neighbour decided the noise of me typing was too loud, he started shouting incoherantly & then started playing loud music & banging on the wall in time to the music.
I complained to the hostel manager who went round to have a word, within 10 minutes the music started again & at one point the music stopped mid song to be replaced with his shout of "you F' dirty puff".
So i'm now in the hostels PC room typing this whilst waiting for the police to arrive.

Quote from: Jayne on February 20, 2013, 07:37:05 AM
The people at the hostel all know I'm trans, I only have 2 male t-shirts & 1 male coat so they only ever see me in female clothes, I try to keep the clothes androgynous when I'm not presenting as 100% female. I only ever remove my nail varnish when I'm putting on a fresh coat & I always wear earrings, I normally make no effort to hide who & what I am.

Well then, that sounds to me like you're 100% femme. It sounds like you're living in a full-time role as a woman irrespective of what you wear.

Because that's what women do: they change their clothing, hairstyle, make-up (or lack thereof) and accessories every single day depending on how they feel. They're not more of a woman on the days they're wearing a frilly dress and less of a woman on the days they're wearing jeans. Keep doing what you're doing and you can honestly say with confidence that you are presenting as female 100% of the time. Because you're doing precisely what natal women do.

Quote from: Jayne on February 20, 2013, 07:37:05 AM
The first psychiatrist was very understanding when I told him that as soon as my shadow is gone I'll never use foundation again as I cannot moisturise whilst wearing it, at it's worst my skin need a fresh coat of cream every 10 minutes.
I've been on every treatment available, Chinese herbal, homeopathic & every pill & potion the NHS have at their disposal, the only thing that came close to clearing my skin was immno-suppressants but the side effects & long term risks would only be worth it if it cleared up 100%.
HRT is risky enough without the added risk of pills that drastically increase the risk of all kinds of cancer, there's a high risk of bone marrow failure & they could shut down my liver/kidneys (I forget which one it is), also these pills wipe me out so I can barely function.

I feel for you. I have family members with psoriasis so severe that they've had to go on chemotherapy, so I have an inkling of how difficult that must be.

On top of my personal problems i've now got serious problems with my neighbour, yesterday I had to call the police out due to him shouting abuse through the walls, he was shouting i'm a dirty puff. He also has conversations with someone in another room, he hold these conversations by shouting out of his window & yesterday he was shouting out "He's a dirty F*** B*****, all he does is wank all day", I wouldn't be happy about this being said to my face but to have someone shouting it for all to hear is more than I was willing to tolerate.
The walls are so thin I heard the exchange between him & the police:

police: We've had a report you've been shouting abuse about your neighbour being a "dirty puff"

Neighbour: Yeh, I called him a dirty f***** puff cause he is a dirty f**** puff

Police: (with extremely raised voice) I don't want to hear any more of that, people like you make me sick, she's asked us to give you a warning but i'd love to drag you out by your ear & lock you up, you'd better pray I don't get called here again.

Hearing this exchange did cheer me up a bit but i've now had random banging on the wall through the night & today I heard him say to a visitor that if he gets kicked out he'll stab me. Then about an hour ago he came banging on my door shouting that he wants to know what my problem is, I told him that his abuse, constant loud music & banging on the wall is my problem & if he doesn't like it he's welcome to lodge a complaint with the hostel staff.
Within a minute or less I heard a knock on the door, the hostel staff had seen him on the cameras & had got here as quickly as they could, i'm now going to have to phone the police again.
It turns out he has to drag an oxygen bottle around so his threats of violence are hollow, also I now know what he looks like so I no longer need to worry that every man who gives me a funny look may be him, it's tiring when you know someone means you harm & you have no idea what they look like, it keeps you constantly on edge.

You should tell the cops he said he is gonna stab you. They will take that seriously. Irrespective of whether or not you think he is capable of physical violence it is not that hard if you have a knife.

You definitely have my sympathy though, I also have to deal with the NHS and their reluctance to prescribe hormones. It has been a year and a half for me, but luckily I have come into some money so I can go private this year.

Quote from: Seras on February 21, 2013, 10:13:08 AM
You should tell the cops he said he is gonna stab you. They will take that seriously. Irrespective of whether or not you think he is capable of physical violence it is not that hard if you have a knife.

You definitely have my sympathy though, I also have to deal with the NHS and their reluctance to prescribe hormones. It has been a year and a half for me, but luckily I have come into some money so I can go private this year.

I've phoned the police so will have to wait in all night for them to turn up again, i'm gutted cause I haven't been able to see my Poopie for a few days & was due to go walk him tonight.
I'm not that phased by the thought of someone coming at me with a knife as many years ago 2 brothers I knew taught me tai kwon do & ninjitzu, they refused to show me anything other than defensive moves but they taught me how to disarm an opponent & leave my opponents arm numb for about 5 minutes.

I keep praying for a winning lottery ticket but it never turns up so i'm stuck with the NHS right now. It's annoying that my mum lent my brother £10000 to help with his pub, within a couple of months she's agreed to write it into her will that the money gets taken back when she dies, I mentioned in passing how expensive electrolosys will be & she jumped in with "I can't help you because I gave your brother the last of my inheritance" I had no intention of asking her for the money but it would have been nice to have the same financial help as my brother, that kind of money would have paid for electrolosys & FFS.

My mum has always played favorites, she set up a business with one brother about 20 yrs ago, I worked for them & was treated like slave labour, I had one day off a fortnight & she wouldn't let me have my birthday off.
My other brother has had so many failed attempts at running his own business I was shocked & horrified to learn that she'd given him this much money.
The only support I want from her is emotional but that's asking too much, she seems to prefer giving financial support to emotional, I suppose it's easier in a way

I have done a little martial arts and I would be worried about a knife.

Quote from: Seras on February 21, 2013, 11:06:05 AM
I have done a little martial arts and I would be worried about a knife.

I worked in a industrial knife sharpening business for 5 years when I left school so I have little fear of blades, that's probably a bad thing but after walking around with industrial guillotine blades up to 10ft long most knives look like toothpicks.
I came close to losing a thumb one day & as I looked at the exposed bone all I could say was "wow, that's cool"

I'm much older & a tiny bit wiser now but I still don't fear knives.