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Communicating like a male?

Started by ZoeM, February 20, 2013, 01:27:45 PM

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ZoeM

So, I developed a spot worry today after reading an article about the ways men and women communicate differently. (http://dsc.discovery.com/tv-shows/curiosity/topics/10-ways-men-women-comminucate-differently.htm) Specifically, it seems like I still communicate like a male - I don't like being questioned continually - I get defensive and nervous around that. I find myself stating things rather than suggesting them. I don't give compliments easily.

Does female-style communication come naturally to you? Is this something I'll need to learn to do? The article indicates it's a result of relationship styles growing up; I can see why that would make sense, but I still worry that I'm not doing it "right." And I didn't see the bit about childhood "nurture" development my first read through, so it gave me a scare in the "You sure you're trans?" sense.
Don't lose who you are along the path to who you want to be.








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Alainaluvsu

I'm more female than I thought... lol! Except the compliments part. I don't give those out too often unless someone compliments me first. And I look at online reviews when buying stuff (whooptie do). In fact, I get annoyed with talking to one of my roommates because she is always trying to offer "fixes" to my "problems"... when all I want is for her to understand what I'm going through and share her experiences!
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.



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Assoluta

I wouldn't get too hung up on it, there are cis women who have male types of communication, including one of my best friends who is more rational and emotionally detached than I am in a difficult situation. If you're secure in your identity as female then people will accept you as such.
It takes balls to go through SRS!

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ZoeM

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on February 20, 2013, 01:38:46 PM
I'm more female than I thought... lol! Except the compliments part. I don't give those out too often unless someone compliments me first. And I look at online reviews when buying stuff (whooptie do). In fact, I get annoyed with talking to one of my roommates because she is always trying to offer "fixes" to my "problems"... when all I want is for her to understand what I'm going through and share her experiences!
That last part, sure. I got really annoyed when my ex responded to my comments about my life (where I was looking for commiseration) by asking if I'd tried half a dozen different solutions. Of course, she was the daughter of a psychology major. They both had that rapid-fire questions way of responding.
Don't lose who you are along the path to who you want to be.








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muuu

#4
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Assoluta

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on February 20, 2013, 01:38:46 PM
I'm more female than I thought... lol! Except the compliments part. I don't give those out too often unless someone compliments me first. And I look at online reviews when buying stuff (whooptie do). In fact, I get annoyed with talking to one of my roommates because she is always trying to offer "fixes" to my "problems"... when all I want is for her to understand what I'm going through and share her experiences!

My flatmate is exactly the same! And I also don't compliment people enough either!

And about the eye contact thing, it varies in different cultures. In Japan, starting a meeting with a firm handshake and eye contact would be the quickest way to make somebody feel awkward.
It takes balls to go through SRS!

My singing and music channel - Visit pwetty pwease!!!:

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kibouo?feature=mhee
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A

Basically, in my mind, most female communication is positive, and most male communication is negative. I realize I'm biased because I'm still not quite out of my "masculinity as a whole is evil" phase, but I think there's some truth to it. A lot of women's communication habits are about politeness or showing concern for others. I think because of the way they live their childhood, more women tend to acquire this will of being polite and nice, whilst men are more inclined to wish appear strong or admirable, thus sometimes caring less about people's feelings.

And just to tell you, these aren't really a female/male type of thing. More like a traditionally male or female education. My mother, raised on a farm and working on it from a very young age, has a very masculine pattern, most of the time. My sister, raised by that mother and unraised (xD) when she did the army's training camp, too, to an extent. I have inherited it as well, even though I dislike it and try to change it. But it doesn't make any of them bad people. They're just more direct and less emotional. And they're not any less of women.

There are things you can "easily" (note the quotes - it's never that easy) change, such as listening more and not trying to put yourself higher in a conversation, for example. But there are things that were deeply embedded and are much harder and longer to change.

I have a few examples from my own situation.

Giving compliments. I have trouble doing that, because I feel I'm invading onto someone. I feel uneasy when I receive compliments (getting better though), and I was raised in an environment where everything good was assumed as long as nothing was said, and only the bad was said. Those two things affect me tremendously, making me very shy at starting conversations. The only situations where I often compliment people is when I feel I have a sort of responsibility over that person (encouraging someone who's having trouble at school, tutoring, helping with homework, etc.)

Making eye contact. This is an exceedingly hard one. Looking into someone's eyes, to me, is like saying "I want a very direct interaction with you". It's bold. I'm too shy for that. Generally I vaguely look at people's faces but not quite into the eyes, I think. Also, eye contact being polite or not depends on the point of view and culture. In the US, I think it's valued, whilst in Japan, it's literally rude. I'm quite sure there are a lot of in-between situations.

Now, should you change your behaviour? Only if you want to change it. Only if you'll feel better about yourself that way. Because there's no need to otherwise, I think. I think people don't readily associate those behaviours with gender at all, normally. Rather, they associate them with politeness/shyness or boldness/extraversion. People have a vague knowledge that men are on average more this or that, etc., yes. But I really don't think anyone would go "this person is bold... oh--gotta be a guy!" Even, in today's society, man-like boldness in women seems to be encouraged by feminists.

Really, I wouldn't say this is even a minor clocking factor. Change if you want to. Don't if you don't want to.

Assoluta: I assure you, that makes me feel very awkward as well. xD
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Seyranna

Generally speaking unless you're aspie you're not gonna have issues with eye contact.

But I think there's a nuance to make between "masculine" communication and flat out MALE communication. My GF leans heavily towards "masculine" type of communication not to mention that she has a lot of personality traits that are considered "masculine" not male* per se but we're not gonna go around calling her a man are we?

Seriously this is useless stuff to think about.
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Jayne

I've been told that I communicate more like a woman than a man because I ask permission rather than state what I want/need. Apparently it's along the lines of "may I have" instead of the more forceful "i'm having that".
I don't know if this is due to my brain being more feminine or because of the bullying I received on an almost daily basis as a teenager, due to the bullying I withdrew into myself & since then i've never had the confidence to state what I want, I seem to need permission from others,

I also put other peoples feeling before my own, my mother tramples all over my feelings about transitioning & I tend to roll over, when I do stand up for myself I suffer terribly from guilt.
My ex has spent the last 2 years convincing herself that everything bad in the last 10yrs of her life is due to me, I often hear the phrase "everything in my life started to go wrong when I met you" but I find myself unable to point out the obvious flaws in her logic. Once again I can't tell if it's issues left over from bullying or the more feminine side of me caring more about others feelings than my own.
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Puggal

I act like a goofy weirdo, so I probably do communicate like a "male." I am defensive about my beliefs and quick to point out what I perceive as flaws in others' arguments or ideas. That's pretty "male" too.

Really, when you communicate with a higher, feminine voice gendered personality traits are obscured. Our personalities, in large part, are constructed by the sound of our voice as well as our physical appearance.

Trying to change your sense of humor and reduce your aggressiveness/increase your passivity may make you go crazy. Those things probably aren't worth changing.
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Joanna Dark

You don't have to worry at all over something on the Discovery channel's Web site. It's pop psychology at best. Cis males and females on the whole probably fall into some category but I'm not sure it has anything to do with gender. it probably has to do with how you were brought up by your family. Some women are male, or aggressive, in speech while men may be the opposite. Either way it has no effect on passing.

I remember a couple years ago there was some program from MIT on the Web that was supposed to be able to predict the sex of the person who wrote a particular passage. I later found out the variable used and they had to do with how many times the word "if" or some similar word was used in a particular passage in a ratio to other words. Needless to say I copied and pasted every thing I ever wrote into that site. Probably wasted a week of my life copying and pasting. I'm a magazine editor so I have written at least a 1,000 pages of material to run through the test. What I learned: these things are useless. remember when people said which way you wipe when you go to the bathroom determines if you're gay? Well, I'm not sure about that but I'm sure which way you wipe determines if you will have poo all over you lol
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DirtyFox

I probably follow half but fluctuate to each side, really strange. Wouldn't give it too much credit, if any at all. Just being myself has worked fine for me =)
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jainie marlena

Quote from: ZoeM on February 20, 2013, 01:27:45 PM


Does female-style communication come naturally to you? Is this something I'll need to learn to do? The article indicates it's a result of relationship styles growing up; I can see why that would make sense, but I still worry that I'm not doing it "right." And I didn't see the bit about childhood "nurture" development my first read through, so it gave me a scare in the "You sure you're trans?" sense.
I realised just the other day that I was giving myself away. I posted it that way also here. "female bodybuilder" I look like a woman act like one but my speech is on the subject of female things is from the outside looking into female. How should I word it well, If I would have said, I don't want to be a bodybuilder it would have worked but adding the word female rather than just using the word bodybuilder planted the idea in the persons mind that something about me was not right. The word female was not needed unless I was trying to distinguish between something. by the end of the week the new guy realised I was trans so I asked him questions as to how he figured it out. It all came back to the way I was talking to him. If Im going to make misstakes I may as well learn from it. so no more excluding myself. ;D

Kelly J. P.

 I wouldn't put much weight on what you read, when what you're reading is stuff like that link. It's fun for discussion, but it's not very useful and often very inaccurate. Many women and men behave as stated in the article, but many don't - it's more about who you are than what you are, really, and even then these communication styles are not static throughout so much as a single day. We communicate differently in every encounter, based on the subject matter, setting, who you're communicating with, and your mood.

I probably have a somewhat masculine style of communication. Most people do. I like to get the facts, I don't really like to talk much because I'm rather paranoid and concerned about being hurt, I can't stand when people need to make a point for five minutes when they could make it in five seconds, I love being right, and so on. Who differs?

Just be yourself... or rather, be who you want to be. You can't go wrong by doing that.
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