Solid math, Joanna, I just turned 31. I'm not sad about starting late, there are actually more benefits than I expected. For example, I can actually afford most of the costs now compared to my impoverished student days, I'm part of a large and loving community that will accept me as Chloe without a second thought, and I'm a lot more patient than I used to be. But still, if I had a chance to do everything over again, I'd have stuck with transitioning the first time.

As far as rape is concerned, I do feel like at the root of it it is about power and domination. That doesn't mean that just wanting to get off isn't part of it, but the very idea that a person can be used for sex against their will enforces a power disparity that has to be at least partially pleasing to the rapist. In my own assault, my rapist was a mentor that I had an enormous amount of respect for and he preyed on that affection to first get me into a situation I was in no way comfortable with and after the fact to insure my silence. Very much about power.

This story has a happy ending though, well not happy per se, but personally satisfying. I saw him for the first time since that night at a protest a little over a year ago. I recognized him immediately, though he didn't recognize me because I was in girl-mode and had a bandana covering most of my face. Just the sight of him triggered one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. My roommate saw me freaking out so I had to clue him in as to why, only the 2nd person I had ever told. He wanted to attack him right then, but a protest against home foreclosures is really not the right venue. Regardless, we had a great opportunity when the riot police attacked the head of the march. We were right behind the ass and shoved him very hard into the police line. The cops promptly beat the hell out of him and arrested him for and charged him with assaulting a police officer. He ended up spending nearly a week in jail and though he was eventually found not guilty, he still had several thousand in legal fees to pay. Not as satisfying as the thought of him in prison, but it's something. And he'll never know it was me.

What I would change would be not hiding and hating myself.

I thought I would love to not have the issue at all and be binary M or F. But being Trans has some good things too, as I am learning. I am liking who I am becoming or allowing myself to become, considering where I was.  I never would have known what it was like to be broken, in a panic and completly lost. From this everything I do gets me a little better. I am starting to reconnect. I am becoming a nice person and people are noticing me and gravitating toward me. I like me. 

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on February 21, 2013, 03:57:08 PM
Preferably, I would have assaulted the other gamete and made it go pick up a Y chromosome instead of the double X nightmare I have going on. No offense, ladies, but my brain is a boy and I like it that way. I really can't imagine life as a cisgendered girl because everything about it is so foreign.

I would have given anything for that additional X chromosome instead of the stupid Y I am having LoL.

Quote from: anya on February 23, 2013, 05:42:08 AM
I would have given anything for that additional X chromosome instead of the stupid Y I am having LoL.

More and more I've been wanting to trade my duplicate with someone on the girls' side of the fence for a Y. One happy FtM, one happy MtF.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on February 23, 2013, 11:07:37 AM
More and more I've been wanting to trade my duplicate with someone on the girls' side of the fence for a Y. One happy FtM, one happy MtF.

Two bad science is not advance 

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on February 23, 2013, 11:07:37 AM
More and more I've been wanting to trade my duplicate with someone on the girls' side of the fence for a Y. One happy FtM, one happy MtF.

Gladly!

After the revelations over the last few days I know exactly what my answer is, I would run & mile the first time I saw my ex.
I wouldn't have wasted 8yrs of my life being her servant/slave, she's said many times over the years that she's a "vile person & she knows it" but I never saw it, now that the rose tinted glasses have been well & truly smashed I see it all too clearly.
I can't believe I felt guilty for leaving her!!

I would have stood up for myself the first time I came out when I was in high school. I shouldn't have let fear drive me back in the closet. I often wonder what kind of woman I would be now had I?

I think it would be either to be born cis male and mentally healthy (no bipolar/mental illness) or to get help for it all earlier on, so I could've actually coped. Because my life is kind of a trainwreck now. The aftermath of a complete lack of coping ability. I dropped out of high school and was in out of the hospital in my teen years and now I'm really paying for it. If I want to actually have a career and the kind of life I want I have to finish my high school, which I still have quite a bit left of, or get my GED, before I can even think about college or university. And on top of that I still barely keep it together, because bipolar doesn't go away it gets worse and it's a real struggle to keep myself level and out of the hospital  not like the dysphoria helps it any  Transitioning, though stressful, does actually help me stay more level. I think the dysphoria is what made my bipolar so out of control.

Honestly though, I get so embarassed about my school situation. I have a gifted label, yet I'm a high school dropout   

Quote from: Heather on February 25, 2013, 12:22:51 AM
I would have stood up for myself the first time I came out when I was in high school. I shouldn't have let fear drive me back in the closet. I often wonder what kind of woman I would be now had I?

This, I can relate to

I guess what I'd have done differently is what a number of people would have done: transitioned in my teens/20s rather than 40s. Of course, I didn't take that path because I didn't have the required maturity, insight or confidence. The one development that may have changed everything for me is if someone with the necessary information and experience intervened and shared that knowledge with me. That's the thing about life, it's a deterministic one way street and none of us are time travellers. Deterministic in the sense that while we may be presented with a number of equally good choices, we're more likely to make a decision founded on prior decisions and experience.

Save more money for transition HRT/SRS/FFS/BA. This whole process is very expensive.

I knew what was wrong by the age of 8 but in 1957 nobody knew anything about transsexualism. If I could change ONE thing it would have been to be more aggressive and push a LOT harder for what I knew I needed. It wasn't until my early teens that I started becoming more desperate and more assertive, started hormones at 17 and had surgery at 24.

While some of you have resented transitioning later, I would point out as someone who transitioned in there twenties I wish I had escaped sooner too no matter when it was it always seems too late.

My new answer is I would have never started smoking.
The last time I gave up for 2 yrs it was easy but with the stress in my life right now it's really, really hard.
I have to give up ASAP as if i'm lucky i'll be starting HRT late june/ early July, I want to give my body time to flush the crap out long before then

Would have joined facebook a lot sooner. All these people are friending me and everyone has been so supportive. I'm actually quite surprised.