I havent been on here in a couple of days due to what my girlfriend said to me. At first she was 100% supportive and then she said she was just lying and that she doesn't want to loose me. She said im going to change who i am. wait havent i been ME this whole time !! She also said that she doesnt want to date a man but wants to date a woman. I couldn't believe she would even say that to me. It hurt so bad, she is the one person i wanted to stand by me and now its me against the my family and now her. She said she was sorry for being so selfish, but she doesn't want to miss me, she loves me for who i am NOW.

This has gotten me so depressed and pissed off. I dont even mention it anymore to her. I dont want to loose her either.

- Landen Scott

I'm sorry you are in this position.  While there are some relationships that can survive a transition, there are also those that can't.

The fact is that you're not changing who you are at all.  Except the fact that you will be happier, and more comfortable with yourself, and your interactions with society by virtue of surface changes.  My sister had that you're a different person thing initially, and she acknowledges that this wasn't the case.  I was still the loving, considerate sibling I'd always been.

That isn't to say that the next few years won't be tough.  Puberty isn't easy, and there is stress while you wait for changes to happen.  The in-between phase before you are passing 100% and finished with the surgical alterations can take up a lot of your attention/thoughts.

If there is a support group in your area, see if the significant others would be willing to get together with your girlfriend.  Failing that, see if she will try for some online support.  She needs someone to talk to who isn't a transman.  She needs to talk it out.  She may not stay with you, but she needs to make that choice from a position of knowledge.

Lack of support does stop some people, and they choose to tough it out.  I feel sorry for them, but I also feel sorry for those who lost everyone in their transition.  There are no easy answers, and no one can tell you what is right for you.

If you have a therapist, talk to them.  If there is a local support group, talk to them.

Good luck Landen,

Shortman

I think there are always two parts in a relationship. You have the personal attraction, which is that you like that person for who he/she is characterwise. And then there's the physical attraction, aka, you are physically attracted to that person.

To me it seems your girlfriend has no trouble regarding the first, but the latter is an issue. She is attracted to females (right?) so when you transisition and your body starts to look like a man, the physcial attraction will be gone. That will be hard for her, but also you. It is also something she, unfortunately, can not control.

I can relate to this because I used to like someone a lot, but she was a MtF transgender who still had a male body. For us, it was easy to be a couple at that point, but I knew that if she would start transitioning, the physcial attraction would be gone. I have always been honest about that, so we enjoyed the present. As soon as she found a girl who she also liked, and who liked her back for who she really was (so with girl features) I told her to go for her, because I could not guarantee the future. It hurts, yes. But sometimes these things are needed.

I hope things work out for you and your girlfiend. Talking is key.

You have to decide what you would rather have. Would you rather get to a point in your life where you feel whole or would you rather cling to someone who wants you to be who they want you to be regardless of how detrimental that may be to you? Transition ends a lot of romantic relationships. I've seen it multiple times on this site alone. It's a choice that you have to make. What would make you happier?

Personally, I wouldn't sacrifice who I am or who I am becoming for anyone. Then again I know that true love wouldn't demand that anyways.

It is not always a matter of true love, unfortunately. 

People have sexual orientations. We can't maintain that sexual orientation is a not choice, and still say that someone should be able to switch themselves as soon as we come out. If they aren't willing to be with the other gender, that is how it is.  Sure, it hurts a lot - a whole lot.  You feel turned on, abandoned. Like the love you shared before is completely invalidated.  Like the person you thought you knew and loved you was pretending - when you look at them, you feel disconnected.  But you'll get through it.

Think about how much you're looking forward to whatever the next stage of transition is for you. Try to be positive about.  Wouldn't you much rather she have told you now? Honesty is always the best way to go. Maybe she will still come around, but if she doesn't - it doesn't mean she didn't/ doesn't  love you.

Also - she is probably just scared. She doesn't want to lose you either. The relationship aspect of this is no doubt equally rough on both of you.

Quote from: Simon on March 03, 2013, 02:23:26 PM
Then again I know that true love wouldn't demand that anyways.

Do you really think so?
Hope there is love like that out there.

I feel for you!

We all need some support during transition, regardless were it comes from. I love my wife and love the support that she has given to me.

All you can do is keep talking to your girl, but don't overload her with to much, let her soak up what you have told her. It might take a few days before you talk about that issue again.

Let her know how much she means to you, I cuddle my wife and tell her every day and sometimes more, that I love her and never want anyone else. Keep the romance going, buy her flowers, I prefer to pick flowers because my wife thinks much more of the flowers when I pick them, due to me going to the effort of picking them.

Take her out for a nice meal and romantic evening if you can afford to.

But most of all keep telling her you love her and that the real you will always be here for her!

I would love to be talking to my wife about my own transition all the time, (seeing I now see the light at the end of the tunnel!) but I don't want to overload her, or create any more stress for her. So I let her know how I am feeling every day, and we do have short conversations about my transition. This seems to be working at this point for us but we have always talked to each other so that helps.

I hope you find a way around the challenge that is before you,  best of luck with your relationship!

Big Hugs, Angela

Quote from: cezcal20 on March 01, 2013, 07:11:48 PM
She also said that she doesnt want to date a man but wants to date a woman. I couldn't believe she would even say that to me.

Don't see what's wrong with what she said.
Other than the 'lying at the beginning' part.

Honestly, I think you should be thanking her.
She was straight forward and truthful with you.

Would you rather she have kept lying too you for months,
and one day ended up cheating on you with some girl(s)?
Just saying.

I'm going to talk to her about it again soon . Thanks everyone for your support and help

The cold hard truth is this and im sorry if this hurts as that is not my intent but to lay all sides out so that it may be dealt with right.
There are mainly two kinds of people that deal with the transition of another.
1) the unconditional lover.
2) the conditional lover.

2) Can come in many forms.but in the end is only selfish in their own needs and wants.Setting a *price* for their love and affection.Aka *fine BUT you must---* this always takes place with such people,seeking something in return for their support and love.this will however change over time and they will demand more from you but give less back.Let me give a small example.At first they will whine about what your doing,as you speak to them,they will give you an *option* to keep everything *happy* -Ill be fine with it as long as you just doing in the evening- you agree and do just as they ask,this will then move into more demands seeing that you obeyed it -i been thinking and i dont want you telling anyone either- you agree but you will find them talking about it behind your back to their *trusted friends who can understand their pain* which isnt bad but with someone who is NOT supportive,trust me-the talk is far from supportive (i have seen this more times then i can count and its frankly two faced if you ask me) Then it will move into more extreme demands -i tried so hard but i cant take it anymore,i want everything gone,i want you to stop this non sense and live how your supposed too- after the above demands have ALWAYS been followed,sacrificing yourself slowly,they know you will at this point change anything for them.Such people see this as some whim that a trans person went on in order to *cause them pain* so they will make demands on your life (tho of course this is not true,far from a whim but this is how some see it but not all) the huge majority are just being selfish for their own wants and needs.THEY WILL NOT CHANGE-period.DO NOT misunderstand the above with 2) as many will try to cause confusion on this.

1) The most important one in any trans persons life and anyone else for that matter.the true selfless and loving person.As im sure many of you think this way,as me,then there are people who do this also.They think not of their self but of you first,even through their doubts and fear.they give NO price for this and no demands,only a small request for your well being and to make sure you know that this is right for you BUT if you you know it is and you are responsible with your well being,they will pretty much support you in anything.Of course,this person (no matter who it is) will kick your butt in a loving way when you need it (dude slow down,lets get out and do stuff) but will not control your life or leave your side when you need support or demand you become who *they want you to be* but to be yourself.let me give you a small example of how this kind of person will react -is this what you really want to do? you do know about the negatives to this right? well as long as it makes you happy then im happy for you- and depending on the personality of the person,they may even go as far as showing this happiness and even wanting to be involved in the process.They will not be ashamed of you in public and will even encourage your process,they will defend you against anyone who shows distaste or hatred.they love you from the inside,who you are and will support anything that makes that happy.some will even sacrifice their own money,time and work in order to make sure you have what you need.This is rare and hard to find among people now adays.

I understand ones sexual preference but love does not see a gender but a person,a heart.with the information above,i only state and tell you to be prepared for whats to come and stay strong.never sacrifice who you are for another,ever.

I don't agree with anything you said but I understand it's your opinion. Well here's mine;
Everyone is both a conditional and unconditional lover. It just all depends on the situation.

Ex. If my current girlfriend wanted to be a man tomorrow, I'd go gay for her without questioning it.
     Would I have done that for my exs? Nope. I would have broken up and moved on to the next.
      It all depends on the relationship. Same goes with friends, some I'd love no matter what and others not so much.

I see nothing selfish in someone having a preference and going with that.
You can't just FORCE a lesbian too suddenly love men. It doesn't work that way.

She has a right to being attracted to whoever she wants and it doesn't make her a horrible person for it.
What you're saying is basically If you have a sexual orientation other than ''everything'' you're a horrible human being!
Lol no.

Lastly;
99% of every love has conditions, whether we want to admit it or not.
What if your partner murdered 3 kids? Would you still love them and stick to their side?
Or what if your friend turned out to be a serial rapist? Would you stay friends with them?
No? Well that's a condition on your love to them, so guess what?

If we go by your post, that would make you part of the second group... Just saying.

I get your points. There is a shallow lover and a personality lover. 

Then onto what you brought up as far as sex goes.This of course is a personal attraction that everyone has,but let us lay it out like this.Are you with the person you love *BECAUSE* of the sex/their gender or because of who they are? Allow me to better explain with my OWN experience.I was with this guy *yes dating,in love and ALL that jazz and sexual as well* he IS a straight man too.I said to him *this is who i am,it wont change how i feel about you inside but i know we will go our seperate ways* he has supported me,never once turned on me and has proven he has loved me AS a person and not as a gender.Of course he knows i will not force that on him and was very kind and honest about how i felt and so was he.To say that you can not love someone without sex is completely selfish.No i do not expect anyone to be with someone sexually they are not attracted to/preference BUT i do expect understanding and for them to prove they have something else in mind other then whats between my legs.With my now ex/room mate,we continue to have a bond,he supports me in my transition and continues to play a role,regardless of his sexual preference.Because he deeply loved ME,the person and not the idea of being with a *gender* love doesnt *pick* what but WHO.Another ex as a perfect example,i was dating a woman that i did NOT have sex with AT ALL,for months and we were happy.we had sexual actions but never toward each other but only ourselves,this is what WE wanted and we remained together and we would still be together if she wasnt called home so do not use that *oh well if you cant be with someone your not attracted to then--* .there is such a thing as pure,unconditional love.believe it or not.this yes was my opinion and what i have seen in my years and was ONLY a warning and suggestion,nothing more and required no one to follow.I wish the OP luck in whatever path they choose.

And let me address the need for dramatic ideas that you posted,that were WAY out of context to this thread.murder? seriously? what does that got to do with needing support for transition? we ALL are held responsible for our actions,i dont ever remember once stating that one needs to support someone who has broken the law.I will not address anything further.

Quote from: Omega on March 05, 2013, 05:10:42 PM
And let me address the need for dramatic ideas that you posted,that were WAY out of context to this thread.murder? seriously? what does that got to do with needing support for transition? we ALL are held responsible for our actions,i dont ever remember once stating that one needs to support someone who has broken the law.I will not address anything further.

The word unconditional doesn't have any ifs or buts.

un·con·di·tion·al 

Adjective
Not subject to any conditions: "unconditional surrender".

Synonyms
absolute - unconditioned - unqualified - implicit

Hey Landen:

how long have you been out with your girl for? I usually watch electricdade channel on youtube, and I think he said it took like 6 months or longer for his lesbian wife to get used to the idea of him transitioning. At first she was horrified since she likes women, but in some of their recent vidoes she has started to like it and still loves him, and feels comfortable no longer being a lesbian but something else.

If she really loves you, she might be willing to try to stick with you through transition, but this is going to be hard for her to get used to, since she thought she loved a woman. If you want her, try to understand that it might take awhile to adapt, be patient and supportive, and then she might come along for the ride. Reinforce that you're not changing who you are, that you'll still be the same person, only happier and more comfortable.

But... I know this isn't what you're looking for, but I think you said in an earlier post that you're only like 20 or 22 or so...? You're young and there's plenty of other women out there. 

I really really badly dont want to loose her ...

Quote from: cezcal20 on March 06, 2013, 05:53:14 PM
I really really badly dont want to loose her ...

Then be supportive of her, help her realize you'll still be the same person. Don't get angry at her for having doubts, remain calm and talk to her. Expect it to take time.

Maybe invite her to join the SO portion of Susan's, I am sure other people there can be supportive of her.

It might hurt but you may have to part ways. If she can't love you for who you really are, not only is she not the right girl for you (trust me - there's a girl out there who will love you unconditionally) but you are also going to end up in a struggle, being unhappy. The whole point of you transitioning is to be true to yourself and she would be holding you back. It's just a recipe for disaster.

I went through the same exact thing at the beginning of my transition. Now I'm happier than ever.