I dunno, I just never saw the point in it or the possible release. sure it's passed my mind, but as nothing more than a passing notion. But I see a huge amount of people here that are "transition or die"... and well it's got me a bit curious as to why so many people are suicidal. or if I'm an extreme outlier for not feeling that way.

I think it's the desperation. Desperation and feeling hopeless. Also the fact that the extreme amounts of stress we've been put under can trigger the onset of underlying mental illness like depression, I have a strong family history of mental illness, so me developing bipolar with all the stress I was under is understandable. I've been hospitalized many times since I was young for suicidal ideation/attempts, and every time it was because I was depressed, scared and couldn't cope with being myself. I thought if I was so disgusted with myself, everyone else would be. I'm glad I was lucky enough that I never succeeded because I was given the opportunity to learn that people do accept me, and more than anything there is nothing wrong with me and there is hope for the future.

Quote from: tomthom on March 10, 2013, 10:47:26 PM
I dunno, I just never saw the point in it or the possible release. sure it's passed my mind, but as nothing more than a passing notion. But I see a huge amount of people here that are "transition or die"... and well it's got me a bit curious as to why so many people are suicidal. or if I'm an extreme outlier for not feeling that way.

Everybody has there on different breaking points. I know I reached mine when I trusted some people I shouldn't have back in high school and got outed to the whole school that for me was a breaking point. But I managed to survive and know how to cope with life's problems better now. I'm not suicidal now but can I say I will never be pushed to that point again no. Everybody handles the stresses of being trans differently. But to answer your question I don't think your weird for not feeling suicidal.

I guess I'm just lucky then. I've never reached a breaking point like that.

Well, I've never been suicidal over being trans. I did think about it when my partner died, however.

Over transgender issues, I have not to that point. Plenty of pain, yes. There were other times in my life where I have felt anguish enough to want to. Most due to loss of loved ones and friends. It does make me think though, I can't say I have seen a thread that says "I am so happy I am trans". There is pain for a lot and many deal with this pain by seeking others for guidance and a hand to take the next step. I do see a lot of happiness on these forums which is always a delight to see.

I feel I have to add one more thing, having lost someone very close to suicide. If any of you are feeling this much pain, please get someone's help. Each and every one of you people are very precious.

I've thought about leaving civilization and living in the woods if I couldn't transition... Not quite the same thing, but related, I suppose.

Quote from: ZoeM on March 11, 2013, 09:37:54 AM
I've thought about leaving civilization and living in the woods if I couldn't transition... Not quite the same thing, but related, I suppose.

I've never thought about living in the woods. I'm to high maintenance to ever do that. But I have thought about moving to the other side of the country and not telling my family.

I've attempted suicide more than once, but the focus of it was never about being transgendered. This is mostly because I never admitted to myself that I was up until recently.  My mindset, at the time, was that life had gotten so bad, and there was no hope of it ever getting any better, that it's better to not exist at all. Later when I was married, I was also thinking about how much I was holding my wife and son back, how much better they would be without me because I was such a poor excuse of a human being, and that they could go on to better things once I'm not longer there to weigh them down. These thoughts are not rational, much like how our transgendered thoughts are. Asking somebody who's suicidally depressed why they feel that way and why can't see that life is so much better is like asking us why can't we just live with the bodies we're born with and be happy? You just can't.

If you've never felt suicidal, then you've been blessed. It's not a point anybody enjoys getting to and if I could turn back time and never do those things I would.

I am not suicidal. On a few occasions I've thought about it or thought about staging it. Actually I'm afraid of death.

At one point I briefly considered being a suicide councilor.

Paradoxically, being trans has given me something to live for. It was strange, when I had finally come to grips to the notion that I was trans, I felt like I had hit rock bottom, like I had before when I was suicidal, but suicide didn't cross my mind. I finally understood a lot about myself, and this was something I could actually do something about, whereas before it was just this nebulous feeling of unworthiness and hopelessness and out-of-placeness. Discovering that I was trans was a huge positive event in my life. I can finally accept and love myself for who I am.

Sure transitioning is going to suck but it's gotta be better than moping about about nothing.

I never got suicidal either... but learning that it was so common, and that I could easily see how people drive themselves that far was what finally made me decide to confront my gender issues.

Quote from: tomthom on March 10, 2013, 10:47:26 PM
I dunno, I just never saw the point in it or the possible release. sure it's passed my mind, but as nothing more than a passing notion. But I see a huge amount of people here that are "transition or die"... and well it's got me a bit curious as to why so many people are suicidal. or if I'm an extreme outlier for not feeling that way.

For me, it depends on how you want to interpret things. I also have never been a "transition or suicide" person. There are always options, even in that case like transition. You still get to try something else, unlike suicide.

About 6 months back I started slipping into major existential despair brought on by factors outside of my non-transition, but maybe someday. Much of how I saw and defined my life was focused down to just being a machine that does what she is expected to. Destined to a life of no joy, no fun. Like Sissyphys, I just push that rock up a hill all day never getting it to the top. Never finishing my endless "To-Do" list

Then suddenly one night, right out of the blue, too many Akira Kurosawa Samari movies met existential blues. While chopping up my salad bits my mind wondered to "Just what is the difference between jamming a needle in my thigh and disemboweling myself?". Like serious thoughts! Not mental musings

Was it due to me being in such a well of dispair over my life, seeing no hope, no future, much less a past to be proud of? No hope of ever keeping that dream alive of transitioning once things sort of stabilized in my life?

Not sure other than it really scared the crap out of me 

Quote from: ZoeM on March 11, 2013, 09:37:54 AM
I've thought about leaving civilization and living in the woods if I couldn't transition... Not quite the same thing, but related, I suppose.

Maybe head up to Canada, eh McCandless? I've thought about that many a time too. perhaps I will sometime. except I'd do it with friends.

I've never been suicidal. I've always been a really happy person! At one point I did have a bout with GID related anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia, but it was short lived. I attacked it with learning and practice and got on with my life quickly after ..still living as a male.

This topic was actually the one of the toughest parts in coming out to myself because I thought maybe I should have been suicidal or something.. if I was indeed trans. But I realized that I have just been lucky to have enough positive distractions in my life that kept me from focusing on the bad stuff. Channeling the energy, or sublimating as my therapist called it.

Also definitely made it harder to decide to transition, too, because I was afraid of the potential loss of my happy lifestyle. It took me 3 years to really come to terms with everything until I really felt comfortable that I wouldn't lose any happiness at all. And, thankfully I was right. I am happier than ever.

Quote from: Heather on March 11, 2013, 10:56:35 AM
I've never thought about living in the woods. I'm to high maintenance to ever do that. But I have thought about moving to the other side of the country and not telling my family.

You're welcome to come to my place, here in WA.

Anytime.

fwiw, I was suicidal long before I realized I was trans. Once I figured that out, it eased some of the ideations and urges. Once on HRT...ideations and urges are about 10% what they were. Still there, but that's a function of being broken for 4 decades. I'm on a healing path though, and I *will* be better.

Quick! Call the men in white coats! Something is wrong here!

You do seem to be exceptional in this respect, but it's refreshing to hear.

Just as a note of caution:
Just because someone isn't suicidal or desperate about trans issues at 15, 20, 30, etc. doesn't mean the same will hold at 40, 50, 60 etc. I'm sure some of the members on this board for whom it was 'transition or die' at 40 or 50 didn't necessarily feel that way at 20 or 30.

I've never been suicidal, I'm too optimistic for it.  Plenty of pain, despair, depression, shame, guilt and grief but I alway thought the negativity would be temporary and so far I've been right.