Quote from: Gray Seraph on June 12, 2007, 11:45:41 AM
However there is a sort of time line(though it varies) for things like HRT. The longer I wait the less effective it may get.
It will likely happen before I ever get to 30 though( given almost 5 years is a long time), so a little bit of time getting myself together isn't going to hurt me that much. It might make me stronger/more prepared for the trials ahead though, and I'm sure there will be many to come.

A lot of people on this site seem to make it sound like it's a race to transition, I think I understand why they do, but it's not always as simple as going from point A to B.

I'd prefer comfort to speed though, but I'll still get there.  So I guess I'm the tortoise, I'm fine with that for now, I don't plan on giving up anytime soon.

I don't really have the cash(no job) to go much beyond therapy and possibly HRT(if I can actually afford it) at this point in time anyways.

I know I want to resolve it all as quickly as possible( and get on with my life), as does everyone else in a similar position, but that's just not realistic.

~Gray Seraph

And you're totally right, it's not a race, and anyone that tries to push you into a decision or step you don't feel comfortable with yet is wrong. 

We call it 'transitioning' for many reasons I think, because in so many ways it really is a journey.  Some people's journey may be only a short distance; many others may travel miles.  And regardless of how far the journey is, it's all good; nor is there a time line or minimum speed limit.

It's your journey, and you're the one in control.  Be safe, and be good to yourself.

Scott
Mallard500

     I still worry about how to bring it up( more just start it out, the rest should come pretty naturally) when I tell my psychiatrist, so she doesn't get the wrong idea. I think it's one of the things that adds to my fears. I've heard "just be yourself and it will be fine", but that still doesn't help me, when I just want to know how to approach it. I tried asking once on these forums but didn't quite get the answers I needed.

     If I take too long though, I may end up burying it again for another 10 years, like I did when I was 15( because I didn't know how to handle it and was too afraid to tell my family).  Now it's back again, and maybe this time I can find a way to confront it, instead of repeating the cycle again. I don't really want to lose that part of myself again, as it was painful enough the first time I repressed it. All those years of feeling afraid, empty and alone. I honestly don't think I could handle it again.

~Gray Seraph

Quote from: Gray Seraph on June 07, 2007, 09:14:37 PM
This is my third attempt, I keep typing it and deleting it.
It's a bit of a long introduction(it could've been longer, but I omitted quite a bit), so sorry in advance...

I think it was Blaise Pascal (though it could have been Mark Twain?) who once write:

"I'm sorry this is so long, but I didn't have time to make it shorter."   

I think it was a great introduction.  And whatever happens and whatever you decide, my experience is that talking about it -- either with a counselor, friends, or discussion groups on the 'net -- is EXTREMELY helpful in sorting out what you're feeling.

Robin

Quote from: Gray Seraph on June 13, 2007, 12:03:39 PM
     I still worry about how to bring it up( more just start it out, the rest should come pretty naturally) when I tell my psychiatrist, so she doesn't get the wrong idea. I think it's one of the things that adds to my fears. I've heard "just be yourself and it will be fine", but that still doesn't help me,

I know it's easy to say "Don't worry about it" -- and that people already have -- but in this case I think it's good advice.  Depending on the work you've done already, your psychiatrist may already have some indication, even.  Besides, his (her?) training is to help you work things like this out.

I found talking to a professional (I had a therapist rather than a real psychiatrist) to be enormously helpful when I "came out" to my wife and myself as a crossdresser.  In my case, there were a lot of shame issues (from upbringing) that -- once I realized them for what they were -- really helped clarify my feelings about myself.  Depending on your past, there may be shame issues, interpersonal issues, sex issues, or whatever. 

Quote from: Gray Seraph on June 13, 2007, 12:03:39 PM
     If I take too long though, I may end up burying it again for another 10 years, like I did when I was 15( because I didn't know how to handle it and was too afraid to tell my family).  Now it's back again, and maybe this time I can find a way to confront it, instead of repeating the cycle again. I don't really want to lose that part of myself again, as it was painful enough the first time I repressed it. All those years of feeling afraid, empty and alone. I honestly don't think I could handle it again.

Amen, sister!  It's certainly do-able (to repress for another cycle), but it usually isn't pleasant.  This doesn't mean you need to sign up for an immediate sex-change, or "come out" to everyone you know as a cross-dresser.  But taking the time to systematically decide how you feel and what you want to do about it can release a HUGE burden from your life.

One other thought: depending on your location and resources, consider attending a transgender conference.  My first time out of the house dressed was at Esprit (www.espritconf.com) in Washington in 2005.  Meeting people from all over the TG spectrum, in a really accepting environment, did wonders for my confidence in talking to people (remember the shame issues I mentioned) and in learning from their journeys to help decide where I was and where I wanted to go.

Regards!
Robin

Quote from: robinhayes on June 13, 2007, 06:00:17 PM
I know it's easy to say "Don't worry about it" -- and that people already have -- but in this case I think it's good advice.  Depending on the work you've done already, your psychiatrist may already have some indication, even.  Besides, his (her?) training is to help you work things like this out.

I found talking to a professional (I had a therapist rather than a real psychiatrist) to be enormously helpful when I "came out" to my wife and myself as a crossdresser.  In my case, there were a lot of shame issues (from upbringing) that -- once I realized them for what they were -- really helped clarify my feelings about myself.  Depending on your past, there may be shame issues, interpersonal issues, sex issues, or whatever. 

     The only thing I've said to her in the past that she might wonder about was that I said my social anxiety probably wouldn't have been as bad if I was a girl. My gender issues hadn't resurfaced when I said it, so I didn't really know I meant it back when I said it. I was really refering to the fact the both my mother and sister have some minor anxiety(undiagnosed), but seem to be dealing with it just fine.
The majority of my anxiety is related to trying not to show any signs of femininity in public, so it wouldn't surprise me I if my anxiety faded away significantly after I  start a transition ( HRT at the very least), because then I'd just be doing what feels natural instead of avoiding it at all costs.

     Every aspect of my life since 15 has been custom tailored to suppress anything I deemed too feminine, so after time it became second nature, and I even forgot why I was doing it after awhile.

For example,
In the past I was told my handwriting looked like a girls while someone was copying some notes I took ( out of curiosity I was looking back at some old notes from school from when I was 15, and it really does look a lot like a girls handwriting), so my handwriting from that point on became intentionally sloppy.

I have quite a long list going now that I use to take note whenever I remember something else. It's surprising how many instances there actually are on it so far. It would probably make talking to my psychiatrist easier, since I could just show her that after I figure out how to break the ice on the topic.

Quote from: robinhayes on June 13, 2007, 06:00:17 PM
Amen, sister!  It's certainly do-able (to repress for another cycle), but it usually isn't pleasant.  This doesn't mean you need to sign up for an immediate sex-change, or "come out" to everyone you know as a cross-dresser.  But taking the time to systematically decide how you feel and what you want to do about it can release a HUGE burden from your life.

One other thought: depending on your location and resources, consider attending a transgender conference.  My first time out of the house dressed was at Esprit (www.espritconf.com) in Washington in 2005.  Meeting people from all over the TG spectrum, in a really accepting environment, did wonders for my confidence in talking to people (remember the shame issues I mentioned) and in learning from their journeys to help decide where I was and where I wanted to go.

Regards!
Robin

     I probably just need to at least keep making an active effort towards moving forward, to keep from going back into hiding. It really has been the darkest chapter of my life.

     It was quite a hard decision( possibly the hardest) to just repress everything feminine, and was like consciously killing a large part of myself ( I'm glad in some ways that it didn't die, but just went into hiding). My life would've been very different now if I had faced it when I was 15, but instead I ran from it and never looked back again until now. That's the one true regret I have in life now, I wasted almost 10 years of life that I'll never get back.

Life seems to be giving me a second chance, though. Actually, it's more of a third chance if I count my failed suicide attempt when I was 20. That's also another reason I fear ever having to repress that side of me again.


Thanks for all the support.

Hi, I can and do relate to your intro in many ways. Welcome to Susan's read , learn and enjoy. Your not alone any more. I recently told my sisters and my GP about me and everything was great. It was such a relief to get thier acceptance and support I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. It took alot of courage but it was deffinetly worth it. I wish I had done it years ago.
Enough rambling on my part and again Welcome, we're all here to listen and help out in any little way we can
Donna