My subconscious is being a jerk. Had a dream that my mom forced me to go to some weird bible camp or something to "fix" me, meanwhile in my starter kid of camp rules and things there was a vial of T. I was overjoyed, somehow escaped and found my friend because this camp was situated in my school and told him because I was just that happy, he was all like "Dude, that's awesome!" and I woke up not too long after that :c

Then while passed out after eating an egg made of sugar (I always pass out after having sugary things and also if I don't have enough sugar, lose-lose situation) I had a dream that one of my friends installed a coffee machine in this giant hotel place and the cops found me for some reason because I guess I was somehow involved, and the first thing the one cop decided to say to coerce me to cooperate is something along the lines of, "Well, aren't you a fine-looking young man," in an extremely creepy voice while picking up a lock of my freaking long hair. I didn't even care how creepy that was, I was just happy that I passed  Ended up cooperating and unplugging the coffee machine (because apparently putting it in a hotel without a permit was illegal and cops have nothing better to do than harass young boys and reinforce ridiculous laws) just because nobody suspected I was anything but a cis male. Then I woke up.

A few days ago I had yet another dream in which my mom called me her son and used all male pronouns and said she would love me no matter what. Her screams of anger at some random thing woke me up and dashed it to pieces.

These dreams are making me sad when I wake up 

This post reminded me of the dream I had last night, it's making me want to go running away to Kent and search for someone again.

A little bit of back story is probably needed here so it doesn't sound really creepy or something.  I'm paranoid of people thinking there was something wrong going on here because a lot of questions were asked in whispers at the time, and they were so far from the truth, and the topic can get a little hairy sounding, especially with all the talk of paedophiles and stuff in the last year or so.  Four years ago I had a teacher who was an utterly brilliant guy, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that I would neither be here, or the person I am today without him.  So many times he convinced me to go home after school when I couldn't even bring myself to call it home (I'm not going to say that it was anywhere near as bad as some people's home lives here, because I know it wasn't, but I can't remember what was happening, that whole time is fuzzier than my dreams).  He showed me parts of life that I had never known before without realising it, he was a family man through and through, and until I saw how he acted around his children and heard his voice when he was on the phone to his wife I never thought I would be capable of being a father because I never knew how.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried while looking at a photograph of him and his children at the beach because that was the closest I got to having an experience like that for myself.  He's also the first person I trusted enough to talk about my first suicide attempt to, went to when I needed medical attention on my arm and he got me to the point where I wanted to fight and try to fix my head.  After two years at my school he got fed up of being treated awfully by the management because his teaching style was brilliant, but far from orthodox, and they never liked the fact he was a bit of an oddball and an outcast from the staffroom, and left.  I saw him once on the street since then and he was amazed to see me alive.

The actual dream was that he was organising some sort of history excursion for people in general.  I was part of it, and was trying to get him to notice me the whole time by trying my hardest at everything, and even knowing where things like mugs were kept in the building we were based in (I think it was supposed to be our old school staffroom, or his classroom or something).  At one point in the dream he actually turned to me and asked how I knew where they were, and that was when I realised he wasn't ignoring me because he found it awkward because he didn't want to bring up that I was the crazy kid from all those years ago, but rather because he didn't recognise me at all because the kid back then was forced into a skirt.  It was a strange dream, because I've often thought about finding him one day to thank him properly and apologise for taking up so much of his time in the past, but I don't want to have to pretend to be the person he thought I was because that's missing the point of it, I want to be mentally healthy if I ever did so.  I know he wouldn't recognise me if I found him after transitioning.  I'd never actually do it, but he was part of such a major turning point in my life that I feel I should let him know I made it, and that I honestly appreciated all he did so much but being the awkward person I was then I clammed up instead of showing it.

Sorry this was a bit of a derailment, I just had to get that out somewhere, I never talk about him to anyone because they all thought I was just a kid with a crush, regardless of the fact they all knew I was into women by that point and it was plain to anyone who looked that I was constantly lovesick for another (female) member of staff.

Just remember that one day your dreams will be reality and you'll have more than that one vial of T and won't have to go to Bible camp to get it.  And not to put unlicensed coffee machines in hotels

Hey, it was my friend, not me 
It's something he would do in that situation, and even in the dream I was thinking to myself, "Do you seriously have nothing better to do right now?" the whole time. And I'd better not have to go to bible camp for a vial of T, dammit.

There seems to be that one person in our lives who acts as a bit of a guardian angel, real lifesavers in action. I think if he saw you today, he'd be proud of the fine young man you've become. And who knows...life works in funny ways. Maybe you will see him again.

It's all good to know for future reference, and I seriously wish that law was real, I'm going to end up smashing our coffee machine at work to pieces soon

And maybe, I've always wanted to do some crazy fundraising stuff for charity, and that's what he's into, last summer he was sponsored to jump off a pier dressed as a nun according to some news articles I found.

Well there you go, where there's a will there's a way, and I think you've got both covered.

Haha, I've never liked coffee anyway. Probably came up because of the middle name thread, silly brain of mine. And those machines are terribly noisy and obnoxious, they should be banned from everywhere except houses.

I hate those cheap little coffeepots in hotel rooms. Wakes me up every single friggin' time. They always sound like they're growling at you or something.

There are a few teachers I'd really like to thank from my high school and I'm planning on going back to seem them all one last time before I move. I'm still trying to decide whether or not I'm going to come out to them, or if I'll go back for any reunions. Most of the time, they were my best friends and I owe them so much. Maybe I should buy them Starbucks or something so they don't have to use those stupid mini coffeepots in their rooms...

reminds me of a weird dream I had- almost cried when I woke up

I was wandering around a park one day and there was a surgeon there. He had discovered some new, quick, painless way to perform top surgery and he was offering it in the middle of the park for free. So I went and got top surgery completely free of charge and the results were amazing- plus, no pain! Then I went to the beach in just trunks and while I was having fun there, I woke up :c looking down and seeing those darn things still there was horrible.

Quote from: CursedFireDean on April 03, 2013, 07:10:22 PM
reminds me of a weird dream I had- almost cried when I woke up

I was wandering around a park one day and there was a surgeon there. He had discovered some new, quick, painless way to perform top surgery and he was offering it in the middle of the park for free. So I went and got top surgery completely free of charge and the results were amazing- plus, no pain! Then I went to the beach in just trunks and while I was having fun there, I woke up :c looking down and seeing those darn things still there was horrible.

That's cruel. I had one like that a few months ago, except it was about bottom surgery. One of my biology lab instructors was doing the surgery and she used her creepy little purple staples to hold everything together. I need to take sleeping pills again so this doesn't happen.

Quote from: AlexanderC on April 01, 2013, 06:57:30 PM
This post reminded me of the dream I had last night, it's making me want to go running away to Kent and search for someone again.

A little bit of back story is probably needed here so it doesn't sound really creepy or something.  I'm paranoid of people thinking there was something wrong going on here because a lot of questions were asked in whispers at the time, and they were so far from the truth, and the topic can get a little hairy sounding, especially with all the talk of paedophiles and stuff in the last year or so.  Four years ago I had a teacher who was an utterly brilliant guy, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that I would neither be here, or the person I am today without him.  So many times he convinced me to go home after school when I couldn't even bring myself to call it home (I'm not going to say that it was anywhere near as bad as some people's home lives here, because I know it wasn't, but I can't remember what was happening, that whole time is fuzzier than my dreams).  He showed me parts of life that I had never known before without realising it, he was a family man through and through, and until I saw how he acted around his children and heard his voice when he was on the phone to his wife I never thought I would be capable of being a father because I never knew how.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried while looking at a photograph of him and his children at the beach because that was the closest I got to having an experience like that for myself.  He's also the first person I trusted enough to talk about my first suicide attempt to, went to when I needed medical attention on my arm and he got me to the point where I wanted to fight and try to fix my head.  After two years at my school he got fed up of being treated awfully by the management because his teaching style was brilliant, but far from orthodox, and they never liked the fact he was a bit of an oddball and an outcast from the staffroom, and left.  I saw him once on the street since then and he was amazed to see me alive.

The actual dream was that he was organising some sort of history excursion for people in general.  I was part of it, and was trying to get him to notice me the whole time by trying my hardest at everything, and even knowing where things like mugs were kept in the building we were based in (I think it was supposed to be our old school staffroom, or his classroom or something).  At one point in the dream he actually turned to me and asked how I knew where they were, and that was when I realised he wasn't ignoring me because he found it awkward because he didn't want to bring up that I was the crazy kid from all those years ago, but rather because he didn't recognise me at all because the kid back then was forced into a skirt.  It was a strange dream, because I've often thought about finding him one day to thank him properly and apologise for taking up so much of his time in the past, but I don't want to have to pretend to be the person he thought I was because that's missing the point of it, I want to be mentally healthy if I ever did so.  I know he wouldn't recognise me if I found him after transitioning.  I'd never actually do it, but he was part of such a major turning point in my life that I feel I should let him know I made it, and that I honestly appreciated all he did so much but being the awkward person I was then I clammed up instead of showing it.

Sorry this was a bit of a derailment, I just had to get that out somewhere, I never talk about him to anyone because they all thought I was just a kid with a crush, regardless of the fact they all knew I was into women by that point and it was plain to anyone who looked that I was constantly lovesick for another (female) member of staff.

Just remember that one day your dreams will be reality and you'll have more than that one vial of T and won't have to go to Bible camp to get it.  And not to put unlicensed coffee machines in hotels

That reminds me of a situation I'm in now. One of my managers at work I look up to so much and he's been so amazingly helpful and supportive with everything. I want him to be my father so bad and keep dreaming that one day he'll care about me like a son. However, he's made it very clear that that will never happen and that he has his own kids already and that I should stop being creepy. He hasn't said any of it in a mean way but when I ask him a question he'll give an honest answer, that's my favorite thing about him. I get that he won't hang out with me outside of work but I just want him to care about me as more than an employee. Anyways, your story reminded me of that situation I'm currently in. He's made so much of a difference in my life and means so much to me and it just sucks that he doesn't care about me as much as I want him to.

Quote from: Alex308 on April 03, 2013, 10:09:06 PM
That reminds me of a situation I'm in now. One of my managers at work I look up to so much and he's been so amazingly helpful and supportive with everything. I want him to be my father so bad and keep dreaming that one day he'll care about me like a son. However, he's made it very clear that that will never happen and that he has his own kids already and that I should stop being creepy. He hasn't said any of it in a mean way but when I ask him a question he'll give an honest answer, that's my favorite thing about him. I get that he won't hang out with me outside of work but I just want him to care about me as more than an employee. Anyways, your story reminded me of that situation I'm currently in. He's made so much of a difference in my life and means so much to me and it just sucks that he doesn't care about me as much as I want him to.

I think that the important things to remember in situations like these is that they have other commitments, other families, and it's often seen as incorrect for them to build up a more personal relationship.  What I wished that I had done was just showed that I was someone who wasn't constantly looking up to them as a father figure, but that I could have been more on an equal level, a lot of our interests are the same, down to owning the same model of guitar and playing the same songs (badly) on it.  Don't go looking for their attention because that can end up pushing people away, especially when someone's in a position of authority, and don't do anything that you might regret when you look back like I did.  But definitely show your appreciation for when they helped and supported you, because that's the one thing I wish I did better.