I assume the original poster didn't mean anything hurtful or judgmental with her choice of language (we don't all have the same language or cultural background - including age and where we grew up).
Rephrasing of the question:
I have noticed that many people that I think are transgender women present in what I consider to be a hyperfeminine or stereotypically feminine manner, to the extent that it may hinder their passability (in a culture that no longer favors hyper feminine women). What are their reasons for this? I just don't get it, because that is NOT my style, and passability is very important to me. Can anyone help me to understand? I'm not trying to judge anyone, just trying to figure out why they aren't dressing and acting and speaking more like what is typical for women in today's white American middle class society where I grew up and live.
My answer:
1. Never assume that presentation isn't intentional. Take a walk in the lesbian/bisexual part of the woods, and you will discover a wide range of presentation that is completely normal. From stone butch to high femme and beyond. That choice is personal, and when women feel free to express themselves, they may land anywhere on that spectrum.
Is it fair to deny femme transwomen their most comfortable expression because they would blend in better as women if they aimed for the average femmeness-butchness?
Definitely, if passing is very important to a woman, they may chose to tone down their femmeness to something that is less than what they feel is ideal for them, because it helps them to achieve their other goal of being seen as non-trans.
Not all trans women care about passing as much as they care about being true to their inner sense of gender expression.
2. Gender Queer. It exists. It is a respectable and dignified way to live. Don't be a hater, and if you aren't a hater, please try not to come across as the police of the gender binary (attacking the middle or either end). If your advice isn't asked for, by someone you believe is violating gender norms, then your advice isn't wanted. Respect that. Move on. Yay diversity.
3. Age matters. Just as it was considered freakish 40 years ago for a woman to act as butch as the typical woman presents today, it may be considered freakish by some young people today to present as femme as the typical woman did 40 years ago. Guess what: I am 45 years old, and I formed my imprint of what feels normal for a woman's presentation 40 years ago. It is natural for my sense of 'normal' to be further out on the femme end of the femme-butch spectrum that a woman who was 5 years old only 20 or 15 years ago. My femme fashion plate may be your ultra femme caricature of a woman. If you are under 25, you probably don't want to see what I consider ultra femme. Yee hah! LADIES!!! I haven't been continually adjusting my presentation as female for 40 years, gradually adjusting to the changes in society. I'm still that little girl dying to dress like a girl and finally getting my chance. It will take me a while to catch up.
That said, there is a huge variety of gender expressions at all ages for trans as well as cis women; generalizations are just that, generalizations.
4. It's the brain, baby. Science is unanimous that transsexuality comes from the brain. Science has already observed that on the femme-butch spectrum, some varieties of intersex conditions are marked by a very strong tendency towards hyperfeminity (others towards hypermasculinity) to the point that it is one of the clinical signs used for diagnosis. It would be logically consistent to hypothesize that the same applies to transsexuality as to intersex conditions, only more so because not all intersex conditions affect the brain but transsexuality always does. Within the transsexual population, we should see a greater tendency towards extremes in gender expression off of the mean. And based on the original poster's observations, we do see that. Yay science!
5. Some transgender women who don't pass well, may be a little clueless about fashion, and out of touch with unspoken societal norms for women today, or are just lacking in the ability to see oneself through others' eyes and ears. Some of us are naturally very adept, and others it will always be a struggle. Transwomen learn and develop in their gender expressions the same way ciswomen do, over time, through experience, and with constructive feedback from supportive friends and associates. Some of us need that much more than others do. If you can give that help, do, but only if its wanted.
Some women are indeed unfashionable, clueless, or out of touch with societal norms; it is normal for them. I am a natural geek/nerd/dork, like all of the women in my family, so being unfashionable, clueless, and out of touch with societal norms is part of WHO I AM.
I also have only presented female for a year and a half now so far, so even though I get compliments almost every day about my personal style, outfits, hair, etcetera, I am still learning and getting better through practice and with the help of constructive feedback from caring people.
That said, femme is part of my natural style; I get compliments by dear lesbians and gay friends who appreciate femme, and eye rolls from dear lesbian and gay friends who appreciate butch. "I would so go for you if you wouldn't be such a freaking girl!". Thanks!
Warning: Bullying usually takes the form of people who are fashionable, have a clue, and are in touch with societal norms, judging and belittling the people who aren't.
Older people have experienced more bullying (over time) and seen more death and destruction caused by bullying (over time) on average, so on average we are more sensitive to it. This isn't political correctness; this is life and death for some very fragile people who come to a support site for support. So please understand, if you post something innocently and a bunch of people jump down your throat for it, well, you might have hurt someone's feelings, or a lot of someones'. It happens. I've done it. Doesn't mean you are bad, but it does mean your choice of words could hurt, and if you don't mean to hurt, then modulate your language.
6. Somebody mentioned: cross dressers and pre-transition MTF women. Empathy time here.
Imagine this: you experience gender dysphoria, but are not ready to live as female full time now (or if you are non-binary or male identified, ever). However, you still experience intermittent or constant profound dysphoria that is alleviated temporarily by "getting your girl on". So if you only have 15 minutes or 3 hours, per week or per month, to feel like a woman, you are going to put on every single trick in your book to get all the relief you can in every way you can. If you could wear 7 different forms of undergarments, 19 kinds of makeup, and 29 fashion accessories at the same time, you might because IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.
You go girl, is all I have to say. More power to you.
7. Different goal than passing. Some women aren't aiming for passing; they are instead trying to ensure that their presentation is feminine enough in ways that they can control, to balance out aspects of their presentation that are extremely masculine that they cannot control, to stay in the zone where people consistently read them as a person who wants to be treated as a woman.
