After reading the 'memories' topic, I can't help but being shocked at how often abuse is being mentioned. It seemed to have happened a lot. I like to think humanity is better than that, but it appears not and it shames me to be part of our kind.

I was wondering if any of you think this may be related to you (or someone else) being trans. Maybe this question is out of line, and if it is, please do tell me. But as I am trying to get a grip on being trans and any possible underlying reasons, this did strike me. Maybe childhood trauma's related to your gender (such as abuse, which I would assume happens a lot more to girls) pushed the trans button? This would mean that amongst FtM, you would expect a higher percentage of people who experienced this horrific event in their lives. Unless the memories topic just shows a 'natural' occurance of this crime, and frankly, that would make me want to hide under a rock.

An interesting question - and one that was brought up by the psychiatrist during my initial assessment.

I can only speak for my own case, but I do know this: whilst I was indeed abused, neglected and bullied as a child, all of these things started after I'd already noticed that I was uncomfortable with being regarded as female. My GD was first noticable when I was 5 years old but the abuse didn't start until around 3 years later. Before age 5 my childhood was pretty much idyllic.

So in my case at least, I don't believe my childhood traumas caused my GD. But I do think that certain people took advantage of my insecurities, anxiety and secretiveness that were at least in part due to my GD, so that they could find a reason to pick on an easy target. There's a certain kind of predator that looks for vulnerable people, isolates them from the group, and attacks them - and that's exactly what happened to me.

I had rumours I might been abused from a young age but I dont remember any of it so I dont know if there every true or just rumours, personally I dont belive there true cause I probably would had remembered if I felt strongly about it which I have for other parts of my life who been very great or bad parts of me.
however I did get abuse later in my childhood, which had put me in alot of doubt whatever they cause me to be trans or not for later on.
as FTMDiaries says it yet seams I remember I been felling as a guy before the abuse. (without being 100% sure as I dont remember the exact year) and also to be apart of the reason why I been abused.

I dont know if abuse can make people trans or gay or other things, But I feel it to be abit misleading why its always gay or transgender people who is been exused with abuse or bad childhood and such when straight cisgender people (who still grew up straight and cis) also gets abused.

a science says most people have tried to be abused at a kind of another, specially girls. there can be many teorys why transpeople tend to be abused more", either we dont and we just more open about it,
also we do and have the typical abuse make you gay/trans being right,
or we simple more "accepted"/easy target for being abuse.

personally I belive the last one to be something, I remember after my abuse people had a huge transphobia at me. I wanted to go into the mens room to brush my teeth and go to the toilet and I was told I couldnt cause either I would sexually harrasm others or they would sexually harasm me. for me it kinda sound like people without knowing been saying. "if you go into the mens room and being beaten, bullied, raped, then its your own fault"
--
I had an imaginary friend then - and I decided that he is my brother, and I was his sister. We had long conversations before I went to sleep, and in some cases there was verbal and physical abuse.

I dont think imaginary friends are connected with abuse, most children have those, I also had and I guess I still kinda talk to imaginary characters of me when I get very out of controll and upset, I dont think its more psycotic than people talking to god.

Well, I've mentioned this before, but I think sometimes things like this can happen. I knew someone (a relative of mine) who actually came out to me as ftm and seemed very serious about it, going the whole nine yards, stealth, phalloplasty, etc - she had it all planned out. Later, she realized she had convinced herself she was trans because of sexual assault.

There are also theories on whether this was the case with Brandon Teena. If I find the article, I'll link it.

But a high percentage of female assigned persons experience some form of sexual assault at some point in their lifetime. Think it was 1 in 6 or something like that. So, it's no surprise we have survivors in the trans community.

I think this is a good topic to bring up, even though it's sensitive. It does concern me what might have happened had my relative not realized her situation before medical transition. I think therapists sometimes just hear a 'trans narrative' and 'go through the motions'. I also think it's easy for people to convince themselves they're trans and that there were all these signs. I mean, she was very convinced and quite adamant she was trans. She also expressed physical dysphoria which I think might have been the result of the abuse. Her body was the scene of the crime.
And it makes sense this could happen. Sexual abuse can cause feelings of disassociation and even identification with the abuser. History is full of women who dressed or presented as men for safety reasons. For someone abused as a female, being a man can seem safer.

But again, a lot of people are abused. I wouldn't assume someone's trans because of their survivor status. I think there should be more awareness that this can happen (someone going through gender confusion because of abuse) though. Right now, it seems too easily dismissed. Obviously, I'm grateful a medical tragedy was averted regarding this person (which no, is not me, obviously).

I should probably chime in here seeing as it was my memories topic which spawned this one.

The only time that I was abused by anything other than myself was when I was thirteen and was sexually assaulted by my best friend.  At that point I was still thinking that I was a gay female, however there had been signs from before that I was trans, even though I hadn't put the pieces together.  For example, one of the only things I remember from being five or six was being on a school trip and overhearing my friend tell the teacher about her cousin who was transitioning from female to male, and for some reason hearing about that made me feel really awkward.  Then there was my thoughts that it would be awesome if we could choose which gender we wanted to be in the womb by pulling a lever made out of broccoli (yes, I was incredibly young then and thought that babies grew in the stomach), and that if I'd had the chance to choose I would have been a boy, but never have a 'sex change' because I thought only freaks did that.  And probably the biggest warning sign that I was trans would be when my breasts started to develop and I would stand in front of the mirror every weekend stretching my arms out to try and convince myself that I wasn't going through puberty because it was just so wrong.

So although I don't have the "typical" trans narrative of always knowing (is that really the typical thing these days?), there have always been signs for me, so I don't think it was triggered by the only real case of abuse in my life.  The depression and other things caused me to abuse myself, but I've never known the root cause of that, maybe it was being trans, maybe it was being put second to my parents work all the time, or maybe I just chemically lean that way, I don't know.  No matter what it is the signs have always been there now that I know what to look for.

I think that there could be some people, particularly females, who decide to transition and believe that they are trans because of things which have happened in their past, but I think that those people are not trans in the same way that most of us are.  They are probably -- and this is all speculation -- more bothered by the social aspects of being their assigned sex, rather than the physical, and might not even feel dysphoria, just hatred of the parts which drew their abuser to them (if it was sexual), and this gets confused.  So I think that for the people who were trans before abuse transitioning is a case of freedom from their incorrect body, but for those who were trans because they were abused it's more of escaping from the situation that lead to them getting abused.  Of course I don't mean to offend anyone with this paragraph, and please correct me if my guesses are wrong, this just makes a bit of sense to me.  People are free to transition for whatever reasons they like, and I'm not saying that anyone is "more trans" than others; you can life as a martian for all I care, as long as you don't harm others.

As for lots of trans people seeming to have histories of abuse, I think that some of that might be to do with those people who have more difficult backgrounds and transitions coming to support places like these.  We rarely hear about those who have relatively pain free transitions, plenty of money, and their whole world behind them.  All too often the people who come here are looking for support because they're struggling, and those people seem to be more likely to have had a history of abuse, or maybe their struggles are caused by their abuse.  This is just generalisations from what I've seen around here and other places on the internet, some of you could be billionaires for all I know.  Just that people who have had these histories are going to mention them, no one is going to start a topic called "I was never abused, and my life has and will always be hunky dory."  And because we're already revealing one of the most personal and painful bits of our lives, and sometimes intimate parts, people will be more open to talk about other things.  I know that for me personally, this is one of the few places where I will even mention the sexual assault, in real life I don't ever talk about it, not even to my girlfriend except, "Oh I was just getting bothered thinking about when my friend f-d me over again."

When i was around 7-10 ish one of my "friends" who is 4 years older than me molested me acouple of times. Dont want to get into detail but he also did it to my friend and cousin. I had a boyfriend in elementary school from2-5 grade. I never dated in high school because i was so busy with Varsity sports. I am a victim of a predator also. i met him when i was 16 and was talking to him when i was 17. Started dating him when i was 18 and he was 29. He manipulated, tricked me to go against my family. My family did all they can to keep me away from him but i didn't know any better at the time. I ran away and lived with him for over a year. My family suffered alot and i put them through so much pain. My dad put on so much weight, my mom lost weight, my brother were always crying ( my parents told me after ). My extended family was mad at me also. I finally came to my senses and realized what he was doing and where my life was heading and i came home at 20 and came out to my parents as lesbian. I always had a attraction to women. My parents didnt take it all to well. My mom verbally abused me for my whole freshman year in college and even got my dad to say some stuff when he usually just doesn't say i a thing. It was so hard to go through freshman year and being ganged up on my your parents at home. That's why i think i might wait 1.5-2 years to start T. I know my family wont take me being Trans very well. I know my brother will cry because they are losing their sister. I have three brother and no sisters.  i want to start T sooooooo bad but i dont want to go through the same sh*t i just went through freshman year, i dont want to get bullied by my family.


** When i say brothers they are really my cousins. My real parents died. My real mother is Kristen and my father is Errol. Kristen is the sister of Gretchen ( who i call mom now) i have been living with technically my aunt , uncle and cousins ever since i was 2.5 years old. My father ( Errol) died of a drug over dose and my mom( Kristen) was sick from ammonia. They were both heavy alcoholics. 

I think I want to add something to the topic.
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people already mention that people could turn trans*, or not be real trans by just belive so for being sexual abused as a youngster. I cant speak for everyone, But personally for me this been the biggest reason why I never really mention abuse for people cause of this prejugde that I wouldn't be a real trans is I say so.

I was asking it first time when I seached help on transition if I had tried any kind of abuse in or outside famely, my answer where No, because I knew if I said yes" they would tell me I wasnt a real transgender, and that this where just caused by trauma of my past which could be cured and fixed.

as I already mention in the memory post my memorys of my past isnt always great, but for the things I remember for when I where abused, I didnt remember the abuse as being the traumatic part, But the whole part after the abuse where very hard to deal with, because when I told people they would start threating me alot diffrent and make everything worse, so I stopped talking to people about it and it got to be a lonely topic.
I heard other people with simular story, Not for being trans, but being of other kind of minoritys who had simular storys.
I just want to mention it.

Quote from: Natkat on April 10, 2013, 05:12:45 PM
I think I want to add something to the topic.
-
people already mention that people could turn trans*, or not be real trans by just belive so for being sexual abused as a youngster. I cant speak for everyone, But personally for me this been the biggest reason why I never really mention abuse for people cause of this prejugde that I wouldn't be a real trans is I say so.

I was asking it first time when I seached help on transition if I had tried any kind of abuse in or outside famely, my answer where No, because I knew if I said yes" they would tell me I wasnt a real transgender, and that this where just caused by trauma of my past which could be cured and fixed.

as I already mention in the memory post my memorys of my past isnt always great, but for the things I remember for when I where abused, I didnt remember the abuse as being the traumatic part, But the whole part after the abuse where very hard to deal with, because when I told people they would start threating me alot diffrent and make everything worse, so I stopped talking to people about it and it got to be a lonely topic.
I heard other people with simular story, Not for being trans, but being of other kind of minoritys who had simular storys.
I just want to mention it.

Yeah, I was reluctant to post in this topic because I don't want anyone to think I think being trans is caused by abuse or anything. And obviously, it's a sticky situation politically and medically because they're looking for any excuse why being trans isn't natural. Kind of the same thing when they think being gay is caused by abuse.
I just posted because I think there are some people out there for whom this is the case - persons like the one I described who do experience gender confusion as result of assault or abuse. And obviously, I hope they realize they're in that situation before they go too far medically.

But clearly, the situation is complicated. I mean, I actually know more people both cis and trans and male and female who have been sexually abused or assaulted than people who have not.

I don't know many people who been dealing with sexual abuse, I don't think it's because I don't know them, I just think its usunally not mention because its taboo.

so mostly its people I chat with who tells me personal details. I think that abuse and sexualety is difficult topics cause as I mention before on Susan I feel that sexual limits depends on your culture and where you grow up. In my area you can have sex with a 15 year old legally, if I did the same thing somewhere ells with other rules I could be put to jail for minor abuse, this is just an exemple how something can be seen as an abuse on place and as fine another.

I guess many people have been on some kind of abuse of a way or another, and many have been in grayzones of a kind who could be seen as abuse/notabuse, depending on cercumstance and culture view. whatever or not those people feel abused and hurt, or not, it could always be turned agenst of some ignorant people, I guess if you look closely to your past there almost always something you could blame for being trans, whater it would be bulling, abuse, overprotecting, too little attention of your parrents. and so on.

My childhood was pretty crappy right from the start. There were a lot of messed up things going on around me and I was neglected pretty badly. I wasn't exactly the picture of normalcy and health as a child, but I blame most of that on my natural temperment and what not. I was sensitive and anxious, besides that I was eccentric and otherwise very well adjusted. It wasn't until I started puberty that everything became unbearable for me. I was sexually abused by my stepdad when I was 13, but I was already very much distressed over my gender and body long before that. The way I see it, I would be trans no matter what happened in my life, but if I hadn't had an abusive childhood or born with a genetic disposition to mental illness I would have handled it all a lot better. There are things that life has made an obsticle for me, but the road I travel would be the same regardless. It's always been there, and I doubt anything that's happened caused me to feel like I'm not female. If it was a sudden change maybe, but it's been my whole life.

I can add another tally to the "sexually abused as a child" board. It's interesting that so many people have that experience here. I'd venture to guess that their are more in our shoes that haven't, but it allows for some speculation to be had. I don't know why people get as defensive as they do about whether you're born this way or that, or if maybe something happened in the span of your life to mold you into the person that you are. There's really no way to prove it, is there? And does it matter?

But I guess I'm bad about contributing quite a lot to human psychology. Some people seem really attached to the biological aspect of things, which is just as well. I don't think there's really enough evidence for anyone to say "This person was born transgender" or "This person 'became' transgender". I don't personally think that it matters, because you feel the way you feel no matter what. Maybe I've been like this since I was born and just took some time to come to terms with it, or maybe my psyche started to change after what happened to me. Maybe it's a combination of both. Maybe nothing in the world is real and I'm just talking to myself here.

Maybe, maybe, maybe...

It's exhausting sometimes.

I was never touched inappropriately as a child. I did grow up in a less than ideal situation as far as my parents were concerned though. My mom was manic depressive and extremely religious. From the time I was 7 or so I would come home to her already holed up in her bedroom with the door locked. If I knocked she would sometimes acknowledge me by opening the door. The only time she left home (besides work) was to go to Church. I was made to attend four times weekly with her. On one hand I loathed it, especially since it mean putting on a dress (in the Southern Baptist church those FAAB could not wear pants). Then again it was the times during the week that I could get her attention and on Sunday afternoons after Church she would take me for Chinese.

My father was emotionally and physically abusive (more emotionally). What he said was law in the house. He wasn't a good provider. We lived in a dilapidated single wide trailer while he had the spare bedroom full of the latest technology (computers and games) that only he was allowed to touch. I never had a sleep over, never a birthday party, never much of anything. From Elementary school I was taking care of myself completely. The one saving grace I had was my grandparents lived beside us. My grandma fed me often and helped me wash and hang out my clothes. She was basically my mother and I watched her die when I was 15 while trying to help her get to the bathroom. Never got over it...never grieved her death. My dad told me not to cry after she died because I needed to be strong for my mom (it was my maternal grandma that died). The one time in my life my dad ever told me he was proud of me was after that...because I showed how strong I was. To this day I don't have many emotions.

I don't know how much of my upbringing assisted in me being trans. From what my doctors have said I'm trans because of things that occurred in the womb. My mom recently noted that I was born without a vaginal opening. I think I was born to be different. I never "became" anything...I always was. I will say that I am stereotypically male in many ways because of my upbringing. My parents raised me with only boy toys. They didn't allow me to have dolls (not that I wanted them). Never have gotten the reason behind their ways of thinking. Besides the plain dresses I was made to wear to church I only had gender neutral or boy clothing. I did not have a typical childhood, at all. I'm not bitter about it...it is what it is. If anything I am strong because of it.

I had some verbal abuse- nothing really as bad as anything anyone else has posted... There was a bit of social err... things... that happened, but that was because of undiagnosed aspergers. So I would hazard that your prediction is correlation without causation.

Quote from: democration on April 10, 2013, 09:39:28 PM
I don't know why people get as defensive as they do about whether you're born this way or that, or if maybe something happened in the span of your life to mold you into the person that you are. There's really no way to prove it, is there? And does it matter?

Theres ways to prove by science in time, but personally I rejected to be part of it.

the whole things goes on how people threat you or gonna threat you, in a perfect wourld it wouldnt matter whatever people where born or became trans or gay or not, however this is not the caise. the cisgender norm is so big that if theres any way to cure you they will do that. that goes for both way. so its both the reason why I have rejejcted any science experiemt on me because I know if its proven you can be gay/trans its also proved you can be cured medically, or aborted.

but on the other hand if people think of it as being something you can be influenced about then lets say they exemple tell you your not trans because you grew up with an abusive parrent. what consiquenses would that give you? it would do so they would refuse to threat you, giving you homones or anything, insteed they would put you of some kind of mental hospital to cure your traumatic past experience and by that cure you of being trans.

theres horrible provements of historys who happent in the past and who also happents now in diffrent countrys and areas, where people belive that them being gay/trans is something who had happent because of certain cercumstance and then they try to cure it in all diffrent ways, the problem is being gay/trans and going in some kind of "cure program" only hurts worse. and I dont belive you can cure it.

I belive we blame alot on what is "diffrent" but personally it seams to make little sense to me.
as I mention before cisgender and straight people are also abused, but I dont think we hear alot about them because of the focus is on people out of the norm.
acording to WORD, 1 out of 5 of all women will be victim of violance and 1 out of 4 will be raped, it dosent say much of gender expression or sexual orientation. I doubt all of those are to turn "gay or trans" afterward, but we know that alot of people who are trans or gay already is in a extra danger zone for this to happent as some places people belive you can beat/rape someone to become straight + hatecrimes.

I am the oldest child of a woman who couldn't be bothered to be emotionally available and a father who had anger issues. The physical abuse and serious mental/verbal abuse started when I was a preteen. Before that I remember many times crying because I was being bullied in school and my mother told me to suck it up, stop acting weird, to just pretend like I'm popular and I will be. When I was 8 there was a girl who told me her dad was a cop and she'd have him arrest my parents if I didn't do (something, don't remember what her demand was). I remember crying and telling my mother and she looked at me and said 'Don't be stupid.' I remember busting my face open and needing stitches when I was 5. The kids at day care teased me and called me Cat Woman and would meow loudly at me. For some reason this really upset me and when I told my mother I didn't want to go to day care anymore she told me 'The world doesn't revolve around you. Stop acting strange and they'll stop teasing you.'

These aren't things you tell anyone, let alone a very young child seeking help and comfort from someone who's supposed to be supportive and caring. My father was never around because he worked a lot, and when he was my parents would scream at each other, throw things. My mother constantly told me 'I should just leave you with your dad and never come home.' If I didn't do something right or if I misbehaved she'd threaten to call social services and have them take me away. She even went so far one time to make a pretend phone call and make me pack a plastic bag of clothes and refused to allow me to pack my favorite stuffed animal. All of that happened because I didn't want her to push my head underwater to rinse the shampoo out of my hair. I can't imagine what kind of sick, demented person would stand there and gloat over a 10 year old little girl like that. She was/is clearly mentally ill. She refuses to acknowledge this stuff happened. She refuses to apologize.

What really ticks me off is looking back there were OBVIOUS signs of abuse and neglect, yet all of the adults I had contact with refused to do anything about it. When I finally got up the nerve to talk to an older cousin about it I was beaten as soon as we left from our visit because she'd confronted my parents about it.

Do I believe being trans has anything to do with my abuse? No, but the way I was treated for 18 years definitely caused me to bury a lot of my gender issues to the point that I was a very angry, angst ridden teenager and did a lot of things that were life threatening and could have landed me in Federal prison if I had been caught. It definitely caused me to be emotionally immature to the point where I couldn't function as an adult once I got into the real world. Years of teaching myself with the help of professionals and good friends got me to where I am now. I think if I had tried to be openly transgender when I was going through the mess in my head to become an adult I probably would have killed myself. I think my brain knew when it was safe to finally accept who I am.

Quote from: Mr.X on April 10, 2013, 04:54:17 AMMaybe childhood trauma's related to your gender (such as abuse, which I would assume happens a lot more to girls) pushed the trans button?

Nope. If that were true, a heck of a lot more people would be trans. Sorry that that's kind of depressing.
In my case, I thought of myself as in the role of the eldest son (as archaic as that is) when I became a target. (Not because of my gender identity. Because my dad doesn't like people standing up to him.) Not to mention that after I was raped was the only time I thought I was female. Before and after awhile, I didn't really identify as any gender. I just knew something was off. It was when I was at my most mentally healthy that I realized I was trans.

I knew my body and mind weren't aligned well before I experienced any sort of trauma.  So, for me I know those things don't correlate.  I was never abused... But I had a traumatizing experience occur when I was a child.

all the stories you've posted are things that happen to cis people as well. actually it happens to a lot more cis people than there are trans people in the world... even the gay population is smaller than the abused population. so i'd be a little careful with blaming anything on abuse. i'm pretty sure many women have cursed their fate to be born as a woman, because of rape or abuse, but the majority of them would probably rather have a man and a society that can treat them right than a sex change. but it is a lot easier to change one's sex than to change and entire society and start healing the deeps scars that abuse can cause.

my own story of abuse is one that actually made me stray off the right gender path in a very different way. rather than making me hate my female self, it made me feel like becoming a better woman, fix things, become a great housewife... after it ended, i entered one ridiculously ill matched relationship, i don't think either of us saw much worth in the other as our assigned gender. things were said and done in the bedroom that confused me greatly, and i couldn't deal with it at all because i was trying too hard to be a typical woman. failed miserably, relationship couldn't last for more than a year, but resulted in a beautiful child.

only after i started to accept sides of myself that didn't fit my view of myself as a perfectly heterosexual woman, did i get back to my ponderings about whether i really was all that happy with being a woman. i never was, i only pretended. and trying too hard was what made me fail to see that i'm not fit for the type of heterosexual relationship i was trying to create.

there's always the matter of my hate towards my breasts being increased by the abuse, but now i really think of it as only increasing it, and not causing it. i'd probably be just as creeped out by someone touching and loving my breasts too much even before/without the abuse.

Quote from: Simon on April 10, 2013, 10:02:29 PM
My parents raised me with only boy toys. They didn't allow me to have dolls (not that I wanted them). Never have gotten the reason behind their ways of thinking.

girl toys promote vanity, dolls might make the kids try too early to make a family with that pretending to be mothers before marriage etc... only nice clothes i had as a kid were the skirts and dresses. all the other clothes were awful because mom wouldn't let me choose what to wear myself. there supposedly wasn't any need for me to try and fit in, in any way. vanity is bad, dressing to fit in is vanity. economy had something to do with it, but even cheap clothing comes in different styles, doesn't it? made me any easy target for the bullies...

Thanks all who had the guts to post here! It can't be easy to talk about something like this. You all got cojones!

Seeing that I have no idea if amongst cispeople there would be roughly the same amount of abused people (I do still shudder at the thought), one can not conclude that abuse or trauma can actually cause transsexuality.

In fact, after reading all your stories, it seems pretty clear to me that childhood abuse is in no way (part of) the cause of transsexuality. But it does seem to me that it can act as a trigger. And with trigger I mean it pushes the trans feelings that were already part of you, or made them a lot worse. And of course that makes sense seeing that you are pressed with your nose onto the fact that you are your assigned gender by the abuser.

So...I hope I summarized that well enough. Thanks again for all your input!

Education doesn't cause a higher income, but research shows that it is associated. Now, obviously we don't have the research to back it up, but it could just as easily be that while childhood abuse/neglect does not cause ->-bleeped-<-, it can be associated. (To avoid any confusion, let me just say that I'm not trying to prove that this is true; I'm merely contemplating the possibility.)

To be perfectly honest, I don't feel like my own experience with abuse flipped the switch or anything. I suspect my feelings were a little out of the ordinary beforehand, and that I'd have come out as transgender even without going through that. So I can't vouch for the idea that abuse triggers something gendery-bendery. I do think that it's quite possible that - with as many people as there are in this world - there are a few folks who might swear up and down that a past trauma is the root of their gender identity disorder.

I suppose one could argue that any psychological 'damage' stemming from trauma or abuse is something to be addressed and, if possible, treated. (And again, let me clarify: I am not saying identifying as transgender means your psyche is damaged. This is exclusive to the assumption that someone believes their GID is product of abuse.) But some people don't want or need to be 'fixed' with therapy and medication. Or maybe they do, in your opinion, but this is just mine.

For example, I've been relatively unhappy since I can remember - and the earliest is somewhere around 12 years old. I'm 19 now. I've tried therapy and anti-depression medicines, but in the end that just isn't for me. I'm coming to terms with my 'depression' in that I expect it to stay with me throughout life. Sure, I could go back on the medication. It worked then, I'm confident that it would now. But while taking it made me less sad, it dulled all my other emotions as well. I'd rather be sad than apathetic. For me, it's about perspective. It's just the way I see the world. I'd like to call it realism, but maybe it is pessimism.

I think I'm going to stop here to be safe. I'm fairly sure I maintained coherency through this, but it's 6:30 AM and a cold's kept me up all night, so forgive me if this comes off as a mad man's rambling.

EDIT: aw man. It would have felt like such a waste to have written that and not posted. Sorry to repeat what's already been said. Kind of. Or I don't know. @_@