Sorry to bother everyone with this post (and for the length), but I'm really in need of some advice.  While I really want to start transitioning and begin the whole process, I really feel stuck and don't know how to proceed.  See, I live at home with my mother  and have not yet told her about my identity.  I always figured it would be best for me to get a job that payed decently, get my own place and then start everything.  At that point, I could come out to her without holding the fear that she could prevent me from transitioning.  However, I have been having an incredibly difficult time finding employment, and the rent where I live (NY) requires something more than a minimum wage job.  I have a degree, experience, and great recommendations, so I should be able to find something, but I am still having trouble.  That means that I will not be able to move out as soon as I've hoped.  Yet, I can't wait any longer to start transitioning.  If I don't start moving forward, I'll completely lose my sanity.  Even though I am in my early twenties, I feel I have waited forever and can't hold myself up anymore.  I feel like I've been forced to adopt this  robotic male persona (which I hate) my whole life.  But I'm done hiding myself and ready to start living as me.

So, I would like thoughts on my revised plan.  Instead of waiting for a decent job to appear or for the ability to pay for rent, I will take whatever job I can get, stay at home for now, and pay for whatever I can at the moment (therapy, hrt,  laser, etc...).   I have insurance, so I should be able to reach out to a trained gender therapist and go from there. Plus, if needed, NY has an informed consent clinic that will allow me to start HRT at a quicker pace than most gatekeepers allow.

The problem with this plan is it brings up my biggest fear: being detected while at home.  Right now, I can do little things like dress when I am alone or socialize with my close friends as a female. Yet, I feel like I have to keep hiding it from my family. And if I start HRT, everyone will start to notice something is going on.  Plus, I have already begun growing out my hair and increasing changing my appearance to appear more feminine. I think I will have some window room to hide it all, but not much.  If my Mom catches on, I am afraid she will prevent me from moving forward.  I wouldn't know what to do in that situation because I'd have no way to continue my transition in the event that she practices tough love while I am under her roof.  She is a wonderful women and I know she loves me more than life itself, but I'm scared that she will do whatever it takes to "protect" me from a huge mistake (even if it isn't in reality).  Since, I would dependent on her shelter, she could very well force me to alter my plans. It would be great if I could find affordable rent and a decent job sometime before this becomes an issue, but I want to be smart and plan for the scenario that I don't.

So, what do you all think?  Would I have enough room to hide it all for at least a few months?  Is my plan stupid or something worth building on? Sorry for this long jumbled message, but I needed to let my frustration out.  I would love any advice or suggestions.

Thank you everyone. 

What kinda job do you want to get? I think your plan sounds pretty good.

But depending on the way that you come out to your mother, maybe she would even support your decision? NY seems like a great place to do it.

A lot of trans people overestimate their ability to hide the truth before they come out. Your mother may already know. Some transsexuals are very feminine from a very early age. Your mother may already know something is up. What makes you so sure she would have a problem with it? Just tell her and see what happens. The worst case scenario is you have to hide it and not do anything about it (essentially what you're doing now) Or, there is the chance she's ok with things, or she'll come around. Give her a chance, she's your mum, she loves you like noone else ever will.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 25, 2013, 09:24:52 PM
Sorry to bother everyone with this post (and for the length), but I'm really in need of some advice.  While I really want to start transitioning and begin the whole process, I really feel stuck and don't know how to proceed.  See, I live at home with my mother  and have not yet told her about my identity.  I always figured it would be best for me to get a job that payed decently, get my own place and then start everything.  At that point, I could come out to her without holding the fear that she could prevent me from transitioning.  However, I have been having an incredibly difficult time finding employment, and the rent where I live (NY) requires something more than a minimum wage job.  I have a degree, experience, and great recommendations, so I should be able to find something, but I am still having trouble.  That means that I will not be able to move out as soon as I've hoped.  Yet, I can't wait any longer to start transitioning.  If I don't start moving forward, I'll completely lose my sanity.  Even though I am in my early twenties, I feel I have waited forever and can't hold myself up anymore.  I feel like I've been forced to adopt this  robotic male persona (which I hate) my whole life.  But I'm done hiding myself and ready to start living as me. Unfortunately this economy has a lot of really qualified people in limbo, their lives on hold. At this point you will want to count your living arrangement with mom as a total blessing, because it could be much worse without her.

So, I would like thoughts on my revised plan.  Instead of waiting for a decent job to appear or for the ability to pay for rent, I will take whatever job I can get, stay at home for now, and pay for whatever I can at the moment (therapy, hrt,  laser, etc...).   I have insurance, so I should be able to reach out to a trained gender therapist and go from there. Plus, if needed, NY has an informed consent clinic that will allow me to start HRT at a quicker pace than most gatekeepers allow. Actually this is an excellent plan and you needn't worry about overturning the apple cart at home initially because the changes are gradual and you will be able to dress to cover your changes for quite some time. It will give you time to construct your tactics for dealing with your mom's eventual discovery and confrontation over your changes.

The problem with this plan is it brings up my biggest fear: being detected while at home.  Right now, I can do little things like dress when I am alone or socialize with my close friends as a female. Yet, I feel like I have to keep hiding it from my family. And if I start HRT, everyone will start to notice something is going on.  Plus, I have already begun growing out my hair and increasing changing my appearance to appear more feminine. I think I will have some window room to hide it all, but not much.  If my Mom catches on, I am afraid she will prevent me from moving forward.  I wouldn't know what to do in that situation because I'd have no way to continue my transition in the event that she practices tough love while I am under her roof.  She is a wonderful women and I know she loves me more than life itself, but I'm scared that she will do whatever it takes to "protect" me from a huge mistake (even if it isn't in reality).  Since, I would dependent on her shelter, she could very well force me to alter my plans. It would be great if I could find affordable rent and a decent job sometime before this becomes an issue, but I want to be smart and plan for the scenario that I don't. Obviously you will have to be circumspect in how you present in front of your family for now, it's only until you get an opportunity to move out to your own apartment. You're young take it slow, don't be impetuous and insist on pushing the envelope too hard. Meanwhile, in the worst case scenario your mom will never disown you, you sprang from her womb, you are a part of her and she knows it. Be respectful and cool your jets, it will all work out in your favor in time.

So, what do you all think?  Would I have enough room to hide it all for at least a few months?  Is my plan stupid or something worth building on? Sorry for this long jumbled message, but I needed to let my frustration out.  I would love any advice or suggestions. You have my advice, go with it and my best wishes for your success!

Thank you everyone.

Well she is going to find out eventually no matter what you do. People can surprise you. Sure it will be awkward and hard at first but isn't continuing to live in the closet worse, especially when you know the way out? Just wait til you are comfortable with yourself and then move forward. All in all, your plan sounds pretty good in my book.

Thanks everyone,

I know she will find out eventually, I just don't want her to find out until I am independent.  I am scared she will prevent me from transitioning under her roof.  And I need to start now, but can't yet leave. I imagine she will eventually come to accept it.  We are very close and I could never imagine my mom completely rejecting me.  It's just that she will likely react poorly at first to try and protect me from "doing something wrong" or "ruining my life".  I need to move forward and don't want anything to block me from doing so.  Since, I would be dependent on her for shelter, she would be able to make some rules under her roof.  Therefore, you're right that she will likely come around and extend her support eventually, but I think that would take time.  In the meantime, I just need to start everything and not worry about anymore roadblocks.  I failed at transitioning once before when I was 19 due to fear and I can't let it happen again.

However, it probably isn't so bad to start while at home.  I imagine hrt will take some time before any noticeable effects arise and I could hide it until I had the ability to move if I really needed to. 

Talk direct with your mother!!! Tell her you are her daughter. Hold her tight, cry if you must. Tell her you love her & always will. At some time you & her will have to talk. It seems to me now is the time for both of you to connect & make peace. Maybe everyone will win.

Good luck girl friend, I know it's tough/tricky.

If she would reject  you it's going to happen anyways...
So tell her gently...and she may reject you today and
Change of heart later. .

But if you lie to her....it will be worse

You can start laser treatment now. I mean that will take months and months to complete, depending of course your facial hair. That will get you started and there's something to look for.

After few treatments book a time for the clinic and start hrt.

I don't really think that people who see you constantly notice the effects of hormones even after months. And if they do notice, their first thought isn't that someone is taking hormones as they are ts. I think that is the last thing anyone thinks.

I waited until I was independent, I feared being kicked out. Well turned out, it wasn't so bad, they took some time to come around but things are going well.

Now I wish I told them ages ago and just dealt with it. Morale of the story: You never know how people will react, it's good to have a safety net but just feel her out, tell her you've been depressed/anxious (symptoms of your GD) she will most likely be sympathetic if she knows you've been suffering.

Thank you all the advice.  I really do appreciate it.  It seems the consensus is that I should come out now and shouldn't hide it.  Maybe you are all right.  I know I tend to consider the worst case scenario as a way to cope with a possible negative situation that may arise.  So, I guess coming out at home is something I will have to do.  I am just afraid that she will stop me from transitioning while I am under her roof.  But, I guess there is nothing that she will be able to do in the long run.  I am an adult and she will have to either accept my decision or not.  The only thing she can really do is kick me out and I couldn't imagine my mom doing that to me.  So, maybe all my fears are for naught and imaginary at best.

Still, I am going to start the process now at home and come out once I have the courage.  It's very hard for me to do, and I imagine it will be a huge shock.  I mean there are certainly lots of signs, but I think my family probably just believes that I am a closeted gay person.  Still my mom has known that I have always had issues with my body and self esteem problems.  She had always told me that she noticed that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin throughout my childhood and teenage years.  I don't think she understands why, but maybe coming out will explain it all to her.

Even when she would forbid you to transition, there's nothing much she can do for you to visit laser etc.

The worst case is if she kicks you out, but as you said it, you think it's hard to believe that?

Quote from: learningtolive on April 25, 2013, 09:24:52 PM
I have a degree, experience, and great recommendations, so I should be able to find something, but I am still having trouble. 

degree in what? what kind of degree? experience doing what?


I am asking this ^^^ to see if we can connect you to areas/industries/  where you may apply

Talk it out with your therapist before you do anything. The therapist may give you resources to assist with the discussion,  and equip you to deal with any fallout.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 26, 2013, 10:44:56 AM
Thank you all the advice.  I really do appreciate it.  It seems the consensus is that I should come out now and shouldn't hide it.  Maybe you are all right.  I know I tend to consider the worst case scenario as a way to cope with a possible negative situation that may arise.  So, I guess coming out at home is something I will have to do.  I am just afraid that she will stop me from transitioning while I am under her roof.  But, I guess there is nothing that she will be able to do in the long run.  I am an adult and she will have to either accept my decision or not.  The only thing she can really do is kick me out and I couldn't imagine my mom doing that to me.  So, maybe all my fears are for naught and imaginary at best.

Still, I am going to start the process now at home and come out once I have the courage.  It's very hard for me to do, and I imagine it will be a huge shock.  I mean there are certainly lots of signs, but I think my family probably just believes that I am a closeted gay person.  Still my mom has known that I have always had issues with my body and self esteem problems.  She had always told me that she noticed that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin throughout my childhood and teenage years.  I don't think she understands why, but maybe coming out will explain it all to her.

Hi,
Unless you have some obvious reason to imagine your mother and others close to you are intrinsically hostile to all those who do not quite correspond to standard gender models, you would seem to have everything to gain from coming out. For starters, you would be amazed at how good it feels to just stop hiding . No matter what you do afterwards, by dropping the mask you are opening up more space to be who you are. At minimum, you should be able to get away with lots of little things which probably have you worrying about being found out right now.
An even  more optimistic scenario is that you encounter understanding and maybe even a helping hand. In families where bonds are strong, after the initial suprise, supposing there is one, it is probably the most frequent outcome. 
Against that, the biggest obstacle to transitioning would seem to be your lack of financial independence. Depending on how much you have to do to be able to live  a comfortable life as a woman, you could be talking about quite a big budget eg. at minimum, a good 35k$ for FFS & GRS assuming you do any necessary surgeries outside of the US. If in the US, you could easily be looking at twice the figure.
Apart from the financial cost, transitioning is a huge distraction and no matter how bad your dysphoria, don't you think your main focus right now  should be on getting your professional life off the ground? Since you are young, you might also give some thought to what types of position would make transitioning easy and what one's would be complicated. All of this migt seem very down to earth, but believe me, you will vastly increase the probability of making a really successful transition if you already have work issues sorted out.
Wishing you all the best.
Donna

Thanks everyone,

I agree that coming out might be for the best.  I suspect she does know something already, but I don't know to what extent or if she just thinks I am gay.  I am going to work up my inner strength to come out and ask for tips from friends and my support group.  Plus, getting a therapist who can help guide me through this all would be smart.

At the moment, I don't care about starting my career and would rather find anything that will allow me to pay for my transition.  See, I plan on going to grad school next year, so any job I take would not be permanent.  If I do get accepted into a ph.d program, that is pretty much a full time job right there (Besides the course work, most programs expect you to only work at the university while you earn your degree).   It may not be the most financially viable career path, but I really want to be a college professor in the future.  So,  I wouldn't be moving up or establishing a career in any position that I take at this immediate moment. 

For now, I was looking for something that would allow me to afford rent in conjunction with all the expenses of transitioning.  However, I have decided that I won't wait for great job (well, great for me) and will just take whatever I can find at the moment.  I really need to start and would prefer doing it sooner than later. Besides, I can always apply to positions while I am working in a mediocre job. Yeah, I won't be able to get my own place at the moment, but maybe that won't be necessary.  I think you all make a good point saying that I should come out before moving out.  At least, I can learn her reaction and decide how I should proceed with that knowledge. And if I come out and am allowed to stay at home, it would be nice to not have to worry about paying the terribly high rent in this state.

Thanks to everyone who responded and helped me.  I really appreciate it and am grateful that you all helped calm my fears.

I think overall you have a good sensible plan.

As others have noted, unless you know better how mom will react, I would drop the T-bomb on her as long as you know you won't get tossed out of the house. Eventually she will find out    Next on the reaction list will be denial, bargining, or acceptance.

Do you live near NYC? If so I've read a lot good stuff on the Transgender Health and Education Clinic of Callen-Lorde Community Health Center.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 26, 2013, 10:53:09 PM

At the moment, I don't care about starting my career and would rather find anything that will allow me to pay for my transition.  See, I plan on going to grad school next year, so any job I take would not be permanent.  If I do get accepted into a ph.d program, that is pretty much a full time job right there (Besides the course work, most programs expect you to only work at the university while you earn your degree).   It may not be the most financially viable career path, but I really want to be a college professor in the future.  So,  I wouldn't be moving up or establishing a career in any position that I take at this immediate moment. 

Hi again,
If you are planning to continue your studies, then, to the extent that you can afford it, transitioning now makes a lot of sense as it is generally far easier to do before settling down than afterwards. From people I know and stuff I have read over the years, I also suspect that it might be easier to transition in the college environment you are aiming for than in business for example. So it looks like you are getting a plan together and that is the way to do it. While you can't ever completely control events, you have a much better chance of getting the outcome you want if you have thought things through and have a plan.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Donna
 

Quote from: JoanneB on April 27, 2013, 06:44:26 AM
I think overall you have a good sensible plan.

As others have noted, unless you know better how mom will react, I would drop the T-bomb on her as long as you know you won't get tossed out of the house. Eventually she will find out    Next on the reaction list will be denial, bargining, or acceptance.

Do you live near NYC? If so I've read a lot good stuff on the Transgender Health and Education Clinic of Callen-Lorde Community Health Center.

I've heard good things about Callen-Lorde as well, but I am going to first go to a gender therapist to try and gain some more confidence with coming out.  Still, it's nice to know that I have the informed consent option if need be.

Quote from: Donna Elvira on April 27, 2013, 08:01:09 AM
Hi again,
If you are planning to continue your studies, then, to the extent that you can afford it, transitioning now makes a lot of sense as it is generally far easier to do before settling down than afterwards. From people I know and stuff I have read over the years, I also suspect that it might be easier to transition in the college environment you are aiming for than in business for example. So it looks like you are getting a plan together and that is the way to do it. While you can't ever completely control events, you have a much better chance of getting the outcome you want if you have thought things through and have a plan.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Donna
 

Yeah, that's what I have been figuring.  By the time I enter a program, I 'll probably already be full time or close enough.  So, it would be a great way to make a fresh start.

Thanks everyone for all the support and advice.  I greatly appreciate it.

Quote from: girl you look fierce on April 27, 2013, 11:43:47 AM
Well I was in the same place 1yr ago and now I'm not.  You gave me similar advice in another thread and basically OP you just have to let go sometimes and stand up for yourself.  I was TERRIFIED of what my family was going to think and I just knew they would kick me out of their house, threaten me, tell me I was stupid and mistaken...  Well the way I did it was I moved in with my bf and transitioned.  When I finally got the courage to come out to my family later (actually just a few months ago) I was kind of caught off guard by their reaction... they accepted me.  Or I don't know, they tolerated me, and they weren't actually that surprised.

Maybe you are not giving your mom enough credit.  I still don't know if, back at home a year ago again, I would just tell my family or not.  It is very nice to wait and get some breathing room and be living your own life without family breathing down your neck.

But, either way, if your mom loved you and raised you for that long, I don't think she would just want to abandon you.  Sometimes it is easy to forget that people love you for you, not for what you call yourself, even if they don't always understand.

Hope that helps even a little and I hope you find your happiness

Thanks.  I would really find it shocking if I got kicked out.  My mom is a great person, so I can't imagine that.  I just don't want to live in an environment that continuously discourages me from being myself which I think she will do out of concern and love for me.  You know how parents can be with tough love.  But, this seems to be the only option I have without the ability to afford rent or move in with someone.  So, I just need to work up the courage to tell her.  For now, I am just going to quietly progress and tell her as soon as I can.  Thanks for your positive thoughts and support.