First of all I am not suicidal.  Just, at 55 years old realizing I need to give up on my dreams.  My dreams of completing my surgeries or of finding the love of my life.  I do have the education and talents to find good work, but I happen to be one of the few that without complete surgery, I just can't do it.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  And I just need to think about those things.  I need to find a way to just let the rest go.  Makes me wonder if there are others out there, seeing their talents waste away due to lack of surgery and support.

I understand what you mean. I am taking things slow and methodical.

I am 50 and just now accepting who I am and the complete change may not be in the cards but I am leaving things open and just taking it a little at a time, step by step. If it is not ment to be then I will decide where to stop and why. I just want to be me and I think most will accept me.

Quote from: mowdan6 on April 27, 2013, 03:03:55 PM
I do have the education and talents to find good work, but I happen to be one of the few that without complete surgery, I just can't do it. 

What do you mean? Do you mean the dysphoria is holding you back professionally?

I don't know your health situation, but we have a member here (was one of our admins) who had SRS in her 70s or so.

And what does this have to do with finding love? (If you mean you don't want to date without SRS, then I understand even though I don't think it's that practical or good for the heart)

Sometimes, it's good to recognize when to cut our losses and walk away, but are you sure this is one of those things?

Yea it is the dysphoria that both holds me back professionally and in dating.  I feel like I am living a catch 22.  I have the education to find a good job to save for surgery, and without surgery, I can't work the great job.  When it comes to dating I keep thinking.."What do I have to offer?" 
Yea I know I am one of the few.  And I just keep thinking I need to let it go, or go crazy.

Getting your surgeries should be your motivation to find a good job. If you want it done you need to think positively... Being negative only hinders the process for a lot of things for you. If you think, "Hey if I start working a good job, I can get my surgeries!" The saying it's never too late is usually very true. Being 55 is not an old age, and you should live a good life. I don't say this to come off as mean or harsh or rude, or anything bad. I say this cause you need to be happy. You deserve to be happy, like anyone else on the planet.

I would also recommend seeing a therapist if you aren't already. That can help a great deal. In the past four or five months I've been close to a complete shut down (not suicidal, I just didn't want to do anything, not even leave the house to go to a gas station for soda or a snack). After I saw a therapist I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds for it. Now I feel a world better, and I'm getting my life back together after these past few months of feeling unmotivated and just sitting around playing video games. But further back I've had anxiety for a while and chose to ignore it.

If you choose to ignore this you may end up in the same place I did. Don't let yourself get to that point. If you have, go find help. It will do you a world of good, trust me when I say that.

Jerred

Quote from: mowdan6 on April 27, 2013, 03:34:00 PM
Yea it is the dysphoria that both holds me back professionally and in dating.  I feel like I am living a catch 22.  I have the education to find a good job to save for surgery, and without surgery, I can't work the great job.

Do you mean in terms of being around other people or just motivation to do the work itself? I can understand this. There are people who can just be completely miserable and throw themselves into their work as a distraction. I am not one of those people. The quality of my work goes down when I'm in a bad mood and up when I'm feeling good. I really want to learn this trick of work being a distraction. I have huge problems focusing when I'm miserable about something.

QuoteWhen it comes to dating I keep thinking.."What do I have to offer?" 

Hopefully a lot more than a penis or lack thereof.  You know, maybe finding someone who loves you for you would help. Could be the boost you need. Maybe you could even find someone to go through this - saving money for surgery, having surgery, etc - with you.

Quote from: mowdan6 on April 27, 2013, 03:03:55 PM
Just, at 55 years old realizing I need to give up on my dreams.

Did something happen that made you start thinking this way?  Or has something been going on for a while that's wearing on you?

As I don't want to use conjecture to guess at the reasons why, I think in order to help we really need to know what's all going on that's got you thinking this way.

Does my not having male genitalia affect my life?  Absolutely.  It's nothing that happened in my life, it's just who I am.  And when I look at my life the only thing I can think is...'Wasted talent.'  And in saying that I am not looking to sound egotistical. 

Quote from: mowdan6 on April 27, 2013, 05:07:07 PM
Does my not having male genitalia affect my life?  Absolutely.  It's nothing that happened in my life, it's just who I am.  And when I look at my life the only thing I can think is...'Wasted talent.'  And in saying that I am not looking to sound egotistical.

I'm lucky enough not to have much genital dysphoria, so can't really relate. I was a wreck before top surgery though.
What bottom surgery would you like to get? You have the credentials to get a good job; is there any way to work it out to make the work/environment/whatever causes the most dysphoria when working, etc easier on you?

I know it may seem like you've been waiting forever, but we have people here just starting transition in their 50s and beyond. 55 is really not 'game over'. There's got to be something that will help you get there. You've come so far already (you're already fully transitioned with everything but bottom surgery, am I right?) I don't know which surgery you're needing or what income you can make, but what if you could have surgery in a couple years? Would that be worth it?

Yea the bottom surgery is what I am looking for.  Even though I have no problems these days with people seeing me as male, I have my own thoughts to deal with.  Every time I use the male bathroom, just having to see myself at that point as female.....well I've gotten to the point that I will bust a gut first before I will use a bathroom.  And that is my dilemma.  How can I work full time and never use a bathroom?  Because to do so, Just blows me out of the water. 

Is there any way to work remotely? From home or somewhere you're comfortable with?

Yea I have been looking into that. Working from home.  I am finding that I have dealt  with this for so long that I am running out of steam.  And now I am the caregiver for my 85 year old Dad, and that is also sapping my energy.  So, any decision I make I also have to factor in my Dad's needs.  I keep asking my dog to change places with me, but he refuses.  He knows when he has it made!!

It's never easy however I think we must all try our best since it's our lives desire just to be normal.

Middle 50"s & trying my best, however facial hair & the older face in the mirrow are unpleasant realities.

Good luck to us all.

I have seen how debilitating genital dysphoria can be.

All I've got is you've made enough progress in your transition that you're gendered male now, so you've made it that far.  You just gotta keep doing what you've been doing to get you where you want to go.  Happily too, you do have a track record of success to build on!

Quote from: mowdan6 on April 27, 2013, 03:03:55 PM
First of all I am not suicidal.  Just, at 55 years old realizing I need to give up on my dreams.  My dreams of completing my surgeries or of finding the love of my life.  I do have the education and talents to find good work, but I happen to be one of the few that without complete surgery, I just can't do it.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  And I just need to think about those things.  I need to find a way to just let the rest go.  Makes me wonder if there are others out there, seeing their talents waste away due to lack of surgery and support.

I feel the same.

I'm 57 and know I can't achieve anything now.

If I'm honest, I feel a failure. I sometimes rub salt into it, by adding guilt of self pity.

I would give almost anything to be rid of the ugly bit. I know I'd want more.

I know I'd sit down and feel so sorry for myself for all the years I wasted wearing it.  I'd be quite prepared to die the next day, just to have 24 hours with it not there.

Quote from: mowdan6 on April 27, 2013, 03:03:55 PM
First of all I am not suicidal.  Just, at 55 years old realizing I need to give up on my dreams.  My dreams of completing my surgeries or of finding the love of my life.  I do have the education and talents to find good work, but I happen to be one of the few that without complete surgery, I just can't do it.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  And I just need to think about those things.  I need to find a way to just let the rest go.  Makes me wonder if there are others out there, seeing their talents waste away due to lack of surgery and support.

hmm...can't quite relate here and curious to understand: so having dysphoria prevents you from finding a job that will earn the money for srs? is it making you somehow unable to work at a job? how about studying? obviously since you've got the education it must be assumed that either dysphoria didn't hinder you academically or you didn't have it then.

Well, I'm pretty well dissapointed with reality myself. I'll be age 61 this Tuesday. I feel in my 30's however reality of the mirrow is a bitch. I can have a decent remaining life as a normal male, lots of things to do, to others I look OK as a male, just kinda sad. For myself I've always hated being a dull ugly male & always just wanted to be a normal happy confident woman. I've tried to change all my life, like taking birth control pills from women friends back in college, dressing as a complete woman at "gay" bars in my early 20's to practice being a woman. I could go on & on however I never moved completely forward in life.

Now older & so much to do to try & change my body/face to an average woman. Damn, however I going to continue HRT for now & see what happens.

For you younger girls be glad your changing your body/face early because I can assure you it is not an easy task for us older women.

Appreciate some place to vent, taking my spiro & E. I will be taking E for the rest of my life to finally improve my body even if older.

Quote from: milktea on April 28, 2013, 06:54:55 AM
hmm...can't quite relate here and curious to understand: so having dysphoria prevents you from finding a job that will earn the money for srs? is it making you somehow unable to work at a job? how about studying? obviously since you've got the education it must be assumed that either dysphoria didn't hinder you academically or you didn't have it then.

I can't speak for mowlam.

One of the more well known stories from history is the incident where, in 1789 the Queen of France suggested that a mob, baying for bread, could eat cake. (Though the actual words used were probably different).

This is often taken as an indication of the contempt which the Aristocracy felt toward their people.

The problem with that is the evidence suggests that the French ruling classes were not unsympathetic to the problems of their people at all. They were simply pursuing a course which they, as the government, preferred and the people didn't.

We see this today with the current attempts by the western powers to resolve the economic problems while not wishing to alienate those powerful groups who are so necessary for any recovery. (Do I hear bankers??, non-tax paying multi-nationals?? and so on.)

Now I understand that your point is well made and made with good intentions. But the reality is, cost is not the issue. Cost is just a hurdle. If cost were such an issue then none of us would ever own a car or a house or almost anything that we cannot immediately pay for.

The issue standing in the way of transition are:

Local laws and regulations. I am not prepared to make myself into a clown for anyone. If I choose to wear a dress I will, but I won't wear a dress or stuff a bra with socks, just to prove to some medic that I am not just pretending to be transgender.

Social pressures. I've been beaten up many times because of my gender problems. Not because I was presenting as female, but because I was seen as such. I've been raped. I've had my crotch felt, I recall once, being. pushed to the back of a store room by three big guys, and ordered to drop my trousers so they could see if I actually had male parts.

Dealing with demons. If you don't have any then I'm pleased. For those who do, nothing can help. It's just the reality of life.

Fear.

Am I a coward. Yep.

How do I explain others achieving what I have not? They are braver and smarter and better people than I can or will ever be.

Do those realisations make things any easier? No. But they do mean that my admiration for those those who have taken that leap is perhaps understandable.

But coming here, surrounded by those who know and understand. It can only ever be second best, true. But it's a lot better than nothing at all.

I understand not having srs can have a impact on your dating life, but there are lots of diverse people out there.  Believe me, there are people who don't care about it.  While it is more difficult to find somebody, you can and will if you look and open yourself up to that possibility. 

Quote from: mowdan6 on April 27, 2013, 03:03:55 PM
First of all I am not suicidal.  Just, at 55 years old realizing I need to give up on my dreams.  My dreams of completing my surgeries or of finding the love of my life.  I do have the education and talents to find good work, but I happen to be one of the few that without complete surgery, I just can't do it.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  And I just need to think about those things.  I need to find a way to just let the rest go.  Makes me wonder if there are others out there, seeing their talents waste away due to lack of surgery and support.

Hi, 55 too but going in the other direction... Also with a good education and, for now at least, a good job. I actually lost my previous job shortly after coming out and there is little doubt in my mind that the two events were directly linked. However, I got another job immediately, where I present male but I have already come out to  my employer and we agreed to put the subject on the back burner for now.

This means living in a rather uncomfortable place, 100% woman in my private live and not quite 100% man at work as I have a very unusual physical appearance for someone in my position and also push things to the limit regarding dress. When casual, I wear mostly woman's clothes (pants, shirts, shoes, jacket...but obviously not ostentatiously feminine )  and also use a little make-up.

I haven't had bottom surgery yet, among others because it requires more time than I can ever hope to get without taking a sabbatical, out of the question for now.

Am I frustrated?  Yes, very, but at the same  I keep  telling myself I have a lot to be thankful for. In particular, havng been able to come out to so many people already and finally be myself to all those who really count in my life  has provided huge relief compared to before.

Regarding my work, I am sure that if I could transition completely I would actually perform better as getting through all of this has been a  major drain on my mental energy and like any subject that isn't completely resolved, it's always lurking just below the surface ready to distract me from other things.  However, more at peace with myself in general, I believe that in many ways I still perform better than before, being far more atuned to others and people oriented.

I guess a big difference between us is that I am happily married and my wife has provided extraordinary support over the last few years. I told her about the inner me from the beginning (8 years ago) which no doubt helped a lot but still, she had to adapt to huge changes and a real roller-coaster ride as I have gone through the hoops:  HRT, FFS, hair implants, changes in job and living place, plus of course some profound changes in the way we interact as a couple at the most intimate level.

If anything, all of this has made our couple and our love stronger than ever and, assuming you are looking for love with a woman, I am convinced that for many women, especially at our age, the quality of the relationship is by far the highest priority, coming well before what you have between your legs.

If you absolutely need bottom surgery to feel OK with yourself, then you will find a way. However, apart from you learning to cope with your own demons, I really  don't see why not having it would prevent you from building a very strong and loving relationship with another person.

Like "Not so fat - Admin" (what a name .. ) I sort of buy into the following too:

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on April 27, 2013, 04:30:55 PM
You know, maybe finding someone who loves you for you would help. Could be the boost you need. Maybe you could even find someone to go through this - saving money for surgery, having surgery, etc - with you.

Wishing you all the best in any case and yes, at 55, unless you have a serious health problem,  life is still full of possibilities!
Bises.
Donna