Passing is the proverbial "Holy Grail" for most transsexuals. It's something that you work at for years and then really after awhile of being on hormones it just kinda falls in your lap. After awhile it's just effortless. With the privilege of passing you lose one thing that is a bit of a bummer. Your visibility to other trans folks.

A week or so ago my gf and I went to the local Goodwill (I'm cheap so it's my favorite clothing store) and I spotted another transguy there. He was obviously pre T but was binding and when he spoke with the girl with him he was painfully trying to lower his voice (we've all been there lol). I didn't stare or anything but I did think it was kinda cool to see another guy in my little redneck town.

It just so happened that when we were checking out to leave we ended up behind them in line. I think he was buying stuff to maker a packer because he had aquarium tubing and a athletic cup the he was very embarrassed about when the cashier picked it up to look for a price. He turned when that happened and looked at me while his face was beet red. I just smiled politely but it was obvious that he thought I was cis.

I really wanted to say something to him in the parking lot but didn't know how to go about it. I know the resources in my area are slim pickings and if anything I thought I could help him out with that (it took me a good while to find a therapist and a doc here myself). Kinda thought I'd freak him out if I walked up and asked "Hey are you trans" so I said nothing at all. My gf thought I should have approached him.

How should someone go about approaching another trans person in public. Should we or shouldn't we? This is for rural areas btw, where encounters are few and far between. For the pre T guys, how would you feel if a guy walked up to you (who you thought was cis) and asked if you were trans? Would you appreciate the hello and the information he may be able to provide you or would you rather just be left alone?

I'm pretty sure there was another trans guy in the queue behind me once, I can't remember for the life of me what they were saying, but I overheard something they were saying to their friend which sounded pretty trans related.  I don't think I would have dared to say anything to them even if I wasn't with my grandmother and mother at the time.  I did consider trying to somehow signal to them that I was trans, but the only thing I could think of was making a 'T' with my hands, which would have just made me look strange (and I just wanted to get out of there and drink my carton of juice because I was seriously thirsty).

If I was alone I wouldn't mind someone coming up to me, whether they passed as cis or not, and offering advice.  The encounter I mentioned there happened 2 hours away from where I live, and I know there are some trans people around here because one of the staff at college mentioned it to me, and my GP knew what I was on about, but I've never noticed them.  It would be nice just to know that there were some trans people around here.  As I'm not out as male to most people I wouldn't appreciate someone coming up to me and asking flat out if I was trans.  Something more subtle, yes.

Not to thread-jack at all, but I have the same questions. I'm really glad you made this post.

I've seen trans guys (or thought I did) a couple of times; mtfs as well, but I feel like a total dick for picking out the more obvious qualities that give them away. Likewise, I always feel like I'd be a MEGA dick if I approached them about it . . . not that I even know how I would approach them! It's a relief to see someone else has had the same issue.

hey gentlemen hope i dont get kicked out for bringing a little E in here, but just flipping threw posts and saw this one.I read the responses and thought id hop in.

It suxs dont it to see a transgender individual of either part of the spectrum and want to talk to them, i like whis we could come up with a button or something so plain that other mtfs and ftms would identify and know it is safe to talk something like a white button with letters T and E side by side or what ever to let others know they can approach, but really in the end I realize just as much it sucks to not communicate for many it sucks to be read just as bad or worse, so my rule of thum unless you know they are trans identified 100% as in you see them in the support groups or posibly at queer meeting locations clubs and other or have a mutual friend that introduces you, its best to just not speak. It is bad we have to do that but we have too. Ps. You men all look fine 

There's a guy who works at the Walgreens across from my house who's trans.  I remember a few months ago when he first changed his name hearing his co-workers struggle with remembering that and pronouns.  It was painful to listen to.  But now his voice is dropping like crazy, so I'm guessing he's on T.  Like others have said-- I don't want to be like "you're trans!", but it makes me feel good to see someone else in the area going through it and I'm pretty sure he recognizes me as trans, too.

I have to admit, I get really nervous about pronouns.  Just knowing what's it's like to get called the wrong pronouns all the time makes me really paranoid.  I was running a training session at work the other day and one of the trainees was fbb but had really short hair and was wearing male clothes and I had no idea which pronouns to use.  It was a big group, too, with no time for private chat, so I didn't want to ask.  I did use she at one point, but I'm still not sure that was right...

Don't out people, Simon, but if you notice other people struggling and obviously aren't stealth yet, I'm sure they wouldn't mind hearing a word or two of personal experience.

Yeah there's this guy who I am 99% sure is trans despite his facial hair who sits about 3 seats away from me in two of my classes. I guess in my case, it'd be really easy to just be like hey man and strike up a random convo and see what becomes of it. I sometimes run across guys who I am sure is trans on the t as well. We need like a secret handshake or something. 

I think if I saw the guy at the thriftshop and I knew there wasn't any resources around I probably would've tried to say something in the parking lot. I don't think I'd just be like "hey I know you're trans" but probably just introduce myself and say that I am trans and that if he ever needs help that he can contact me and just give him an email or facebook account. I wouldn't appreciate it if some random person just came up and asked if I was trans, but I'd probably appreciate it if the person first told me they were trans.

i got it it will cost you, but drop a dollar and when he is in the parking lot go up to him and say hey you dropped this at the register, that brings up conversation and from there you can try to lead the conversation to you being trans and hope if he is he will open up as trans.

Quote from: LearnedHand on April 28, 2013, 08:02:02 PM
I think if I saw the guy at the thriftshop and I knew there wasn't any resources around I probably would've tried to say something in the parking lot. I don't think I'd just be like "hey I know you're trans" but probably just introduce myself and say that I am trans and that if he ever needs help that he can contact me and just give him an email or facebook account. I wouldn't appreciate it if some random person just came up and asked if I was trans, but I'd probably appreciate it if the person first told me they were trans.

Yeah, I would never out anyone. That is one reason I didn't approach him. I didn't know if the girl with him was a gf or a friend. I wouldn't scream across the parking lot or anything. I guess more than anything I felt bad for him in a way. In this area I know of two docs that will work with transmen and they are still a decent drive to get to.

If I ever come across him again I might approach him that way...by outing myself (I'm stealth so that should be interesting). We've all been there (or are still there) and I know that there were times I wish someone would have attempted to help me.

Personally, I wouldn't. i know how awful that would make me feel so I wouldn't do that to anyone else in case theyd feel like I do. Maybe if they were unknowingly doing something that would out themself like some sort of binder or packer malfunction, in which case i might discretely point it out to them before someone less friendly than i am notices.

I live in Minneapolis area and I see trans folks everywhere!  There is a big trans community with the university doing all the research and stuff I suppose.  I typical try to say something to the person to make them feel good ... one time I was at the cable company and I overheard co-workers talking to her welcoming her back to work after having some time off (I was under the impression she left as a man and returned as a woman) she wasn't the person helping me I just went up to her counter and told her that I loved her hair and she looked beautiful with it (as I was walking away I heard her co-worker say to her "see that guy saw you as a woman and says you look great), which made me smile b/c I was preT and just binding.

Quote from: Simon on April 28, 2013, 08:18:24 PM
Yeah, I would never out anyone. That is one reason I didn't approach him. I didn't know if the girl with him was a gf or a friend. I wouldn't scream across the parking lot or anything. I guess more than anything I felt bad for him in a way. In this area I know of two docs that will work with transmen and they are still a decent drive to get to.

If I ever come across him again I might approach him that way...by outing myself (I'm stealth so that should be interesting). We've all been there (or are still there) and I know that there were times I wish someone would have attempted to help me.

Yeah the way I see it, being pre-t, I know it's pretty obvious to anyone who's not blind that I am FAAB so what's the point of pretending like I pass when I don't, so I'd much rather have the opportunity to speak with another transguy (especially a cool cat like you) then just have them keep walking and be in the dark (esp. if I was in an area like yours where there's not a lot of trans resources).

---------

edit to add: and I was just thinking... I am from a small townish area full of hillbillies and I think the only reason why I haven't jumped off a bridge was because I have access of more large and liberal places like Boston and even Providence. A lot of my life's dark moments (lgbt related that is) was when I was young and stuck at home and didn't have access to these more liberal places (and man... it was even pre-internet days too). I think it's more important to make friendships with other LGBT people in areas without the support networks that we have up here just to make sure people don't feel alone and they have actual IRL people to reach out to when needed.

Personally, I would definitely appreciate it if someone came up to me and offered to talk or something, as long as they outed themselves, not ask me if I was trans. By just asking if someone is trans, especially if you're stealth and seen as cis, it could be taken as if you were a transphobe or something and could be really intimidating- I'd probably be inclined to say 'no' if someone just asked me. I wouldn't know if they were asking to help me or asking to hate on me. However, if someone made it clear that they wanted to help (like by outing themself), I would probably tell them that I was too, and I'd appreciate their coming to talk and outing themselves to help a fellow transperson.
Being in a place where I know there is at least a small trans population but not a visible one, I would definitely appreciate someone who was partway or completely through their transition to come and talk or offer advice.

one thing to keep in mind is that he may not have even been pre-T, and even if he was, he may have been quite far along in his transition (socially and legally), so may be familiar with all he needs to do. I know that was the case for me - I was en route to start T, just waiting for family stuff, and already did the name change, was living as male (to the best of my ability, given my trouble passing) and gotten referrals for surgery. It was just a matter of waiting. I knew every step I needed to take, and what that entailed, I didn't really need or want additional support.

And I always had people coming up to me, well-intentioned, saying "hey, I can get you started on this." And it was hurtful. Sometimes these people were actually new to transitioning themselves, knowing less than I did, but assumed because of how I looked, that I was brand new at it. What was a real slap in the face was when I was on hormones and people did that - saying "hey, I can get you started on the path to hormones." To me, it made me feel like my appearance made me look like someone who was trying and failing. Maybe I was taking it too personally, but it sucks when you're on your way but people assume you're not and need help.

If I was in his case, I wouldn't appreciate it.  The first thing that would run through my mind is "how does he know?! What am I not doing to pass? Darn, he saw the cup and the tubing and knew what it was for."  Then I'd deny that I'm trans and I would go home stressing out for the next 6 hours if he spotted me then who else could probably spot me and I wouldn't leave the house for the rest of the week.

It's a good thing he isn't me.

Looks about 50/50 in here for who would try to befriend him and who wouldn't. It's all based on what someone would have wanted for themselves in that situation of course and it's hard to gauge what a stranger would appreciate.

I think for many who live in a rural setting (my neighbors are cows and a corn field) there is more of an isolation factor than those living in metropolitan areas. It's rough when you're first starting out and feel like "dang, am I the only one here". I did start out before there was even much of an online community (except Livejournal) so maybe I'm more sensitive to the lonely aspects of transition.

It's not about trying to be a know-it-all or to pressure someone into following your path. Everyone has their own approach. It's just about offering whatever knowledge someone has gained of area resources, take it or leave it. The other thing is I'm actually (believe it or not) a really laid back person and I don't mind making a new friend. You never know who is in or starting transition that needs someone to talk or relate to. I just think it's nice to offer those things to someone. They could very well tell me to take a hike and I would respect that. Ya never know.

Quote from: Malachite on April 28, 2013, 11:22:33 PM
If I was in his case, I wouldn't appreciate it.  The first thing that would run through my mind is "how does he know?! What am I not doing to pass? Darn, he saw the cup and the tubing and knew what it was for."  Then I'd deny that I'm trans and I would go home stressing out for the next 6 hours if he spotted me then who else could probably spot me and I wouldn't leave the house for the rest of the week.

It's a good thing he isn't me.

Yeah, that'd be me too. I'd have a dysphoria meltdown of "I'M NEVER GOING TO PASS TO TRANSPEOPLE EVER THIS IS RUINING MY LIFE AND NOW I MUST SOB RELENTLESSLY OH THE HUMANITY" and not want to get out of bed for a week. I live in NYC, I've seen transfolk around. It'd be nice to sit down and swap stories over lunch from one perspective, from the other not so much. I for one don't want to see myself as being defined as trans, it's not something I'm going to openly talk about unless I'm here on the forum or outing myself in the most shameless way possible. To me it's like an embarrassing birth defect, one of those things you rectify and move on from without speaking of it.

Quote from: Simon on April 28, 2013, 06:23:08 PM
SNIP

I really wanted to say something to him in the parking lot but didn't know how to go about it. I know the resources in my area are slim pickings and if anything I thought I could help him out with that (it took me a good while to find a therapist and a doc here myself). Kinda thought I'd freak him out if I walked up and asked "Hey are you trans" so I said nothing at all. My gf thought I should have approached him.

How should someone go about approaching another trans person in public. Should we or shouldn't we? This is for rural areas btw, where encounters are few and far between. For the pre T guys, how would you feel if a guy walked up to you (who you thought was cis) and asked if you were trans? Would you appreciate the hello and the information he may be able to provide you or would you rather just be left alone?

I think your opening would have been to ask the question, "Are you trying to make a packer?"  Non-trans folks would probably not catch on.

But I thought you guys had a secret FtM handshake, like this ...

Based on his embarrassment and your suspicions about the packer, if it had been possible to talk to him alone then maybe. Everyone's different in the end. Personally I'd love if this happened to me in a situation where what I'm trying to do or buy outs me but only to fellow trans. I get the fear of not passing but this wasn't so much not passing as it was just a fellow trans identifying. I'm struggling to get away from work in time to get to any of the drop in sessions anywhere here and I'm desperate to get there as I want to get this process properly kicked off but I don't know which doctor to go to, or therapist, or where the hell to start. I'm a Scot in Canada and I barely understood the process in Scotland but at least there I had a doctor I could talk to, right now I don't want to sign up for a GP without knowing in advance if they're both trans friendly and knowledgeable enough on the subject to be of any use! So if this happened to me and you first outted yourself to me and offered assistance, I'd be eternally grateful. So it's hard to say whether he'd have liked it or not but that's my two cents.

If it had been me, I wouldn't have been upset about not passing (I was very well aware I didn't pass well), I'd rather be very annoyed that someone approached me about something that personal.