This post is going to be kind of long but sometimes I get these urges to spill my mind onto paper (or in this case digital paper)
I had what one would call an epiphany over the past week which started with my looking into getting FFS for what
I considered to be a very masculine eye sore on my face. Honestly I never even noticed the brow bossing along the center of my brow line until someone on these very forums brought it up after I posted a before and after picture. It's not their fault or anything but since that point I became fixated on that thing, that very thing which I never even knew existed became a target of many hours of worry and obsession.
As trans women we are trained like cis women to pick out our imperfections. We are especially trained to pick out our masculine imperfections. The broad nose, the bossed brow, the all too squared jaw line or the not so round hairline become targets of fear and obsession far beyond what they deserve. We obsess and we obsess yet every day many of us go out and about and get viewed simply as female. People tell us we are pretty and passable yet we question how they could be so blind as to not see the male we see when we look at ourselves.
As I obsessed about my brow line I began to pick out other issues. Things I considered minor or unnoticeable became frightening and ugly. Despite what others told me I still saw the man staring back at me with all his ugly male features. I would look at every day women and focus on the feminine aspects of their face and bodies and compare them to the masculine parts of mine. It made me feel like an ugly freak that would never pass or be looked at as female. I figured even the hormones weren't changing anything because when I asked people at work if they saw a difference they just shook their head and said "just your longer hair."
I went to my parents who I trust for their opinions and told them I was thinking of getting surgery to correct these issues I was so focused on fixing. I looked at them puzzled when they asked me what masculine features I had because they saw a very feminine face. My dad said when he saw me presenting female he thought I looked like any other girl. I started to point out the things that bothered me and they would say that's hardly even noticeable or the plenty of women had that. My mom started to get upset and told me that i'm just playing into the same bs imperfection nitpicking that has plagued women for years and has been used as a tool for profiting off us. My dad said that whenever he feels a part of him is ugly he just thinks "did I ever look at other people and notice that before?" "did I even care?
We are our own worst critics. I began to realize that before I began transition I never looked at these silly things on a woman. I saw a woman and she was a woman because that's how she presented herself. These was no question in my mind because I wasn't looking for these "masculine imperfections" I was looking at her in the whole as what she was, a female. The fact of the matter is that our "pass ability" is not based around having a slighting smaller nose or less curved jaw but simply our confidence and how we present ourselves as women. I we have no doubt in ourselves what reason do others have to doubt us?
I found a good analogy in my past experiences which may seem rather odd but stick with me. I use to be really active in the Star Wars costuming community. I have costumes of various characters from stormtrooper to sand person.
This is my at Legoland California doing an event for Star Wars days. I'm on the left
and at barns and noble waiting for a film opening. (i'm the one reading)
These were what we would consider to be high quality movie style replica costumes. We had to make them ourselves within the community from scratch using photos from the films and props. We are so trained to know every difference in the props and costumes that we can nitpick every wrong detail or difference between our costumes and the film costumes and even the differences, deformities and screw up on the movie costumes themselves. I watched the movies a thousand times growing up and there were things about the costumes I never knew about until shown them specifically by other costumers.
bet you didn't notice all these imperfections and quick fixes when you watched the films. Now that you know where they are go find them and they will be eye sores.
bet you didn't know the basic stormtrooper costume was different in all three original fims.
When we went to conventions and events I would be dumbfounded when people could not notice differences between the hand made stormtrooper costumes. To me I saw one with the wrong color stripes or the wrong lenses or a helmet shaped the wrong way but to the "civilian" onlookers and even dire hard fans were were all stormtroopers and looked the same.
They didn't notice these things because they were untrained eyes that simply saw stormroopers, not hand made costumes. Just like the average person looks at us and see's a woman.
I went back and decided to add more questions to my coming out spiel to my coworkers.
Me: "Have you noticed anything different about me in the past few months?"
Her: "Not really just longer hair"
Me: "Really anything else?"
Her: *Pauses to look at me for a second*
Her: "Well your skin looks softer."
Me: "What about my complete lack of facial hair?"
Her: "Oh well I guess I never really payed attention to those things"
Me: *Hold up an old picture of myself pre-transition*
Her: "Who the hell is that? Is that you? Did you look like that when you worked here?"
The point is that because I was presenting and acting male I was simply male in her eyes despite the feminine features I had developed through HRT. Combined with seeing me on a daily basis the changes never even occurred to her. I will not be surprised if when I go full time she actually notices the female that I am.
This is me 7 months ago my first day on hormones.
This is me recently.
I don't see much change but what do you see? What do they see?
I realize most of you will read this and just brush it aside or not let it sway your feelings. I realize some of us are blessed with more female features than male and that some of us have a harder time being taken for female than others. I hope though that some of you will read this and see that others see you differently that your trained eyes see you. That you are not defined by your nose or your jaw but by yourself as a whole.
Anyways....that's all..
