I started passing at 4 months so I know what it's like to be that lucky and I also know that transition, passing, and satisfaction are all relative. Should we be grateful for how we look and are perceived? Yes. In fact, we must be grateful if we wish to be honest with ourselves or content or free from fear. That being said...our concerns are not illegitimate. As a transsexual I have a distinct history as someone who was in body and perception - male. When you start fitting into the position you always dreamed of its wonderful but you start wanting it even more. The closer you get the less tolerable the obstacles keeping you from being perfectly placed there become. Before I passed I never dreamed I would pass and when I started to I quickly acclimated to my new reality and became aware of my new concerns which were maintaining my new freedom and grasping onto the miracle of my life as firmly as possible. This is dangerous, of course, because I will never, no matter how hard I try, be Cis. I am transsexual and that is something I need to accept. That doesn't mean I should tolerate male features I can't stand, but it does mean that I need to accept where I came from and what composes my constitution as a woman.
I started getting a fuller face at 7 months and now at 9 months it us very different than when I began. Much more feminine. That being said - it's not like a large injection of fat, it's that my skin has become different and plumped up, that subcutaneous layer had developed. When I smile my cheeks are full! But I have an angular face still...and it is unreasonable to expect that women don't. I think I had it in my mind that women have big full cheeks and lots of face fat but that's not a typical woman's face at all! Some women have faces like that but by no means all. That doesn't make it easier for me. If I had a fatter face I would look way more female from all angles. But I can't control that without surgery and I don't want to need that much control over what I have imagined is making me look male.
You need to be gentle on yourself and remember that you are a woman and you look like one too. Accept that you are transsexual and continue to work hard for what you believe in for your body but don't let that need for control make you lose gratitude for where you are or what you have become.
I had a horrible moment of dysphoria last night where I stared at my face crying because its so male. I pass well and in my avatar I know I look great, but it's when I have no makeup at all, hair pulled back, and from the side that I see a long face, a Huge head, bony features, a big Brow, or a man staring at me. It's too much. And as someone who passes and is perceived female in my daily life, the pressure is too great. I take off my clothes at the end of the day and I see a body grown in two directions. And I have a very feminine frame in most regards, I should be grateful. But too much of me is still male. I look at myself in the mirror naked and I feel lost in a body that doesn't meet the standard set for it by the social recognition of it. Meaning that I am a woman, people see me as one, I shouldn't have a Penis or large chest muscles or the head of a man. I should be able to take my clothes off and see a woman but I can't and I try to see her desperately. It makes me feel like a phony, like if the world came home with me they'd know what I really am, and they'd understand that clothing, makeup, hair, and lighting are the controlling forces in my gender.
That's a really dark place, and I can't explain how much it hurts to go there. But I also can't really explain how much it hurts that I would do this to Myself. I don't deserve to be observed in a microscope or dismembered in a mirror. Not by anyone. And I don't deserve to be held to a standard I can never meet, or to be forced to be anyone's ideal. I need to be who I am and that means transitioning sex and I won't stop until I know I'm home in my body, but I need to be doing this for myself and while doing so I need to be gentle. I also need to accept that I don't see myself clearly. People tell me I don't look male at all any more. I don't believe them. But why not? Why can't I just accept it, even if part of me appears that way? This is a dangerous balance that we need to work on every day. It's a blessing to pass but once you do your dysphoria can change into something else, and we need to be prepared for that.
I'm so happy and in love with my life and body today and I am responsible for taking care of Diana and never letting anyone hurt her or strike her down or disempower her today, including myself. Good luck, I believe in you...
