Nearly four years ago I came out to my spouse as transgendered.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done.  I was seeing a therapist, spent some time dressing behind her back, and tried hard to keep this from her.  I didn't want to hurt her by revealing this to her.  But the feelings would not go away.  No matter how hard I tried.  I had even experimented with estrogen and loved how it felt in me.

We went to therapy together.  I spent some time "out" and dressed and loving every minute of it.  Clearly I wanted more.  Like the old story, the more I got, the more I wanted.  However, she did not like this at all.  She saw this as the culmination of a whole series of lies.  My life was a lie to her.  I lied to her about who I was.  She cried and yelled.  I felt extremely guilty for hurting her as I did.  So, I suppressed.  I put teri away and lived, again, in a way that would please her.

These feelings of incongruence are back.  The need to live as a woman has returned, stronger than every.  I am not sure what I should do.  If I move forward, clearly it will end our marriage and crush her.  If I do not, it will surely cruch me.

I would value any insights you may have.

Teri

Quote from: teri on May 15, 2013, 12:41:43 PM
I would value any insights you may have.

Well, obviously staying married is better if you can stand it.

IF you can stand it.

That's a big "if". Susan's boards are saturated with posts from people who tried to deny their transgender and ended up having it eat them up from inside.

I knew I couldn't do it. That's the reason why I'm transitioning despite that fact that it's slashing and burning a 20-year marriage.

Will you be able to handle it? Only you know.

I would suggest discussing it with a gender therapist. They're especially good at helping people in your situation.

Good luck Teri.

Teri I have been dealing with this for most of my life and I can say it doesn't go away. You can try and bury this but it will always be there lurking beneath the surface. Eventually I just realized the utter futility in fighting who I was. And started to learn to accept it because I just couldn't live my life as a lie anymore.

I thought I could be strong with this, too, until the tears and accusations.  I melt.  How do I stay strong?  The feelings seem so very intense today.

Your situation is difficult and in the end you will need to make your decision. I know the feeling, the situations and the delima. My wife of 20 years, was very hurt and angry, 2 weeks past. I explained I see myself as a woman when we have sex, anger and disgust came from her. 3 weeks past and she asked why I always have head aches and feel sick and I said it was from disphoria. We talked and I will be on HRT in 13 days. ( I was going to self med but chose not to due to the potential health risks). I explained the 0-6 month mental and physical changes most likely and that at 6 months I can look at the HRT again.

I came out to her several years ago and she has not changed her views at all.  She married a man and wants that . . . and the security of marriage.  Some days I feel like such a failure.  I have tried very hard to be the husband she thought she married.  For some days I can do this but the feelings, needs and desires come back stronger than ever.  I know.  I am whining.  I just wish I could find the strength to choose a path and stay with it.  I thought I could transition and backed off.  I thought I could live as a male...but that doesn't seem to be working either.

With respect Teri. This is the point.

It isn't possible to say if you should or shouldn't be married. But it seems fairly obvious what your choices are.

As Heather says in #2, it doesn't go away. But are you ready to let go of your marriage for your feelings?

Apologies for appearing difficult, but the decision must be yours love.

Thank you for your candor.  I know what needs to be done and at one point I felt ready for all that would come.  I am unable to get beyond the point where I am right now.  I do not know how to gt beyond this point.  Any thoughts you might have would be appreciated. 

Teri

Been there myself

From what you say your wife is being selfish for her own wants, she wants a strong man and the secuity of marriage and does not want to loose what she has.
But from the other perspective we are selfish wanting to change and from what you say it is getting stronger and consuming you.

I know the torment you must be going through, but you can only look out for yourself. Trying to ensure you wifes happines is a no win situation I have found, she always wanted more and made her issues mine.

I never metioned my GID to her and just walked way as it was too hard to cope. (no children involved but I did loose my 2 dogs).

She moved on very quickly, met someone else and had a family so I dont feel much for her now.

At some point we all have to make hard desicions that have to be made
Was it easy? No.
Did it hurt me? yes.
Did I loose alot? yes.
Am I happier now? yes
Is she happy now, no idea as it is not my problem.

Stay strong and don't fall for her emotion blackmail as you need to take care of yourself first before you can be there for anyone else.

J

Been there and still livin there

About 30 years ago after twice experimenting with transitioning I opted to fake normal. I also learned to be up front with an S.O. about being, at the very least, TG.

I had various ways to get though the waves of dysphoria. Sometimes low dose HRT was needed. Generally just indulging in cross-dressing more frequently than my sort of monthly da of escape from maleness.

Though my wife always knew, she was just somewhat supportive. Occasional CD'ing was fine. Same for daily panty wearing. It did take a few days after seeing me for the day as Joanne to stuff that image.

Four years things got really bad for me as I lost so much of my foundational identities. Lost my dream job, had to relocate 350 miles for a new one while my wife needed to stay behind to house-sit. THe new job sucked as I was no longer being a real engineer, just a paper pushing cog in a giant machine.

The life review that followed concluded most of the disasters in my life was because I was trans. It was the time to take the beast on once and for all. It has been a tough journey so far. Lots of tears, pleanty of rewards.

Needless to say, my wife was not all that thrilled at first. Feelings of betrayal, abandonment, being lied to, jealousy (other group members since she knew I had a history of dating TS's) etc.. The first year or so were incredibly difficult for us both. Yes, she always knew I was a trans*. She pegged me as mostly a CD. Deep down I believed TS but knew I could never go down that path.

Over time, as she saw how much I have been growing through this process, she has become a lot more supportive. Sure neither of us know what the future holds. If I ever do need to, or decide, to go full-time she cannot promise how long or in what capacity she can stick around. I totally understand. We both place the others happiness above our own.

Advice from deep inside the trenches?  It depends. Plenty of open honest communication. Avoid overwhelming her and TMI. Always keep in mind you spent a lifetime just tring to get a grip on this. She had only days in comparison

I fought me every step of the way on resisting transition.  I hid things I was up to and feeling from my SO.  I made promises to her that I didn't beleive I could keep and since haven't.

Yet today, we find ourselves in a pretty good place.

It was an adjustment but when I finally stoped "protecting" her our situation began to improve.  More recently I found out that she nearly left me before I went ahead with transition because I was so intolerable to be around.  Very truly, transition saved my relationship.

Still I do make special effort to keep our relationship working.  Hair ties and baggy t-shirts are great for letting her see the man she fell in love with.  And to me it's a small thing I can happily do for us.  When we're just sitting around the apartment, alone together, the relationship is more important than my gender identity.  I'm aware I'm lucky that way.  But maybe if you get creative too you can figure out something that'll work for the two of you?  Hopefully? 

Good luck!

Quote from: teri on May 15, 2013, 12:51:04 PM
I thought I could be strong with this, too, until the tears and accusations.  I melt.  How do I stay strong?  The feelings seem so very intense today.

Oh Teri, I know how tough this is (I really know).

I need to tell you something. Despite how nasty things are now, finding out that my wife rejects me as a woman is 100% for the best. Because transition or not, I AM a woman, and if she can't accept me that way, then there will never be enough between us to sustain a marriage.

I know this is an awful time for you and maybe this perspective makes it worse, but it really does feel like I'm finally on the right road.

Thank you for all of your insights.  How are things better for you?  Can you offer some support as to how much better things will be for me?  I am at a precipice right now and need all of the encouragement and support I can get.

If you are doing what truly what to, it means you will be happier and more comfortable with your body and life.

There is little more to add.

Once again, I'm sorry for being obtuse.

Quote from: teri on May 18, 2013, 10:34:04 AM
Thank you for all of your insights.  How are things better for you?  Can you offer some support as to how much better things will be for me?  I am at a precipice right now and need all of the encouragement and support I can get.

I can't tell what it will be like for you. I'll tell you my story:

I've always been uncomfortable around men, comfortable around women. My friendships with women have always been the ones that were the most rewarding. As I got older, it became harder and harder to fit in socially.

When I'm around women dressed as myself, it feels so natural now. Like it was a role I was born to play.

If I didn't feel this sense of rightness (and the corresponding sense of wrongness when I'm in male mode) I know transitioning wouldn't be right for me.

There's something deep in my brain that "wants" me to be female. It cannot be reasoned with and the act of fighting with it is exhausting and demoralizing.

Does this help?

I don't know what will happen for you.

I can say for me my life is finally being lived.  I'm social.  I'm inclined to try new things.  I'm taking much better care of myself.  Transition was a liberation!  I feel like I fit in.  I'm happy and I like myself.

Usually, people's lives seem to get better when they embrace themselves.  Transition works and while you may pay a heavy price for it the cost we pay from not being ourselves, we really can't understand that cost until we're not paying it anymore.  So, I'd say you have tons of hope that in the end, you'll come out ahead.

Our lives are defined by the choices we make in life and how we deal with the consequences.

The reaction of your wife appears to be an indication of just how big a deal changing your gender identity is. It's major.

It's all very easy to be looking in from the outside, form an opinion that it's all black and white, what you should have done and what you need to do now.

Just one thing which the people who say 'should have' always tend to overlook and that's the fact that the past cannot be changed. You might as well ask someone if they like eating blueberry muffins as that question is about as relevant and helpful as any statement including the two words 'should have'.

But looking from the inside out, as I have, you're often in a situation where you have to make a choice between two things which are absolutely essential for a happy life - on the one side love and affection from others and on the other the complete freedom of being yourself without any reservation.

Teri, how do you want to live? How do you really want people in your life to relate to you? How do you want them to feel about you? How do you want to feel about yourself?

What sort of memories do you want to create with your life?

Try to imagine that today is your 80th birthday. What do you want to look back on in your life? Changes and personal growth? Things you have learned and achieved?

Missed opportunities? Empty years of loneliness and isolation either on your own or with someone else who doesn't completely understand or accept you? Do you know what it's like to go a complete year without meeting anyone socially? Or to dream simply of a good honest conversation with another human being where you can pour your heart out to the very bottom?

Please have a think about this Teri. While you are thinking about this, also please consider that all the time you are thinking about this, every minute, every hour, every day, it is not just time which is ticking away. It's also your life.

How do you want to live your life?

I could be wrong, but reading this thread I get a kind of impression that you need or want to make a decision but you're looking for some form of external validation. Is this what you're looking for?

What do you want me to say? That I believe and it pleases God that you should find yourself and transition? Do you want me to shuffle my Tarot cards and give you an online reading?

This isn't how life works. Transitioning isn't just about the surgery, the hormones, the FFS, that's just the physical stuff, the tip of the iceberg. Much of the transition is internal, and your progress is determined more or less by what goes on inside your head.

I'm not going to pretend or sugar coat things, it isn't easy. Some of it is difficult, some of it is made difficult by the mistakes you make, and some of these mistakes cost more than you anticipate and you learn a bit more than you bargained for.

But then again we are talking about an achievement involving a major life change and in that context it's not really that much different from other changes, such as starting a new business, getting recognition for an artistic hobby or talent, overcoming a serious or long term drug or alcohol addiction.

The exact same principles apply. For example the principle of making a choice or decision and sticking to it even if things go against you.

The principle of making a choice or decision on the basis of being convinced that you're making the right decision or choice for you and one which is going to benefit you in the long term.

The principle of being prepared to sacrifice to get what you want, to compromise, to hold out for when things take a turn for the better.

The principle of never giving up on yourself, no matter what.

The ability to take risks and calculate those risks.

I'm assuming that you get the picture. So much of what you need to transition might already be there inside you.

How do you want to live? What is the inner voice of your soul telling you?

Do you want to live your life for others at the expense of yourself, or do you want to live your life being yourself with others who accept you for who you really are?

I'm not you, so I can't possibly understand what these options mean to you.

Nor could I ever hope to suggest where the real payoff for you lies in these options.

All I know is that I started out similar to where you are now, I chose the latter, which I now have and have had for quite a while now.

+1 for Stella's comments, as brutally true they are.

I think, actually know, the biggest positive aspect for me has been becomming human again. I've rediscovered the lost joy, happiness, even some passion that unintentionally got buried as I tried so desperately to bury me.

Only you Terri can decide what course to take. Just remember foremost, that comming to an understanding of yourself, of your T? nature, does not mean ultimately needing to transition. I've always wanted to, at times I think I need to. Yet there are many good reasons for me not to.

Over time my wife has become more understanding, supportive, and to some extents an advocae for Joanne. I grew so much as a person during this period of understanding mself, my feelings, my fears. I still have plenty to learn