I know this is like asking how long a piece of string is but I'm asking this as I'm having a bit of a fight with a supposed friend, she was my ex as well.  She found out about me transitioning over 2 years ago, has had 2 boyfriends in between now and then. 

She texted me back today that she wished she could help me more, i.e do more things with me, but she can't treat me like one of her normal friends.  I got really angry with her about this.  I've had suspicions that she only ever asks to do something with me when one of as I described it "real" friends cancel on her. I have to listen and support all her problems with her new boyfriends, and I will do and actually like too, but I just feel used.  She just still see's the remains of him, and not the real person who I am now, and it has really upset me.

Well I texted back a few angry messages, calmed down and then thought about what I really wanted to say without all the emotions getting in the way.  Basically I've given her an ultimatum, start treating me as a normal real friend, (I think she has had enough time), and forget him and see the real me or forget it.  I'm not prepared to be hurt or used (as I see it) anymore.

I've not heard back from her yet, and I suspect I know what whinny little excuse of an answer she will give.   Did I and am still over reacting or am I just calling her out on her behavior that is hurtful and wrong?  I don't trust my emotions much as I can overreact dramatically sometimes, but I have thought I'm getting the hang of them.

I wouldn't say you overreacted. However, barraging her with your emotions doesn't help, that just makes people resent you and deny that you are right.

I think a lot depends on how long you've been exclusively presenting as female. Its hard to expect others to see us as one thing while we look very much like the other. Its why I didn't tell most people until I went fulltime and then gave them time from there.

And with that said, I doubt she will ever really see you as you would like, after all, she is an ex and part of her mind will always be thinking about that when she's around you. And if you are referring to her "whining" and using you, are you sure you even want to continue any sort of relationship at all with her? Its hard enough to be friends with an ex under ideal circumstances, much less throw in something like being trans in the mix. No point in being friends with someone if its going to be that stressful.

I hear you on this one Rachel, I really do.

Being trans can give us some really trashy filters when it comes to dealing with people. I guess that we all have at some point had someone who's come into our lives not for the right reasons, or we've let them into our lives and given, also not for the right reasons.

When things don't go right you can spend more than a few sleepless nights with the perennial question 'Is this because I'm trans?'

Problem is not always. I think also nowadays it's harder for many people to follow through on stuff. Some people do tend to relate to others purely in utilitarian terms so that their there's got to be some sort of payoff or some sort of emotional attrition where they are the ones with the advantage.

I've had a female friend like that. She's into men and she's okay and fine when she doesn't have a man in her life or when things aren't going so well. But when she's 'fallen in love' with a new man or met 'the one' I know not to bother her with anything and that she won't have time for me.

I say had because she wanted to get involved in the theatre I'm working with and I cut her into one of my plays as a co-author. We chatted about the ideas on the phone one night and the next day she's on Facebook claiming that she's writing a play with no mention of me. I cut her dead right there and then.

When she called up I told her to just let the friendship go, it's over, and just move on and be happy.

I think it's worth not having any sort of expectations when it comes to other people or having as few expectations as possible. I think the problem with stuff like friendships and relationships is the expectations, especially the unfulfilled expectations.

I mean, what sort of friendship is it if you have to ask someone to start treating you like a normal friend?

I've got to be honest I'd rather be alone than have friends like that. Seriously.

What you've got to bear in mind is that being trans doesn't diminish your value as a human being. If people have issues with you being trans and you feel that they're holding you at arm's length then just let go and move on.

Just remember that there's a lot of cisgendered folks out there. I think they outnumber us twenty to one, if not more. There's cisgendered folks out there who don't have any issues with people who are trans and who don't have an issue with being seen with people who are trans.

It's been two years and you've been understanding for that long.  I think your feelings are justified.  Perhaps you didn't voice them correctly, but I think it's understandable. 

Thanks for the replies, it was nice to know that I wasn't going off on one completely.

Well her reply was that she's been through enough recently, and she had to think of herself now, and she can't do this now.  Well I knew it would be lame, and dismissive.  I've called her on it, she's been using me as a backup friend and I've told her that I'm through.  If she can't see the person who I am now then I don't want to know anymore.