Hi Everyone,
I've been coming to Susan's for a few months now. It took some time to find the courage to register as that meant admitting that I had a problem. Now I think it's time to introduce myself.

My name is Ciara and I'm from Ireland. I'm 54 years old, happily married with a son and daughter in their twenties. I love them all dearly. My problem.....I am a girl living the life of a man.

My story is similar to many of yours. I have always been uncomfortable with my body. I have always wished to be a girl. In my teens I wore my sisters' clothes and continued to wear my wife's clothes throughout my life – always in secret. I kept my feelings of femininity "under control" – or so I thought. A few months ago a teacher friend was staying with us and related a story of one of her students whose life was in torment as she was a girl in a boy's body. In the detail of the story I heard my own life story being told. A floodgate opened as a lifetime of my anxieties and my suppressed emotions came pouring through. I had lost control and I was left alone and exposed, face to face with my gender.

All my life I had told myself that I was a man wishing to be a girl. I now realise that I had it the wrong way around - I was always a girl. Once I accepted being a girl it brought great relief to my life. For the first time I felt in my heart that I am a beautiful and loving girl. I feel closer to my wife, children and friends as a girl.

However there is a downside. Ireland is a conservative country that has little tolerance for people that are not in the mainstream of society. Coming out would result in my wife and children being ridiculed and I would certainly be a social outcast. There is little support in Ireland for transgendered women, especially in their fifties. While I had started on a beautiful journey to discover my gender, I was scared that it may take me somewhere I could not go and where the cost to my loved ones may be very high indeed. And so I arrived at Susan's, scared, vulnerable and alone.

Since coming to Susan's I have met the most wonderful, loving and supportive people. I am still a little scared, I am still a little vulnerable but I am no longer alone........thank you.

While of course I would love to become the woman I am, I am pragmatic enough to know that it will not happen. I am however in a really good place in my life. Lots of good things have happened to me since all of this started.
   I feel good about myself
   I have accepted my gender, I love being a woman
   The gulit that I carried through my life as result of being uncomfortable in my body is gone as I know I had done nothing wrong.
   I know what I am and I know who I am and I am really comfortable with both.
I will never again hide my feelings from myself and I hope that this will help me on the path that I must choose. I hope you will continue to be there for me whenever I need help. Sometimes my head tells me that I have gone insane but in my heart I know that this is real. I may never transition but I will always be a woman.

So.........that is my story. I have never before been so honest.

Thank you all for your kindness.
Love,
Ciara.

"I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams"
W.B. Yeats.

Tá athas orm buaileadh leat! 

I am glad you're finding the support you need here on Susans.

Hi Ciara,

Welcome to our little family. Over 11365. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Janet  )O(

Hello, Ciara!  Top of the mornin', darlin'.

I have seen quite a few of your posts this month, and I was hoping to get to know you better.  I'm a transgendered person in their 50's as well, and it has been quite a journey to get to this point.

Remember this, we are a community that supports our members, regardless of their circumstances.  There are quite a few of us, for what ever reason, may never make a full physical transition.  But that does not stop us from being who we really are, to the best of our ability.

Quote from: Jamie D on May 28, 2013, 04:30:07 AM

Remember this, we are a community that supports our members, regardless of their circumstances.  There are quite a few of us, for what ever reason, may never make a full physical transition.  But that does not stop us from being who we really are, to the best of our ability.

Hi Jamie,
Thank you for your welcome and your support. I am happy with the direction I'm taking but I think I many need help along the way.
Love,
Ciara

There is much power in that kind of honesty.  You are a strong woman.  I hope all goes well for you!

Quote from: My name is Chris on May 30, 2013, 01:29:35 AM
There is much power in that kind of honesty.  You are a strong woman.  I hope all goes well for you!

Hi Chris,
Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.
Love,
Ciara

Hi Ciara,

I missed your introduction. But I'm here now.

Well I have the same story as many. I went full time about a year ago after being hormonally reassigned and I was 58 at the time.  I work, have a high profile job and am married.

I worried terribly about what I was doing and the rejection and hate I may get, and the effect on my wife, who is disabled and needs special care.

I have recieved nothing but love and acceptance from my family and my work colleagues.

Nowadays I even have friends something he never had. He was a bit of a sad person trying to live a life in secret.

I understand your fears and concerns. I really do! I have been pleasantly surprised how tolerant people have been. I'm in South Australia and to be honest I get the odd look and the occasional comment but nothing I can't deal with.

But I have to qualify that by saying my self confidence and ego is pretty high. It doesn't take a brave person to confront me, it takes a crazy one

I hope you find ways of dealing with your dysmorphia and remember you are part of this family, we understand and we will try to help.

Hugs

Cindy

Hi Cindy,
Yes, I have serious concerns about ever coming out to anyone. Ciara may always remain a secret part of me but then, never say never.
I am in a very good place right now. I am happy with my decisions an the path I am taking. Ciara may not come out but she will be always in my heart and in my mind where it is most important.
Thank you for such kindness and support.
Love,
Ciara.

Hi and welcome from Boston! Glad you decided to join us. Hugs, Devlyn

Hi, welcome

I'm from the UK - I didn't know Ireland was so against transgendered people... that's sad. I'm glad you're in a happy place in life and that you have accepted the girl within you.

Quote from: Elle16 on May 31, 2013, 04:17:15 PM
Hi, welcome

I'm from the UK - I didn't know Ireland was so against transgendered people... that's sad. I'm glad you're in a happy place in life and that you have accepted the girl within you.

Hi,
Its not so much that people are against transgendered people. Its more that there is no acceptance and we are pushed to the margins. I thing it may go back to the influence of the church in past years.
Yes I have accepted the girl within me. She has made a big difference to my life.
Love,
Ciara.

Hi Ciara,
I somehow managed to miss out on your introduction so, rather belatedly, welcome aboard!
My own family being Irish, I can understand very well where you are coming from but I'm trying to educate them so maybe from a small beginning, we can create an unstoppable groundswell in favour of more open thinking on subjects like gender dysphoria...!
More seriously, I do understand your caution but hopefully you will nevertheless be able to move forward from your recent euraka moment and at minimum get recognition of who you really are from those who are closest to you.
Warm regards and best of luck.
Donna

Welcome Ciara,
         I have been enjoying your posted comments so far already!