Fear of rejection, fear of not passing and self-loathing was what kept me from transitioning for the longest time. In the end though things got so bad that it no longer mattered. I was going to do it, and if I failed I would resort to plan B. (I didn't really expect to survive transition but I did at least expect to experience a few moments of life as my true self).

Rejection turned out to be a very small problem. No-one rejected me as far as I can remember. The passing-business was a whole lot tougher but I did eventually succeed in that department as well.

Some people are very patient with their transition. They do hrt for a prolonged period before they go full-time. I did not. I went full-time right off the bat. I went as fast as I possibly could at all times. I raced through it all with hrt, ffs and srs all completed in just over 2 years after first coming out. Though it cut down my total transition time I think it actually did some damage to me. Misgendering was rampant and the feedback from the spectators was bleak to say the least. I had my inability to pass hammered into my head, and when the time came when I did in fact start to pass I had a very hard time believing it. I couldn't tell if I was delusional or not the times I had experiences that confirmed to me that I was passing. I'm thinking that if I had waited longer going full-time then perhaps I would have passed better off the bat and would have had an easier time believing in it. It took me quiet some time to be fully convinced.

For me transitioning was very hard, but not always exactly in the ways I expected. What I thought would be the most difficult was being able to look my friends, family and myself in the eye after coming clean. As it turned out this was the least of my worries. After having come out and gotten started I felt pretty good about myself and my situation. It was the long and arduous path to passing that made life difficult for me. You just need to have faith in yourself and give it the time and effort that it takes.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 27, 2013, 02:40:19 PM
Thanks everyone.  I have to transition and will do so, but I really don't want to be rejected by everyone and be unpassable.  I'm really hoping the hormones will work and help me (I'm under 25), but it's not a guarantee and hormones only do so much.   I can't help but feel sad that I'll never be like the other girls my age and will never be accepted amongst them.    It hurts to know I'll probably never meet a guy who could accept me.  And it hurts to know that almost everyone in general will see me as a delusional male.  Yes, I have the acceptance of my friends, but they are really cool and open people.  Not everyone is like them.  Yeah, I live in NY, but there are transphobic people here as well.  And I really don't know what my family will do or say.  There is really no guarantee that I won't be a society's reject. And while I have been told I will pass easily in time, I can't help but feel everyone that tells me that is just lying to me.  I'm not ugly, but I certainly don't look like a pretty girl and doubt I ever will.  I've been told I am handsome, but that means I look manly  and doesn't help me feel better.  If I don't ever pass, I really don't know how I could be happy. I respect those who were able to go through it all without passing, but it really saddens me to know I may never pass as female.  I'm just sick at looking at other girls my age and feeling jealous.  I wish I could be like any other girl my age and not worry about all of this.

Saaaay. I think you have a misunderstanding about the meaning of the verb "to know". You don't "know" what you believe. You only think you do when you're in a negative state of mind (or very positive). Where's your proof that you'll never be accepted? That no guy will accept you? Nowhere, isn't it? You're smarter than this. You know you're convincing yourself about your beliefs to feel miserable. I know how your feel: I've done the very same thing long enough. But that's also why I can tell you you're only hurting yourself and making your path more difficult.

Quote from: A on May 29, 2013, 08:25:07 AM
Saaaay. I think you have a misunderstanding about the meaning of the verb "to know". You don't "know" what you believe. You only think you do when you're in a negative state of mind (or very positive). Where's your proof that you'll never be accepted? That no guy will accept you? Nowhere, isn't it? You're smarter than this. You know you're convincing yourself about your beliefs to feel miserable. I know how your feel: I've done the very same thing long enough. But that's also why I can tell you you're only hurting yourself and making your path more difficult.

A, you're right.  I was having a bad weekend and spent a lot of time looking in the mirror and crying.  I think I can be way too hard on myself at times.  I'm still in the very beginning of things, so I shouldn't judge myself as harshly as I have been.  All in all my situation isn't that bad even though it's hard for me to see it that way.  I don't know if I'll ever be accepted by others, but I can't let fear of others dictate my life.

I still have huge problems with this.  It's kept me from dating since I transitioned.  Everyone is right confidence helps a lot, but some days it's just not there for me.

Quote from: Sadie on May 29, 2013, 10:29:56 AM
I still have huge problems with this.  It's kept me from dating since I transitioned.  Everyone is right confidence helps a lot, but some days it's just not there for me.

Well, I've never really dated throughout my life because it brings up too many issues.  I don't want to be a "boyfriend".  I'd like to start getting out, but I'm still not on hrt, so I think I should wait.  I don't want to be meet someone and be deceptive about my identity as I'm still really living in boy mode.  Who knows though, I'm sure there are bi guys out there who wouldn't mind my transition if they found out after we started dating.  But it's tough. 

Don't let confidence issues defeat you.  It's best to take things in stride.  While I was crying and feeling down a few days ago about my appearance, today I was having fun styling my hair and feeling pretty.  We all have our ups and downs.  Though, it's best to try to be as up as possible even if it's sometimes difficult.

That's the Spirit LTL

Quote from: learningtolive on May 29, 2013, 04:06:59 PM
Well, I've never really dated throughout my life because it brings up too many issues.  I don't want to be a "boyfriend".  I'd like to start getting out, but I'm still not on hrt, so I think I should wait.  I don't want to be meet someone and be deceptive about my identity as I'm still really living in boy mode.  Who knows though, I'm sure there are bi guys out there who wouldn't mind my transition if they found out after we started dating.  But it's tough. 

Don't let confidence issues defeat you.  It's best to take things in stride.  While I was crying and feeling down a few days ago about my appearance, today I was having fun styling my hair and feeling pretty.  We all have our ups and downs.  Though, it's best to try to be as up as possible even if it's sometimes difficult.

i can understand this worry. i know with guys i just tell them like its no big deal and make them comfortable which normally means sitting and eating. so far i have only had one guy say he didnt feel like dating me but the others were all ok thus far. well this football player is kind of a hommie G so i know he wont be so im not going to tell him in person. hes over the phone...and then im going to maybe dump him haha

Quote from: Tristan on May 29, 2013, 04:26:37 PM
i can understand this worry. i know with guys i just tell them like its no big deal and make them comfortable which normally means sitting and eating. so far i have only had one guy say he didnt feel like dating me but the others were all ok thus far. well this football player is kind of a hommie G so i know he wont be so im not going to tell him in person. hes over the phone...and then im going to maybe dump him haha

Yeah, if you worry about your safety telling him over the phone might be the best way.  It's better safe than sorry.   I've had plenty of negative experiences from jocks.  It wasn't uncommon for them to bully or  beat me up.  Because of all the past humiliation and bullying, I doubt I could ever go out with a stereotypical jock.  They're not all like that and I don't prejudge  individuals, but those past negative memories will always haunt me. 

Yeah jocks love to billy people. Even more so when they have secrecy crushes on you. To bad for him though. Little fact I'm still just as flexible as I was when I cheered. I still keep it up and can do a scorpion. Haha he missed out big time

Quote from: learningtolive on May 29, 2013, 10:15:42 AM
A, you're right.  I was having a bad weekend and spent a lot of time looking in the mirror and crying.  I think I can be way too hard on myself at times.  I'm still in the very beginning of things, so I shouldn't judge myself as harshly as I have been.  All in all my situation isn't that bad even though it's hard for me to see it that way.  I don't know if I'll ever be accepted by others, but I can't let fear of others dictate my life.

*Pat* Good girl. (Not laughing at you or putting your down, just my weird self trying to be funny and probably failing at it.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 29, 2013, 04:06:59 PM
Well, I've never really dated throughout my life because it brings up too many issues.  I don't want to be a "boyfriend".  I'd like to start getting out, but I'm still not on hrt, so I think I should wait.  I don't want to be meet someone and be deceptive about my identity as I'm still really living in boy mode.  Who knows though, I'm sure there are bi guys out there who wouldn't mind my transition if they found out after we started dating.  But it's tough.

I totally understand. It's because of that that I've only had two girlfriends, both trans and over the Internet. Because being a boyfriend would probably hurt much more than being alone. The affective side of my personality was completely locked up before I started transitioning, and is probably only starting to open up.

Hey Tristen, if you are worried about your safety and plan on breaking up with him anyways, I wouldn't even tell him. I would just break up with him and let that be the end of it.

Quote from: misschievous on May 30, 2013, 03:37:35 AM
Hey Tristen, if you are worried about your safety and plan on breaking up with him anyways, I wouldn't even tell him. I would just break up with him and let that be the end of it.

you know your right. why should i even tell him. i already know he is quite homophobic. and since he is a O.G. trans or gay is all the same to him. i dont think i will tell him. i have to be extra careful until the fall anyways and he wont be at our only other shoot. thank you for that tip. i cant believe i didnt even think about that.

With how critical I am of my self, what others can say or do is very mild in comparison, so its not such a big deal to me anymore. When I'm at work or out somewhere, I've gotten to where I don't even think about it unless a guy hits on me.

Renee i like your style. its a great way to drop the fear away

Quote from: Tristan on May 30, 2013, 08:26:41 AM
you know your right. why should i even tell him. i already know he is quite homophobic. and since he is a O.G. trans or gay is all the same to him. i dont think i will tell him. i have to be extra careful until the fall anyways and he wont be at our only other shoot. thank you for that tip. i cant believe i didnt even think about that.

I was going to say something, but miss beat me to it. I wouldn't share anything about trans stuff unless you plan on spending your life with them, and then I'd still wait for a while.

next time you are thinking about telling someone, ask yourself "what would this person think?" or do, than trust worst case scenario for safety, you try to see good in everything to the fault of putting yourself in danger. I am the same and time has taught me that 70-80% of the population are not supportive. so going with the worse case scenario is always the best bet. until you know more anyway

yeah your probably right. i guess telling people can be really dangerous

Quote from: calico on May 30, 2013, 07:29:56 PM
I was going to say something, but miss beat me to it. I wouldn't share anything about trans stuff unless you plan on spending your life with them, and then I'd still wait for a while.

next time you are thinking about telling someone, ask yourself "what would this person think?" or do, than trust worst case scenario for safety, you try to see good in everything to the fault of putting yourself in danger. I am the same and time has taught me that 70-80% of the population are not supportive. so going with the worse case scenario is always the best bet. until you know more anyway

Should have let you say it to begin with. That was exactly what I was thinking. I just didn't word it as well.

I think it depends on where you live and what area of the city. There are definitely certain areas that are much more supportive.

Like LA for example. In places like Santa Monica, Venice, the Palisades, Marina del Rey, Westwood, Beverly Hills, Culver City, West Hollywood, Hollywood, Silverlake, and Echo Park, I really wouldn't be worried at all telling ANYONE. But then I think about places like where I live in mid city (not as rich of a neighborhood), inglewood, and slummy areas around downtown I would go as stealth as possible.

It just depends on where you are. Most random people that I've told in the "safe" areas I mentioned are STOKED about it. I mean I really haven't had a single negative interaction to the smallest degree. And in the unsafe areas, I am extremely careful.

I feel the same way about San Francisco, like there are even more safe areas. I mean when I went there for my trach shave I was staying with a friend in a not so hot area. After meeting some people at the local walgreens getting my meds and obviously looking trans as HECK, I wasn't at all worried about being labelled as anything but just another person.

Quote from: Jennygirl on May 31, 2013, 05:01:37 AM
Like LA for example. In places like Santa Monica, Venice, the Palisades, Marina del Rey, Westwood, Beverly Hills, Culver City, West Hollywood, Hollywood, Silverlake, and Echo Park, I really wouldn't be worried at all telling ANYONE. But then I think about places like where I live in mid city (not as rich of a neighborhood), inglewood, and slummy areas around downtown I would go as stealth as possible.

I do agree its been the poorer areas that seem to go hand in hand with a higher I-could-have-a-problem-here potential.  Of course, these are also not so great spots for a woman to be alone either.

In the context of a relationship... That's tough.  I could see if the news wasn't shared at the start the subject becoming harder and harder to broach well.

Misato and Jennygirl your both so right. there are def more areas in the poor sides to have that fear in regards to not passing , rejection or being outed. i know in those types of areas om always extra careful myself. thugs especially seem to freak out that are of my darker complexion if you know what i mean.