So, I wanted to know how many of you have experience with coming out while living with family (in particular your parents).  I am still living at home and will be transitioning there if all goes well.  While I would like my own place, finances don't allow me to do so (believe me, I have tried).  So, I will have to tell my family soon because once I start hormones and laser there will be no hiding.  Since I am dependent on my mom for shelter, I need her acceptance so that she doesn't prevent me from transitioning under her roof.  I am probably over thinking everything and everyone that knows about me (all my friends, people at my support group, etc...)have been begging me to come out.  Still, I want to do this right and need time to process things and gain courage.  But I can only continue to hide this for a little longer.

So what was your experience? How did you come out?  How did they react? If they reacted badly, how did you continue to transition while living at home?  What suggestions do you have to make coming out easier for those who need their parents for shelter. 

If you began hormones before telling them, how did they react?  Everyone is telling me this is the wrong thing to do and I should tell them beforehand.  Yet, I really just want to start soon and not hold myself back until I have the courage to come out.y

Any tips and or suggestions would also be appreciated. Thanks.

P.S. Sorry for all the questions and for the fact that I am a big fraidy cat.

You are in your early 20s right? Therefore, you do not have to tell them. You seem like you really want to and I'm all for people being happy. You should be able to hide the changes for months and months as well. How are your parents? How do they react to LGBT issues? The strange thing for me is that my mom is all in a tizzy over it sometimes and other times she tells me to become a vegan to help the HRT. My dad has actually become a lot nicer to me and even talks to me now whereas before he really didn't.

I still live at home with my parents.

It took me a little over three months to actually bring myself to come out to my mother. Partially because I wasn't ready, but also because she was really stressed with her job and her injuries at the time, and I figured that if the conversation was anywhere near as difficult for her as would be for me, then I needed to catch her when she wasn't busy/tired/stressed/upset. I told her that I needed to talk, and asked that we go somewhere private where we could both sit down. She asked if this was about school, and I told her no, it was about me.

The thing to keep in mind here is that I have always be close with my mother. Ever since I was eleven, I have suffered from depression. She also suffers from depression, and as she was the one who searched for therapists for me when I was younger, dealt with me when I was at my wit's end, etc., I've always been able to confide in her about things that are bothering me. As such, I considered her relatively safe to talk to.

When I sat down in the den, I found myself extremely nervous, and I kept starting and stopping, fumbling my words. At that point, she told me she was listening, and that if it would help, to know that she would always love me no matter what. While I sincerely doubted she would disown me, it was nevertheless comforting to hear that. I then told her that I had reason to believe I was transgender, that I've felt this way since puberty yet didn't want to put the pieces together, and that last October I realized I was in denial. I told her about how I felt about myself and my environment. About how I've felt out of place, and for some reason always found it easier to identify with women. She asked if I had ever cross-dressed, and if I had ever spoken to anyone about this before. So on and so forth.

What seemed to take me by surprise was her apparent lack thereof. Turns out, ever since I was young, she had suspected in the back of her mind that I was gay. Something about my mannerism, the fact that I acted different from other boys, even at a young age, gaydar, etc.. She mentioned that she had told a friend of hers whose teenage son claimed he was gay that "he may not simply be acting out to spite her, and that she needed to accept the fact that her son may in fact be gay;" that she could not in good conscience give her friend that advice if she were not willing to accept it herself. She even said that she'd accept whatever partner I brought home. I then had to remind her that I'm still attracted to women, and that sex really isn't a major source of dysphoria for me. Social roles and my appearance are far bigger problems. I guess she expect one sort of coming out and got another. : P

Anyway, she admitted she was familiar with the nuances of transgender, but is willing to learn; and that if I need therapy, then we'll find me a therapist, and if it turns out I need to transition, then she will gladly accept me as a daughter. She did mention that she was worried, because "I have a hard life in front of me," and that unfortunately, some people may never accept me as a result. Nevertheless, she loves me and is supportive.

I also asked about how should I approach my father about this, as I'm not sure how to do so. I don't think he'd disown me either, but I am afraid the news might not go over well, as I know some parents go through a grieving stage following a coming out. She offered to talk to him for me about.

Sorry, you probably didn't need the whole narrative. -_-'
Anyway, you know your parents better than any of us do. What is your relationship with them like? Any reason to believe they will or won't act in a certain way? I will say give yourself some time until you are ready, and try to approach them when you think they will be most receptive. How might you approach them if you had a different sort of personal problem? I can't tell you about starting transition before coming out, as I'm yet to start. The fact is, I'm scared to do anything drastic before I've had a chance to talk to a therapist, just to make sure transition is really what I want. In fact, I'm terrified of the whole process. As such, I can't blame you for being a fraidy cat, as I'm just as bad. I'm scared of, well, everything. Seriously.

I hope this helps, and I hope everything goes well.

well for me i was changing cloths at my neighbors house and we got home from school and were in the living room waiting on my sister like i was told to do (shes older so she got home 45 minutes later) and my mom came home early and caught me. not the best way for a mom to catch her 8 year old but it went kind of ok with her. she didnt freak out just said its not appropriate and let my dad do the scolding when he got home. so they decided to both once again look the other way and let me be me as long as i kept it to dressing for my my age. (more so since my dad was deployed alot and my mom was always at work and didnt have to see me). it wasnt until 10-11 that they decided to deal with me and that issue. all in all not bad. it gave them time to adjust and try to figure out how to handle me. i would think if you eased your mom into it as well it might go well? depending on how she feels about you the situation and her personal beliefs.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on May 09, 2013, 12:55:01 AM
You are in your early 20s right? Therefore, you do not have to tell them. You seem like you really want to and I'm all for people being happy. You should be able to hide the changes for months and months as well. How are your parents? How do they react to LGBT issues? The strange thing for me is that my mom is all in a tizzy over it sometimes and other times she tells me to become a vegan to help the HRT. My dad has actually become a lot nicer to me and even talks to me now whereas before he really didn't.

I don't have to tell my mom, but I really want to start hormones and laser soon.  It is killing me to have to present as a man and something has to give.  Yet, I can't imagine starting the process without them finding out.  I suppose that I could continue and hide it until I'm ready to come out, but I have been told that might not be possible. Also, my friends and people at my support group are telling me I should come out beforehand.  And my one friend who has transitioned has told me that there is no way that I will be able to hide it.  She is very pro me coming out and warns that I will hurt my mother too much by continuing to hide it. I just don't know what to do. 

My mother is neutral on lgbt issues, but has become more supportive lately.  This is mainly because everyone suspects that I 'm gay.   My dad is a whole other story, though I don't live with him so it's not as bad. 

Quote from: JenSquid on May 09, 2013, 05:34:44 AM
Sorry, you probably didn't need the whole narrative. -_-'
Anyway, you know your parents better than any of us do. What is your relationship with them like? Any reason to believe they will or won't act in a certain way? I will say give yourself some time until you are ready, and try to approach them when you think they will be most receptive. How might you approach them if you had a different sort of personal problem? I can't tell you about starting transition before coming out, as I'm yet to start. The fact is, I'm scared to do anything drastic before I've had a chance to talk to a therapist, just to make sure transition is really what I want. In fact, I'm terrified of the whole process. As such, I can't blame you for being a fraidy cat, as I'm just as bad. I'm scared of, well, everything. Seriously.

I hope this helps, and I hope everything goes well.

Thank you for sharing.  I am very close with my mom.  I would consider her one of my best friends.  She really means the world to me.  I doubt she would hate me or anything, but I do know that she would prevent me from transitioning  as much as I can.  Since, I would be under her roof, I need to watch out for that.  Maybe I will start hormones first and then tell her once I am comfortable.  Still, I have to go through the whole long process.  So, I guess I have time anyway before I start.  Though if my therapist acts like a gatekeeper I will just go to callen-lorde.

Quote from: Tristan on May 09, 2013, 07:26:31 AM
well for me i was changing cloths at my neighbors house and we got home from school and were in the living room waiting on my sister like i was told to do (shes older so she got home 45 minutes later) and my mom came home early and caught me. not the best way for a mom to catch her 8 year old but it went kind of ok with her. she didnt freak out just said its not appropriate and let my dad do the scolding when he got home. so they decided to both once again look the other way and let me be me as long as i kept it to dressing for my my age. (more so since my dad was deployed alot and my mom was always at work and didnt have to see me). it wasnt until 10-11 that they decided to deal with me and that issue. all in all not bad. it gave them time to adjust and try to figure out how to handle me. i would think if you eased your mom into it as well it might go well? depending on how she feels about you the situation and her personal beliefs.

I would occasionally dress up with my sister when I was younger.  She never really had a problem and so it as kids having fun.  They still like reminding me of the time I put on my sisters ballerina costume and ran around the house declaring that I was a fairy princess.  So, like your parents, I don't think everything would be a complete total shock.  Plus, my mom knows I have body issues and always said she notices that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.  I have always told her how I hate having body hair and being called handsome.  Hell, I even used to walk around the house with a hair band when my hair was longer.  So, I think there has been years of easing. Sometimes I think maybe she knows, but i think she thinks I am just a shy gay man.  Therefore, I do believe it will be a left field thing for her.  I just don't want to hurt her because she means a lot to me.  But at the same time, I have to start or else I will begin to fall into a very deep depression from my GID.

in that case i would tell her. i would take her out to eat somewhere chill or go for like a walk in the park and tell her. it sounds like you are in a same or similar boat i was i. she will be cool more or less because she already knows. your dad will probably be mad, calm down and then chill out and be ok with it. my dad was really bad at first. but calmed down and is now my biggest cheerleader. we have a great relationship.

Quote from: Tristan on May 09, 2013, 12:03:19 PM
in that case i would tell her. i would take her out to eat somewhere chill or go for like a walk in the park and tell her. it sounds like you are in a same or similar boat i was i. she will be cool more or less because she already knows. your dad will probably be mad, calm down and then chill out and be ok with it. my dad was really bad at first. but calmed down and is now my biggest cheerleader. we have a great relationship.

Thanks Tristan.  I know I will have to tell her soon, but have to get over the fear.  Yet, I can't wait any longer to start everything.  So, I think I am going to have to hide some things in the beginning.  Still, I will keep working on getting the courage to come out.  It probably won't be as bad as I imagine.

it is scary. i also had that fear  and did not want to disappoint but normally they already know something is up. after all they did carry us and take care of us as babies and toddlers

Quote from: learningtolive on May 09, 2013, 09:29:32 PM
It probably won't be as bad as I imagine.

That was my experience. I went in expecting I would upset her, that there'd be shouting or tears, yet I found concern and sympathy instead. I have a bad tendency to make myself miserable dreading things, only for them to then turn out less awful than I expected. Hopefully it goes as well for you as it did for me.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 01, 2013, 11:18:41 AM
I just had an awful dinner. I seem to be developing an eating disorder, i have no appetite whatsoever since i came out to my therapist. My mother ONCE AGAIN eyed me all through dinner and first asked me if i'm taking any pills to kill my appetite, to which i of course replied "No." and then asked me "You TELL ME NOW, what is going on with you? Talk to me. That's not the "MY NAME" i know." To which i said: "I don't wanna...yet."  After a rather small meal she started guessing and i always smiled and said "No, that's not it." or "Nope!". I'm supposed to watch a movie together with my brother, but i don't want to come out to them yet, especially my brother.

I'm so sorry. Parents can be cruel and un caring at times. But you need to go see someone Monday about possibly having an eating disorder. Trust me you don't want one as it becomes very hard to stop and stays with you. If you need to talk pm me

Your mother is not bluffing. If you don't eat they will put you in a hospital and if your under weight you have to stay for quite a while. Trust me it's no fun at all. You need to start eating even if its only a little. Of drinking a resource . Which would be like a boost. You could tell your therapist or someone at a body image center Monday. I'm not sure where you live but you need to start addressing this immediately. Because it gets out of trouble really fast. If you don't want to tell your mom right away that's ok. But you need to tell a therapist or someone like that. Eating disorders normally are started by us to compensate for a problem. This spirals out of control fast and will consume your life. And don't forget that the mortality rate for anorexics is high. You don't want to be labeled a anorexic the recovery is long and crapy

Start Me Up, once you start me up, i'll never stop, never stop, never stop.

Hey CalmRage,

I know what it's like to temper one's eating habits due to emotional strain.  But, you really can't starve yourself.  If the dysphoria is bad, then try to deal with it; however, creating another problem in it's place is only going to make things worse.  I know it's hard to come out to one's family, I'm struggling myself, but things aren't as bad they seem.  Your mom seems concerned and I'm sure she loves you.  Whatever you do, don't take things out on yourself.  It's not a good road to go down.  I'm wishing you all the best.

By the way, Deep purple is great.  I heart Ritchie Blackmore, especially his early work with Rainbow.  One of the most underrated guitar players nowadays.  Try Blackmore's Night for some good calm relaxing music. 

As long as you are eating and getting enough fluids then things should be okay. But you need more than a 1200 calories a day to stay out of the hospital. And by more I mean food more substantial than a can of crisps. I don't want to encourage eating disorder but to keep yourself from the emergency room right now make sure that you are drinking water and getting enough potassium.

If your goal is weight loss/body image then you need to see a doctor to help you balance it out. And you will need support.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 01, 2013, 01:26:43 PM

Anyone know any good female guitarists?

My next appointment with my psychologist will be soon (Aspergers Syndrome). I'll try to work up the courage to speak with her.

Thanks for the kind words.

I doubt they qualify as good but I have enjoyed The Donnas. Then there is Courtney Love. Yeah there's some out there

Quote from: CalmRage on June 01, 2013, 01:26:43 PM
That is one person one can only hate as a person, yet at the same time admire for following his dreams of being a modern ministrel. No matter what the fans say (including me), Blackers can not be persuaded to return to playing Hard Rock.  I took up the guitar because of his playing on In Rock and Live in London and remember thinking "I want to do that too.". My first guitar playing style sounded like a bad copy. Nowadays i sound like a mixture between:

Blackmore
Hendrix &
Zappa

(if i could i would play a little like Vai)

Anyone know any good female guitarists?

My next appointment with my psychologist will be soon (Aspergers Syndrome). I'll try to work up the courage to speak with her.

Thanks for the kind words.

I don't want blackmore to return to rock.  I like that he does his own thing without any pressure.  Plus, I've always appreciated his love for classical and baroque music.  Still, it would have been nice to have seen a rainbow reunion with Dio and Cozy Powell before they passed. 

Vai is great, but it's insanely difficult to play his stuff. I grew up trying to play stuff like that and Yngwie Malmsteen, Jason Becker, and John Petrucci.  At a certain point I just threw my hands in the air. I've had tendinitis I couple times before, I don't have it in me to keep up with them. 

Zappa was a visionary in his own world.  I loved his playing.  It's a shame he is forgotten by many.

There are some great female guitar players, though they tend not to be in the realm of rock/metal.  I can tell you some very talented female classical guitar players.  Lately, I have switched to classical myself, but I still play around with my sg.

Good that you're going to speak with your therapist.  That's a smart move.  For now, just relax and take it easy.  Enjoy some of that good music.  I'm sure it will make you feel better until your next session.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 01, 2013, 01:26:43 PM
Anyone know any good female guitarists?

IIRC Kaki King is listed among the top 10 on Rolling Stone's guitarist hall of fame...

So I technically live at school but if coming out had gone poorly I would've been suddenly looking at paying for college on my own, having no insurance, and trying to transition. For the short version of what I am about to say I have found that research and knowledge can sometimes be your best friend.

Okay, so I came out to one of my friends, and 3 fraternity brothers (two being alumni) first. To be honest I did this because I thought I'd have the highest chances of success because all three brothers are gay, and my friend's mom is a lesbian. When it came to my parents I had planned on a divide and conquer strategy, and yes that was planned in the past tense. So my plan was to get my mom to come out and see me at school, and it was hard to get her alone because my parents knew that I had been unhappy and struggling with school for the past couple of weeks. I wasn't able to hide that from them. I did get her to come out alone however so part one of my plan worked. Now to give a little bit of background on my mom, she worked in pharmaceutical sales for like 20 years, and has a degree in biology so she knows a lot of different medical stuff, and she is decently familiar with the GLB crowd (though still has a lot of misconceptions) and is all around pretty open person.

Now my first mistake was that I thought she handled the part about me having dysphoria really well so I told her too much. I found that talking about hormones and transitioning was probably mot something I should have brought up after having just come out. Also my toenails were painted at the time, and the jury is still out on the net effect of that one. So she was pretty devastated and said some pretty hurtful things (out of ignorance) but I was prepared for the "I feel like my son is dead" comment. I hear that's a common reaction among parents. So I spent the whole week with her teaching her terms and answering questions. Now we agreed that the following week she would come out to visit me with my dad so that I could tell my dad in person. Well my mom outed me in less than 24 hours. I was angry at first but realized that it was unreasonable of me to expect her to not be able to tell my dad. Now my dad on the other hand has been really quiet and I think he's really sad but he hasn't really said anything.

What I've found is that being firm in what I feel is necessary for me has helped a lot with bringing my parents closer to accepting me. Since I've come out it's largely turned into a situation where my mom comes up with possible reasons for why I am not a transsexual and I have to find verifiable evidence to disprove those reasons. I think my parents are still very sad but because they can see that I am suffering and because I can keep on top of things and I'm doing my best to be well informed I am slowly convincing my parents that it is necessary for me to at least try HRT. What I will say is that things still got pretty difficult a times but my parents never stopped loving me.

What I will say is that I ended up going home for a week and I found that one of the most difficult things that was that my parents tended to come to my room and often wanted to talk to me and I felt cornered when they did so. It was very uncomfortable position and put me in no mood to talk, if that happens you might want to think about letting them know. The rest of the time they really wanted to pretend that everything was normal.

Obviously coming out is different for everybody but yeah, know your stuff, be confident, and don't overdue it. Give your folks some time after you tell them what you're feeling.

Edit: I should also note that I took my parents completely by surprise because I am very open about liking women, went to a military high school, and I am an eagle scout.

Wow. It sounds like you girls have had a tough week. At first parents tend to really freak out. I hope they chill out soon. You just never really know how people will react sometimes

Fr what I was told you don't have to have them. After all not all girls act like the same school girl from the movies. If your female well then your female. That part is easy, your hobbies, others interest and who you are gender aside that's the harder part. But as you will find out about being in this group you will actually be able to find out who you are. Which is something many average people go there whole lives without ever figuring it out.