Hey CalmRage, so when I first came out to myself I had a lot of trouble eating and it was mainly due to stress. I would feel hungry but couldn't decided on what I wanted and then when I did eat I would feel sick. That passed in time but for me it had a lot to do with having to accept myself and learning to think in a more productive way for myself. I don't really know if this helps at all, but like now when I go to exercise and I try to eat healthy I just think to myself that it will make me a prettier girl when I start HRT.

I know it's hard when you really don't like the way that your body looks, I hate my facial hair and my head hair isn't nearly long or thick enough right now. I'm overweight still. The worst part for me is that I feel disgusted with myself when I touch my genitals for any reason. It does suck for sure. I will say this though, talking with my therapist has helped me articulate what I am feeling so much better than before because he forces me to expand on what I'm feeling and find ways to explain it.

As far as what kind of girl I am well I'll admit it, I am for the most part a very girly girl but that won't stop me from swearing like a sailor. Before I came out though I did 0 things that were considered feminine. The point is though, like Tristan said if your female, you're female. So maybe you're a tom boy but your still female if you're female.

Edit: Yes I have mood swings, though always in the downward direction. I will go from being normal to just laying on the couch not being able work up the motivation to do anything and feeling really sad.

My mom is still concerned but basically for breakfast I eat a cinnamon raisin bagel with non-fat cream cheese, and a glass of orange juice. Lunch varies but it's nothing big. Dinner: a weight watcher or lean cuisine meal and then I'll snack on strawberries and carrots when I get hungry in between. Also I randomly drink fat free milk, and will often have another bagel at random times in the day. It's still pretty sparse and I wish there was more meat involved but it's get me through the day without problems.

With what you've got there, you need more. There's no way around it, but that's not healthy. You're body needs nutrients I know you hate it, but you need to find some way to get what you need. Whether that's overcoming what you're feeling or just eating small quantities a lot.

Yeah that's not good either, but starving your self can cause a lot health problems just like being overweight can.

gah, cake is bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Go get some fruit or vegetables!

I'm not sure what the rules are where you live but where I live your therapist can't give out confidential information unless you give them permission to do so. Honestly I'm sure that your therapist can help you, the worst that could happen is that they tell you they can't and you find a new one.

The bad part is that therapist just so happens to be someone i've known for years and who helped me in school because of my Aspergers. He's not a normal therapist, he's specializing in autistic people.

I'm going to come out as soon as i've actually worn female attire. (Try doing that without getting caught)

Edit: My mother just cried and asked me: What the hell is wrong with you? You've been behaving strange for the last few days. We're all worried. I felt really sorry for her and told her i'll tell her in a few days (unlikely) or in a few weeks (which is likelier).

Why does it seem like my mother knows? Her choice of words was rather strange.

Sara,

I know it's hard to go through all this, but try to help ease your mom's concerns.  She loves you and doesn't want to see you suffer.  That doesn't mean you have to come out yet, but you could try to eat and let her know you are okay.  You will be okay and will get through this.  For now, try to keep healthy and maintain a positive dialogue with your mom.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 03, 2013, 03:07:30 PM
Sara,

I know it's hard to go through all this, but try to help ease your mom's concerns.  She loves you and doesn't want to see you suffer.  That doesn't mean you have to come out yet, but you could try to eat and let her know you are okay.  You will be okay and will get through this.  For now, try to keep healthy and maintain a positive dialogue with your mom.

I'm trying. I can't stand seeing her cry. She has enough problems as is at the moment. She has to care for a family member who has just been in a motorcycle accident and will not be able to walk for some time.

She seems like she will be ok with you being transsexual . I would just tell her now so she can stop being so scared and worried

Quote from: CalmRage on June 03, 2013, 03:09:43 PM
I'm trying. I can't stand seeing her cry. She has enough problems as is at the moment. She has to care for a family member who has just been in a motorcycle accident and will not be able to walk for some time.

If you see her crying, give her a big hug and tell her you love her.  She'll appreciate that.

Quote from: Tristan on June 03, 2013, 03:18:07 PM
She seems like she will be ok with you being transsexual . I would just tell her now so she can stop being so scared and worried

I agree with Tristan.  You don't want to prolong her concerns.  She seems to really love you and sounds genuinely interested in helping you through this.

Tomorrow maybe. It's getting late in Germany.

One weird thing that happened two or three days ago:

My mom: My, look how long your hair has gotten

And i thought: You don't say?

Somehow i managed to become obsessed with licking my lips since coming out to my therapist. Now my mother wants me to use some kind of skin cream on them. I was actually hoping for lip balm   

Edit: My cousin just visited us. She told me that if there is anything i want to talk about, i can always call her. She promised that whatever i'll tell her, she will not tell anyone. I'm thinking of coming out to her. We have always been close.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 04, 2013, 10:34:29 AM
Somehow i managed to become obsessed with licking my lips since coming out to my therapist. Now my mother wants me to use some kind of skin cream on them. I was actually hoping for lip balm   

Edit: My cousin just visited us. She told me that if there is anything i want to talk about, i can always call her. She promised that whatever i'll tell her, she will not tell anyone. I'm thinking of coming out to her. We have always been close.

If you feel comfortable telling her, go for it!  I wish you the best of luck

Quote from: learningtolive on June 04, 2013, 11:30:02 PM
If you feel comfortable telling her, go for it!  I wish you the best of luck

I was going to write a letter to my mother (about this in general) and my therapist (in detail as compared to the brief talk last week) (i thought about it while sitting in class), then i got unsure again, then i got sure again,

the torture,
the torture,
the torture never stops.

As much as a I love Zoot Allures, the torture never stops is a song with fictional lyrics.  There is no evil prince torturing you.  You are the one torturing yourself.  IF you aren't ready to tell family, please at least tell your therapist.  They won't judge.  They are there to help.  The torture can stop if you try to break through.  You can do this

I'm only glad i'm beginning to embrace feminine things and am jealous of the girls at our school in the city for leading a girl life.

For a while i was so afraid of feminine things (because i desperately didn't want to be confronted), that i even stopped drinking Energy Drinks because some douchebag told me it makes one grow breasts.

Right now, i can actually imagine having breasts. In fact, the thing i am most sure about, which shows me this is completely real, is that i know i don't want to live as a male forever and am afraid of it.

Someone calling me Sara soothes my soul a bit. I actually felt awkward writing my birthname in a test today. Yesterday, as long as i didn't look at my body too much, i felt quite a bit more like a woman than before. Right now i can't stand looking at my paws. I avoid looking at my hands.

And my mother wants me to see my psychologist. I didn't tell her yet but she asked me if i wanted to talk to my psychologist.