Quote from: CalmRage on June 05, 2013, 10:45:49 AM
I'm only glad i'm beginning to embrace feminine things and am jealous of the girls at our school in the city for leading a girl life.

For a while i was so afraid of feminine things (because i desperately didn't want to be confronted), that i even stopped drinking Energy Drinks because some douchebag told me it makes one grow breasts.

Right now, i can actually imagine having breasts. In fact, the thing i am most sure about, which shows me this is completely real, is that i know i don't want to live as a male forever and am afraid of it.

Someone calling me Sara soothes my soul a bit. I actually felt awkward writing my birthname in a test today. Yesterday, as long as i didn't look at my body too much, i felt quite a bit more like a woman than before. Right now i can't stand looking at my paws. I avoid looking at my hands.

One of the first things that I noticed was that I felt really uncomfortable checking male on any forms.

Quote from: Naomi on June 05, 2013, 12:56:46 PM
One of the first things that I noticed was that I felt really uncomfortable checking male on any forms.

it's like male me is slowly fading away at the moment. I find myself actually wishing for girly things. I have a plan on how to try on female clothes (hopefully come around to it soon):

Wait when mom is out of the house
Go to take a shower
but before
Try something on
Put it on back on the pile and deliberately carelessly toss the used towel on the pile after the shower

I don't see myself anymore when hearing my name. While i never hated it and never really will (it has a cool backstory) i obviously do want to change it one day.
Right now i'm in an awkward period where one day i refer to myself as Sara, and the other as nothing.

My mood swings make me sick. Imagine this:

Hour 1: You know it is real but somehow you are all confused. You ask yourself if it's self-delusion but you know it's not.
Hour 2: You feel like a (very tomboyish) girl  and you want to change and you know you'll never be happy as a man. You feel jealous and hate that you missed out and are missing out on so many things. You're feeling guilty and jealous because you don't feel all too typically girly, even though you want to be one.
Hour 3: You feel nothing at all
Hour 4: Weird uplifting mood
Hour 5: Nothing
Hour 6: Your mind feels clouded.

It's all confusing.

Right now i'm trying to make myself cry. Usually i'm quick to cry but i haven't cried in weeks, which doesn't help. I'm listening to some music which almost always gets me emotional, but somehow doesn't this time around. It does not help with the tension.

Edit: I looked at myself in the mirror. Where do i belong? I'm ugly in every possible way and can't imagine me not being ugly.

I would suggest you try not to cry and get yourself emotional.  That may be counter productive.  For now, just relax and place your mind somewhere peaceful.  Listen to some of that great music you're into and focus on positive thoughts.  You can address this once you see your therapist.  There is no need to work yourself up into a frenzy in the meantime.  Everything will be okay.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 05, 2013, 04:21:34 PM
I would suggest you try not to cry and get yourself emotional.  That may be counter productive.  For now, just relax and place your mind somewhere peaceful.  Listen to some of that great music you're into and focus on positive thoughts.  You can address this once you see your therapist.  There is no need to work yourself up into a frenzy in the meantime.  Everything will be okay.

My mother just told me my psychologist's appointment is tomorrow at 1pm.

I am so confused at the moment but i can't see myself living as a man forever.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 06, 2013, 10:40:45 AM
My mother just told me my psychologist's appointment is tomorrow at 1pm.

I am so confused at the moment but i can't see myself living as a man forever.

That's great!  You will be able to address this very soon.  No need to worry about the far future.  Just concern yourself with today for the moment. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 06, 2013, 10:54:31 AM
That's great!  You will be able to address this very soon.  No need to worry about the far future.  Just concern yourself with today for the moment.

Yesterday i wanted to harm myself. Didn't do anything though.

Suicide however, no one needs to worry about. I don't want my family to get sad.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 06, 2013, 10:56:42 AM
Yesterday i wanted to harm myself. Didn't do anything though.

Suicide however, no one needs to worry about. I don't want my family to get sad.

That's good.  Self harm is a bad way to deal with a temporary problem.  There are so many great ways to deal with these issues.  I hope you will keep this in mind whenever you feel that way. 

Occasionally i see a cis-girl and think "hmm, wouldn't mind looking at least a bit like that and wearing that".

Wrote something i'll give to my psychologist tomorrow. However i think i may refuse to talk tomorrow. I have constant mood swings that confuse me. I'm sure of something and the next moment, i'm not. My mood swing happened while i was looking at a picture of Bob Dylan that i have seen before. Didn't react that way then. I mean what i write but i feel i'm going insane. Male bodies look really disgusting too. I have to go through this all or i'll never be happy, despite all doubts.

My face is hideous. And my body...i don't like it. Sometimes i feel like puking while looking at it and other times i just go....doesn't look good.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 06, 2013, 01:52:31 PM
Wrote something i'll give to my psychologist tomorrow. However i think i may refuse to talk tomorrow. I have constant mood swings that confuse me. I'm sure of something and the next moment, i'm not. My mood swing happened while i was looking at a picture of Bob Dylan that i have seen before. Didn't react that way then. I mean what i write but i feel i'm going insane. Male bodies look really disgusting too. I have to go through this all or i'll never be happy, despite all doubts.

Even if your thoughts fluctuate, it doesn't hurt to tell you doctor.  The more information you provide, the better they can help.

As for male bodies looking disgusting, well, I fundamentally disagree 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 06, 2013, 03:48:25 PM
Even if your thoughts fluctuate, it doesn't hurt to tell you doctor.  The more information you provide, the better they can help.

As for male bodies looking disgusting, well, I fundamentally disagree 

Have to find a way to take my written text with me, i'll be trying not to run away after giving her the text.

You can write it on your phone or on a small piece of paper and put in your pocket.  There are many different ways.  Don't worry about running away.  Therapists are there to help, not judge or criticize. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 06, 2013, 04:05:33 PM
You can write it on your phone or on a small piece of paper and put in your pocket.  There are many different ways.  Don't worry about running away.  Therapists are there to help, not judge or criticize.

that psychologist knows me longer than my therapist does. She also put me on anti-depressants, but then again, i was very depressed because of family matters too. What if she says i'll always be a boy? I'm worried and nervous and i have nothing to write on in my room i think. I already have a coming-out poem in english in my wallet and it was written the day i joined here. Guess i'll have to be courageous.

But with the amount of worrying i actually grow a lot surer. I can't imagine what i'd look like on treatment, but i want it more and more and hope to talk to my psychologist about everything, but i'm nervous. I haven't even worn female clothing but somehow i just know, but is that enough?

Quote from: CalmRage on June 06, 2013, 04:11:24 PM
that psychologist knows me longer than my therapist does. She also put me on anti-depressants, but then again, i was very depressed because of family matters too. What if she says i'll always be a boy? I'm worried and nervous and i have nothing to write on in my room i think. I already have a coming-out poem in english in my wallet and it was written the day i joined here. Guess i'll have to be courageous.

But with the amount of worrying i actually grow a lot surer. I can't imagine what i'd look like on treatment, but i want it more and more and hope to talk to my psychologist about everything, but i'm nervous. I haven't even worn female clothing but somehow i just know, but is that enough?

Before worrying about the what ifs, try to give your doctor the benefit of the doubt and talk to them.  Just be honest and tell them what you feel.  And explain why you feel the way you do.   There is nothing to worry about.  After you hear what they have to say, you can judge whether you would be better served visiting a different medical professional.  I visit my therapist in boys clothes because I can't leave the house dressed due to me being in the closet with my family.  She is understanding about this and is trying to guide me to come out and gain more acceptance. Any therapist that is worth it will understand that gender is a complex issue and that there are difficulties involved. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 06, 2013, 04:18:31 PM
Before worrying about the what ifs, try to give your doctor the benefit of the doubt and talk to them.  Just be honest and tell them what you feel.  And explain why you feel the way you do.   There is nothing to worry about.  After you hear what they have to say, you can judge whether you would be better served visiting a different medical professional.  I visit my therapist in boys clothes because I can't leave the house dressed due to me being in the closet with my family.  She is understanding about this and is trying to guide me to come out and gain more acceptance. Any therapist that is worth it will understand that gender is a complex issue and that there are difficulties involved.

The only people who know are:

my best friend (he knows everything)
my therapist (he knows some)

Why do i sometimes find very feminine things repulsive and unimaginable for myself and then imaginable?

I know how i feel inside, is this just some sort of internal transphobia?

Have you looked into what's called gender fluid? When you tell your therapist what's going on you might want to ask bout that.

Quote from: Naomi on June 07, 2013, 10:46:56 AM
Have you looked into what's called gender fluid? When you tell your therapist what's going on you might want to ask bout that.

I can't imagine even somehow being male.