Quote from: CalmRage on June 07, 2013, 10:43:02 AM
Why do i sometimes find very feminine things repulsive and unimaginable for myself and then imaginable?

I know how i feel inside, is this just some sort of internal transphobia?

I can't say with certainty.  Everyone is different.  However, masculinity and femininity have nothing to do with ones gender.  They are just character traits overall.  There are plenty fem guys and masculine women.  I'd consider myself a feminine girl with some masculine interests like video games and my music taste. 

I can't imagine myself being an overly feminine person, but living as a guy, i don't know if i want to continue forever.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 07, 2013, 11:10:42 AM
I can't imagine myself being an overly feminine person, but living as a guy, i don't know if i want to continue forever.

That's fine.  Just be you.  That's all that matters. 

Now i'm extremely depressed again. This is all so hard. I wish i was never born.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 07, 2013, 11:17:13 AM
Now i'm extremely depressed again. This is all so hard. I wish i was never born.

I've been there. Just hang in there and things will get better.  You saw your doctor and felt more comfortable.  Things will only improve with time.  For now, why don't you try and take your mind off of it.  I know you like music.  So, how about listening to music that cheers you up.  Or you can play your guitar as I know that can have a calming effect. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 07, 2013, 11:26:21 AM
I've been there. Just hang in there and things will get better.  You saw your doctor and felt more comfortable.  Things will only improve with time.  For now, why don't you try and take your mind off of it.  I know you like music.  So, how about listening to music that cheers you up.  Or you can play your guitar as I know that can have a calming effect.

Now i'm extremely confused. Sometimes i want things, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i feel repulsed, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i feel like i am deluding myself, sometimes i don't. I know what doesn't cheer me up: not having a friend in the world except one person that lives one to two hours away.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 07, 2013, 11:28:00 AM
Now i'm extremely confused. Sometimes i want things, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i feel repulsed, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i feel like i am deluding myself, sometimes i don't. I know what doesn't cheer me up: not having a friend in the world except one person that lives one to two hours away.

CalmRage, please don't torture yourself.  You will find the answers in time.  Your being proactive about it by seeing someone.  That's a good thing.  Try not to worry so much.  Find something to take your mind off of all this.  Reading, music, tv, movies, going for a walk, anything.  It's better to not work yourself into a depressive state. 

While in the shower i thought about killing myself. Not going to do anything. Sitting and looking out for the future. I'm not going to be posting here for a while. Might return though, but need some time to gather my wits again.

Another reason why i can't possibly be a girl:

1.I was really bothered when my mother interrupted my Doctor Who session to make me try on some clothes she bought for me. I wanted to continue watching.
2.I don't like shopping.

Alright, slowly snapping out of pseudo-denial here. After Naomi's comment my mind flew into some sort of rage, then i denied everything feminine, behaved as male as possible and slowly my confusion is coming back.

And how come i AM jealous of some of you girls on here? If only i could play guitar, that would calm me down. My throat is too sore to sing, too. I have an awful cough, i haven't eaten anything today except a way too salty pretzel. Actually thought about deliberately starving myself. Can't think of living BETWEEN the genders either. It's like i have a split personality. I am afraid to talk to my psychologist for fear of (guess what is there again) rejection.

Somehow some manly feelings actually felt good for a while, not because they're male, but because that's the way i behave, which i actually have suppressed a bit. Why does it all bother me so much, then?

Quote from: CalmRage on June 08, 2013, 05:19:31 AM
Another reason why i can't possibly be a girl:

1.I was really bothered when my mother interrupted my Doctor Who session to make me try on some clothes she bought for me. I wanted to continue watching.
2.I don't like shopping.

Some girls love doctor who.  It's not a show made for boys.
Some girls aren't obsessed with shopping.  That is more or a less a stereotype.  One that fits me, but I digress.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 08, 2013, 09:21:32 AM
And how come i AM jealous of some of you girls on here? If only i could play guitar, that would calm me down. My throat is too sore to sing, too. I have an awful cough, i haven't eaten anything today except a way too salty pretzel. Actually thought about deliberately starving myself. Can't think of living BETWEEN the genders either. It's like i have a split personality. I am afraid to talk to my psychologist for fear of (guess what is there again) rejection.

Somehow some manly feelings actually felt good for a while, not because they're male, but because that's the way i behave, which i actually have suppressed a bit. Why does it all bother me so much, then?

There are plenty of girls that I'm jealous of.  I think it's part of being a women.  Comparing yourself to other girls and feeling inadequate when comparing and contrasting.  It's normal.  Just don't do it too much and appreciate yourself for who you are.

Please, don't be afraid to talk to your psychologist.  What's better?  Sitting around feeling terrible or being proactive and getting treatment?  The latter sounds like the best option to me. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 08, 2013, 10:30:08 AM
Some girls love doctor who.  It's not a show made for boys.
Some girls aren't obsessed with shopping.  That is more or a less a stereotype.  One that fits me, but I digress.

There are plenty of girls that I'm jealous of.  I think it's part of being a women.  Comparing yourself to other girls and feeling inadequate when comparing and contrasting.  It's normal.  Just don't do it too much and appreciate yourself for who you are.

Please, don't be afraid to talk to your psychologist.  What's better?  Sitting around feeling terrible or being proactive and getting treatment?  The latter sounds like the best option to me.

i'm a confused mess. Sometimes i feel like a girl, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i wish to be like myself, but as a girl, sometimes i don't know.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 08, 2013, 10:34:16 AM
i'm a confused mess. Sometimes i feel like a girl, sometimes i don't. Sometimes i wish to be like myself, but as a girl, sometimes i don't know.

That's okay   It's all the more reason why it would be helpful to speak with your doctors about it.  They will help you through this and enable you to find your true path.  There is no need to worry or fear.  You'll get there.  Just be honest with your doctors and be proactive about it.  And whenever you feel down about it, just try to take your mind off of it.  There is no need to beat yourself up over having some confusion.  It's okay.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 08, 2013, 10:55:39 AM
That's okay   It's all the more reason why it would be helpful to speak with your doctors about it.  They will help you through this and enable you to find your true path.  There is no need to worry or fear.  You'll get there.  Just be honest with your doctors and be proactive about it.  And whenever you feel down about it, just try to take your mind off of it.  There is no need to beat yourself up over having some confusion.  It's okay.

I am kind of afraid of NOT being transsexual. What the hell does that mean?

I did have one female role model (don't laugh):

Lisa Simpson

I was really into that show a few years ago.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 08, 2013, 11:28:39 AM
I am kind of afraid of NOT being transsexual. What the hell does that mean?

There is no need to be afraid of yourself.  You will find out your proper course in time.  Just make sure you discuss this with you medical providers.  They aren't there to judge or deny you.  They are there to help you find the right path for you.  Please, stop letting this eat you up.  I've been there and can tell you it's not worth it.

There are times where i do feel very feminine and i like them more than the times where i feel rather masculine. Overall, i have difficulties with it and kick myself for that.

The male happiness is fake happiness. I'd call it McDonalds happiness. It is not real, it is only like "temporary escape". The feminine happiness is stronger and euphoric. I want to get this all over with despite my conflicting feelings.

This one moment one thinks of telling their parents and then another mood swing. One is still sure, just decides to wait some more.
I am Sara, i'm sure of that, not "birthname".