I haven't been here for a week or so (not that anyone missed me.)  The reason was that my dysphoria just wasn't a big issue for me over the past week - things were going well, I was preoccupied with work, and I almost forgot to be transgender. I mean, I still thought about it a lot, but there wasn't this sickening feeling of oh-my-god-this-can't-be-happening that normally accompanies it.

This has been going on for a while now, and I actually track it with a spreadsheet - my dysphoria seems to come in waves, sometimes to the point of intense depression and frustration, other times to barely background noise. It's back up there again today, so I know I'm in for a rough couple of weeks.

What are your experiences with these ups and downs?  It's a little worrying because if I'm not feeling TG 100% of the time, am I actually TG or something else?  And if I ended up coming out and living as a female, would the "downs" (where TG issues aren't a big deal for me) make me regret my decision?  On those low dysphoria days, would I look in the mirror at myself with long hair and makeup and think, "What the hell are you doing?"

I often have periods of dysphoria too. I'll stand in the mirror and say, "It'll never work. I don't pass and people only treat me as she because they pitty me." It sucks. But, I've found a couple things that help during these times. One thing I do is say: Okay so magically one day no one in the world cares... no one even recognizes differences in people, would I still feel this way? For me the answer is always, no. If people didn't care, I wouldn't feel this way. So then it clicks in my head, I'm just letting my fears of other peoples judgment make me feel like I'm not me.

Not saying we're the same person, but it sounds to me like you're letting your fear of others' opinions keep you from seeing yourself for you!

I go through waves lasting from days to months, even decades(?). As you noticed Diversions Distractions and a touch of Denial (the 3D's as I call them) can help. About 4 years ago, I lost all that. Amazing what what being trapped alone with just your thoughts, fears, and shattered hopes, wishes and dreams can do to you.

While I know a few TS's who it seems the absolute center of their universe is their dysphoria, many more are not. Like me, they struggle to just tr to be one whole healthy and happy person. You are who you are. Yes, I know I can stuff feelings or otherwise ignore them. That still does not change what I feel is true to my bones.

Not having doubts is not healthy. There is absoluely no absolutes. No one is 100% female or male. There is no universal truth as to which is which. I know I am both. However, I do know what makes me feel better about being me. I know what makes me not just smile, but to actually feel proud about what I see in a mirror. To feel joy about being me. I can be a woman. I achieved me dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Can I be a guy if I need to. Sure, I had a fairly good run at that for over 50 years; what's a few more? So why not......?

The days that say "What's the point of it all?"

I just want to be a girl and look female. Don't know what i want to look like, sometimes i see someone i want to look like a little bit and sometimes my reaction is almost repulsed. I just want to be a girl. The fact that it's cyclical is the only reason why i haven't talked about this with my therapist and psychologist earlier.

Quote from: JoanneB on June 08, 2013, 03:55:39 PMAs you noticed Diversions Distractions and a touch of Denial (the 3D's as I call them) can help.

Better make that the 4Ds - Diversions, Distractions, Denial and Drinking...

And thank god it's not (yet) the five 5Ds - Diversions, Distractions, Denial, Drinking, Drugs...

(Or worse still - adding Death to the end of that list.)

Quote from: JoanneB on June 08, 2013, 03:55:39 PM
While I know a few TS's who it seems the absolute center of their universe is their dysphoria, many more are not. Like me, they struggle to just tr to be one whole healthy and happy person. You are who you are. Yes, I know I can stuff feelings or otherwise ignore them. That still does not change what I feel is true to my bones.

Not having doubts is not healthy. There is absoluely no absolutes. No one is 100% female or male. There is no universal truth as to which is which. I know I am both. However, I do know what makes me feel better about being me.....I can be a woman. I achieved me dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Can I be a guy if I need to. Sure, I had a fairly good run at that for over 50 years; what's a few more? So why not......?

I don't have doubts about my transition. I have never felt more strongly that this decision is the right one. I don't mean to argue but for some of us, or at the very least, myself, I have such strong, persistent dysphoria that the idea of living the rest of my life as male makes me sick. Sue I have problems and am worried about the future but at least it is a future, not some drab existence that is just surviving. i want to do more then just survive. I want love. I want adventure. I want to travel. I want to get married to a man and wear a beautiful gown. This is what I have always wanted. Always. And I'm not saying other experiences are not valid they certainly are and I do seem to be an outlier on this board because of my experiences but I am okay with that. But I must say to say not having doubts isn't healthy isn't exactly fair to those of us who have suffered our whole lives with being male and could not live a successful life as one. I hope this makes sense and I really am not trying to argue just show you there are others on the spectrum who have this experience of being 100 percent sure. and why not? Aren't most cis people 100 percent sure so why can't a trans woman be so sure too?

My dysphoria also comes in cycles, though I haven't found out what brings it on. I have lived as a girl and woman for 30 years before it hit me that this thing will never fully go away. yes, there are times when I don't feel it much or think about things much but it always surfaces again eventually and sometimes it's extremely bad to the point of having suicidal thoughts.
I have also questioned if I might not be TG...for along time I thought I was bigender and genderqueer but this past month I finally came to terms with being TG. how? I simply brought memories up in my mind and tried looking for times when I saw myself as a girl or a woman, times when I really identified as one, and other times I saw myself as a boy and a man. What I found out was that I simply have no memories of me feeling and seeing myself as a woman but so many memories of identifying as a boy and a guy...I always felt like a boy.
Anyway, that answered my questions.

TG~4~LYFE

That's the way it goes!

Cycles w/ varied periods of delay only confirm it. There is no medical way to correct the neurological issue at the heart of being transgendered. At this time, the only thing we can do is find something that matches our body to mind. Dysphoria is never going to fully go away until you find out what works for you.

I'm with Joanna on the doubts thing, too. I confronted all of my doubts head on as I came out to myself. As soon as I did that, I tackled the doubts I had about transition. When I decided that there's no reason to have any doubt, I started my transition- and the rest is history.

I think it's VERY important to have doubts at some point, but the goal should be to conquer them- not live with them. It seems unhealthy to me to always be questioning yourself and your previous decisions. Probably a much greater chance of developing regret, bitterness, and hatred for one's personal history. I've also noticed some people are much more prone to it than others- and I'm not talking just about TG folks.

If you've already accepted both the success and/or failure of an outcome, you will move much more confidently and determinedly towards your goal. You operate life at full steam instead of second guessing at every turn. My highschool marching band director taught me this quote that has stuck with me ever since... "The best performance is one that you can't remember. Leave it all out on the field".

Fear is only going to distract you from becoming the person you deserve to be.

Only being in my early days of acceptance and therapy I find I cycle too with my Dysphoria. I go from one gender extreme to the other and it seriously does my head in 

While I look forward to taking my transition forward, I'm more excited about sorting my head/this cyclical thing (aka acceptance of self) out.

I'm so glad someone else made a topic on this cos I was just about to make one myself, after days of screaming in frustration at the loops my own head was sending me on.

Whoever says it's not a legitimate mental disorder needs to spend a day in our (stylish) shoes

Quote from: E-Brennan on June 08, 2013, 04:17:00 PM
Better make that the 4Ds - Diversions, Distractions, Denial and Drinking...

And thank god it's not (yet) the five 5Ds - Diversions, Distractions, Denial, Drinking, Drugs...

(Or worse still - adding Death to the end of that list.)

Which it will be. The other D's just lead to falling into that pit Depression which you canot climb out of. After having tried #4 I cannot recommend it, even for temporary relief.

I have some of the same issues. Lately all of my dreams have been about after transition or middle of transition,and feel great about it.  but I have had alot of times where I can't beleive I would feel this way and I would shave my head as to saying this isn't going to happen. After I shave my head I feel more guy like and feel a little better. The truth is though I feel truly happy when I am in "full drag" and Can't wait until HRT, FFS, SRS is done. Those days I still feel like I can't beleive this is actually happening but in an excited way and look to the future with hope and love for myself. When I feel like this I take care of my body a lot better, shower, brush teeth, and moisturize daily. Eat healthy cut down smoking and look into plans to quit, exercise and look into yoga and other caudio workouts. to create the best body I can. When in boy mode and don't want to be trans I could care less about my body, Shower maybe once a week, skip days brushing my teeth, drink extreme amounts of Mountain Dew, smoke 1-2 packs a day, sit at home all day watching tv unless at work. For the most part completely shut myself off to the outside world and rarely go out with friends. Most of the times just don't care if I live or die. Not necessarily suicidal just don't care.   

Quote from: Jennygirl on June 09, 2013, 01:57:13 AMI think it's VERY important to have doubts at some point, but the goal should be to conquer them- not live with them.

Probably one of the simplest and best pieces of advice I've read yet!   

There are times where i hate my body and times where i do not. Times where i am depressed and suicidal and times where i am not. Almost like a split personality. This won't go away. I know my feelings on this.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 02:13:46 PM
There are times where i hate my body and times where i do not. Times where i am depressed and suicidal and times where i am not. Almost like a split personality. This won't go away. I know my feelings on this.

I think alot of us feel that way. Yesterday I was a complete mess, yet today I am more on an even keel Who know maybe tomorrow I will be really chipper. Or maybe I will be a complete wreckage again. Hoping for the latter lol jk

Quote from: misschievous on June 09, 2013, 02:24:05 PM
I think alot of us feel that way. Yesterday I was a complete mess, yet today I am more on an even keel Who know maybe tomorrow I will be really chipper. Or maybe I will be a complete wreckage again. Hoping for the latter lol jk

There are times where i think: "What the hell are you doing here?"

And then i say: "Oh, right."

Happens to me a lot too...

Lots of days I feel like an ascending angel, like what's happening is so beautiful and amazing that it's impossible for me to feel bad.

And then the very next day out of nowhere I'll be right back to obsessing over all of my inadequacies.

In the very beginning, it was pretty much back and forth every 4 days or so. As time has gone on, though, the bad days have gotten less and less frequent. I just had about a week straight where I was feeling AMAZING, and then just re-entered another bout of awful dysphoria today. It happens.

When you say you do not have dysphoria, those times do you still watch cis women?   Their speech, geometry, face, cloths, vocal patterns, number of words per sentence, intonation, conversations, vocabulary, walk, dress and makeup? If you do, this too is dysphoria  but you do not feel bad about yourself at that time. It is natural for me to do the above. My inability to suppress I want to express being a girl and the turmoil that makes has led me in the past be self destructive. Since disclosure and starting hormones I  have issues but I feel I am on in the right direction. I have a long way to go and a lot of issues will arise, doubt is my friend. I am trying to answer, " What do I want to do". This is a lot of change for a lot of people, doubt, yes and lots of it.

Happens to me all the time too and it throws a massive amount of doubt on this whole thing for me. I start thinking about all the people that transitioned that shouldn't have and wonder if I'd be one of them. Then I start thinking about all the stuff I have to do in order to transition and it sounds like too much to overcome. Then I start equating what I like with less feminine, etc. Next thing I know I get slammed with the dysphoria again and start getting depressed about how much further along I'd be if I hadn't been "cured" yet again. A lot of it has to do with how busy I keep myself and my job is very demanding, so it's fairly easy to forget, but really it's not so much forgetting as just failing to see the distinction between birth me and myself me, mentally anyway. I think at some point, you just have to make a decision one way or the other about it all.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on June 09, 2013, 08:18:44 PM
When you say you do not have dysphoria, those times do you still watch cis women?   Their speech, geometry, face, cloths, vocal patterns, number of words per sentence, intonation, conversations, vocabulary, walk, dress and makeup? If you do, this too is dysphoria  but you do not feel bad about yourself at that time.

Yes, I still do.  And you're right, it's as if I might be confusing cyclical dysphoria with cyclical depression - the desire to be female doesn't diminish, and it's how bad I feel that goes up and down.  But I never to stop looking, feeling jealous, wanting to change, and even on my best days when I feel happy as can be, I would still immediately change my physical sex to female if I could.

Quote from: Emily Elizabeth on June 09, 2013, 08:50:21 PM
A lot of it has to do with how busy I keep myself and my job is very demanding, so it's fairly easy to forget, but really it's not so much forgetting as just failing to see the distinction between birth me and myself me, mentally anyway. I think at some point, you just have to make a decision one way or the other about it all.

I experience the same thing, Emily. When work gets intense, there are days when I just don't have the luxury of daydreaming about transitioning. Emails have to be written, meetings attended, etc.

Sometimes, the constant whisper of gender is drowned out by the shouting bosses and the ringing telephones. But the more I think about it, that whisper is still there, even in those busy times.  I just don't hear it.

Which concerns me a little, because I sometimes fall into the trap of keeping myself busy for the purpose of drowning out that whispering. I sometimes think that if I can occupy my time with work and exercise and chores and activities, that somehow I'll never have to worry about gender issues. But there will come a time when all of that superficial business naturally dies down and the gender issues are still there, and I'll probably regret being twenty years older and not having lived my life as I should have done.