I don't like many female things, but yet my gender and body really bother and haunt me.

I can't go on like this. Jealousy and confusion are killing me. I need to write my psychologist that i need therapy. I'm going mad here and my grades are suffering. I couldn't study in our living room today because i need a lot of time for myself.

Just went upstairs to come out to my mom, but chickened out again.

I just wrote her via Facebook. Going to lock myself in now until she answers.

I know what your going through CalmRage. I often feel the same, Don't know if this is right for me or not. Only thing about me, and you might look into this yourself when I am feeling feminine and dressing the part, I feel like I am truly happy. I take care of myself better and look forward to the future. Yes there is times when I feel discouraged and depressed ( yesterday was one of them). When I am in boy mode as in thoughts of being feminine are almost non existent I don't care about anything and anybody I am depressed a lot and can't figure out why. I avoid hanging out with friends , only ones I do hang out with regularly are at work, and just want to be left alone. If I do hang out with friends I am usually not very talkative. In boy mode I remind myself of the main star in "Rules of Engagement"

When I look into myself I realise I know what I want and Know what it will take to be happy. It is a long treacherous rode ahead and there will be alot of times I feel this isn't what I want but deep down I know it to be what I truly want. If I can make it through I feel that then My life will be complete.

As far as you wanting to feel like yourself but in a girls body. You will keep every part of your personality that you wish to keep, nothing will change that except your view on what parts you wish to discard. 

Her reaction seems to be ok, but i'm still afraid of going upstairs right now.

She was a little bit in disbelief at first simply because i didn't take very good care of myself the last few years.

Sara, this is really great.  Your mother has been concerned for quite some time.  If anything, I'm sure she is relieved to know what's going on so she can be there for you.  I'm very happy to hear that you are being proactive about this and working on moving towards a happy path. 

Like LTL said it looks like your mother knew something was wrong and now that she knows what it is She can help you through it.

I feel like throwing myself off a cliff.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 01:11:14 PM
I feel like throwing myself off a cliff.

Oh honey don't do that. You have to much to live for and so much to see

Quote from: Tristan on June 09, 2013, 01:13:25 PM
Oh honey don't do that. You have to much to live for and so much to see

You're right. I want to see my niece grow up. It's just....this one moment one really wants to be female, the next moment one doubts oneself simply because one feels weird, not really feminine. I don't know what to think, to do, to say. I only know i mean whatever i post on here.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 01:11:14 PM
I feel like throwing myself off a cliff.

That would solve nothing as you already know.  You're a Zappa fan.  I'm sure you remember that he referred to that as the sport of chumps.  Well, you aren't a chump.  Don't hurt yourself over something that is temporary and resolvable.

Your mom had a good first reaction to it.  It will never be easy, but in time things will come around in time. 

Hang in there.

That's just part of being a moody girl. Hormones make us more emotional and it seems like the first 2-3 years on them that second puberty can be trying. But yes you have alot to live for and alot of fun to have.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 09, 2013, 01:16:21 PM
That would solve nothing as you already know.  You're a Zappa fan.  I'm sure you remember that he referred to that as the sport of chumps.  Well, you aren't a chump.  Don't hurt yourself over something that is temporary and resolvable.

Your mom had a good first reaction to it.  It will never be easy, but in time things will come around in time. 

Hang in there.

I feel lost at times, almost like i am schizophrenic. I also doubt myself because i have never worn female clothing and am nervous and a little uncomfortable.

You're on the bridge;
Scared to leap,
But a girl walks over
To take a peep . . .
She says: "DON'T DO IT!"
But wouldn't you know . . .
The girl got a head
Like a buffalo
With a little red hair
All over the top
An' her breath would make the
Traffic stop
She says "I LOVE YOU . . .
BUT FIRST, LET'S EAT!"
And all you can say as you run down the street is . .

We all want the answers and solutions to life immediately.  It's understandable.  But sometimes you have to be patient for it to present itself to you.  Just give it some time and continue working with you doctors.  You will be okay.

Tomorrow i'll finally be able to get my guitar repaired. It'll make things a little more bearable.

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 01:23:28 PM
Tomorrow i'll finally be able to get my guitar repaired. It'll make things a little more bearable.

That's great.  What make is it?

Quote from: learningtolive on June 09, 2013, 01:24:17 PM
That's great.  What make is it?

Ibanez RG370DX, painted black (or paint it black, if you prefer "cue sitar playing")

Quote from: CalmRage on June 09, 2013, 01:25:13 PM
Ibanez RG370DX, painted black (or paint it black, if you prefer "cue sitar playing")

I've always wanted to try an Ibanez.  You're lucky.  See, you have something great to look forward tomorrow

Currently I play a Gibson SG and a Manuel Rodriguez Classical Guitar.