Well, I've been MIA for a few weeks. Life is just a little bit dreadful.

Regardless of that, I'm writing becaaaause... I don't know. I was finally able to switch from injections to cream a few weeks ago, which is one stressor I don't have to worry about anymore. I just have to remember to actually use it every night now instead of every week. In any case, three and a half or four months of injections seems to be enough here. I'm not worried about changes slowing down because I pass pretty consistently wherever I go. I'm living with two friends I've known since I was a kid, and they're doing well with pronouns.

I've had some concerns the last week or so about transitioning. Like "Did I really want to do this?" and "Should I go back?" kind of concerns. I get days where I do miss being a pretty girl and getting flirted with -- but after some thought I am fairly certain that's just vanity. I've been pretty unstable the past month and I get to feeling this transition is making everything just a little more difficult.

So I talked to one of my roommates about it the other night, and she suggested I try living again as a female - on the DL, because I don't want to encourage any thoughts from my family that this is a "phase". I considered it, and I suppose am still considering it, but the more I think about it the more I feel like it's not going to be right. Like that's not what I want. I don't want to be seen and treated as a female, but I've had days where I miss it. I'm assuming that's uncommon, but is it?

I don't regret transitioning and I don't think I'll detransition, but I'm feeling very confused lately and I just wish life wasn't so complicated.

Maybe you just miss it because you became so used to being treated as a female?

I haven't started T yet so my experiences aren't quite the same but I struggled with something similar when I first came out to my girlfriend. We experimented with little things like using male pronouns for me and even though it felt right to be referred to as a male it also felt a little strange at first because I had been so used to being referred to as a female. After I adjusted to being viewed as a male though I knew I never wanted to go back to being viewed as a female. I decided that I want more people to start treating me as a male so that's why I'm working on transitioning further. I've been afraid that if I go back to using my female name and female pronouns, my girlfriend and her family will just think I was going through a phase and that I'm not actually going to fully transition one day.

I can't say I understand your dilemma but I applaud your honesty. Maybe your friend is right and you should try secretly living as a female again for awhile until you're 100% sure of what you want. I'm someone who is quick to admit if I could have lived happily as a female I would have. If you think you have the potential for that then why not explore it and save yourself from a lifetime of unneeded hormones and surgeries?

I think the worst thing to live with in life is regret. Granted right now you look like a boy but in a few short years you are going to look like a full grown man. Are you prepared mentally for that? I'd say completely sort your feelings out before you end up with a bunch of irreversible (or painful to reverse) changes.

I know what you mean in regards to the flirting and all of that. I was very attractive and actually kind of promiscuous before I transitioned, and I do miss getting hit on by lots of straight guys because they're very open about their attraction, whereas dudes hitting on you man-to-man tend to be a lot more discreet, even if it's obvious to observers in their body language, they're not so open verbally and it's more of a sexual charge than directly sexual.

If that's the only thing that you really miss, even if you miss it severely, I would consider possibly looking more into dating even if you're finding partners online. I assume it's not a worry about inability to find a serious relationship because there are good matches out there for everyone. I may be wrong, but I am guessing you might feel the way that I do?

I am having some concerns now because I was living stealth for so long and I know that hookups and all that can lead to rumors or something. The good news is that there are lots of very masculine gay men, and gay men in general are more accepting of trans* people and not going to react as badly. I had an experience with two gay men (well, one is more bisexual really) and both of them were really into me even after finding out I didn't come with the typical 'stock' equipment.

Thanks for the responses.

I don't think that I want to go back to living as a female. Like I said, I've been considering it - and the thought of going back to female pronouns and being treated like a girl is pretty unappealing. I suppose the issue does deal a lot with relationships and the idea of them in the future. My standards have always been high, and I guess I feel almost as though I'll have to lower them at some point because I'm not biologically male. Or rather, I'm at a point where I'm asking myself if I ever even want to try getting into a relationship again.

Maybe it is just that I miss male attention. It feels more complicated than that either way, but I don't want to go back to being a girl. 95% of the time I'm perfectly content, but there are just days where I sort of want to dress up. I've considered the possibility of - what is it? - genderqueer, or gender fluid, bi-gender, whatever... And if that is the case, I'm not going to be able to let myself do that. It's difficult enough to explain to friends/family that I'm FtM. I'm really not sure that's it either, though.

Really I'm just a confused little dude. I'm hoping things will work themselves out soon.

I've never been overly girly but I do make an attractive female. I totally get what you're saying and wanted you to know you're not alone with all of your misgivings and second thoughts. I'm not exactly 'there' but I do get it.

These are the exact thoughts I have, and they're part of what's been driving me mad lately. I look at old pictures of myself, and think, "Wow, I looked much better than I thought I did." I get depressed that I won't get the same attention I got as a female, ESPECIALLY while I'm starting to transition. If I could go from being a chick to being a hot dude overnight, that'd make me a LOT more certain in who it is I want to become. But the fact of the matter is that right now I feel genderless and therefore incredibly unattractive (I think if my acne weren't so bad I could pull off genderless much better like some people can). It's not that I necessarily want to be female. I just want to be wanted.

For whatever reason (maybe from spending my whole life learning how to be female), I still love female fashion and hair, and loathe the fact that I can't wear those things. I hate having boring guy hair, I hate how boring guy's fashion is in comparison to women's. And those thoughts also cloud my judgement on what I want to do with myself. But at the end of the day, I want to be male, whether it's a more drab life or not, and transitioning is just a necessary part of attaining that identity. As much as I love female fashion, I hate tight female pants, I hate bras, I hate bathing suits that expose every part of my body. I just hate the feeling inside myself when I wear those things. I've realized as much as I hate them on myself, I still love them on cis women. I still plan on dressing female here and there for a special occasion or something, although I'm not sure if I'll actually go through with it or not (I've done it once so far since cutting my hair off and my friend had already gotten so used to "guy" me she didn't know how to take it).

I think once I feel like a man, and can fit men's clothes, I'll be able to accept my transition a lot better. But as it stands, I hate seeing old pictures of me in girl clothes and makeup, knowing that I went from that to what I am today. I've covered up my full-body mirror to hide my female aspects from myself (which turned out to be kind of a mistake, as now I can't see the progress I'm making in my abs--oh well). I just want to forget that I was ever female, so that I can move on from here without any doubts.

I think people make the assumption that transgenders make the decision all on their own, like we one day wake up and think, "Hell, I'm sick of this, I want different genitals." But there's a lot of confusion in our own minds even after we decide to transition, just as there is confusion before we come to the realization that our current gender is what's making us unhappy. There is no black and white here, and that's what makes this such a hard life to live. It's the same confusion a person might face when trying to figure out their sexuality. Your mind isn't just going to tell you, "Hey you, this is how you feel," and that's that. If it did, psychology would be a much shorter lesson in school.

I think we're supposed to be confused, supposed to be left kept guessing. That's just part of life, whether you're trans, cis, gay, etc. Our moods change everyday and even those changes will affect our thoughts on these subjects. So maybe it's ok to want to dress female or male depending on your mood, while still wanting a male body. Cis men do it, don't they?

Quote from: D0LL on June 17, 2013, 12:06:47 PM
So maybe it's ok to want to dress female or male depending on your mood, while still wanting a male body. Cis men do it, don't they?

That is probably exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. 

Though I don't understand your feelings that much I do understand not feeling completely 100% *man*. I have feelings that I have found are similar to others who say that they are not binary. Perhaps you aren't either. It might be only 5% of the time but if you want to wear girl's clothes and so on-- well lots of kids do this. I know a guy, I think that it's about that often just gets the feeling to want to wear makeup or whatever. And since he has decided that this is okay he is a lot happier. He still is going thru medical transition and isn't regretting it. But I think if he shut that off, he would feel less happy. I'd just guess you a bit more fluid but that's ok.

--Jay