Ever since she came out as trans (nearly 4 months), it's been about nothing else. I understand how much this means to everyone. The good, bad, support, confusion, what happens next. But I feel like I'm being left behind.
HRT started 4 weeks ago. She still presents as male at work. Our families both know. Full time female happens once the beard is gone (lazer currently in process). All good. No worries.
In the mean time, I don't even get asked how my day was anyomore. I have a feeling if I quit my job, started drinking & put on weight, no one would notice. I'm tired. When will everything settle down a bit?

I agree with Fierce, you should tell her how you feel.  She might not realize that you feel this way.  Transitioning is no easy piece of cake, and so she might not realize how much you are feeling left out.  This kind of reminds me of the lesbian couple from Greys Anatomy.  The one is in an accident and looses her foot and refuses to go out and do anything.  She has a fake foot, but she feels like everyone just stares at her feet.  She almost refuses to go to an event because of it and finally her wife just lets it all out, telling her it is always about that foot.  That she couldn't even say the word foot anymore.  She finally convinces her wife to go after letting all her feelings out.  I know it is a little different than your situation, but it might just be that you need to explain how you feel because she really might not realize.  Sorry if this seems like rambling, distracted by watching my SO play The Last of Us.

I totally agree with everyone. I was told to expect my SO to have a very selfish phase during the transition, but that doesn't mean that you and your needs don't matter. Have a talk with her. If you let it fester it's only going to cause you to resent her.

You totally matter, completely.  Tell her to stop being a teenager and grow up and act like a woman, one that cares about those around her.  Light speed transition isn't always the best with a supportive spouse! 

I agree. ...tell her to put the big girl panties on...

Part of growing into woman hood is also being empathetic
Caring and nurturing. ..
While growing self..  to ignite the feelings needs and wants of a
Spouse is downright selfish and immature..

I agree she actually might be in teen years as a girl...
There can be a psychological regression back younger
Mentally with the start of a puberty..

Solution spank here.  Make her clean the house. 
And grounded for a month

I went through a "light-speed transition" alongside my wife, and I agree with everyone else that you ought to gently point out to her that you're feeling left out. Transition can be a very self-centered (in the literal sense, not criticizing) process and it's sometimes hard to remember that there's a life outside of it, especially in the very beginning. She probably hasn't noticed how focused on the whole thing she's become, and hopefully will make an effort to pay attention to you again if you mention that you're feeling overlooked.

You absolutely do have a right to expect your needs, wants, and feelings to be respected and taken into account. She's lucky to have a supportive spouse like you, and - this is true for any marriage issue, not just transition - focusing exclusively on one spouse's issues long-term can be damaging to the relationship. My wife made a conscious effort to still focus on me and my *not*-transition-related interests and issues at least daily, and it made a huge difference.

As for how long it'll take everyone around you two to get over it... probably a few months, or perhaps until she's mostly fully publicly transitioned and they can file it under "done" in their minds. Eventually people do go back to caring more about their own lives, I promise. I don't recall exactly when it happened for us, but it was definitely before the 11-month transition period was up, and sometime after she'd socially transitioned (which was about six months after she told me and got started down the road). So maybe 5-6 months? Anyway, it's probably going to be relatively soon for you, with any luck.

Quote from: LaurenGGWife on June 16, 2013, 11:10:26 AMI'm tired. When will everything settle down a bit?

Lauren, one of my best, most respected surviving friends turned out to be the gg spouse (now 'ex") of a befriended  trans-girl  that has since gone her own way. I think "J" (no full names) welcomed me into their family home in the hope of better understanding, via "third party I", what was happening to her husband of over 30yrs as well. As an avowed "transgendered spouse" myself (MTF) with younger children who was also struggling at the time with own marital issues (now divorced too but for different reasons)  . . .

. . . . I think the *one most important thing* that "J" and I discovered together is "how" one deals with this self-imposed/perceived "dysphoric disorder" (sounds 'mild' eh?) is much more important than "why".

Contrary to pop trans culture if one looks at it as a compulsive behavioral disorder there is still an underlying element of "choice" that is influenced, for better or worse, by "societal pressures" that simply cannot be ignored. As much as we may want and strive to follow that sense of "gender being inside" no responsible adult is a complete tabula rasa unto oneself and your family feelings must be considered as well otherwise ALL IS ALREADY LOST!

"J" discovered on her own this The Third Gender (Scientific American) article ( allegedly "discredited" or not ) and found it insightful, a testament to her commitment, and hopefully you will too.

Bottom line? We're ALL still unique & differently motivated individuals  (re: 'trans) that, despite 'lil voice inside, must always keep in mind the goal of a  "successful transition" that contributes, not detract, to the overall happiness of all involved.

Aside from welcomed patience YOU SHOULD BE the final arbitrator of what "her world" considers 'acceptance' or not but, unfortunately, that does not always turn out to be the case . . . I'm a firm believer in "if it was meant to be, THEN IT WILL". lol How's the "karma" goin' round these days?

And this is especially true of us older, already more "invested ones" for sure. There is a global *gender war* going on in this country, more and more people are opting out of "traditional marriage" as we speak, and I suspect, in drawing from own TG experience, ALL are causalities of that "my needs" battle and the only real question is HOW determined are WE really to survive that battle TOGETHER!

This Is a Choice BOTH must work at and make, Cheers and Best Luck!!!


( Please note: the entire article is based on assumptions from a "social/sexual preference" point of view which current "trans theory", if indeed a unified one even exists at all, rejects out-of-hand in terms of the "why".

Personally I don't view "transgendered" specifically as a "disorder", with all the claimed medical insurance benefits "the cure" entails, but rather as a gift from A God that demands an accounting for how well we make use of what has been dealt in our lives, be it "male" or "female", overall !!! )

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I think I just need to keep trying. It's just so all consuming. I try & be as supportive as I can, but it seems silly & false to try & care about makeup & hair & clothes. Why does she think I'm going to have a sudden interest now?
As for the teenage stage, well, it's been like that for 13 years, since we met. I feel as though no matter what I do or say it'swrong. I've tried to tell her how I feel on several occasions. But it always ends up with her sulking & me feeling like a total a.hole. Darkie, The other night I said "to you I might make this look easy. But it's no cake walk!".
We'll be fine I'm sure. I just have to remember to be the bigger woman..Thanks again for allowing me to vent & the confirmation that I'm not being a complete cow. xxx

I am not fully out yet, and I don't know when that will happen. I understand where you are though. When I came out to two of my closest friends I drove them crazy because of the fact that I wanted to talk about me and girl things with them. Part of the reason that she may feel this way is because of the fact that she has not been able to do those things. Part of it is the novelty. You can do it and people won't look at you funny. She might also be in the stage of trying to figure out who she is again. Know you are trans and then developing and letting that inner-self out takes time. For me I found out I was being a bitch from my friends. They were quite blunt about it and I needed to hear it. It was a metaphorical slap in the face, but in the end it was a slap that woke me up. I am now working though things with them and I am working on myself as well. I realized that just because I am out does not mean that I have to change. I tried to throw myself into things that I missed because I grew up as a boy, but then I realized that they did not really interest me anyways. That is not to say I am not girly, there are many things that just dont appeal to me. I heard something from somebody on this site. "I am a woman so whatever I do is okay".

I know it might seem like I am defending her actions, but on the same coin she does need to put on her big girl panties and realize that the feelings of others to matter. You are just as important as she is.

This site is here for trans people as well as anybody else. We are one big support group. I know it is a little late to say welcome. I am so scatter brained sometimes, but I try to get everything in there.

My wife told her therapist, "I've searched as deep within myself as I can and I'm fine being married to a woman, and I might even prefer it, but she must be a woman, not a selfish teenager."

That was when I started to really understand what transition means.  I think about her and our kids like a wife and mother now.  I trust she cares for my needs so I try my best to care for hers.  We now have a collaborative and cooperative relationship.  Sure I gave up power, but before that I was living in a patriarchal role, no matter how benevolent I thought I was its not authentic, fair or intimate.

To me, that's a secret of a great marriage - each person watches out for the other's needs without power plays.

Best to you both!

Hey Lauren,

I first of all want to say that you are very special to endure the transition of your spouse! That takes a special kinda woman. 

I'm someone that has gone through it and have a wife that was extremely supportive like yourself. I remember in the beginning it was very tough at times. Sometimes I got tunnel vision and that's all I thought about. Transition is extremely stressful and sometimes it does consume the relationship. What my wife and I did was try to establish some ground rules. Things like being able to feel free to communicate issues that one of us is having. Your spouse needs to understand that it's not only her going through a transition. The support needs to be a two way street.

Once she starts HRT it's gonna be a big change and y'all need to be able to communicate effectively so that you both are supportive one another, because there is gonna be a lot of changing gong on... I remember when I started I was a wreck for a few months while my body got used to the change in hormones. I was on the fast track and I'm just about complete or maybe I am done , or close, ->-bleeped-<- I don't know.... Sorry... I posted today about how do you know when you done transitioning.

Anyway I  digress. 

There is no shortage of hurdles in transition and it is so much easier with a great supportive partner. In the end it will be worth it. She will be a much happier person. I truly hope y'all stick it out together and make it work.

You might want to look into counseling. We had to in the beginning. I still have a therapist and she was seeing one for the first few months. I truly feel it helped her express herself to someone neutral. I think it helped  her sort out some of her thoughts and feelings about the transition she had when they arose.

Ya know vent! 
Someone that would really listen to her and validate her concerns without hurt feelings. Someone to give good sound advise on how to effectively communicate her needs. Each relationship is different and you are gonna have to deal with a little stress for the next few months. Just wait until the tweener stage hits!!! That's when she doesn't quite fit in to either gender. Oh god that was a strange stage. There will be times when she is very needed and the support that you can give will be very appreciated. For me I love my wife more for sticking it out with me. I know that i have a true partner for life.

Good Luck sweetie!

~Rea

Ashley : Your wife is brilliant. And brave enough to put it bluntly! Of course, you also deserve so much credit for listening to her and genuinely taking her needs into account, once she said that.

She IS brilliant and is my ace in the hole.  Thank you for seeing her.  She helps me dial into what being a woman means and I am so grateful for her love, support and friendship.  We have awesome and supportive therapists too!

I know I am the trans person on the SO board but I have a deep care and concern for all SO's here because of how difficult it can be for them and I think there are more relationships that could survive if SO's received more support and understanding from transitioning partners.

/off my soapbox now

I just want to say that I am really encouraged by the support that I'm seeing in this forum and the awesome and non-biased messages.  When an SO transitions it's about ALL of you, not just the person transitioning.