I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, or if I've done something wrong here - it's my first post, and I haven't got anywhere else to turn to for advice.

For my entire life, for as long as I can remember, I've had a male self perception in a female body. And pretty much from that age, I've been badly bullied because I just can't hide it. My choices, the way I speak, the way I move etc. And finally I've started down the path of medical transition. But one thing really holds me back - I think I would have a happier, more 'me' life as a woman. Women seem to have so much more leeway when it comes to gender expression, and I am one of those people that walk the line between the two in society. Sure, I might love DIY, swords and DnD, but I also love cosmetics, scented candles and a whole host of other things. I'm also a life long goth, artist, writer, animal lover...and just really. I know that when I transition that suddenly things that right now people accept as just me being a modern woman will single me out. I may not agree with the idea of things being 'male stuff' and 'female stuff', but I know that out there most people will.

I don't even know what I want others to say to me, just that I'm afraid. I'm not afraid that my parents will never speak to me again, I'm not afraid of the difficulties and cost this will bring, and I'm not afraid of the possibility of spending my life alone, but I'm so afraid that by making a choice to address lifelong dysphoria, I'll lose more of myself that I've gained.

I wish that I could tell myself that where I am right now is better for me, and that would utterly end my dysphoria. But those feelings wont listen to arguments about current gender stereotyping.

If you have anything to say that could help me as I'm sitting here on the brink of such a huge decision, I would greatly appreciate it.

Hi Grimm,

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Janet  )O(

Welcome Grimm.

If you feelings are longstanding, that is sort of the classic definition of the old term "Gender Identity Disorder."  That you have aspects of both genders, and are reconciled to that, might suggest that you are, to some degree, non-binary or genderfluid.

You sound as if you are familiar with the gender spectrum, so this may be something you would want to learn more about.

Thanks Jamie- I have spent about 2 years exploring that possibility, but that doesn't feel right. I've never felt like neutrois or genderqueer etc expressions were right for me. My internal perception has always been male, and I want to fully transition to male. The problems I have is that my personality is one which I feel would single me out when male, and maybe take away vast amounts of opportunities I have now. I was badly bullied as a child/teen because my gender expression didn't meet society's expectations. As I matured that got better, and now I'm seen as a 'strong woman'. But I know that post transition I will be seen as a 'weak man'. This is my fear, that that bullying and self esteem undermining will begin again, and that I'll have to hide large parts of my personality.

I do understand that, very well.  I think many of us relate.

Avoiding the adverse impacts if transition, such as being bullied or rejected, is a very real concern.  You are not alone in that.  Perhaps you may want to get to know some members in our FtM community, and see how they approach those issues.

Thanks. Sometimes I find myself feeling like everyone else seems so certain that transition is the best way to go in terms of compromise, or that I'm strange for even feeling like I am compromising, but I guess I need to be more realistic when I think these things.

I guess one of the reasons it's upsetting me so much is that I /have/ explored so many options, like the idea of being genderqueer or neutrois above. I have spent about a year living as male in a 'supportive' environment, and was happy, and I've also had only male friends until last year, and even then I only have two (and one of them is my ex girlfriend). I've also been identifying as male online since the moment I got internet access. I hate the feeling that I've explored and thought so much, and still can't find a resolution.