Hello to all of the members of this forum my name is Lyndsey Brown and I am an 18 year old male to female transexual who has been feeling lost and depressed. To put it bluntly I don't know how other MTF people feel but my physical body absolutely disgusts me to the point that I can't even stand to do simple day to day things like showering and using the bathroom without feeling an almost overwhelming sense of depression and hopelessness I'm scared that sooner or later I'll get to the point where I'll feel suicide or something similar is the only answer. I know I'm a worthless human being and that no no one would miss me if I died but I I don't want to die not now not yet so please if you can find it in your hearts help me please.

Hi Lyndsey 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

I can't say I understand what you're going through per se, as I am not trans myself, but I have experienced lows where I have contemplated suicide, and I have seen how the dysphoria affected my wife in much the same ways as you. Before she came out and started transition, she would go long periods of time with out bathing herself, brushing her teeth, shaving or the like, simply because she could not bear to look in the mirror or pay any attention to her body.

And I'm not sure what your situation is like, but I'm sure you would be missed if you were gone. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me or talk to anyone else on the site. They are all super supportive!

Hi Lyndsey,

Welcome to our little family. Over 11725 . That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet  )O(

Quote from: lyndseyB on June 20, 2013, 01:12:33 PM
Hello to all of the members of this forum my name is Lyndsey Brown and I am an 18 year old male to female transexual who has been feeling lost and depressed. To put it bluntly I don't know how other MTF people feel but my physical body absolutely disgusts me to the point that I can't even stand to do simple day to day things like showering and using the bathroom without feeling an almost overwhelming sense of depression and hopelessness I'm scared that sooner or later I'll get to the point where I'll feel suicide or something similar is the only answer. I know I'm a worthless human being and that no no one would miss me if I died but I I don't want to die not now not yet so please if you can find it in your hearts help me please.

Welcome Lyndsey.

Let's get down and dirty for a second.  First of all, you are not worthless.  If you were, people here would ignore you - that isn't going to happen.  You, me, everybody has worth.  Self harm does no good for anybody, it just makes the world a sadder place.

Second, a lot of us understand the hopelessness that comes from the dysphoria.  There are ways to cope, but it usually starts with taking to others like yourself and sharing your feelings.  We've been there.  In some cases we are there.

You are 18, and you know, you have the best years of your life in front of you.  But you are dealing with a mismatch between how your brain images itself, and how your body actually looks.  But there are cosmetic things that can be done for that.  It takes courage though, and a will to live, and to not let the dysphoria rule our lives.

Keep talking Lyndsey, because we are hear, listening.  You are not alone anymore.

Quote from: Jamie D on June 20, 2013, 03:57:06 PM
Welcome Lyndsey.

Let's get down and dirty for a second.  First of all, you are not worthless.  If you were, people here would ignore you - that isn't going to happen.  You, me, everybody has worth.  Self harm does no good for anybody, it just makes the world a sadder place.

Second, a lot us us understand the hopelessness that comes from the dysphoria.  There are ways to cope, but it usually starts with taking to others like yourself and sharing your feelings.  We've been there.  In some cases we are there.

You are 18, and you know, you have the best years of your life in front of you.  But you are dealing with a mismatch between how your brain images itself, and how your body actually looks.  But there are cosmetic things that can be done for that.  It takes courage though, and a will to live, and to not let the dysphoria rule our lives.

Keep talking Lyndsey, because we are hear, listening.  You are not alone anymore.

You say it starts by talking about my feeling and such is there a set forum for that kind of thing or is it just post in whichever one I feel is right?

Also you mentioned ways to cope or something along that line please if at all possible could you give me more information on that.

Quote from: lyndseyB on June 20, 2013, 01:12:33 PM
Hello to all of the members of this forum my name is Lyndsey Brown and I am an 18 year old male to female transexual who has been feeling lost and depressed. To put it bluntly I don't know how other MTF people feel but my physical body absolutely disgusts me to the point that I can't even stand to do simple day to day things like showering and using the bathroom without feeling an almost overwhelming sense of depression and hopelessness I'm scared that sooner or later I'll get to the point where I'll feel suicide or something similar is the only answer. I know I'm a worthless human being and that no no one would miss me if I died but I I don't want to die not now not yet so please if you can find it in your hearts help me please.

Hello Lyndsey. You are not worthless and please don't harm yourself and there are pleny of people that do care cause you finally found the place, meaning here. I've been in those places before and still visit them so I know how you feel.

Quote from: Jess42 on June 20, 2013, 04:42:05 PM
Hello Lyndsey. You are not worthless and please don't harm yourself and there are pleny of people that do care cause you finally found the place, meaning here. I've been in those places before and still visit them so I know how you feel.

I don't mean to pry or be intrusive but if it wouldn't be to much to ask could you please tell me how you deal with depression and such? I myself haven't found a way that works so I typically spend my time when I'm depressed curled up in a ball crying my eyes out and being overwhelmed by self hate and utter disgust at just simply who I am and what I feel I was unfortunate to be born with.

Quote from: lyndseyB on June 20, 2013, 04:24:00 PM
You say it starts by talking about my feeling and such is there a set forum for that kind of thing or is it just post in whichever one I feel is right?

Also you mentioned ways to cope or something along that line please if at all possible could you give me more information on that.

I think, until you get the feel of the site, just post in the MtF Transsexual Talk forum.  It is the most popular board here.  You can branch out later.  I'll be looking for you! 

Coping mechanisms often vary with how strong your dyphoria is.  That might be a good topic - "How do you cope with the dysphoria?"

For me, it was doing things that made me feel less masculine and more feminine.  I identify as bi-gendered, and so my dysphoria was occasional.  But shaving legs and torso helped me - I despise body hair.

Some MtFs dress and tuck.  Many eventually get laser or electrolysis, at least on their faces.

And it is always good to talk to a professional.  For some of us, just blocking the testosterone was a great feeling.  And estradiol was heaven.

Quote from: lyndseyB on June 20, 2013, 04:49:24 PM
I don't mean to pry or be intrusive but if it wouldn't be to much to ask could you please tell me how you deal with depression and such? I myself haven't found a way that works so I typically spend my time when I'm depressed curled up in a ball crying my eyes out and being overwhelmed by self hate and utter disgust at just simply who I am and what I feel I was unfortunate to be born with.

I don't mind. I do things that take my mind away from those dark places. Reading, meditation, and just about anything that is uplifting. I really suggest seeing a therapist if you can. If you can't find one specific for gender issues, just one to try to battle the depression. Have you seen your doctor? They will be able to prescribe meds to help and sometimes you may have to try different doses and different types. I also use those dark places as a means of creativity. Poetry, music, creative writing are all ways to let those feelings out instead of just letting them well up in you. Kind of a release of sorts. This is just what I do to battle it. Just look for anything that makes you feel better. I hope this helps a little.

Hi Lindsey, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm up near Boston. As everyone has said, you're not alone, and that's a good thing to know. Standard advice here is to consider seeing a gender therapist to help you work things out. They go to a lot of school for that. Here's what I can tell you without any formal training: You need to approach life one little issue at a time, not stacked up like a brick wall. Little steps are the way to get where you're going. Hugs, Devlyn

thank you everyone just thank you for toys support and acceptance I I can't even begin to explain just how NICE it is to know that no I am not alone in this.

True, you are not alone Lyndsey     There are many here with similar issues and are more than happy to lend their support

So jump on in    We are all here for each other

Hugs

V M

Hi Lyndsey,

Sorry I'm a bit late is greeting you.

As others have said the feeling of worthlessness is not uncommon among us, but as a young woman you have a fantastic life ahead of you.

Just for example, I was at a meeting last night addressing trans*people where I live to push for ways that our community can help young trans*people.

On thing was damn obvious. All of the trans*men and woman were very successful men and woman, from Doctors, teachers, educators, lawyers, social workers, business woman an business men. They were all trans *people. They were all proud of themselves, they were the wheelers and dealers. Not a single one was giving any excuse for anything and not a single one had any sense of worthlessness.

We are all strong men and woman and we can face the world with pride and confidence. You are part of this community and there is no reason ever to think anything but proud for yourself.

Seek a therapist and start moving and enjoying a fantastic life.

We are all here for you.

Hugs
Cindy

Quote from: lyndseyB on June 20, 2013, 04:49:24 PM
I don't mean to pry or be intrusive but if it wouldn't be to much to ask could you please tell me how you deal with depression and such? I myself haven't found a way that works so I typically spend my time when I'm depressed curled up in a ball crying my eyes out and being overwhelmed by self hate and utter disgust at just simply who I am and what I feel I was unfortunate to be born with.

Hi LyndseyB!
        Glad you found your way here! When it comes to depression there is one type that is clinical that has to be treated by a mental health professional usually with drugs. Those who are bi-polar as an example of one type sometimes experience such low periods that they require treatment with psychotropic drugs that change brain waves. A lot of depression associated with GID or Gender Dysphoria comes from an intense sense of self pity and hopelessness. This is something that we can work through with counseling program and also with the realization that nothing will change unless we change the tape we keep running over and over  in our head. Curling up in bed and sleeping all day is counter productive and only serves to make matters worse. One of the best plans to get oneself out of these doldrums is to get up and start making plans. You can start planning what you will do each day that will be a positive move forward toward your transition. There are things one can do even if there is no money. You can learn a lot about being a woman by going to a mall and just watching women, how they move, walk, talk, all the feminine mannerisms, styles. It would be a few hours of time well spent as a positive learning experience where you have just shut out that tape in your head and made a move out of your depressed state. Have you discussed your gender issues with your parents?
   

Quote from: Shantel on June 20, 2013, 06:17:39 PM
Hi LyndseyB!
        Glad you found your way here! When it comes to depression there is one type that is clinical that has to be treated by a mental health professional usually with drugs. Those who are bi-polar as an example of one type sometimes experience such low periods that they require treatment with psychotropic drugs that change brain waves. A lot of depression associated with GID or Gender Dysphoria comes from an intense sense of self pity and hopelessness. This is something that we can work through with counseling program and also with the realization that nothing will change unless we change the tape we keep running over and over  in our head. Curling up in bed and sleeping all day is counter productive and only serves to make matters worse. One of the best plans to get oneself out of these doldrums is to get up and start making plans. You can start planning what you will do each day that will be a positive move forward toward your transition. There are things one can do even if there is no money. You can learn a lot about being a woman by going to a mall and just watching women, how they move, walk, talk, all the feminine mannerisms, styles. It would be a few hours of time well spent as a positive learning experience where you have just shut out that tape in your head and made a move out of your depressed state. Have you discussed your gender issues with your parents?

my parents have made it clear to me times that no I am not trans and that this is just a phase I'm going through but honestly I don't feel that it is I feel that yes my name is Lyndsey Brown and while I may physically be a male I am mentally a women and one day I hope to physically be one as well regardless of what my parents think on the subject if they won't support me then why worry about them.

Denial was my best friend...I mean I denied that that body was mine...not my fault....and I got to make a plan as how I am going to change so as to be in concordance with my mind...


Put aside the "pity party" and get down to the business of making a plan. Yes a plan for YOUR life and YOUR transition...

OK, so you have to make money! Get a trade or a college degree. Hopefully a degree or trade in something you like to do...we trans folks are almost always "gifted" so no doubts you can do it.

Next, the business of transitioning....talk to your local therapist...most big cities have trans clinics where you can get A THERAPIST AND SHORTLY THER AFTER IN hormones....AFTER THAT IS JUST BUT DETAILS BUT I CANNOT EMPHASIZE...become financial independent first

Good luck Sweetie