I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. It was painful just reading what you wrote. I shudder to think about how much pain you must be in right now. I, too, am very close with my mother, and would absolutely gutted if she reacted that way. I wish there were some advice I could give you, but I really don't have any. My mother was more concerned than upset when I came out to her. She knew I wasn't the sort to come to this conclusion lightly, and she has said before that "being gay [or trans] couldn't be a choice, as given how stigmatized LGBT people are, there's no way anyone would willingly subject themselves to that if they weren't innately that way." Granted, she had suspected something was up for years, but hadn't said anything, so I guess coming out didn't really disrupt her concept of me.
I hope things get better. Stay strong.
*hugs*

It's going to be hard to transition in that kind of environment. You could probably do a few things to improve it, though.

#1 is obviously getting a job or finding something that supports your creative and/or productive development as a human being. Being a consuming body in the house doesn't help anyone, not even yourself! I know you're getting turned down by jobs, but never give up. You will find one, and I guarantee you she will appreciate it even if she doesn't say so.

#2 do some nice things for her to show her how much you love her no matter what. Deep down I think most parents operate on the "unconditional love" principal. Finding a way to show her how much you care will not only make you feel good about your relationship with her, it also might help her through the denial phase as Shantel mentioned. It's the real deal- even my mom who reacted amazingly still went through a period where she questioned it a LOT and had many worries about my looks/presentation/mentality and at times was caught up by disbelief.

#3 slow downnnnn. She's going to need time to get through it, especially because you are so close emotionally and proximally. Talk about it less, make it not so big of a deal, but always be open to talk about it a little bit at most. Don't take every chance you get to bust out into a serious soul searching conversation. It might tire her out and it sounds like she's already way overwhelmed. Slow down the pace for her, and in time she will eventually be able to sort it out in her own head.

many hearts for you <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I wish you the best

Please do keep us updated. I really hope I can somehow help!

Quote from: Jennygirl on June 26, 2013, 03:31:14 AM
It's going to be hard to transition in that kind of environment. You could probably do a few things to improve it, though.

#1 is obviously getting a job or finding something that supports your creative and/or productive development as a human being. Being a consuming body in the house doesn't help anyone, not even yourself! I know you're getting turned down by jobs, but never give up. You will find one, and I guarantee you she will appreciate it even if she doesn't say so.

#2 do some nice things for her to show her how much you love her no matter what. Deep down I think most parents operate on the "unconditional love" principal. Finding a way to show her how much you care will not only make you feel good about your relationship with her, it also might help her through the denial phase as Shantel mentioned. It's the real deal- even my mom who reacted amazingly still went through a period where she questioned it a LOT and had many worries about my looks/presentation/mentality and at times was caught up by disbelief.

#3 slow downnnnn. She's going to need time to get through it, especially because you are so close emotionally and proximally. Talk about it less, make it not so big of a deal, but always be open to talk about it a little bit at most. Don't take every chance you get to bust out into a serious soul searching conversation. It might tire her out and it sounds like she's already way overwhelmed. Slow down the pace for her, and in time she will eventually be able to sort it out in her own head.

many hearts for you <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I wish you the best

Please do keep us updated. I really hope I can somehow help!

On point one, I'm working on it.  I still have some responses coming in for interviews, so we'll see.  For now, I will just keep sending out as many applications as possible.

#2.  I'm always trying to do things with my mom and make her feel special.  But lately she doesn't want me around.  Trying to hug her turns into a cry fest with a look of disgust on her face.

#3.  Believe me, I'm trying to avoid it.  However, they keep throwing things at me.  Every day they want a deep conversation which leads to everyone telling me "I'm wrong, destroying the family, etc..".   It's getting to be too much at this point. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 26, 2013, 10:56:33 AM
On point one, I'm working on it.  I still have some responses coming in for interviews, so we'll see.  For now, I will just keep sending out as many applications as possible.

#2.  I'm always trying to do things with my mom and make her feel special.  But lately she doesn't want me around.  Trying to hug her turns into a cry fest with a look of disgust on her face.

#3.  Believe me, I'm trying to avoid it.  However, they keep throwing things at me.  Every day they want a deep conversation which leads to everyone telling me "I'm wrong, destroying the family, etc..".   It's getting to be too much at this point.

During conversation time you could reverse things and ask them if they knew for certain in their heart and soul that they were actually living stuck in a gender opposite from who they really are, then how would they expect you to respond to and treat them? Would they expect to be treated with love and civility or with open hostility

Quote from: Shantel on June 26, 2013, 11:20:34 AM
During conversation time you could reverse things and ask them if they knew for certain in their heart and soul that they were actually living stuck in a gender opposite from who they really are, then how would they expect you to respond to and treat them? Would they expect to be treated with love and civility or with open hostility

I've tried that one: it doesn't work.  My mom said she was born a girl and can't imagine being a guy.  Even if she felt that way internally, she would make the best of it because she doesn't believe this is right.  She would rather suffer internally and find some other form of happiness before transitioning.  And she asked me how I'd react if she did this.  When I said I would accept it despite the initial shock, she told me I was a liar and wasn't being honest.  So it's like talking to a wall no matter what angle I take. 

You just can't talk to some people. She may not listen to reason but you need to tell her how much she is hurting you and that you accept that she doesn't understand but it isn't right to want you to suffer forever. You are just being honest about who you are why is that so selfish? I'd say this to your sisters as well and try to bring them on board. They were your allies last week and now they are changing their tune. No offense but that's pretty weak on their part to not stand their ground because that might make the difference in bringing your mom on board.

I would avoid wherever they are as much as possible. Don't you have a room you can stay in? I know isolating yourself isn't good but they need to miss you.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 26, 2013, 11:38:15 AM
I've tried that one: it doesn't work.  My mom said she was born a girl and can't imagine being a guy.  Even if she felt that way internally, she would make the best of it because she doesn't believe this is right.  She would rather suffer internally and find some other form of happiness before transitioning.  And she asked me how I'd react if she did this.  When I said I would accept it despite the initial shock, she told me I was a liar and wasn't being honest.  So it's like talking to a wall no matter what angle I take.

I always try and give positive leaning advice because after all we don't want our families to fall apart over a real life changing decision, but it sure seems to me that you're in a terribly toxic situation that may not get any better. I think you may need to move elsewhere. I don't know how old you are, but have been assuming that you are an adult from the way you write. Other than being unemployed currently is there anything stopping you from moving out?

ooh BTW even if your family won't say it right now with feeling I will: I love you. And that may seem strange because I may never meet you, or laugh with you, hold hand with you, or cry with you but I hope you understand what I mean what I mean when I say I love you, I love you with all my heart.

I don't think it would help, honestly, but I would more try to get her to picture herself being born male and being forced to live the rest of her life as a hairy man and being shuffled into male circles and be expected to be mr. manly all the time but, still, always be inside her wrong body with the mind she has now.  I think that will be easier for her to imagine because we are our minds, not our bodies.  It's so hard to picture having a different mind.

Quote from: Jen on June 26, 2013, 11:55:07 AM
I don't think it would help, honestly, but I would more try to get her to picture herself being born male and being forced to live the rest of her life as a hairy man and being shuffled into male circles and be expected to be mr. manly all the time but, still, always be inside her wrong body with the mind she has now.  I think that will be easier for her to imagine because we are our minds, not our bodies.  It's so hard to picture having a different mind.

I've tried this.  It doesn't really seem to work.  She finds a reason to say why she would love to be a man and find happiness. 

Quote from: Shantel on June 26, 2013, 11:45:40 AM
I always try and give positive leaning advice because after all we don't want our families to fall apart over a real life changing decision, but it sure seems to me that you're in a terribly toxic situation that may not get any better. I think you may need to move elsewhere. I don't know how old you are, but have been assuming that you are an adult from the way you write. Other than being unemployed currently is there anything stopping you from moving out?

It's purely a finance issue.  I'm 24 so I'm fairly old at this point to being living at home, but in my area of NY it's difficult to get your own place.  Even once a get a job, the rent here will be difficult to afford with all the transitioning costs I will face.  Plus, I am working on going to grad school for next year, so I can finally work towards getting my ph.d.  Studying for the GRE and preparing for everything has taken times (and eventually financial investment) as well.  Still, I have to try, but I don't want to leave my mom torn apart.  We have always been so close and it would hurt her if I left (especially like this)

Quote from: Joanna Dark on June 26, 2013, 11:49:19 AM
ooh BTW even if your family won't say it right now with feeling I will: I love you. And that may seem strange because I may never meet you, or laugh with you, hold hand with you, or cry with you but I hope you understand what I mean what I mean when I say I love you, I love you with all my heart.

Thank you Joanna.  I appreciate it. 

Some kind of silver lining.  My mom might come to meet my therapist next week.  A little scared as she told me she wants the "transgender therapist to go .... herself", and that she is brainwashing me like a cult leader, but I guess this might be progress. Hopefully, it is progress.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 26, 2013, 12:53:23 PM

It's purely a finance issue.  I'm 24 so I'm fairly old at this point to being living at home, but in my area of NY it's difficult to get your own place.  Even once a get a job, the rent here will be difficult to afford with all the transitioning costs I will face.  Plus, I am working on going to grad school for next year, so I can finally work towards getting my ph.d.  Studying for the GRE and preparing for everything has taken times (and eventually financial investment) as well.  Still, I have to try, but I don't want to leave my mom torn apart.  We have always been so close and it would hurt her if I left (especially like this)

You've got a lot on your plate hon, my best to you!

I hope everything works out hun.

-hugs-

Quote from: learningtolive on June 26, 2013, 12:53:23 PM
I've tried this.  It doesn't really seem to work.  She finds a reason to say why she would love to be a man and find happiness.

No offense to your mom but if she says that she is being glib or lying. What woman would want to be a man and forced into the men's room (When I go to the men's with how I look now I feel like I am being thrown to the lions), forced to try and bond with men and they never accepted me. I had this one good friend once and he had this whole group of male friends and eventually they got him to stop associating with me. This wasn't at age 15 this was in 2008. One of these so-called human beings would call me a ->-bleeped-<-got right to my face and this was when I was the only person dating a woman and engaged. I cut them off after that but wanted to still chill with my one friend. I'm barely friends with him now and he was supposed to be the best man at my never was wedding.

It just sounds so horrid when I think about being forced to be a guy and so so relieving now that it is over. If she really considers it, she will see how bad it is. Here's an anecdote for your mom. I'm sure it applies to you and many trans women. Before HRT and transition I never thought a good word about myself but then today I was thinking I am this smart but sassy cute bunot snobby and generous but not a doormat woman and felt good about myself. I didn't realize until now that I could actually think of myself in good terms. Let your mom know how shi??y you'll feel without HRT and how fabulous with it. Don't use the word fabulous lol

Just move out. .pack ip and leave the state.
It's your choice. 
You don't need anything more than a weks clothes
Tweezers and a file!!!

Some very great men and woman started with less than
You did...and accomplished the world...

Quote from: learningtolive on June 26, 2013, 12:53:23 PM

It's purely a finance issue.  I'm 24 so I'm fairly old at this point to being living at home, but in my area of NY it's difficult to get your own place.  Even once a get a job, the rent here will be difficult to afford with all the transitioning costs I will face.  Plus, I am working on going to grad school for next year, so I can finally work towards getting my ph.d.  Studying for the GRE and preparing for everything has taken times (and eventually financial investment) as well.  Still, I have to try, but I don't want to leave my mom torn apart.  We have always been so close and it would hurt her if I left (especially like this)

Thank you Joanna.  I appreciate it.

Hi Learningtolive,
Like a lot of people here, I have been following your story over the last three months and am very saddened by the way things have worked out for you over the last week. Based on everything you said beforehand, notably the support you had from your sisters and how close you were to your mother, I really thought it would work out better than that.

Against that, I can't help but think that a week is a really short time in a life and while this is probably not what you want to hear, until you are in a position to fly on your own wings, I am thinking that if the encounter between you mother and the therapist doesn't make a significant difference, your best option for now is to go very low profile on this whole subject.

To give you a sense of perspective, I first saw a psychiatrist about my dysphoria in 1981. At the time, I met with total incomprehension, so much so that I went straight back into my shell and didn't start coming out of it again until almost twenty years later.

There is no way you will ever have to do that as no matter what your situation now, knowing what you already know, if you focus first on gaining your independence , you will quickly be in a position to do whatever you like.

What I am saying is that time is on your side, you may just have to be a little more patient than you first thought.  If your entourage tries to force discussions on you, you can simply refuse the discussion saying that no one has anything to gain by forcing the issue now, that everyone needs time to take stock. For example you could say that you can and do understand how difficult it is for your mother but they also need to understand how difficult it is for you so best for all parties  would be to just leave things lie for a while.

Overall, given the dynamics of the situation you describe, my gut feeling is that the biggest issue for you right now, even before transitioning, should be gaining your financial independance. That will put you on a far more equal and healthy footing with your mother.

Again, I feel for you having to go through more turmoil than expected, a setback certainly, but when there is clarity of purpose, with time such set-backs are overcome and looking back, we often think that what appeared to be a really big deal at the time wasn't such a big deal afterall.

Wishing you all the very best.
Donna

Yeah I totally agree. When I first responded I was thinking... You just need to move out.

That is probably the most important thing imo- any way you can swing it.

I understand what everyone is saying.  I should probably move out and I may be getting kicked out (not forcefully but she may not be able to handle my transitioning under her roof), so I need to start finding a way to do so.  But it is hard.  I'm not established yet, I'm working on getting into grad school, I have to pay for transitioning costs, and need to pay for rent in NY.  It's easier said then done.  The main issue is I don't wan tto further damage my relationship.  My mom is everything to me.  And I know she is hurting.  Leaving her now would be taking away her life and best friend.  I don't feel that's necessarily right to do especially at this point.  I'll have to see how things go.  If it continues and I'm told I have to go, I should be prepared.  For now, I think I have to bite the bullet.  I'm leaving the door open for my mother to come to my support group and meet with my therapist.  She wants to in fact.  But she isn't accepting it at all.  However, today we had a nice dinner together and talked about other things.  Yes, this came back up once I got back from my hanging out with my friend and I had to hear her disapproval for an hour, but after that we talked together on the couch about other things.  Keeping my mom in my life is really important.  I don't think running away just yet is proper.  Preparing for it is one thing, but I want to give her the chance.  She deserves my understanding and patience at this time even if it sucks.  Besides, she needs me right now just as much as I need her.

I didn't want to write this, but I kind of need to put it down here.  My mom is a great person, so don't judge her harshly.  But she called me and the rest of trans people at my support group freaks tonight. That was probably the hardest thing I've heard.  I can handle being called male,boy, son, masculine, non feminine, etc.  But freak is dehumanizing.  I'm trying to be compassionate and understanding, but I keep getting ignorance thrown at me.  I'm trying to combat it with patience and hope that I will be able to win her over without running away, but it's really hard.  So I don't know.  I feel a sea of conflicting emotions (maybe that's just the estrogen talking,lol). Still I stand by my previous post and hope that I will be able to win her over and continue a strong relationship with her.  People say things when they are hurt so I forgive her, but it's not easy.  I'm going to maintain my relationship with her no matter what so I will get her on my side eventually.  I need her there and she needs me. 

You are being very grown-up in how you have been handling all this.  It has only been a few days, so I feel being patient for a while is totally reasonable and maybe the right thing to do.  There is a point, however, where it just becomes abuse.  Hopefully she will turn around before it gets there, but if it does, you just can't stay there taking it.  It will cause you permanent damage.  I mean it's one thing if she just doesn't like  it and is struggling with it a bit, but the things you have been describing go way past that.  And yes, we can say terrible things when we hurt, but those words came out, we can't take them back when we feel better.  I hope she realizes that.  You are treating her with so much respect, it's a shame she can't even come close to reciprocating.

I feel you have a plan though, even if it's just to figure a plan out at this point.  So just keep focused on that.  Hopefully it won't come down to you having to do anything drastic, but if it does, be prepared.