Quote from: Jen on June 26, 2013, 11:18:21 PM
You are being very grown-up in how you have been handling all this.  It has only been a few days, so I feel being patient for a while is totally reasonable and maybe the right thing to do.  There is a point, however, where it just becomes abuse.  Hopefully she will turn around before it gets there, but if it does, you just can't stay there taking it.  It will cause you permanent damage.  I mean it's one thing if she just doesn't like  it and is struggling with it a bit, but the things you have been describing go way past that.  And yes, we can say terrible things when we hurt, but those words came out, we can't take them back when we feel better.  I hope she realizes that.  You are treating her with so much respect, it's a shame she can't even come close to reciprocating.

I feel you have a plan though, even if it's just to figure a plan out at this point.  So just keep focused on that.  Hopefully it won't come down to you having to do anything drastic, but if it does, be prepared.

+1 Very mature attitude, I admire you for that! Jen is right though, be sure and have a plan-B scenario worked out if plan-A doesn't pan out well!

Let's face it – you have been hiding part of yourself for years from someone who thought they knew you and from someone whom you love.  You have good reasons for that – give them the reasons, help them understand.  One bite at a time.  When they bring up the topic comes up, tell them a short story of a specific incidence from you past where you had feeling of being a girl.  Something like "When I was six, I was jealous of a dress someone was wearing."  I hid this away because I was ashamed/didn't want to hurt you/didn't want public exposure etc. (pick one).  We should have talked then.  I realize that now that I was wrong/mistaken/not the best thing to do. I just wanted to be a normal boy. I am sorry."  You get four or five at most sentences to give the incidence, how you felt, why you did not say anything then and apologize for not speaking earlier.  Every time this comes up, you do the same thing with a different incident.  And don't make them recent – this gets you out of the "It's your friends/ the internet/ the counselor."  Use different descriptions and different words.  Over and over again.  No hugs unless they start it. Tears are good.

Also, every now and then, as you do this a few times, relate something that happened as a result of your feeling that was good.  For me (JLT1), as an example, my hiding from what I am led me to tremendous success in my career.  My hanging around my sister because she dressed so well and I was jealous meant I got to know one of her boyfriends and from there, played and enjoyed football.  It has to be something that brings up mutually shared and fond memories.  This is the opposite of above – the longer and more in-depth, the better.  You are firming up the relationship, making it stronger.

You love them – forgive everything NOW.  They do not understand, they are angry and lashing out.  It's the relationship that is important, the apologies come from you first, and then the apologies will come from them.  Swallow the pride, the hurt and your own (justifiable) anger for the sake of the relationship. I'm NOT saying this is right in anyway, it is only what works.

As far as I am aware, this is the only way to do it.  It carries a risk, they may feel you lied to them forever and you're not the person they thought.  However, this is the process your psychologist used with you to determine that you are transgender.  Your helping your family though the same process. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 26, 2013, 10:51:46 PM
I didn't want to write this, but I kind of need to put it down here.  My mom is a great person, so don't judge her harshly.  But she called me and the rest of trans people at my support group freaks tonight. That was probably the hardest thing I've heard.  I can handle being called male,boy, son, masculine, non feminine, etc.  But freak is dehumanizing.  I'm trying to be compassionate and understanding, but I keep getting ignorance thrown at me.  I'm trying to combat it with patience and hope that I will be able to win her over without running away, but it's really hard.  So I don't know.  I feel a sea of conflicting emotions (maybe that's just the estrogen talking,lol). Still I stand by my previous post and hope that I will be able to win her over and continue a strong relationship with her.  People say things when they are hurt so I forgive her, but it's not easy.  I'm going to maintain my relationship with her no matter what so I will get her on my side eventually.  I need her there and she needs me.

My step dad said that to me 3 days after I came out to him and my mom. It was really just him being worried about the hardships I might face from presenting as the opposite gender. But still, the words were harsh and there was nothing I could do but break down into tears and sob my eyes out in the back of the car.

He took note of how much it affected me and apologized. Luckily my mom helped a lot too.

I feel like she's going to come around. I know she will come around. You just have to go for presentation points when the time comes. And that point may be a little far off. She may even come around sooner than that.

There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself right now. You know you are right and soon she will see. There will be a hint of "I told you so" in the air when that happens. You won't have to mention it, but she will feel it and see it from your side... most likely she will feel guilty for ever questioning you.... eventually.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 26, 2013, 10:51:46 PM
I didn't want to write this, but I kind of need to put it down here.  My mom is a great person, so don't judge her harshly.  But she called me and the rest of trans people at my support group freaks tonight. That was probably the hardest thing I've heard.  I can handle being called male,boy, son, masculine, non feminine, etc.  But freak is dehumanizing.  I'm trying to be compassionate and understanding, but I keep getting ignorance thrown at me.  I'm trying to combat it with patience and hope that I will be able to win her over without running away, but it's really hard.  So I don't know.  I feel a sea of conflicting emotions (maybe that's just the estrogen talking,lol). Still I stand by my previous post and hope that I will be able to win her over and continue a strong relationship with her.  People say things when they are hurt so I forgive her, but it's not easy.  I'm going to maintain my relationship with her no matter what so I will get her on my side eventually.  I need her there and she needs me.

I actually snapped at my Sister for using the term, Freak. While I regret snapping back at her and causing a rift between us for a while, I think the time apart has been helpful.

I wish you had parents as loving and supportive as mine. I know how lucky I am and its hurtful in a way. I shouldn't be a lucky one in that respect. Everyone should be loved for who they are and who they want to be. Here's the thing. I'm getting to where I actually try and put them off transition. Not because it's a bad thing, but because its a life not for the faint of heart. Who the hell wants to lose family, friends, a job, or even their life just for being true to themselves?
I know that your Mum is scared. And I know you are too. But hang in there. perhaps give her some space and time. Ask her to do some research of her own. I know you are close to her but it's a lot for her to process.  Let her know that therapists, that have dealt with trans issues anyway, are trained to help you figure out if transition is right for you. and they can help explain things to your Mum.

*hugs* I truly wish you're act of courage was met with an equal amout of compassion.

Thanks everyone for your support.

It's continuing to be a rough week.  Since I have posted, I have received more employment rejection letters and still seem to be struggling with finding a way to improve my financial situation in the event I need to make a run for the hills,lol.  I feel like I'm in a limbo situation where I have too much experience and education for positions that I'm qualified for and too little experience and education for other positions.  I can't seem to find the right spot.  But damn me for being a social science nerd and not considering that my passion offers very little employment opportunities at the undergraduate level.  Oh well, grad school will come soon enough.

As for my mom, things are not improving.  She is no longer yelling at me, but now she  is sort of ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment.  The other day I hugged her on the couch for about a half an hour hoping for some response.  Well, she just starred at the TV and acted like I was a ghost.  It's been like this lately.  She told me she'd come meet my therapist and I scheduled a very late session so she could make it, but now she won't even answer me regarding whether she will attend or not.  It's like I don't exist or something.  And worst of all my sister who was supportive has taken a neutral stance on everything.  Like it's okay for me to be treated poorly and she shouldn't say anything.  I just wish she could stand up for me a little.  Especially when my mom called me a freak.  I would have done so for her.  But I guess it's the same old story at this point.  I suppose it's an improvement to be ignored than yelled at.  At least she is demanding I stop taking hormones, see my therapist, talk to friends and post on support sites.  A few days ago she told me she was going to steal my computer and phone and have me kidnapped by people that will talk sense into me,lol.  I guess to isolate me and force me into a strict conversion therapy,lol. Now, it's like I'm not even there.  So, I suppose it's a bitter sweet improvement. 

Quote from: JLT1 on June 27, 2013, 11:24:08 AM
Let's face it – you have been hiding part of yourself for years from someone who thought they knew you and from someone whom you love.  You have good reasons for that – give them the reasons, help them understand.  One bite at a time.  When they bring up the topic comes up, tell them a short story of a specific incidence from you past where you had feeling of being a girl.  Something like "When I was six, I was jealous of a dress someone was wearing."  I hid this away because I was ashamed/didn't want to hurt you/didn't want public exposure etc. (pick one).  We should have talked then.  I realize that now that I was wrong/mistaken/not the best thing to do. I just wanted to be a normal boy. I am sorry."  You get four or five at most sentences to give the incidence, how you felt, why you did not say anything then and apologize for not speaking earlier.  Every time this comes up, you do the same thing with a different incident.  And don't make them recent – this gets you out of the "It's your friends/ the internet/ the counselor."  Use different descriptions and different words.  Over and over again.  No hugs unless they start it. Tears are good.

Also, every now and then, as you do this a few times, relate something that happened as a result of your feeling that was good.  For me (JLT1), as an example, my hiding from what I am led me to tremendous success in my career.  My hanging around my sister because she dressed so well and I was jealous meant I got to know one of her boyfriends and from there, played and enjoyed football.  It has to be something that brings up mutually shared and fond memories.  This is the opposite of above – the longer and more in-depth, the better.  You are firming up the relationship, making it stronger.

You love them – forgive everything NOW.  They do not understand, they are angry and lashing out.  It's the relationship that is important, the apologies come from you first, and then the apologies will come from them.  Swallow the pride, the hurt and your own (justifiable) anger for the sake of the relationship. I'm NOT saying this is right in anyway, it is only what works.

As far as I am aware, this is the only way to do it.  It carries a risk, they may feel you lied to them forever and you're not the person they thought.  However, this is the process your psychologist used with you to determine that you are transgender.  Your helping your family though the same process. 

Thank you for the advice.  I actually have tried explaining things to her and giving her particular situations.  All she does in response is tell me I'm brainwashed, joined a cult, I'm confused, someone is manipulating my mind, I'm misinterpreting my own feelings, I'm lying or simply don't know myself, and there are plenty of other explanations than being trans.  Lately we haven't even talked.  In the past 3 days, we have hardly even communicated with one another, so I don't know where her mind is now.  But if feels like she is just giving me the silent treatment more than anything. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 29, 2013, 10:56:00 AM

Thank you for the advice.  I actually have tried explaining things to her and giving her particular situations.  All she does in response is tell me I'm brainwashed, joined a cult, I'm confused, someone is manipulating my mind, I'm misinterpreting my own feelings, I'm lying or simply don't know myself, and there are plenty of other explanations than being trans.  Lately we haven't even talked.  In the past 3 days, we have hardly even communicated with one another, so I don't know where her mind is now.  But if feels like she is just giving me the silent treatment more than anything.

Sounds pretty normal to me. You could have heard what I heard once. "You must be demon possessed, OMG we'll have to get an exorcist!" My youngest son, in his late 30's sent me an email saying that he's no longer a member of my family and disowns me, then he had his last name legally changed. I haven't seen him in more than five years and when I look at the family photo montage and see his little boy photos my eyes start tearing up again. Hang in there sweetie, you're going to survive this, so far you seem to be dealing with it very gracefully.

Quote from: Shantel on June 29, 2013, 11:12:07 AM
Sounds pretty normal to me. You could have heard what I heard once. "You must be demon possessed, OMG we'll have to get an exorcist!" My youngest son, in his late 30's sent me an email saying that he's no longer a member of my family and disowns me, then he had his last name legally changed. I haven't seen him in more than five years and when I look at the family photo montage and see his little boy photos my eyes start tearing up again. Hang in there sweetie, you're going to survive this, so far you seem to be dealing with it very gracefully.

OMG that's horrible. I'm so so so so sorry. People can be so cruel.

Wow Shan, I had no idea. I would have never guessed you had gone through such a thing. The fact that you remain a shining beacon of positivity and inspiration regardless of your history with your youngest son slays me, and it just makes you all the more inspiring

Quote from: Jennygirl on June 29, 2013, 02:24:12 PM
Wow Shan, I had no idea. I would have never guessed you had gone through such a thing. The fact that you remain a shining beacon of positivity and inspiration regardless of your history with your youngest son slays me, and it just makes you all the more inspiring

My take is that sh*t happens, it always comes from an a**hole, but they don't always remain a**holes and eventually forgiveness is in order and then all is right with the world. 

Well tonight was better.  My mom actually talked to me.  She came into my room and acknowledged that we haven't talked the past few days.  She then started to cry and told me that she is hoping for a miracle and will not let me do this, but she is going to come to the therapist.  I suppose sorrow and denial is better than anger and silence.  Hopefully this is more progress.

Quote from: Shantel on June 29, 2013, 11:12:07 AM
Sounds pretty normal to me. You could have heard what I heard once. "You must be demon possessed, OMG we'll have to get an exorcist!" My youngest son, in his late 30's sent me an email saying that he's no longer a member of my family and disowns me, then he had his last name legally changed. I haven't seen him in more than five years and when I look at the family photo montage and see his little boy photos my eyes start tearing up again. Hang in there sweetie, you're going to survive this, so far you seem to be dealing with it very gracefully.

Shantel, I'm so sorry about your son.  Do you have any communication with those in his life?  Perhaps they can talk to him?  Maybe there is a chance for reconciliation?  I wish there was something I could do.  I'm not one for prayer, but I know you believe in it and will say one for you in hopes that it will do some good.  No parent should be separated from their child.  It's not right.  However, thank you for sharing.  I know that must have been painful, but I do appreciate all your support through this time.

It sounds like she is going through the process of grief.  You probably recognize the stages.  I hope so much that she will arive at acceptance soon and start treating you better.  I feel so bad for you

Shantel, that is really terrible and I just want to give you a hug!

I hope that everything works out with your mom. I know my own mom and myself have a lot to still work working through and it is hard. I am sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. -hugs-

Shantel that is horrible. I hope things work out with your child.

Well, scratch the progress off.  She is now threatening to get rid of my medication and stop me from transitioning under her roof.  She yelled at me for an hour straight.  Honestly, **** her at this point.  I'm sick of her manipulating me emotionally.  I'm not her toy to bully.  I'm not doing anything wrong.  She is then telling me that I'm in the wrong for not dumping my friend, support groups, therapist and stop taking medication.  Yeah, who's being the selfish one?  How hard is it to read a book and learn about this stuff.  The stuff she says makes her sound like an ignorant hate tank.  She compared me to a bank robber and rapist tonight for what I'm doing.  I'm done being nice.  If she wants to be a ****, then she is going to have some competition.

Be careful. I know you are mad, but please be careful.

Susans is a great place to let off steam btw...  /hug

I agree with Bookworm. You need to be careful, even though I agree that she's starting to take this thing a bit too far. You'll need to be gentle, but you also need to assert yourself and make sure she understands that she's being irrational.

*hugs*
We're always here for you, and I'm so sorry for how your situation is currently.

Quote from: Jen on June 29, 2013, 11:32:41 PM


Susans is a great place to let off steam btw...  /hug

Hugs

Pick one that works best for you

Forgive me for my outburst.  It was childish to write all that here.  I want to scream and yell, but feel unable to do it at her.  Instead I have to sit and hear her compare me to a rapist for wanting to transition.  I'm doing the best I can to deal with her, but she is really testing me.  I don't know how much longer I can sit and explain the same things over again.  Shouldn't it seep in by now?  At least to some degree? 

My mom isn't kicking me out, but she is determined to stop this.  She makes threats that elude to kicking me out and stopping my transition; however, I doubt she will carry it out.  We had a very brief interaction and she is a little better. She is sleeping on the couch, so she didn't have the energy to continue perhaps.  But it was nice to have a pleasant makeup moment for two minutes.  But I have to be aware that she can snap at any moment.  She's been very unpredictable lately.  She's never supportive, but sometimes she is less hostile.  I guess I just need to put up with the abuse.  Hopefully, it will get better.

She compared you to a rapist? Eww. I know people say be gentle, be caring, be compassionate and all that but aren't we the ones transitoning? Aren't we the ones who are just trying to be ourselves? And don't we deserve some respect? Is being honest really so selfish? IDK, I just think your mom is going a little too far and she should either back off or accept you. That is the adult thing to do. She has made her opinion known and she should leave it at that. Emotionally abusing you is wrong. That being said I wouldn't say anything to her I would just ignore her and stop responding to her. More then anything, stay strong. *hugs*

Quote from: learningtolive on June 29, 2013, 11:57:42 PM
Forgive me for my outburst.  It was childish to write all that here.  I want to scream and yell, but feel unable to do it at her.  Instead I have to sit and hear her compare me to a rapist for wanting to transition.  I'm doing the best I can to deal with her, but she is really testing me.  I don't know how much longer I can sit and explain the same things over again.  Shouldn't it seep in by now?  At least to some degree? 

My mom isn't kicking me out, but she is determined to stop this.  She makes threats that elude to kicking me out and stopping my transition; however, I doubt she will carry it out.  We had a very brief interaction and she is a little better. She is sleeping on the couch, so she didn't have the energy to continue perhaps.  But it was nice to have a pleasant makeup moment for two minutes.  But I have to be aware that she can snap at any moment.  She's been very unpredictable lately.  She's never supportive, but sometimes she is less hostile.  I guess I just need to put up with the abuse.  Hopefully, it will get better.

There is nothing wrong with your post dear and there is nothing for you to apologize for

I no longer live with my folks, being someone who has suffered with a lot of abuse I can somewhat understand your situation and hope for things to work out and go well for you

Sometimes Often humor has been my best friend to help me work through and deal with it all

We are all here for you

Hugs

V M