Not literally. That'd mean a hospital, meaning having a wristband slapped on me with neatly printed letters proclaiming that I am *birthname* the female. According to my parents, that is all I'll ever be.

I'm not really sure who is worse at this point. My mother thinks she's some kind of saint for "avoiding pronouns" (badly, I might add) and thinks I should never be bothered by constant slip-ups. Those wouldn't happen if she actually tried using male pronouns instead of the ones she feels are "right". My dad shares this belief with her, and also delightfully informed me that the bathroom police would indeed drag me out of any male bathroom by my hair should I dare to set foot into one, because according to the way society views me, I am not allowed in one. He wasn't joking.

Now, I pass 99 percent of the time. The 1 percent is when my parents constantly insist someone calls me female, or I'm being dragged to a doctor where my chart is filled out saying that I am female. Well, barring one incident where someone decided that pink gaming consoles make a person turn female like magic, luckily the next time I saw her she corrected herself without me even prompting her or raising the topic. My mother's explanation is that I cut my hair, dress in boy clothes, and present myself as a male. No s**t, Sherlock! But then she cries about how it's not really me and I'm not really happy. Because that makes complete sense- even though I've never been happier in my entire life, the truth is that I'm unhappy...because she said so and clearly she knows better.

My dad? He thinks that people go along with it the way they go along with toddlers introducing themselves as a fairy princess magical superhero team. He said with conviction that the world sees me as a small, petite, and beautiful girl. I told him my mother subjected me to listening to her rave about the wonders of childbirth and carrying new life, and he told me that I could and that men could only wonder about that, finding it amusing when I told him I'd rather be dead than ever experience that. Honestly, it sounds dumb and a bit self-harming but it's a clear-cut fact that the cession of my own life would be a better option for me than the harboring of another in organs I'm not meant to have. His absolute assertion is that I will come out of this a "healthy girl", and says he is unable to be wrong because he cares too much. Hah, yeah right.

I can't talk to either of them, they're brick walls and both think that this is a passing phase brought about by mental trauma that happened after I already knew I was trans. My dad says that because they're in agreement and rarely agree on anything, then I know they must be right. He won't budge from saying that I know nothing about myself and if I had gone to the high school that he works at that I would have met like-minded people and this wouldn't be happening. He tells me about old friends who wonder "why she cut off all her beautiful hair", something I doubt considering all but maybe one know my situation directly from me, as if I'm really supposed to care. I don't.

They make my decision to cut ties easier with every argument. I really hope they're sorry when they realize the damage they've done and how they lost a son, their only child. As the path I know must be chosen confirms itself, I steadily lose the ability to regret what I'm going to do, which is for the better, I guess. That way it won't hurt when I leave them and don't look back.

Sometimes you have to wipe the slate clean and start over.   It's strangely somber and exhileratingly liberating at the same time; scared ->-bleeped-<-less at times also I remember.   Resist the urge to 'burn the bridges' though as time has a way of changing people sometimes.   Choose who you call Friends wisely from this point on as they become the saftynet that family usually is.   I wish you all the best and know that your sucesses to come are your greatest vindication and affirmation of your true self.       

Max, I am sorry things aren't getting any better at home. Just keep remembering that they're only going to be "in charge" for a short while longer, then you're free to go where you want. I do agree with Lori Kat here:

Quote from: Lorri Kat on July 10, 2013, 08:27:25 PM
  Resist the urge to 'burn the bridges' though as time has a way of changing people sometimes.   Choose who you call Friends wisely from this point on as they become the saftynet that family usually is.   

Always be the better person, it's easy to get angry and say hurtful things when others are putting you down, but if you don't burn the bridges, they'll realize what they've lost sooner and maybe in a few years they'll change their minds. Like others on this board have said, sometimes parents don't change pronouns until someone has been on T for a few years. Things move slowly sometimes, people are products of what they've been told by their parents, society and the media while they were growing up, and it can take awhile to break that conditioning. Just remember that you're your own beautiful person. 

I just hope what you're going to do isn't anything too rash. . . "leave them and don't look back" could mean a lot of things. Shoot me a PM if you need to talk.

Edit: fix typo

No, even if I wanted to I wouldn't because I haven't done anything with my life quite yet. Besides, I can't take my life and end it as a legal female! But anyway, it is really for the best that I get out of this household as soon as I go away for college, even if only to have asylum for the first time in my life.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on July 10, 2013, 08:53:31 PM
But anyway, it is really for the best that I get out of this household as soon as I go away for college, even if only to have asylum for the first time in my life.

Get studying for those SATs and get out of there! 

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on July 10, 2013, 07:54:23 PM
They make my decision to cut ties easier with every argument. I really hope they're sorry when they realize the damage they've done and how they lost a son, their only child. As the path I know must be chosen confirms itself, I steadily lose the ability to regret what I'm going to do, which is for the better, I guess. That way it won't hurt when I leave them and don't look back.

I so hear you.

I had a massive argument last night with my soon-to-be-ex-Hubby because he made yet another crummy decision to exclude me from a family event. During the course of the argument, I told him that whilst I'm doing my best to treat him well during our separation and eventual divorce, every single time he repeatedly hurts me in this way it makes it much more difficult for me to want to treat him well. I sat in the car, furious beyond rational thought, thinking that I'm just about at that point where I'm ready to completely & utterly take him to the cleaners.

And just like you, every time he treats me in this way it just confirms in my mind that I'm doing the right thing. Because people who are willing to treat us like this do not have our best interests at heart, no matter what they might try to say to themselves to appease their own guilty consciences.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on July 10, 2013, 08:53:31 PM
Besides, I can't take my life and end it as a legal female!

This very thought is one of the main reasons why I'm still here.

I received the gift of another rant not a minute after I woke up from my mother. The dog cried at me to let her out (she was in my room the night before and the door has to be shut when the A/C is on) and I did. Like a good number of other guys, I sleep in boxer briefs and a shirt. She apparently is sickened by me wearing them and feels the need to inform me that wearing socks in them will not make me grow a penis. I mean yeah, but at least it makes a little more sense for something to physically be there rather than feeling something and being reminded by the lack of its presence in the outside world all the time. Though she wouldn't understand.

How do they expect therapy to do anything if they won't address the problem they're making? Honestly, I could deal with being trans just fine if I had their support. When I'm out and about and passing everywhere, I feel normal. The problem nearly dissolves itself, except for jealousy's bite when I see a boy or man without a shirt or the way they can go use a urinal without incident whereas I have to hide myself under so many layers until my chest stops feeling soft and use the stall instead. But I could fix at least one of those things, and I'd be able to get T with parental consent instead of sitting here knowing that there are obnoxiously high levels of the wrong hormone trying to shape me into something I don't want to be.

My dad told me if he had the chance, he'd want to be a girl. He wasn't serious about it, and it's infuriating that he could take my issues so lightly and essentially flip me off like that. Even better, while going to get an MRI of my hip all he could do was ask about his own hip and getting things done for him rather than the fact that his kid has been in severe pain for the better part of a decade and is only now getting things really checked out because there were other health issues to worry about in the past and it just kept getting bumped back. He complained that he wasn't given an MRI with the arthrogram, meanwhile I'm one of those wonderful people with an allergy to the contrast dye so they refused to do it and now when they schedule it next time I need a taper treatment of immunosuppressants so that I don't die while they're trying to look for a labral tear.

Neither of them take me seriously, I don't know how to get through to them and it seems like I never will. I wish there were some way to go back and start my life again, doing it right this time over. Hah...everyone thinks I'm a little kid, maybe between that and the mystery of my disappearing paper trail I could go get adopted into a nice loving family and have a good childhood this time.
Okay, I kid. It'd be nice though. I don't think I'll be living as an adult even after college, just a self-sufficient kid. Not that there's a problem with that, though.

I feel for you so hard every time I read your posts. My relationship with my parents was so much like this was I was a teenager, and it absolutely tore me up. It's hard when you're a minor and there's nothing you can do but hold on and make it through school. I wasn't out as trans to my parents in high school, and they didn't know I liked girls either...I was a "straight girl" on my best behavior, and I still had things said to me that I will never be able to forgive, because they still linger in my mind now.

That being said, I can tell you one thing from my experiences. This isn't about you, or about your transition. As soon as my dad found out I liked women, and later that I was trans, it was his go to excuse for everything he did. "Oh, well this is so hard to deal with!" That's what he tells everyone. But it's a lie, because he was almost worse before I was out as any of those things. I've thought about these things for many years now, trying to piece it together, and I have come to the conclusion that my parents are very damaged people in their own right. When they got frustrated with me, for whatever reason, instead of trying to communicate, they would do things they knew were hurtful just to shut me up. They didn't care, as long as I didn't make a squeak and did what they wanted, it didn't matter what means were used to get that result. They got frustrated, and they got lazy. And that was wrong. I wasn't an adult. I was on my way to becoming one. I wasn't capable of functioning as an adult in that relationship - although I wasn't a bad kid by any means (no drink, no drugs, no cellphone, no parties, top grades), if they believed there to be a problem, they were my parents and it was THEIR responsibility to find a way to guide their child and lead me to adulthood. Their abuse and criticism did nothing to help me grow, if anything, it has stunted me significantly. Relationships are hard for me because no one taught me to function in a loving relationship with others. All I've ever known is manipulation and hurt, and I should have been taught better because that's an adult's responsibility. That's part of having a child, sorry to say. I'm not saying either of us needed guidance as no one chooses to be trans, but your parents have the responsibility to care for your emotional development and they are failing, big time.

So I'll repeat two things that you need to remember:

1. It's not your fault.
2. Don't try to hold yourself to any high expectations in terms of communicating with these people. Don't feel you have to say the right thing, or do the right thing, to make them "get it." You don't owe them that, because you are not the parent - they are, and they failed in their duty to take care of you. My advice, stay under the radar, work hard, do your best to set yourself up for your future, and just walk away as soon as you can.