Stealth Doesn't Help The Trans Community

http://www.transadvocate.com/stealth-doesnt-help-the-trans-community.htm
7/25/13
Monica Roberts

The topic of stealth vs. out blows up in our discussions in Trans World from time to time, and we're currently engaged in another round of debate about it across the Transosphere in the discussions surrounding the jacked up firing from OUTServe-SLDN of Allyson Robinson.

My attitude about stealth is well documented throughout the history of this blog.   Being stealth DOESN'T help the trans community. It only helps those who are stealth.  Stealth transpeople can tell themselves that to salve their egos all day long, but the reality is only being out and proud of being trans has led to the major gains we've made in the public policy realm the last few years

"We're not saying you have to be an activist, wear a t-shirt announcing your trans status or introduce yourself as such to every person you meet, but you have an obligation to help advance the human rights of the trans community you belong to."

I don't care - I was innocently walking down the street - a man took me for cis - gendered and when he got my clothes off and found out I was trans he started beating me to death, smashed my head against the cement -

I will be stealth until the day I die - I have no obligation to her or anyone else to get killed again! as long a cis gender people are this prejudice I am going to hide, and If it is ever possible for me to escape this blighted ignorant nation I am going to.

Quote from: vegie271 on July 31, 2013, 09:59:01 AM


"We're not saying you have to be an activist, wear a t-shirt announcing your trans status or introduce yourself as such to every person you meet, but you have an obligation to help advance the human rights of the trans community you belong to."

I don't care - I was innocently walking down the street - a man took me for cis - gendered and when he got my clothes off and found out I was trans he started beating me to death, smashed my head against the cement -

I will be stealth until the day I die - I have no obligation to her or anyone else to get killed again! as long a cis gender people are this prejudice I am going to hide, and If it is ever possible for me to escape this blighted ignorant nation I am going to.

I'm sorry that happened to you I really am. But how would living in stealth prevent this from happening again? Would you have just settled for being raped?  If he knew you were trans he would have not attacked some other unfortunate woman. Women have to live with this very real threat everyday. It's unfortunate you feel you can't live your life because of one very sick person. Please don't let this ruin your how you see people. Their are good people out there just remember that. 

I hate to disabuse people's ideas of STEALTH, but truly stealth folks will not even be posting on sites such as this one.  Any help we give to our brothers and sisters, even by just listening and reading and once in a brief while replying with something helpful is a form of activism for and in the GD world population.  Certainly choose your level of comfort, but stealth is just another closet.  Being active here and on other sites that promote health and well being for our questioning and learning folks that may or may not be GD is not stealth, it is pride. 

Quote from: Vicky on July 31, 2013, 11:20:49 AM
I hate to disabuse people's ideas of STEALTH, but truly stealth folks will not even be posting on sites such as this one.  Any help we give to our brothers and sisters, even by just listening and reading and once in a brief while replying with something helpful is a form of activism for and in the GD world population.  Certainly choose your level of comfort, but stealth is just another closet.  Being active here and on other sites that promote health and well being for our questioning and learning folks that may or may not be GD is not stealth, it is pride.

This is true. This site represents such a minute portion of the TG community.

I think I've posted this before somewhere but I feel some activists really need to step back and decide whether they want to be part of the struggle or part of the solution.

I'm out, or open, because I've overcome the stigma and the struggles and learned to deal with the issues. I'm not a victim because I'm trans, I don't need anybody's help and nobody owes me anything.

I support those who do choose stealth. Stealth is part of nature. Polar bears are white. Snakes which live in trees tend to be green. If you feel it's your way then live your life your way and walk your own individual path.

All this One True Way stuff and Major Path is counterproductive to 'the community' anyway. We're not sitting round giving each other group hugs and singing kumbaya because trans isn't the basis of our identity, but either male or female.

Quote from: Heather on July 31, 2013, 10:21:04 AM
I'm sorry that happened to you I really am. But how would living in stealth prevent this from happening again? Would you have just settled for being raped?  If he knew you were trans he would have not attacked some other unfortunate woman. Women have to live with this very real threat everyday. It's unfortunate you feel you can't live your life because of one very sick person. Please don't let this ruin your how you see people. Their are good people out there just remember that. 

no - I am just going to be living in stealth to keep my self safe from other things - he had no idea I was trans either - the thing is  I have been open before and been pursued online and heted openly - he did this to me BECAUSE I WAS TRANS IS THE POINT - the hate is towards trans and I just want away from that

While there is no way I'll go around advertising I'm trans or anything. The only time I talk about it is with those who are close to me. But I would never consider myself stealth ever no matter how well I pass.
Because really spent most of my life in stealth already pretending to be a man. Because really if you think about the fact you have to say your stealth is just saying I'm hiding who I am.
If you choose to live that way awesome that's cool.  But really I'm not going to spend the rest of my life living in paranoia looking over my shoulder wondering if I've been found out. To me that is no way to live. So yeah I'm going try to live my life as close as I can to normal. But I'm sure not going to be looking over my shoulder and coming up with lies that is no way to live. 
But that is how I choose to live my life I really am fine with people who do live in stealth. I really don't go around thinking I'm living the perfect life. Because I'm not and I sure don't have all the answers in life. But I'm going to live my life without fear and always stay in the light. 

Quote from: Heather on July 31, 2013, 12:01:46 PM
While there is no way I'll go around advertising I'm trans or anything. The only time I talk about it is with those who are close to me. But I would never consider myself stealth ever no matter how well I pass.
Because really spent most of my life in stealth already pretending to be a man. Because really if you think about the fact you have to say your stealth is just saying I'm hiding who I am.
If you choose to live that way awesome that's cool.  But really I'm not going to spend the rest of my life living in paranoia looking over my shoulder wondering if I've been found out. To me that is no way to live. So yeah I'm going try to live my life as close as I can to normal. But I'm sure not going to be looking over my shoulder and coming up with lies that is no way to live. 
But that is how I choose to live my life I really am fine with people who do live in stealth. I really don't go around thinking I'm living the perfect life. Because I'm not and I sure don't have all the answers in life. But I'm going to live my life without fear and always stay in the light. 

it is nice you have people you can trust - every person I have ever trusted in my life has betrayed me

Quote from: vegie271 on July 31, 2013, 11:48:34 AM


no - I am just going to be living in stealth to keep my self safe from other things - he had no idea I was trans either - the thing is  I have been open before and been pursued online and heted openly - he did this to me BECAUSE I WAS TRANS IS THE POINT - the hate is towards trans and I just want away from that

I really am fine with you living in stealth. You have to do what's best for you and I'm in know way judging you. So stay safe girl and do what's best for you. And don't ever feel like your wrong for making that choice. I can be opinionated at times but trust me I don't think I'm better than anyone. I do what's best for me and you should do what's best for you. 

Quote from: vegie271 on July 31, 2013, 12:05:24 PM


it is nice you have people you can trust - every person I have ever trusted in my life has betrayed me

I'll admit I have been lucky. Yes I still have my emotional scars from when I was outed in high school. So I can understand how betrayal feels. But please don't let bitterness consume you. Life is way too short too spend it miserable and alone. I know betrayal hurts but please find it within yourself to forgive those who have betrayed you. Not for them but for yourself! 

Having accepted myself as trans and working through transition as a well known activist in this little community I do not have the option to go stealth unless we move from our home of 34 years.  No way in hell this girl is going to hide again, passable or not.  I fully accept that others have a much different life path and perspectives that are equally valid.  The point remains, however, that stealth does not support the understanding, acceptance and ultimately legal changes and protections we need to advance to equality.  This is no litmus test of who is a better trans person but reflects the reality of how we make cultural changes.  Someone needs to be out front.
Because I am now known as a trans activist, people feel comfortable approaching me, commenting on my appearance and asking questions.  It can sometimes be a challenge to educate others in the middle isle of the grocery store but that is how it works for me.  Some very positive support, resources, references and role models are then available for this local rural area as more of us are "out and proud."  Since my transition was on the front page of the daily paper we have seen a dramatic increase in the number of people coming out, exploring and hopefully learning more about their neighbors and themselves in real time.  It really is OK to be stealth and it helps even more of us to be "out" there.

Tessa James

Quote from: Tessa James on July 31, 2013, 12:41:52 PM
Having accepted myself as trans and working through transition as a well known activist in this little community I do not have the option to go stealth unless we move from our home of 34 years.  No way in hell this girl is going to hide again, passable or not.  I fully accept that others have a much different life path and perspectives that are equally valid.  The point remains, however, that stealth does not support the understanding, acceptance and ultimately legal changes and protections we need to advance to equality.  This is no litmus test of who is a better trans person but reflects the reality of how we make cultural changes.  Someone needs to be out front.
Because I am now known as a trans activist, people feel comfortable approaching me, commenting on my appearance and asking questions.  It can sometimes be a challenge to educate others in the middle isle of the grocery store but that is how it works for me.  Some very positive support, resources, references and role models are then available for this local rural area as more of us are "out and proud."  Since my transition was on the front page of the daily paper we have seen a dramatic increase in the number of people coming out, exploring and hopefully learning more about their neighbors and themselves in real time.  It really is OK to be stealth and it helps even more of us to be "out" there.

Tessa James

see that is just it - I have no ties to this community - the house I had - I bought it with a wife who committed suicide 10 years ago - and it fell apart so I abandoned it - so no ties there - I  have no friends - and the LGBT community is really no support to me - they won't even give me a ride to events when my bike has a flat tire - even though I have supported them for 6 years - leaving here is nothing there is no support for me here and possible support in a new place.

I paid an awfully high price for going through all this in the 1960s and 70s and it just about cost me my life. I was almost ALWAYS the first TS medical people had seen and had to educate the care-givers. I had to break down doors. I had to fight for legislative changes (ID, birth certificate, etc.) I had to convince people it was the right thing to do and disappearing into the woodwork was the best possible proof of the effectiveness of treatment. I fought this battle when we were small in number and there was virtually NO support.

I EARNED my years of stealth and I left doors open for others to follow so anybody who tells me I should be "out and proud" is not going to get a favourable reception from me!

QuoteI hate to disabuse people's ideas of STEALTH, but truly stealth folks will not even be posting on sites such as this one. "

Horse hockey! If I didn't CARE I wouldn't be posting but reading and posting on-line has nothing to do with my day to day life.

Quote from: Northern Jane on July 31, 2013, 03:39:07 PM
I paid an awfully high price for going through all this in the 1960s and 70s and it just about cost me my life. I was almost ALWAYS the first TS medical people had seen and had to educate the care-givers. I had to break down doors. I had to fight for legislative changes (ID, birth certificate, etc.) I had to convince people it was the right thing to do and disappearing into the woodwork was the best possible proof of the effectiveness of treatment. I fought this battle when we were small in number and there was virtually NO support.

I EARNED my years of stealth and I left doors open for others to follow so anybody who tells me I should be "out and proud" is not going to get a favourable reception from me!

Northern Jane I agree that you earned your place and I feel very grateful for you as a brave pioneer who helped open doors.  It is difficult to be objective about much of our transition and I am relatively new to this so, I try to respectfully avoid terms like "should" for another's life choices. 
Even today in the cosmopolitan City of Portland Oregon I find I am frequently the "first" out trans person many of my former medical colleagues have ever met, talked or worked with.  The is so very much education needed and so few of us to lend a hand.  I will continue to be out and proud while respecting your well earned stealth status.

Tessa James

At the end of the day everybody has the right to choose what is best for them. Nobody should feel obligated to be open just to satisfy somebody else's sense of idealism.

Quote from: vegie271 on July 31, 2013, 03:22:00 PM


see that is just it - I have no ties to this community - the house I had - I bought it with a wife who committed suicide 10 years ago - and it fell apart so I abandoned it - so no ties there - I  have no friends - and the LGBT community is really no support to me - they won't even give me a ride to events when my bike has a flat tire - even though I have supported them for 6 years - leaving here is nothing there is no support for me here and possible support in a new place.

Vegie that sounds like a harsh situation for you and it is troubling that other "minority" people will sometimes turn their backs on us.  Still, you seem more optimistic about a restart in a new place and I can only wish you the very best in that fresh arena.  Hang on!

Tessa

My opinion is pretty simple - do what you feel you need to do, end of discussion.

I will observe that the gay community has made the inroads it did by being "out and proud" so that people began to see gays as just other human beings. But I will also observe that this didn't require every single gay person to be out.

Finally, I will observe that there are different degrees of "out" to consider. I will state flat out that if you believe you can be 100% stealth and you transitioned any time since 1990, then you are completely kidding yourself. With the rise of the internet, computerized (and therefore searchable) records, our ability to be 100% stealth is gone. However, most people practice a form of "mostly stealth" where they are out to some but not to most. How large "some" actually is varies. That's where I find myself, out to close friends and family, not out to the world at large.

How I will feel about that as I move through transition may change and I reserve the right to change how I feel about being "out" or how "out" I am. But knowing this, I will never, ever condemn a sister for her choice to be out or stealth or anything in between. Each of us has to find our own way. That some of us are fortunate and brave enough to be 100% out is something for which I am thankful but also something I cannot yet bring myself to be.

Quote from: LizMarie on August 02, 2013, 04:57:36 PM
But I will also observe that this didn't require every single gay person to be out.

That is a very good point I completely agree.