Wow, sunset, It must have really imprinted in my mind

Yesterday was a great day, my wife decided I needed to get out. So out we went, she took me to the spa and shopped. We got manicures and pedicures side by side. I was very apprehensive being all manly and getting my nails done. She kept saying men do this all the time don't worry, except I wasn't there as a man... at least in my head . When we were done with nails she said I should get my eye brows waxed. In my mind I could I could keep my secret to the world with nails but eyebrows? Everyone would see that, how could I explain?

Funny thing at this point I really felt like I had a dual personality. The voices in my head were at odds, best thing is Allie won out and I got them done, just a clean up but they look amazing. It's like Allie made this decision and I'd have to pick up the pieces. Very weird!

We then went shopping, as the day went on I was feeling more and comfortable looking at clothes. My wife and I wear the same size so I could kind of explain if I was ever cornered. Without getting into all the boring details, it was a great day, girls day out. I was so happy and feeling good. The only thing that got me down was my male reflection in the mirrors. When we got home we got to try on everything.

Actually had a good night sleep :icon_geekdance:s.

Cynthia Michelle I can't believe how much your therapy is helping. Everytime you post it's like you've had some type of breakthrough. That has to feel so consoling. I am concerned with trying to remember my childhood, a lot of these memories are buried, too much pain. Maybe the therapy will help with that. The Dr. I am trying to get a hold of is local and a gender specialist, only problem she's on vacation until next week. Patience, patience patience

Allie,
Where do you live? You don't have to be exact, the reason I ask is that there might be other gender therapists in your area that you are unaware of and others here may know.

Living in CT

There are likely a lot of qualified gender therapists in your area for sure.
Post here that you live in Connecticut and are searching for a GT.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,52.0.html

Depending on where in CT, a Dr. Woodson in Granby, MA. is very experienced (and was my therapist). http://www.masstherapist.com/

There's also a list kept on the UMass Amherst Stonewall Clinic site of qualified, vouched-for gender therapists.

Allie, I have been seeing the therapist for about 7.5 months. I really try to get well and not hide ( major issue ) and disclose, listen and think. I want to be well adjusted and myself. I can not get well if I do not tell all and really open up and clear up all the crap. I need to be in pretty good mental condition for the next 10 months. I think I am going in full speed and I need to be able to deal with new stuff. 

You have a fantastic wife who is really helping and welcoming. You are very fortunate.

So after about a week of leaving messages I was able to setup an appt for next week. When the phone rang I didn't want to answer it, not sure why I felt that way. I'm sure going to be apprehensive next Tuesday. Seems I have everything in control right now, not that having male and female arguments in my head is in control or rushing home from work to lock myself in the bedroom the rest of the night. Just that if something happens or opens up, I'm 44 and have never been to counciling. This whole thing scares the hell out of me!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I need something I can't go on this way, I am just so confused

Allie,
You just took the hardest step!!!
The gender therapist is going to be just fine with you. Just keep these 3 rules of transition in mind for your therapy sessions and you will do wonderfully.

1. Show up. (this one is vital...)
2. Do not worry.
3. Bring your sense of humor.

Get that down and it will be all gravy in a few months from now and you will wonder what all the fuss was about.

Congratulations Allie, you took the 1st step in helping yourself sort out your feelings and take action in helping yourself.

I went to the therapist today and we discussed:

She came down stairs and greeted me (1st time). She looked at me head toe and I felt like I am a failure. We walked upstairs and it was a long walk. She asked, "so what is happening with you"? I was upset and tears were in my eyes (my home work was to wear something feminine and it was recommended I go to Target and just buy something I like, a top, a bottom, make-up or jewelry). I explained I went to target and had a sharp pain in my head and I felt sick. Then I went to Wal-Mart and I felt like I was going to vomit. I drove away and tears streamed down my face and I was crying. I failed myself. I cried out what am I going to do and I remembered my sister gave me my Mom's necklace and bracelet I purchased her in May 1993. I wore those Items today. Alison looked at the items and said they are beautiful and they are and they are mine. 

(I loved My Mom and Dad very much and they did not know any different)

The therapist asked I go over the 1st time I wore woman's cloths and used make-up and the ensuing trauma with my Mom. I did. Then she asked I go over it as a 5 year old watching the events unfold. I did it 2 more times ( I kept going into the scene) Then I was asked to be an adult watching a 5 year old watching the events ( 2 or three times until I kept in the movie theater). I was a complete mess.

She then asked I return to Target while wearing my jewelry and imaging I am helping me as a 5 year old (me)buy something. If the next visit I can only walk the woman's section then do it.

I have been crying off and on since therapy.

This work is hard, but it is ultimately rewarding in the end.

It was just as hard for me to go into a store and buy myself womens things at first. it used to be a major stress inducing event to just walk into the womens clothing section. Complete with nausea and almost barfing from the knots in the stomach. Now, not so much. I feel really weird when we go into the mens section of the department store now.

Last night my wife wanted to know what I was posting. and I told her I was posting things that went on at therapy. She wanted to know and I shared with her. When I started she said your mother loved you and how and why do you think she reacted the way she did. At that point I quickly went through the details and hoped that was enough. I was really just wanting to go to bed and not discuss, it was raw.

I was happy she finally asked and I could share some of my experiences with her. I thought maybe I could share the abuse and incest. No, I would not dare share. She can not understand. She said, "if I was a therapist I would just say get over it and move on". She said her gender is like breathing air and so is everyone else's. It is and that is that.  She then said do you want to wear woman's cloths because that is where I draw the line. With reference to growing my hair she likes it but not if it is in anything but a male style.

I understand how she feels and why. I do not initiate sex and she interprets it as I do not desire her. I went over how she is my world but to no avail. I really feel so much better on HRT and never thinking of sex. Sex to me was very dysphoric, in the past. I am learning how to use different imagery and visualize my true self and it feels so good. However, I just do not have a sex drive.

At what price freedom, at what price peace, can I find the answer already know.

I ate a lot today and I just needed to let go. I will be back on track tomorrow.

Can't you compromise with your wife? Would she? For instance, you don't have to buy anything that is too feminine. It could be an androgynous top, maybe a mauve Polo, and some women's bootcut jeans. I know when I started presenting female in public when I was 20 in 2004, I wore androgynous female clothes but it felt so liberating and right. PLus they were so cute! They might have been more femme then you wife would like but I;m sure you can find a middle that would satisfy both you and your wife. Once you get used to the idea of shopping in the women's section it will be much easier. Maybe you could go to a a thrift store. I go to the Buffalo Exchange at 17th and Market but that might be more femme then you would like. Target works. But you can find great clothes in Center City or Rittenhouse Square. But they did have tons of super cute pink and black heels. Not Louboutin but they still rock'd. But it just feels so natural now and I would have been mortified at one time and ran into a corner and cried. I think you can do it. But don't force yourself too. let it come in time.

Oh yeah!
Thank you Joanna!

Thrift stores are a must for early transition women. We do not know what we like and what looks good on us yet. The styles we prefer have yet to be properly defined in the start. So the thrift store is a godsend. You can cheaply experiment with your look. Once you get it figured out, and your body stops growing/changing, then it is ok to start to buy a proper wardrobe from retailers. Why would you want to sink $45+ on a blouse you are not even sure is going to look good on you?

Thanks all and Hugs,

My wife is ok with more colors and some style changes. Buffalo Exchange 17th and Market sounds like a good place to visit. I am in the area for work, by Drexel and Penn.

I need to do my homework. Which is wear the bracelet and or necklace and imagine I am holding a 5 year olds hand (me at 5) and eventually buy something I like. It is a fantastic perspective and I really want to do it. I think it will be freeing and hopefully an end to a past issue.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on August 16, 2013, 05:37:38 PM
My wife is of with more colors and some style changes. Buffalo Exchange 17th and Market sounds like a good place to visit. I am in the area for work, by Drexel and Penn.

I work in west philly. In fact i am going to move there. My boyfriend and I are going to look at an apartment tomorrow in Cedar Park right off Baltimore Ave. I'm so excited. But yeah you can get really inexpensive stuff at the Buffalo Exchange. It gets a bit crowded at times and I always feel like I am fighting with people trying to look at tops but you can literally buy what would be a $100 top new at like $10. It's amazing.

I have a feeling that the situation between you and your wife is totally going to work out. She has stayed with you through this. You obviously love her and she loves you and that will get you thru anything. But I wouldn't force anything like making yourself buy or wear female clothes if you're not ready.  There will be time. Let things evolve naturally. I thinkit is great that your wife is involved with the transition and how much you care about her. Your story seriously touches me.

I don't have anything to add, everyone has given you great advice. I just wanted to chime in to also tell you, your story touched me  I hope all goes well with you and your family and job! It's a slow process which is why they call it transition, but slowly but surely you'll feel more confident and free and happy!! Just take one day at a time 

Hello my name is legally christopher but id rather b called christen. Im 24 years old and am transgender. I have always known since I was very young that I was a girl but I was not in the right body. I have always had this intense desire to b genetically female and envy girls because I am not. I hate myself and it just hurts so bad I need people that I can talk to and support me and help me get through this. I have my mom shes supportive and im so happy for that. I just need to talk to some people going through the same thing that I am and can relate to the pain that I freel every second of the day. I ask please if anybody is willing to b my friend and get through this together  you dont know how muxh that would mean to me thank u

Yusuf we feel your pain hun.

Christen, we are here for you. Not only are we your friends but we are family. I know how you feel, Hugs.

Christen, do you have access to a gender therapist? The reason I ask is I have been going to a therapist for 8 months and for the first time in my life I am starting to let go of the self hatred and starting to love me, the girl. I can not tell you how freeing it is to be able to realize I am different and it is ok and I do not want to hide it anymore.  Everything is not peachy keen but I am working out the issues and making new friends.

The first step is making a phone call for help and scheduling an appointment.