Let me start with saying this, I just recently turned 30 and maybe this is what caused me to join the forms. I really do not know. Also please forgive me what I am about to say may come out rather rambling like.

I can't even remember when I first wanted to be a girl, it is at the very least as far back as elementary school.

I've come from a loving family, who has provider and still provides for me today. I am sitting at nearly about year of college left and I live with my parents because I cannot afford to live on my own.

The last girl friend I've had was back in middle-school, yes that long. Unless you count having an online girl friend here and there when I was in my teens - But since then I haven't really be too interested in dating anyone I suppose it may be my fear of putting someone into a situation like them finding out about my "side" life.  I am pretty sure I am not gay either.

Through out the years, I have pretending to be a girl online, I nearly always pick female characters now and get teased by my friends from time to time. Which I play off saying I am a guy I like "boobs" which isn't a total lie but it isn't the reason either.

I do not hate my current body, but I do not love it either. I "use" to say if I didn't magically transform into a girl then I'd be ok with being a guy and that I could never go through transitional therapy. Honestly I think I could be ok with being a guy, but I just don't know.

So the wheel come full circle pretty much at this point so not to bore you, No one I know other then a few people online know how I feel. But here I am 30 years of age - wondering if I am really transsexual as I write this. I still dream, desire, want to be female, but I don't think I have the courage to pick a side.

I share the same many people have shared on these forms. I took some time and read peoples stories, which gave me the courage to write this.

So here I am I feel misplaced - unsure of myself. I cannot say I am unhappy - because my family keeps me happy, I cannot say I hate my body because it is me, yet I cannot shake these desire, these thoughts I've had nearly my whole life.

Again sorry for rambling on - I just needed to vent in a place that would understand.

Comments are welcomed 

Well I am not sure what you are asking. Do you want to transition? How would you family feel as you seem pretty close to them? More importantly, how would you feel about, say, um, growing boobs for real. About having incredibly soft skin and having guys come up to you and hit on you and touch you and stuff. There's much more to a being a girl then that for sure but is that in any way appealing. Or at least not off putting. We are the same age and for me, I simply could not live another year, another month, another day, or another minute as a male. I don't feel like I am a man at all. And pretty soon I won't be at all. No one thinks I am in any event. But these are things that might happen if you transition. It will no longer be a dream; it will be real and for me being a girl and being with a guy is the best thing that ever happened to me. I have never been happier. Or happy. Until now. Hope this helps.

That is the thing Joanna I am not even sure what I am asking. But I am always like this never sure about anything.

If you mean do I want to be a girl and if I had the chance to would I take it? Yes yes I would. Then there is the other side of the coin, I am a very particular person and at my current age would I get the results I wanted with current technology? and if I didn't wouldn't I just be sorta in the same boat as I am now?

Honestly not sure how my family would react. I've over heard my Mom say before when they talked about Cher's son Chad that she didn't understand why people do that to their body.

They have even asked me if I was gay, more then once because I haven't seem to be interested in a relationship. So I can't honestly say how they will react.

Hehe I think I need to stop staying up so late, it allows me to think to much. 

So I am going to hit the hay.

I appreciate you taking the time to comment Joanna

Hiya Aina,

I am not sure that anyone is able to answer the questions you are raising. Certainly no-one can say with any level of certainty what results you may get from transitioning. From what you wrote it feels as if you are not entirely happy where you are at the moment - maybe just a niggling feeling of 'not rightness'?  When I was at that point I found it helpful to talk things through with someone who has the necessary experience and wit to challenge me without adversity and suggest possibilities I had not considered. Do you have anyone available to you like that?

Male or female is more of a sliding scale than an either or. It may be that you will be happy sliding a little way along the scale rather than a lot.

From what your Mother said about Chad I would not be too concerned about a negative reaction. There is a world of difference between not understanding someone else's action and condemning them for taking them.

Rosie.

Well age is no factor, yes the younger the better but I'm mature and like a good wine I just got better!

The way to explore your thoughts is probably with a qualified gender therapist. They will not tell you if you are trans* or not. Only you can answer that. But they can provide a framework for you to examine your feelings.

One thing about being trans* that is so common that it is very striking, is that the thoughts never go away. They intensify and they consume, and no matter how we try to fight they never ever go away.

Cindy

Hey, You sound quite a lot like my own experience. Can I ask You some questions and share my thoughts?
First of all, You could try to take the COGIATI online test to see how much You would score. The test is crap, but made with good intentions. Take it for fun, but pay attention to Your score - the very least it does it indicates TS/TG trends in us. Some sort of starting point.
You have joined this forum and got officially registered here. That is something I would not disregard either.
When I did the above steps, I actually was in the upcoming wave of BIG depression. There were several personal and tragic events in my life at the same time, so I was totally oblivious and ignorant, besides I always lived with the thought that depression is for weaklings – I just have minor inconveniences.
An interesting fact about GD is that it is cyclic and it stends to hit like a boomerang. Which was exactly what happened to me and because of my ignorance I just took the full hit straight into my head before I knew what was coming. I had those inconvenient memories from my childhood/teens, which I just stuffed deep inside of me and pretended it never happened. I had no idea I would be dealing with them again in my life – BIG mistake. One thing, which I learned before I even joined this forum – GD never ends, it lies waiting and will ambush You when You are at Your weakest. You may repel it, but it will be back – weeks, months, years, decades later. I know these are bad news and there is a sense of hopelesness in all of this, but we have no choice. Just get over it – male pattern of action wont work and help here  (we cant kill it, keep ignoring or drown it in booze or substances – it will just get clearer, sharper and stronger), The only salvation is acceptance and coming to terms with Yourself – that is what women do, when they have no other options. And this is the first major step. Afterwards.. if You would think that all things are going to be bright, pink and rosy... the FUN TIMES are just beginning.
Go see a therapist and try to find a good one. I would sincerely suggest a female one, ideally having an experience with TG issues. If all else fails, go to guy, but be ready for possible disappointment and critical attitude.
Now about Your current and past feelings.
It is perfectly OK not to hate Your body. A lot of trans people do not hate their body and do not think that they were born in a wrong one. It is Yours and it will remain Yours after the HRT and SRS – You are not getting another one, so its about time to start getting friends with it. As concerns the junk – its pretty much the same. I never hated mine – till early twenties I pretty much ignored it – we lived our own separate lives and tolerated each other, though he was a cause of many inconveniences.

Girls... yeah, I actually never dated anyone until I was... um... 27? I always felt nice in their company, but I did not want to get it personal, besides I had no idea how what I am supposed to do. Looking back now, my behaviour was typically female – reactive instead of proactive, which was probably some kind of turn off. Whatever. Does not matter now. Was it another indicator for me? Hell, no. I just blamed my non-existant father. I blamed him for everything – divorce with my mom, not being there to teach me all those things - proper ways and skills of men, so that I had to learn a lot of thing myself, whereas several ,,male" areas remained complete mystery to me – now I know that You need that male-pattern brain wiring. I blamed him for not being there to explain all that crap about cars, so I at least could get interested into them, mechanics etc. He was sort of ,,jack of all trades" in everything which concerns male crafts, so I kept wondering why I could not hit a nail straight. I came out with excuse that I was probably adopted and my mother is not my biological mother and I have a twin somewhere.
Yeah, and I was still deep in denial, when I turned to computer games – after a break for 5 years... And I picked a female characted for one MMORPG. It meant nothing to me, I just acted as I wanted. Then I read about Second Life,  made an account and created an avi there. She is female too. I still pretended I was having fun there, when it dawned on me that other people online treat me as cis-girl – and people often are quite wary and skeptical about genders in SL. There are a loto f girls there, but there are also guys playing girls. I was never clocked. Slowly, I realised that something is wrong. I kept spending more and more time in the SL, sometimes staying awake till 3-4 AM, only to sleep 2-3 hours before heading off to work. I lost my appetite too. I had no idea I was already in a mid of biggest depression of my life. And then that strange sadness and feeling of not belonging here and longing to be someone different came back. It was not unhappiness – it was rather uneasiness and not knowing what to do. I started to search internet, reading everything I could about transsexualism and came across the term ,,gender dysphoria". Another ten articles and  everything just clicked in place, like a puzzle. The moment of truth and self-discovery, soon to be followed by initial denial and later self-acceptance. And the feeling that this time my ,,male' persona is not getting to make it, I am in big trouble, I cant talk to anyone but I desparately need help. This is the final time to seek out professional help and to me it seems You are slowly but steadily approaching this moment. Better start acting now – its gonna be more difficult later, because You will become extremely moody, impatient and lost when GD will hit with its fullest.

A lot of replies thanks everyone.

One issue, I wouldn't mind going to a therapist but that surely would raise eyebrows and if I am to tell my feelings I don't want it to come out with questions such as  "Why are you going to a Therapist?"

Emily you do sound allot like how I am, I also a big gamer, and ironically SL is one of my outlets. Been with it 9 years know...wonder if we know each other in different forms 

I dunno I wish I worded my post better, I really should make a rule that I am only allowed to post deep mind blowing style post in the morning when I am awake haha.

Anyway everyone thanks again I am going think on all this for awhile let my mind unravel these questions.

Hi Aina, Seeing a therapist is a wonderful idea. My questions are why would anyone need to know that you are going to talk to a therapist? Is there someone at your school that you can talk with? If so talk with them.

I'm with Bethany, I don't know why anyone needs to know why you're seeing a therapist. It's not really an odd, trans only thing to seek therapy.

As for your trans status. I can't tell you if you're transsexual, only you alone or with the help of a therapist can decide that. I can tell you that you definitely sound transgender. It may be you're not male or female, you're in between, even if you lean more towards one gender or another. This is another thing that a good therapist can help you sort out.

Don't be shy there are a lot of people here that don't relate to being either gender that you can talk to, maybe their stories can help you with your self reflection. Of course those of us who do identify with a particular gender can help too.

Amy

Yes true it is no one business but my own and no one needs to know.

But I am not the most out going person and I am sure my parents will know something is up, and there also college can't really afford anything else, since I have a small dept I must pay back for college first.

Plus I have no back bone! 

And of course these are just excuses, but they seem pretty legit. 

I may have to wait till after I am down with college even if I wanted to take this a step further. I am rather a late bloomer on most things I do anyways.

I am rambling again sorry hehe - on the way to work today - I was practicing my voice and was thinking. I may feel misplaced right now, but I also feel like I am moving in the right direction.

I am going to take this a step at a time and see where it leads!

Quote from: Aina on August 13, 2013, 12:38:51 AM
I am a very particular person and at my current age would I get the results I wanted with current technology? and if I didn't wouldn't I just be sorta in the same boat as I am now?

Well what results are you looking for? If you're looking to be a model, hormonal transition is not for you. I love it but if you have to be a model, you might be disappointed. If your goal is to pass as female, then HRT works magic. I feel pretty good about it. I don't know what you mean about current technology. That isn't changing majorly anytime soon. But I think the tech is great.

If you have all these doubts, you shouldn't consider HRT or whatever until you see a therapist for a bit.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on August 13, 2013, 08:42:09 PM
Well what results are you looking for? If you're looking to be a model, hormonal transition is not for you. I love it but if you have to be a model, you might be disappointed. If your goal is to pass as female, then HRT works magic. I feel pretty good about it. I don't know what you mean about current technology. That isn't changing majorly anytime soon. But I think the tech is great.

If you have all these doubts, you shouldn't consider HRT or whatever until you see a therapist for a bit.

Haha, no, but that would be nice who hasn't fantasized about being drop dead gorgeous be it male or female?...But honestly I'd want to look like me, if I was born a girl that is. Back in highschool everyone said my sister and I looked alike if we were twins even though she is a few years older then me. So I have a strong belief I'd look very similar to her and my mom. Both very pretty. Plus being 5'6 and pretty skinny doesn't hurt either.

But yeah Joanna, I am still thinking - and don't think its a bad thing I am also scared - but as I said I am going think and take it a step at a time and see were it leads me. If it leads me to transitioning I am ok, if it doesn't I am ok. As long as it was me who came up with the path I pick...

I think last night I was just feeling a bit confused, blue and well one those blah moment.

First off, please excuse any grammar problems, or rambling and redundant thoughts I the writing of this post, as I can't get to sleep and whiskey isn't helping ;-p

From the sounds of things you are in a similar place to that which I'm in, though in my case throw in the added fun of having a wife and 2 beautiful daughters along for the ride.  I'm at the point where some for form of therapy is probably my best course of action, so I will echo that advice as was given from others.  Now to actually reach the motivation activation energy required to find a therapist and schedule an appointment.

For your situation, I think you'll find that most college campuses have very capable therapy departments.  The service is provided very inexpensively for students as well.  Going to college is a very stressful time and the people who work in those systems tend to be there because they really want to help.  I have had very good experiences with campus therapists, though in different circumstances.  Actually funny in hindsight as the therapy was sought due to a weirdly crumbling relationship with my first GF that probably had a lot to do with my gender issues which I didn't really know existed at the time.

As for my situation, I'm unsure about the etiquette of hijacking threads on this board, but it felt unnecessary to start my own thread when my own feelings and current next steps are so similar.  My daughter's are both under 3 and my wife knows that I have gender issues.  Recently we had "the talk" where I effectively came out to her on the subject, and it had this weird effect of forcing me to now  evaluate what I actually feel.  Interestingly, we actually first met virtually in a mmo while I was presenting as a female.  I spent several years in that persona following the crumbled relationship mentioned above, and I just seemed to like the person I was online better than myself in real life.  And this is telling as the persona I used was essentially real life minus a Y chromosome.  I felt more emotionally connected to other people, more outgoing, and more confident than I had at most other stages in my life.  Looking back, even in childhood I had times when being able to try out life as a girl was a heartfelt dream of mine.  I've never felt any amount of hatred for my body, and I greatly enjoy relations with my wife (though I would love to be more on the receiving end of affections, the "smaller spoon"if you will).  So I am kinda where you are now as well.  I feel misplaced and don't really know what to do next to relieve some of the very awkward internal pressure I am feeling.  I think the best thing for us is to enter some form of therapy and expand the self analytical toolbox to better understand what is actually going on and what actual steps to take moving forward.

Hi Murbella     Welcome to the site.

When I was in college I sought out therapy - and got what was, in retrospect, a misdiagnosis!

But therapists are more aware of gender issues today then they were in the 1970's.

Quote from: Murbella on August 14, 2013, 03:53:18 AM
First off, please excuse any grammar problems, or rambling and redundant thoughts I the writing of this post, as I can't get to sleep and whiskey isn't helping ;-p

From the sounds of things you are in a similar place to that which I'm in, though in my case throw in the added fun of having a wife and 2 beautiful daughters along for the ride.  I'm at the point where some for form of therapy is probably my best course of action, so I will echo that advice as was given from others.  Now to actually reach the motivation activation energy required to find a therapist and schedule an appointment.

For your situation, I think you'll find that most college campuses have very capable therapy departments.  The service is provided very inexpensively for students as well.  Going to college is a very stressful time and the people who work in those systems tend to be there because they really want to help.  I have had very good experiences with campus therapists, though in different circumstances.  Actually funny in hindsight as the therapy was sought due to a weirdly crumbling relationship with my first GF that probably had a lot to do with my gender issues which I didn't really know existed at the time.

As for my situation, I'm unsure about the etiquette of hijacking threads on this board, but it felt unnecessary to start my own thread when my own feelings and current next steps are so similar.  My daughter's are both under 3 and my wife knows that I have gender issues.  Recently we had "the talk" where I effectively came out to her on the subject, and it had this weird effect of forcing me to now  evaluate what I actually feel.  Interestingly, we actually first met virtually in a mmo while I was presenting as a female.  I spent several years in that persona following the crumbled relationship mentioned above, and I just seemed to like the person I was online better than myself in real life.  And this is telling as the persona I used was essentially real life minus a Y chromosome.  I felt more emotionally connected to other people, more outgoing, and more confident than I had at most other stages in my life.  Looking back, even in childhood I had times when being able to try out life as a girl was a heartfelt dream of mine.  I've never felt any amount of hatred for my body, and I greatly enjoy relations with my wife (though I would love to be more on the receiving end of affections, the "smaller spoon"if you will).  So I am kinda where you are now as well.  I feel misplaced and don't really know what to do next to relieve some of the very awkward internal pressure I am feeling.  I think the best thing for us is to enter some form of therapy and expand the self analytical toolbox to better understand what is actually going on and what actual steps to take moving forward.

Hey Murbella, I don't think your Hijacked my thread at all and thank you for sharing this why I posted to hear from other people.

The very reason above you stated is why I've shyed away from relationship since...forever to afraid they would find out about my secret and I would feel bad if I hurt someone I cared about. Like you as well I relate to my characters online and much more confident online, and I've been stuck in this limbo for many years now.

Honestly I hear everyone here, and I agree that therapy might be my best course of action. Yet I just don't know if I can over come my insane amount of fear I have for moving forward with my feelings. Recent days have been very crazy for part of me is shaking me back and forth saying. "Just get it over with and tell someone" the other half of me is pulling in the opposite direction going. "Nope don't do it!". I can't seem to stop myself from going over every kind of scenario in my head...

Part of my also wishes I would just trip up and someone in my family would find out by mistake, so I didn't have to dig for the courage to do it myself.

Quote from: Aina on August 14, 2013, 02:48:00 PM
Hey Murbella, I don't think your Hijacked my thread at all and thank you for sharing this why I posted to hear from other people.

The very reason above you stated is why I've shyed away from relationship since...forever to afraid they would find out about my secret and I would feel bad if I hurt someone I cared about. Like you as well I relate to my characters online and much more confident online, and I've been stuck in this limbo for many years now.

Honestly I hear everyone here, and I agree that therapy might be my best course of action. Yet I just don't know if I can over come my insane amount of fear I have for moving forward with my feelings. Recent days have been very crazy for part of me is shaking me back and forth saying. "Just get it over with and tell someone" the other half of me is pulling in the opposite direction going. "Nope don't do it!". I can't seem to stop myself from going over every kind of scenario in my head...

Part of my also wishes I would just trip up and someone in my family would find out by mistake, so I didn't have to dig for the courage to do it myself.

That's kinda how my wife and I got to the stage of talking about it, though not due to a single incident.  My wife and I are approximately the same size for both clothing and shoes, so around the house I would frequently wear her shoes/sandals as they are easier to slip on and off (also they are very cute), and I would sometimes wear her shirts and yoga pants for pajamas as they are comfy and tend to be lighter materials (also they accentuate feminine curves).  I would always claim the former to be why I did it, but the latter reasons in parenthesis tended to be more the case.   Completely aside from where I was going with this, but one time when I was in some of her pants and a shirt and attempting to guide the toddler in brushing her teeth, my wife walked by and said I actually have a very feminine figure, and tellingly I was not offended but actually flattered (though not outwardly). 

Back to where I was headed, one time recently, I was doing this again, and she noticed that I also had on some of her underwear which to some extent I was probably wearing so that she would notice.  She had always suspected something was going on as she is rather intuitive about people (currently finishing out school to become a therapist herself).  It was a nice talk, we hugged, and she even offered to take me shopping    We have such an open relationship for communication it was starting to cause lots of strain me constantly thinking about how to best broach the subject, but on the flip side, it was a mildly uncomfortable gate that was holding me from having to deal with a whole bunch of other uncomfortable feelings down the road.  Now that I can talk to her about it, I must actually figure out what I want...

In your case, since it is your family, I think you are probably better off figuring yourself out prior to forcing the issue with them.  It's still hard making that first step to go talk to someone, but perhaps it would be easier talking to a stranger who is there to be supportive and you don't care about disappointing, rather than a mother or a father who you are worried will not take to the news kindly.

 I was a lot like you going back and forth.
IMO if your see a gender therapist. what they should be called transition therapist. Most of them don't  really understand trans people. They mostly rely on wpath soc. and  promote transitioning. Soc is only concerned with a roadmap to SRS. not based on real science according to the article APA dumps WpathSOC.
You might get lucky and find a good therapist who doesn't promote this. I read somewhere the best treatment for transpeople is not SRS but therapy.  But this way of thinking is in the minority. Yes I get hate mail but I speak the truth.
I went to 3 different therapists and they all promoted transitioning.

  SRS did not help me. How I wish I could go back.
IMO SRS is not medically necessary unless your genitals are deformed.
If I had to do it over again I would stick to crossdressing and never transition. The hormones made me  moody. SRS wasn't for me.  I hate it.

SRS is an elective surgery, if somebody wants to be a girl be a girl go ahead that's what it is there for . 
Many post op do fine. As you know there are non-ops  1/2 and 1/2s, many options.
There are no easy answers. U will have to the best you can like we all do. U have plenty of company.

Hey everyone, I wanted to give you all and update.

After having a chance to talk with a few people, I've come to terms I don't feel as misplaced as I did when I first joined and posted this thread. Everyone's advice has been great and really made me feel more comfortable.

So I came up with a game plan,

Since I only have a year and a semester left of college and because of this money is too tight to seek a therapist I am going to focus on getting my education done first and frankly it is nearly as important to me as coming to terms to myself. After that my plan is to get a full time job, "my own" place and then I plan to pursue a therapist and see were it leads me.

Until then I plan to keep working on my voice of course visit the forms on a regular bases. Thanks again everyone the feedback has really helped me feel a bit better.