Hey there everyone!
...I know I'm not "qualified" to answer this thread as such as I am not on MTF HRT, but there is the option for me to take it, and this has of course meant ALOT of thinking, and more thinking (and some more thinking) about the whole "passing" (yes, I think "blending is a better term too).
Clunky metaphor:
A director may win an Oscar for a film only once, perhaps twice, and then not win again, but the fact they DID win an Oscar still counts more than the other times that they didn't win. The not winning in other years, doesn't disqualify them from the Oscar that they did win at that time. And of course ultimately if the director believes that their film is an excellent work of art regardless of whether it attracts external accolades....then the Oscar is cheerfully rendered meaningless, as they already felt their film, and their effort, was wonderful anyway!Yes, that is a clunky metaphor and the real word is a little more complicated and crueller. Blending-in can be a matter of simple survival etc. But having a cast-iron belief in YOURSELF is more rewarding and ultimately more self-protective than having a cast-iron belief in the system (human society, or the Oscar judging panel) - as the system is faulty, corrupt, has dubious values and may turn-on you anyway. The more you pander to society, the less personal power you will have, and the more power they will have. That's not healthy.
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Also, passing/blending as a definite gender doesn't appear doesn't appear to be a fixed destination at all, there's so many variables (who you may be standing next too - petite young woman or older male for example), lighting, your age, your clothes etc etc etc. It can be generally advisable(for security and fitting in) to aim for being able to blend/pass (only if you want to or feel you need to). And if you do successfully pass at least once (when you didn't ever pre-HRT/FFS), then take that as the "yep, you've passed" confirmation, not any other potential times that you didn't. The next twenty times you might have been in the worst lighting, surrounded by college girls and wearing a sack. Those twenty times don't disqualify you from the time you did pass.
Society demands you conform to a stereotype.....but then tries to catch-you out when you try to. It's like a game of hide and seek to them: Force people to conform, wait for them to try to conform, then run to catch-them out and tell them that - guess what! - they don't conform. That's how flawed society is. I feel one has to try and rise above in order to avoid playing the game as much as possible. The game's rules are always skewed in favour of the society. You can't win the game. You can't beat society. The system will prevail. But you can become exempt from playing the game or simply break the game and not play it - if you're strong enough and give YOURSELF more value than society.
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As for myself, I'm unsure about HRT and transitioning for many reasons. Being androgyne of course - there's as little emphasis on joining the ladies' club as there is of wanting to join the men's club, despite the fact that I don't like looking male and I like people thinking I'm female. (I have my own baggage to sort I know). Personally, I doubt I'd ever pass anyway, but even if I did, I don't see why I should conform to society's idea of passing. I like my male name, its my name, I am no one else. I like my deeper voice, it's my voice, I don't want to simulate another voice. What would be the point in competing in the passing game when I may "win" sometimes and "loose" sometimes? I want to override the system and simply be presentable and productive. And some places on earth will give me ->-bleeped-<- for this, and some places won't.
Did I loose everyone half way through? I have a tendency to write big-budget-epic posts that may not be intelligible (just like most blockbusters then)
