Today started well, and then this evening turned bad and has left me in an incredibly bad mood, wanting to curl up in a corner and cry.

WARNING: Contains a considerable amount of ranting and may have some triggers for people.

First for some background as regards my current situation. At work I present as male, have done since I started a year ago, however I only recently (bout 2 weeks ago) started hormones. The people I work with were introduced as male, but they know my history due to the fact that I know the people on the floor below. Some of the people on the floor below knew me before I changed my name, some after I changed my name just before I worked with them back in 2010. I didn't tell them why I changed my name so they still knew me as female. When I applied for my new job, I still hadn't come out to the people downstairs, so naturally the people I now work with know my history as there was some initial confusion as to my gender, however this was all resolved before I started and I wasn't aware of all this until a while after. I knew people would find out anyway, I don't pass all that wellI have also met people since then and I have no idea if these people know my history or not. To be honest, I don't really care. There's nothing I can do about it anyway!

So, the main point of this is about bathrooms etc. At work the toilets are unisex, which I am eternally grateful for. Unfortunately the same isn't true in pubs. Every Friday we all go to the pub after work and normally have a good time. However I spend the entire time freaking out about toilets. I quite often freak out and use the womens toilets, but it depends where I am and who I'm with as to which toilets I feel comfortable using. I hate myself for doing that and feel like a coward, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. In this particular pub I generally use the womens toilets, but only when I really have to. This means I don't drink much and spend a lot of energy worrying about needing to go and figuring out if I can hold it till I get home. For this reason I tend to have only one drink and not stay that long.

The extra stress is the fight that is going on in my head. I don't want someone who only knows me as male seeing me in or coming out of the female toilets, but I don't want to come across someone in the mens who knew me from before and is uncomfortable with me being in the mens. Add to that the fact that I know if I were to be questioned in the mens I would probably break down and run away crying. Good way to deal with it I know!!

Anyway, back to tonight. We started off at the pub, then went somewhere else. A couple of us decided to walk whilst the others got taxis. The reason I wanted to walk was purely so I could do a slight detour to my flat to go to the toilet. Pretty pathetic, I know. I made an excuse about wanting to drop my bag off.

Once we got to the new place, there was the usual bathroom stuff. The problem is the more I think about it, the more scared of using the mens I get. Using the mens has to be pretty spontaneous generally (and quiet!). So afte hanging around outside the toilets for a good few minutes I finally dived into the womens (hating myself for it). Whilst there I discovered that the red death had arrived and I had nothing with me. Because I am a bit naive and stubborn (otherwise known as big time denial) I thought that with being on hormones AND blockers I wouldn't have to deal with that again. How very wrong I was. Up until this time I have been having a good evening, hanging out with people and having a good laugh. And then this. I had to leave then despite everyone trying to get me to stay. I REALLY wanted to stay, but I couldn't. I even sucked up my pride and asked someone if they had any 'products' I could use, but unfortunately they didn't.


So now I'm back at my flat in an awful mood, wanting to curl up in the corner and cry for a few days. I'm sick of my first thought being 'what am I going to do about the toilet situation' whenever anyone invites me out. I've passed up many a social engagement because of this. I'm fed up feeling pathetic and a coward because in some situations I am just too terrified to use the mens. I just want to be able to go out with my friends and not have to be constantly worrying about stupid, insignificant things (at least to most people).

Wow, that was a rant and a half. Sorry if it doesn't all make sense, I just needed to get it all out. I'm in an extremely bad mood, in pain (because of THAT) and just generally massively fed up. But I do know it WILL get better.

Big hug! That was a lot of venting, you gotta feel a little bit better! Tomorrow is a new day, hugs, Devlyn

Man, I completely feel for you. I have the same anxiety every time I go out with people who knew me pre-transition.

For the most part my bathroom excursions are carefully planned (head home first and use it there, don't drink much when I'm out, etc). Lately though I've been making an effort to go out of my comfort zone and be bold enough to use the men's rooms, even with people who knew me before.

I just try to time it right, and wait until no one I know is in the toilets or likely to head there soon. And then I dash in, dash out. It's cowardly, but it's a start.

Since you've started hormones though, you will eventually reach a point where going to the women's rooms could be quite problematic. I'm there for sure, so when I'm out I have to either use the men's, find a unisex room, or suffer, lol. When you reach that point you might find necessity makes your decision whether or not to use the men's room a lot easier.

Hang in there!

First of all, im sorry you have to deal with this. Hopefully this will be the last one!

Now about the bathroom. If you have short hair, use the mens. Seriously. Guys (in western culture) give approximately zero phucks about what you look like as you arent wearing a dress and long flowing hair. If you see someone who knows you as female, too bad for them. LEt them be uncomfortable for a change.

remember, probably some time this year, you will look back and be absolutely stunned that anyone ever saw you as female or that you had to wonder what bathroom to use. It will pass and you will spend time shaving your face instead of worrying about wear to take a leak

I second the bathroom thing! I was at an event recently where I knew around 50% of everyone there and about 99% of them know me as my old name. It was a theatre screening then after party. At the screening we got any snack and drinks free, so I had a large soda and then after the drinks were free too, so after a very short while I had to use the bathroom. I pass and seeing as there were folks who didn't know me, I wouldn't dare use the women's bathroom. So I go to walk into the men's as a mate happens to walk out. He sees me and merely says "Hey, man!" and pays no mind to the fact that I'm obviously heading into the men's. So yeah, just go for it and use the men's.

In the women's they pay attention to their surroundings, in the men's it's heads down, do your thing, get out. They're not going to care and if they do, what do you think they're going to do about it?  Doubtful they'd confront you or even say anything. Guys don't share bathroom tales.

It's funny, the first time you think about using the guy's bathroom it's scary as heck. Then as soon as you do, it's using a women's bathroom that becomes a fear! I literally couldn't use a women's bathroom now, I'd be too terrified to!

As for shark week, I live in fear of it rather than expect it's gone. I don't take blockers because after puberty they're useless, so it shouldn't be assumed it means you'll lose it faster than folks just on T.  It can take months to stop. Always carry something just in case. It's been nearly 2 months since my last one and I still keep prepared.

@Ford I keep telling myself that when I feel confident that I pass I'll feel fine using the mens. But I know there is no one point when suddenly you're there. It's also a way of making myself feel better about still usually using the womens.

I think my main worry is strangers more than people I know. I'm worried for my physical safety as the majority of men are significantly bigger than me (I'm 5 foot 2 and have no muscle as yet!). I just find it vey intimidating. The times when I've used the mens there have been no problems, so I know it's a stupid fear and no-one cares, but I still can't work up the courage in most situations, especially in 'old man' pubs where the locals hang out. For some reason I find those pubs and people more threatening.

@Jack. The first time I used the mens I was terrified but managed it! If I'm in the right mood, in the right place and it's quiet, it's not a problem.

As far as the blockers are concerned, they were prescribed for me automatically but I could have refused them. However this particular blocker works by stopping your body producing sex hormones completely (they prescribe the same one for for both FtM and MtF people) so I thought I may as well try them, it'll only help testosterone do its thing. This is why I semi-convinced myself that I might be free of certain 'functions (!)' sooner. I will not be making the same mistake again!!

If you're passing, getting called "sir" and whatnot where you go, you should be good to use the mens. I'd be a little more hesitant in places where men may be drunk, the only times I have heard of a trans guy getting assaulted in a bathroom is at bars or other such establishments. But I do think if you pass (and honestly, you will know when you do - you will get sirs, mans, etc) you don't have much to worry about.

I am sorry you had such a hard day though. I had a lot of days like that, and hell, even sometimes still do 16 months on T. Try not to worry about shark week, it will pass soon enough. And it will leave permanently before you even know it. Took mine 6 months, but now the possibility rarely even registers.

Quote from: MaximmusFlavius on August 16, 2013, 07:03:02 PM
As far as the blockers are concerned, they were prescribed for me automatically but I could have refused them. However this particular blocker works by stopping your body producing sex hormones completely (they prescribe the same one for for both FtM and MtF people) so I thought I may as well try them, it'll only help testosterone do its thing. This is why I semi-convinced myself that I might be free of certain 'functions (!)' sooner. I will not be making the same mistake again!!

MTFs have to stop T but for FTMs the T overrides oestrogen and stops all that itself. Blockers aren't going to do anything bad, but if you have to pay for them, it's not really worth it. Just FYI. In somewhere like UK the price isn't a big issue but if you're elsewhere, blockers tend to be expensive compared to T.

No-one really uses any titles for me on a day to day basis so I have no idea whether I pass or not, but I think maybe not so much as yet.

I am in the UK, hence I decided to go for the blockers as it doesn't cost me anything. My reasoning was that it may make a small difference as the testosterone won't be fighting with the hormones my body produces as it won't be producing any! Obviously it takes a while for testosterone to override the effects of oestrogen and I just figured that if there was no oestrogen to fight with, the effects of testosterone may be slightly better/faster. It may or may not make any difference. I have been transitioning and stalking this forum for 5 years or so, so am generally pretty clued up about these kind of things, at least in the basics (I'm also a geneticist so understand biology type stuff pretty well!). I was actually surprised when they said they'd be prescribing blockers as I thought they generally didn't for FtMs. I was originally going to be on testosterone gel as there was a waiting list for Nebido (the optimal dosage is harder to determine so a specialist, not the GP, is in charge when Nebido is used), so blockers would have been more relevant had that been the case.

I swear the UK just wants to drain the NHS of all its money sometimes. I'm glad I waited to transition in Canada because the number of hoops to jump though and number of appointments in the UK is insane - and that's all on the NHS so it costs a fortune. And then, even years on T guys are still prescribed useless blockers (many of my buddies still HAVE to take them, they're not given the choice). If they made things simpler, and the costs for transition weren't so high (blockers are more expensive than T) they could save money and save people having to go through years just to get on T. And saving money would mean more money for surgeries and so on too.

But then again, I believe they still cover homeopathy on the NHS so they waste money all round it seems.

 MaximmusFlavius, I can understand your situation completely.  I am a university student, transitioning in the last 2 years. I am generally seen as one of the guys, thou the older students know my history and the new ones can easily ask them if they want too.  I use the men's restroom and try to use them where I am not known, which take planning and waiting many times.  I am pre t and still have a shark week which is hard using the men's. I normally get cramps about a day before I start so I have warning to take tampons with me.  When I was younger I know girls who started and not having anything would rollup tissue and put it in their panty and hope they didn't bleed through.