If I may rant for a second.
I don't even want to go to Pride. I don't feel particular proud of being trans. I'm not ashamed, but honestly I would rather just be a regular guy. I also do not feel particularly welcome in the LGB community. Most importantly to me though is awhile back a member of the Pride committee attacked my trans group using tactics my dad used to use on me which triggered some pretty darn bad flashbacks that lasted for weeks. His attack was a bad enough trigger that he, himself, became a trigger. Why can't I just get over it? Because every time I frickin see him I get flashbacks. I can't stop them from happening.
That's also a big part of why I don't feel welcome. I was stupid and went with someone else's advice to delete his attack which only made him more angry and made it so that I have no evidence. Said person who had given me that advice later lied right to me and then threw me under the bus so to speak. Serves me right for trusting people I guess. As a result, no one believes me. (Which, incidentally, is another one of my triggers.)
Now, I've explained my situation to my friends and asked them if they would please come with me to help me out. Nope. Either they're working (fair enough), they don't believe/want to celebrate Pride, or they gave me no answer at all. Not one of my friends is willing or able to support me in this.
I feel I have to go though since I am the one who started the trans group in my city. So right now, I am in the middle of making a banner by myself using materials that I bought by myself because I got no answer when I asked for help in the group. I don't even know if anyone is going to be holding the other end of it. The only answers I got were maybes, a no, and two likes. What the heck does a like even mean? Are they coming or not? I don't even want this group to exist anymore. I don't get anything out of it. (Except drama. I hate f-ing hate drama.) The last and only time we got a sizable group of us together was last November. Ever since then, it's been groups of four, three, or two (including me). People just don't show up. It's very frustrating and disheartening.
Also, I sent one of the people selling Pride t-shirts that I would like one and she said she would come drop one of. She offered. I asked if she wanted to meet somewhere, but she said she was going to drop it off here. She also said she was going to send me a message to let me know she was coming and told me it would be after lunch. Oh it's after lunch alright. It is currently 8:40 in the evening. I have been available to message all afternoon. I have heard absolutely nothing from her. It was a beautiful day outside today and we were stuck indoors waiting. I understand that she would have been doing me a favour, but is it too much to ask that she at least let me know she wasn't coming?
Me and people don't get along.

Frankly? I don't think you should go. You have a lot of very valid reasons why you don't want to. I also am not particularly proud of being trans, but more than that, I really don't see the LGB community as good allies at all, because they don't understand transgender for the most part. So you're not alone in those feelings. And no support from your friends, no support from this group...why? Why should you give so much of yourself, and put yourself in an uncomfortable situation (Pride) when they aren't willing to carry their weight?

I think if you're going to go, it's because you WANT to. Not because you feel obligation. Especially obligation to people who aren't willing to give back.

You have my respect for starting a support group. I think if even one person shows up and you're helping them it must be rewarding. Interesting that you mention not getting anything out of it, did you start it looking to receive support, give support, or both? I'm thinking it's a combination since you make it sound like the first (and only) transgender group in your city? And I'd hold the other end of your banner if  I were there. Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Caleb and Devlyn.
It was a combination yeah. There nothing before I started the group. I have no idea if I'm helping anyone. I highly doubt it. I get drama and frustration out of it.

As a moderator here, I can tell you, if you're getting drama and frustration out of it, you are helping someone. You are. Take heart from that and know that you're making a difference.  Hugs, Devlyn

Oh I wasn't clear on what the frustration and drama are from. The drama: someone attacked our group, someone sent me sexist messages, and we got a couple ->-bleeped-<-s. The frustration is because barely anyone participates at all. If one were to compare it to this site, it would be like if barely anyone signed on.

You're doing good. It's standing up against the attacks, the sexist messages and the unwanted visitors that makes a safe place for others to get support. Trust me, I walk the perimeter here, I know what you're getting.  Keep it up, your group will gain momentum. Hugs, Devlyn

Edge, you are doing good. Anything worth doing will have challenges, and your involvement with that group is an example.

As for getting people involved, that's a tough thing to make happen. Give yourself credit for taking the initiative.

Thanks Suzi and Devlyn.

Update: Coincidently (or perhaps not), the guy who attacked our group has been bullying another member of the Pride committee.... and unlike me, she is keeping proof and made it known what he was doing. He is arguing it and (I hope) digging himself a deeper hole.
I limited my response to one message of support for her and have not responded to him at all. I have anger issues, therefore this is difficult for me, therefore I am proud of my control.

Also, one of the people who previously said maybe to being in the parade with me has said yes. Yes!

Yay! 

I'm sorry for whining and I'm trying to stop talking about my feelings and crap, but I'm not strong enough yet.
I am dreading going to the parade tomorrow. It really bothers me that not one of my friends is willing or able to support me (and there's only one who is willing, but unable). People keep saying everyone needs somebody. Well, this is what I'm supposed to need somebody for, but no one is there. This is why I don't want to want somebody there. Because they're NOT.
The head guy of the Pride committee noticed I said something about not feeling comfortable and asked me about it. He made it sound understanding, so I told him. That was stupid. He didn't respond. Probably thinks I'm being petty like everyone else does. No one understands what a flashback is. They think I should just "get over it" already. One doesn't just get over flashbacks because when they're happening, it is as if the cause of the flashback is happening again. Even after the actual flashback passes, I feel raw and bloody (figuratively) and it takes awhile for the emotions to settle down.
Or he thinks it's my fault or never happened which everyone thinks too. Sometimes, I wonder if they're right. Last night, the guy who had attacked my group and was bullying someone else started whining about she was bullying him instead of the other way around. It got me thinking. What if I'm one of those people? I mean, my friends aren't there, I don't get along with people, people keep hurting me and treating me as inferior... What if I'm the jerk and I just don't realize it? What if I deserve it?
But then, even if I am, what do I do? It's not that I care if I'm a jerk. But I don't want to be that guy who whines about things that are his fault. 'Course either way, I want to stop whining and I want to not want people.
I don't even know where I'm going with this. And talking about my weaknesses is disgusting.

Quote from: Edge on August 16, 2013, 10:17:46 PM
What if I'm one of those people? I mean, my friends aren't there, I don't get along with people, people keep hurting me and treating me as inferior... What if I'm the jerk and I just don't realize it? What if I deserve it?
But then, even if I am, what do I do?

I'm a proponent of being brutally honest with myself. If I think there is even the slightest chance I've done someone harm, I make amends as quickly as I can.

(If the lingo sounds familiar, I got it from reading 12-step literature).

Quote from: Edge on August 16, 2013, 10:17:46 PM
'Course either way, I want to stop whining and I want to not want people.
I don't even know where I'm going with this. And talking about my weaknesses is disgusting.

I'd like not to want people either. I'd like to be this strong superwoman who can be a loving mother to the whole word and never need encouragement myself.

Ain't gonna happen.

So instead I try to accept my flaws (while working on improving them) and love myself the way I am.

Also,

WEAKNESSES??? Seriously? You're the strongest guy I know.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 17, 2013, 07:12:54 AMI'm a proponent of being brutally honest with myself. If I think there is even the slightest chance I've done someone harm, I make amends as quickly as I can.

So do I. If I've done something wrong, I apologize profusely. There have been a couple times where I wasn't sorry (when I showed anger towards the person who attacked the trans group), but apologized anyway and a couple times when I didn't apologize because I didn't think I did anything wrong (a former friend went off on me for "not having a life" because I wasn't into the drinking and breaking minor laws thing). However, most of the time, I apologize. Of course, apologies don't fix what I did wrong, so I try not to do anything wrong in the first place. I'm not perfect though and I make mistakes.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 17, 2013, 07:12:54 AMI'd like to be this strong superwoman who can be a loving mother to the whole word and never need encouragement myself.

I can totally see you being the loving mother to the whole world.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 17, 2013, 07:12:54 AMSo instead I try to accept my flaws (while working on improving them) and love myself the way I am.

Me too. Unfortunately, one of my flaws is I don't get along with people, but still feel lonely.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 17, 2013, 07:12:54 AMWEAKNESSES??? Seriously? You're the strongest guy I know.

Aww thanks. This made my day.

Update: He got nothing. People still like him. After all, it's ok for him to start swearing and threatening people. Man, if I did that, I'd probably get myself murdered considering how harsh people are with me if I so much as politely correct them.
And I just found out that my abusive ex is on the page of another "friend" of mine. I wish more people had a problem with how he hurt me and my son. "Oh abuse and bullying are morally reprehensible. Unless it's happening to that guy. Then it's totally fine."
What the heck makes it so that other people can do things that are very obviously hurtful and meant to be hurtful and everyone is totally fine with it, but I do my best to stay out of trouble and I'm still... I don't know the word. "No matter the crimes committed against me, it is only I who will be called criminal." Story of my life.
I've been told to "get over it" and to stop caring about the vast differences between me and other people. I don't even know how to respond to that. Do you know what that does to a person? It's not something I can just "get over."
Screw them. "In demonizing me, you have outwitted yourself." I wish I could stop caring.

I pretty much dropped a group of friends because every thing I said was stupid and wrong and how big of an idiot was I to come up with such trash. My opinions and thoughts were not to be taken seriously and generally ignored. It got so bad that they would talk over me all the time after all I wasn't important enough to listen to. It got so bad I was getting sick with the thought of even going there so eventually I stopped. This all happened 5 or 6 years ago and I still have issues giving opinions, I do strongly suspect that any posts I made here on Susan's has not only not helped but actually hurt.

Do you have the ability to run your Trans group without the support of the lgbt group? If so you can still provide support and get away from all the jerks.

Heck, I don't have the support of the trans group to run the trans group. Anyway, I've left a message asking for help and, if no one responds, I'm shutting it down.
I don't think your posts have hurt. I remember there was one I really wanted to respond to, but I didn't know what to say. I can't remember what it was about though.

There are many here who need help so if your group doesn't succeed then you can help here

Quote from: Edge on August 18, 2013, 04:04:18 PM
I've been told to "get over it" and to stop caring about the vast differences between me and other people. I don't even know how to respond to that. Do you know what that does to a person? It's not something I can just "get over."

I totally get that. Some traumas leave such deep wounds in the soul that complete healing isn't possible.

I find I have to settle for acceptance. Acceptance means I know I'll always be angry about those events I can't change and that made me feel small and powerless. I allow myself to be angry, to feel the anger, and to face the powerlessness that generated it. It's no picnic, but at least it keeps me from getting down on myself, which I'm prone to do.

I hope this helps. You're a terrific person. You deserve to appreciate yourself.