I'm interested in knowing which part of transition was the most difficult for you emotionally. Was it the actual coming to terms with your gender issues, the working through the timeline of your transition, the telling of people close to you, the hormones, RLE, SRS, etc? What did you do to get past it? Looking back now, do you think those difficult times were just another thing to work through or were they serious "boulders" to your progress forward?

I'm not having any particular issues right now, just working on a timeline and how I want to move forward and I got to thinking about everyone and how their situations, although quite different and individualized, are also somewhat similar too. Any thoughts you have would be appreciated. Thanks, Meghan

Having to leave my family.

The guilt will never stop.

Buffy

Quote from: MeghanAndrews on July 07, 2007, 05:43:08 PM
I'm interested in knowing which part of transition was the most difficult for you emotionally. Was it the actual coming to terms with your gender issues, the working through the timeline of your transition, the telling of people close to you, the hormones, RLE, SRS, etc?

The worst part was deciding to do it.  Going through the steps have been easy in comparison.

Picking the keys up from my dresser to leave my family.  It took hours in my mind even though it was only a few seconds.  What a horrible day that was for all of us.  The torture that followed me for the next couple of years was nothing like that one moment where I made a decision that affected the lives of so many people.

They still hold it against me. On my side, I'm thankful that I'm still alive and that I've been able to support my children over the years as they have grown and married.  I know that had I stayed, their mother would have soon been a widow.

Cindi

HUm... Telling my then Fiancée that I was really a girl was the very hardest part.  Second hardest was telling telling my kids  Third was talking to the boss at work though it was a distant third.  Most of the steps have been more worrisome then anything else, more like rites of passage. 

There have been so many profoundly difficult experiences to my transition. For me, this is a very difficult question to answer. But, I truly was suffering from a life threatening illness. (I must caution the readers that I have an intensely complicated and philosophical definition of life, living and death.)

But, I was terminally ill. All, life is of supreme value, and must be saved at all costs. This is the first duty and obligation of membership in humanity, society, and good government. And all will be judged on this standard of the living by the living and by the eternal. But, in the United States, we tell you that you are potentially dying from this fatal illness, but refuse to help pay for the life saving medical treatments that are commonly available, because the American government does not what to be seen helping those none Christian, ugly, homosexual, perverts. That is not good politics, if you want to get re-elected. 

This is exactly what happened in the 1980s during the fright to get the United States to fund research for a cure for HIV. I know what I am talking about on this issue, for those whom know my former name; you can simply check the Congressional Record to confirm my credentials.

My quick and easy response to your question is that my most painful experience was when I discovered that my doctors (my high priced plastic surgeons) were really in it for the money, and cared little about me. Although, I have been betrayed by many throughout life, I have had few that took the Hippocratic Oath exploit me, at such a vulnerable time in my life, while on unconscious on an operating room table. I literally had cash (big amounts) taken from my wallet by a doctor while I laid unconscious in the operating room.


Godiva

Having the guts to even think about this stuff openly myself, I spent a long time dancing around the problem in my head.

A surprisingly difficult question.

For me, a number of things. Some directly related to transition (slow development) and some not but dove tale in anyway (finances). Many of the issues we normally face I have seen nothing of, rather I get different... hurts.

Quote from: MeghanAndrews on July 07, 2007, 05:43:08 PM
I'm interested in knowing which part of transition was the most difficult for you emotionally.

The day I walked into the bedroom, said to my wife, "I need to start HRT," and saw the tears welling up in her eyes...

~Kate~

Telling my guy-friends.  I knew some of these kids since elementary school, and some of them were not the most open-minded people I knew.  That and the fact high school can be a just a brutal environment made me put it off until a few months after I had told everyone else.  Once I had told the first one though, it became much easier after that.  I guess starting things is what I have problems with.

Telling my family.  They were also the serious bolder that was in the way of me doing anything (I lived with them when I was establishing my job).

Everything else was easy.  I had no wife or kids (thank god).  I have great friends and work in the most progressive environment you can work in.

Yup...Family.  I told them and they turned their back on me.  They are hypocrites anyway. 

The hardest pasrt for me has definitely been the loss of my girlfriend.  We love each other dearly. 

She wants a traditional relationship and a husband.  I wish I could give thast to her but I can't.  It's been very hard for both of us, and I dread the day that she starts dating someone else, but she is such an amazing person who has given me so much that I can't imagine life without her. 

Charlotte

I had to let go, and her me, of a beautiful, intelligent, soulful woman I still love incredibly because we both knew I could not be the man (physical form) she needed. But, she still loved me even when we broke up, very very sad time for 6 months for both of us, which precipitated my transition.

She lives in Kiev and her cultural background makes my not being "the man" even worse than it would be in this culture. Not to mention the incredible homophobia and in all Russian republics, also if you act out of norm, you may be branded crazy which is one of the worse thing that one can insult a russian with.

I've cut my connection to two russian friends I liked a lot from here (said to them I moved south america, even rerouted mail through there from a friend I have there!!!!) that know her, so the news of my transition would not get back to her. She has a great deal of very bad untreated anxiety (she has many panic attacks) and I don't want her to suffer because of me. I used to cry every time I thought about it, now I think I finally I am able to let her go.

Telling my parents & doctors their efforts to make me a boy was a failure.  Telling them I was a girl not a boy.  Having to undo the testosterone treatments and induce feminization thru estrogen & surgery.

Fighting with the U.K NHS system for 8 years and not being able to access treatment......so far nothing has been facilitated so my transition is non - existent......apart from being on hormones for 7 years..

I really think the hardest part for me was being young and stupid. I started at such a young age and I did not care what anyone thought. I turned into a recluse and did my own thing. I did not have too many friends to do things with. I did not come out of my shell until I was well into college, and not a lot then. Not knowing what direction to take many times led into depression. When I would party I would drink so that I did not care what anyone thought. I got so messed up at times  it really did not matter. My senior year of college was the turning point. When you make enough friends that support you, you start beleiving in yourself.
I was told by someone one time that God did not make mistakes. We are all here for a purpose. It finaly has sunk in.

Deb

hardest bit: working out wtf was wrong with me. and STARTING to do something about it, its all gotten easier as it goes by.

Quote from: Rachael on July 10, 2007, 06:30:38 PM
hardest bit: working out wtf was wrong with me. and STARTING to do something about it, its all gotten easier as it goes by.

Me too. Hardest part was just before actually doing anything - telling people, wondering what would happen to my relationships, my career and my body. It all went fine though.

Dennis

for me too largely.
aside from loosing my parents, alls gone smoothly

Reading through the posts it seems that "telling" and "leaving" are often the worst parts. Makes me feel such a coward for only "telling" one person (my SO) and just don't ask me to have the courage to "leave".
Much respect to you all, Louise