I'm gonna start this off with that I'm just posting this because I want to rant about it to someone and I know you guys can probably relate better than any of my friends. I don't expect any advice (though I'd appreciate it.)


Back when I was in 9th grade and I figured out I was trans, I was really clingy. Especially to friends, because I was so bad at making them. At the time (and still now) I was going to an all girl's school, one of my friends had just been kicked out, and the one other friend was also as clingy as I was. That, added to the fact that the school has a good reputation made me choose to stay at that school as a girl until I graduated rather than pursuing testosterone and switching schools. At the time, I thought waiting 3 years wouldn't be too bad.

Now I'm completely regretting that decision. The way my life has been unfolding recently has made not being close to T very difficult. I still have to rely on my parents to go places since we can't afford my insurance right now and thus I don't have a license.

After getting to spend the summer at college and basically living as Dean, it's been really hard for me to go back to being a girl. Add that to the fact that one of my good friends who is also a transguy is about to start T (don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for him, but it's hard not to be a little jealous) and I can never even get to the youth LGBT meetings in my area means I'm really struggling. My mom always wants to go to the beach, so she always plans trips without asking me first, and they always seem to get scheduled during the 'extra fabulous picnic' and things like that. I also can't get her alone to remind her to get me scheduled at a new therapist. I just feel like I have no control over my life right now.

I've planned out when I want to come out, when I hope to start T, etc. May 19th- the day after my graduation- I am going to come out on facebook. Hopefully that day start T, but anywhere close would be awesome too.
But with the way my life has been recently, I feel like this just won't work out. I'm scared that even this plan will fall through for some reason. For example, if my therapist needs a year's therapy, there goes starting T before college.

I dunno... I just really wanted to let that all out. I feel all alone right now, with no control over my life.

Big hug! Some day you'll look back and wonder why you were worried about this. Trust me! Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: CursedFireDean on August 22, 2013, 08:42:23 PM
I'm gonna start this off with that I'm just posting this because I want to rant about it to someone and I know you guys can probably relate better than any of my friends. I don't expect any advice (though I'd appreciate it.)


Back when I was in 9th grade and I figured out I was trans, I was really clingy. Especially to friends, because I was so bad at making them. At the time (and still now) I was going to an all girl's school, one of my friends had just been kicked out, and the one other friend was also as clingy as I was. That, added to the fact that the school has a good reputation made me choose to stay at that school as a girl until I graduated rather than pursuing testosterone and switching schools. At the time, I thought waiting 3 years wouldn't be too bad.

Now I'm completely regretting that decision. The way my life has been unfolding recently has made not being close to T very difficult. I still have to rely on my parents to go places since we can't afford my insurance right now and thus I don't have a license.

After getting to spend the summer at college and basically living as Dean, it's been really hard for me to go back to being a girl. Add that to the fact that one of my good friends who is also a transguy is about to start T (don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for him, but it's hard not to be a little jealous) and I can never even get to the youth LGBT meetings in my area means I'm really struggling. My mom always wants to go to the beach, so she always plans trips without asking me first, and they always seem to get scheduled during the 'extra fabulous picnic' and things like that. I also can't get her alone to remind her to get me scheduled at a new therapist. I just feel like I have no control over my life right now.

I've planned out when I want to come out, when I hope to start T, etc. May 19th- the day after my graduation- I am going to come out on facebook. Hopefully that day start T, but anywhere close would be awesome too.
But with the way my life has been recently, I feel like this just won't work out. I'm scared that even this plan will fall through for some reason. For example, if my therapist needs a year's therapy, there goes starting T before college.

I dunno... I just really wanted to let that all out. I feel all alone right now, with no control over my life.

It looks like you have a lot on your plate right now.  The best thing I can tell you is to take everything one step at a time.  If May 19th is when you want to come out etc. and start T, then do everything that you can in order to achieve those goals.  I don't know about your situation but talk to your therapist and be very clear and honest with your intentions.  There may be a chance you won't need a years therapy, but if you do, you could look for another therapist. 

I really do understand your desire to get on with your life and take T, I really do, but keep pushing and you should get to where you need to be eventually.  I say keep pushing because you're going to have struggles no matter what.  If you hide under the bed and do nothing (not saying that you do that but I'm only using a metaphorical example), struggles will come where you are lol.  At least if you are pushing toward your goals, you are moving faster.

I hope all goes well with you.  From the other posts I've seen from you, I can tell that you are a bright person and you will find a way to overcome this.

I completely understand, because I've been putting off coming out and getting on T for education.  I don't really have any tips on how to cope with it, except what my girlfriend always tells me, that the next year is going to be hell, but after that I can be who I want and I'll be in the best place possible.  If you ditched school (not that you sound like the sort of person who would) and got on T, once the novelty of being on T wore off then you'd probably really regret ruining your education.  Yeah you could go back, but it wouldn't be easy, and it probably wouldn't be at the school you're at now because you'd look like a guy then.

I feel for you. I was in similar shoes myself many years ago, so I remember what it's like to be a young trans* person with no control over their life. I also know that once we've come to the conclusion that transition is necessary and vital for our well-being, it's very difficult to be held back by that lack of control. Yes, whilst you're not working and don't have your own car, insurance etc. it's difficult to move forward as quickly as you like. But this is very much a temporary situation and it does get better.

Here's the secret they don't tell teenagers and young adults: control over your own life isn't something that is magically given to you by other people when you reach a certain age. It is something you have to take for yourself as soon as you're able and willing to do so. You have to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps; you can't wait for other people to hand you the reins because they won't.

You've made a very positive step by giving yourself a date to work towards. It'd be a great idea to complete as much of your social transition as possible before you get to that point. So think about what you'd like to achieve and try to do as much as possible, one thing at a time, to keep you moving towards your goal. Every item you can tick of that list will help to keep you motivated and make you feel more in control. You could also try to be as proactive as possible about some of the other stuff you've mentioned, to give you some control:

• Does your trans friend have access to transport? Would he be willing to accompany (or take) you to LGBT meetings in your area?
• If your mom keeps organising things at inconvenient times, you could always pre-empt that by saying "I'm going out next Saturday/at the end of the month/whatever" as soon as you've found something you'd like to attend. If you tell her in advance that you're going out with a friend on a specific day, then you have a pre-arranged outing for that date and your mom probably won't book anything involving you for that day. Give her as much notice as possible but make sure she's aware that you're simply not available on certain days. Don't wait for her to ask you whether you want to go out; get in there first!
  
• Take charge of those therapist appointments by calling/texting/emailing your mom and asking her whether she can book you in. Include their contact details with the reminder to make it easy for her to do it. You could always contact the therapist's office in confidence and ask how long they usually want a patient to be in therapy before approving hormones, so you can get some idea of what to expect. Don't wait for 'the right time' to get her alone: just do it, because if you keep waiting for the right time, it'll never turn up.

Look at how much closer you are to May than to when you first figured out you were trans. If you were to draw a chart with the date you first realised you were trans as your start point, and 19 May as your end point, marking each month along the way... you'd see that many months have passed since you first realised you're trans, and you only have a few more to go. You're on the home stretch.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on August 23, 2013, 05:49:34 AM
I feel for you. I was in similar shoes myself many years ago, so I remember what it's like to be a young trans* person with no control over their life. I also know that once we've come to the conclusion that transition is necessary and vital for our well-being, it's very difficult to be held back by that lack of control. Yes, whilst you're not working and don't have your own car, insurance etc. it's difficult to move forward as quickly as you like. But this is very much a temporary situation and it does get better.

Here's the secret they don't tell teenagers and young adults: control over your own life isn't something that is magically given to you by other people when you reach a certain age. It is something you have to take for yourself as soon as you're able and willing to do so. You have to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps; you can't wait for other people to hand you the reins because they won't.

You've made a very positive step by giving yourself a date to work towards. It'd be a great idea to complete as much of your social transition as possible before you get to that point. So think about what you'd like to achieve and try to do as much as possible, one thing at a time, to keep you moving towards your goal. Every item you can tick of that list will help to keep you motivated and make you feel more in control. You could also try to be as proactive as possible about some of the other stuff you've mentioned, to give you some control:

• Does your trans friend have access to transport? Would he be willing to accompany (or take) you to LGBT meetings in your area?
• If your mom keeps organising things at inconvenient times, you could always pre-empt that by saying "I'm going out next Saturday/at the end of the month/whatever" as soon as you've found something you'd like to attend. If you tell her in advance that you're going out with a friend on a specific day, then you have a pre-arranged outing for that date and your mom probably won't book anything involving you for that day. Give her as much notice as possible but make sure she's aware that you're simply not available on certain days. Don't wait for her to ask you whether you want to go out; get in there first!
  
• Take charge of those therapist appointments by calling/texting/emailing your mom and asking her whether she can book you in. Include their contact details with the reminder to make it easy for her to do it. You could always contact the therapist's office in confidence and ask how long they usually want a patient to be in therapy before approving hormones, so you can get some idea of what to expect. Don't wait for 'the right time' to get her alone: just do it, because if you keep waiting for the right time, it'll never turn up.

Look at how much closer you are to May than to when you first figured out you were trans. If you were to draw a chart with the date you first realised you were trans as your start point, and 19 May as your end point, marking each month along the way... you'd see that many months have passed since you first realised you're trans, and you only have a few more to go. You're on the home stretch.

I loved this FTMDiaries.  This is beautifully written and so true, something I am learning for myself, slowly but surely as a young transman.  Thank you for writing this.