Hi everyone,

I just thought that i would share with you guys my own uncertainties on whether I may be trans or not.

As some of you may now, I have always been gender-non conforming ever since I could remember (age 3). I would play with Barbies, and imagine myself being the girl and living life as a girl. I would dress up in my sisters clothes, play with long hair, and wish that I had long acrylic nails like my mother.

I always gravitated, and still do, towards girls and girly things. I have always been turned off by sports, especially manly sports. I love shopping and picking out fragrances and have always bought things that were feminine without giving it a second thought, unless one of my family members said something. I have experimented makeup and dressing in girls clothes not for the thrill, but to feel calming and comfortable.

The thing that gets me is that I am not uncomfortable with my genitalia. I actually enjoy the pleasure that it brings me. But when the dysphoria comes in, it's my body that is the problem. My torso is becoming less curvy, my rib cage is becoming bigger, I'm growing hair in places that horrifies me, and I even notice that I hate the way my face is looking more like a cave man. And I'm beginning to grow facial hair and I'm afraid that once it comes in, it will never go away "unless I do electrolysis".

When I ask myself," do you want to live the rest of your life as a girl?" I get excited at the thought that that is an option. I really do feel like I would be more comfortable living as a woman. What do you guys think? I know that it is ultimately me who is the one who defines who I am, but I want to hear from you guys and see your opinions. I know that I need to see a gender therapist ASAP, but until then, I have you guys for support (:

Thanks for taking the time to read this and look forward to hear from you guys.

Thank you Emily for giving me a better understanding. I know more about being trans and gender dysphoria more than the average person, but I still have a lot to learn.

And for the hair, I totally feel ya. Once I get a razor I will surely be taking care of my legs lol

Quote from: Chrystal on August 24, 2013, 03:51:35 PM
Hi everyone,

I just thought that i would share with you guys my own uncertainties on whether I may be trans or not.

As some of you may now, I have always been gender-non conforming ever since I could remember (age 3). I would play with Barbies, and imagine myself being the girl and living life as a girl. I would dress up in my sisters clothes, play with long hair, and wish that I had long acrylic nails like my mother.

I always gravitated, and still do, towards girls and girly things. I have always been turned off by sports, especially manly sports. I love shopping and picking out fragrances and have always bought things that were feminine without giving it a second thought, unless one of my family members said something. I have experimented makeup and dressing in girls clothes not for the thrill, but to feel calming and comfortable.

The thing that gets me is that I am not uncomfortable with my genitalia. I actually enjoy the pleasure that it brings me. But when the dysphoria comes in, it's my body that is the problem. My torso is becoming less curvy, my rib cage is becoming bigger, I'm growing hair in places that horrifies me, and I even notice that I hate the way my face is looking more like a cave man. And I'm beginning to grow facial hair and I'm afraid that once it comes in, it will never go away "unless I do electrolysis".

When I ask myself," do you want to live the rest of your life as a girl?" I get excited at the thought that that is an option. I really do feel like I would be more comfortable living as a woman. What do you guys think? I know that it is ultimately me who is the one who defines who I am, but I want to hear from you guys and see your opinions. I know that I need to see a gender therapist ASAP, but until then, I have you guys for support (:

Thanks for taking the time to read this and look forward to hear from you guys.

I am very much in the same situation minus that I haven't always leaned towards the more feminine side of things. In fact I can't even give any advice due to the fact that I am still working things out for myself. All I can say is you aren't alone and I know where you are coming from. Listening to other people's stories, in the post I made about my doubts, has really cleared some things up for me. I hope the same happens for you and wish you luck on dealing with your doubts and fears.

Also speaking only for myself facial and male body hair is not fun I really wish even if I never decide to transition that I didn't ever have it. The good thing about that is if you do go and get it removed and decide not to transition it's not really that big of a deal if you don't have it.There are plenty of males who don't have facial hair and have little to no body hair either (lucky bastards) but that's a decision for you.

P.S. Shaving your legs at least for me has been nice I might wish I didn't have the rest of my body hair but there is something about shaving my legs that makes me feel more feminine.

I've read your post ComplicateMe and feel like we are fighting a similar battle. Whatever happens to our future I hope that we will be happy in the end

Quote from: Chrystal on August 24, 2013, 03:51:35 PM
When I ask myself," do you want to live the rest of your life as a girl?" I get excited at the thought that that is an option. I really do feel like I would be more comfortable living as a woman. What do you guys think?"

I think that speaks volumes alone. There are many ladies who opt to keep their original parts for a variety of reasons. Your genitals do not define your gender.

Something that I think is sadly discussed to seldom around this forum is that there is a range of gender states. It's not just an either this or this or that thing. I think it's more like different degrees or levels.

Personally, I have always been very much on the dividing line between genders and after several decades of life I have come to happy with that. I'm fine with my genitalia, but I never felt comfortable in the traditional male role (as well as look) and have always escaped it in one way or the other.

People like you and I have to be more creative with our lifestyle, but the I can safely say it's infinitely more satisfying to be different in a way that feels entirely right than to try and fit into someone else's stereotype.

Don't feel pressured to conform to some perceived standard for being "trans". If you feel like looking and acting feminine, that is a real thing and it is who you are. There's no need to do anything more or less. Decide for yourself how you want to be and you'll always be happy.

~ Lyric ~

Hi Chrystal,
    Like the others have said, there are so many different symptoms, things we do or don't hate about our male bodies and the roles males are expected  to fit into those roles. That said, I'd say you sound like you are transgendered to me, but I'm not a doctor. I would try to start making inroads on deciding, because I think you look very feminine and you will be beautiful if you decide to transition. I hate the word 'decision' in the same sentences as the words to 'change your gender' or 'transition'. I don't believe it's a decision for some people. You aren't more than 15 or 16, are you? It looks and sounds like you've got a long way until your physical changes from testosterone have finished deforming and poisoning you. If you were to block your testosterone and begin HRT, you could stop what the testosterone would do and in its place estrogen would give you secondary female sex characteristics, i.e. breasts, female waist, hips, butt and no facial hair. I told my mom at 12 I was in the wrong body, something I'd told her at age 4, too. But on the other hand, I loved baseball, basketball and tennis, but especially motocross. So how does that figure for a girl in a boy's body? I did and do hate my male parts. I'll have my two year living full time anniversary on September 7th, and can honestly say I hadn't had a month, no, a day, without thinking I'm not supposed to be doing this, living as a male. I went for decades in my life where the only thing that turned my mind off from transitioning was motocross, basketball, tennis or, eventually, heroin. I never think about anything about my past in a positive way, and though I try not to, once in awhile I really wish that I was your age again, and I'd beg my parents to let me live as a girl. Things are different now than when I was your age, and the sooner you can figure out who you really are and how you want to live in this world, the better. Don't wait years, or like many of us on Susan's Place, decades before you transition, if that's what you want to do, not when you have a really feminine face now, and a great chance to live happily. God bless you Chrystal, Mira

Thank you Miranda. I am deciding right now becuase I don't want to have any further "damage" done to my body. Thank you for taking your time to post, and for everyone else who posted.

Chrystal, what toys you played with, if you polished your nails, or how you dressed, are not nearly as important as how you view your internal self.  Those other things are all part of sociological gender expectations, rather than being part of your gender identity.

Let me put it another way.  Think back to a time when humans were still largely nomadic hunter gatherers.  They wore essentially the same sort of clothing (or none at all), and had many of the same roles in their primitive cultures.  What might have been the gender expressions that denoted masculine or feminine?  Secondary sex characteristics were certainly in play as for identification, and as gender roles developed.

I tend to think it had to do with who you were more comfortable being around.  I am sure, even in those days, there were masculine girls and feminine boys, and some who fit both categories.

See, that's where I get myself hung up, personally. While I have some feminine characteristics, I've also got very odd characteristics to make me even question if I am trans to begin with. For instance, I have always hung out with boys, found many girls irritating, especially when emotional control is not properly exercised, and had very few female friends. Those I did have were either intelligent, tomboys, or both. I've been a bit of a smarty my entire life so I was not super social to begin with, but I'm beginning to wonder if being intelligent was the only reason I didn't quite fit in with most of the 'guys'. I usually hung out with the nerdy, drama, or outcastish guys. I will admit though, after poking around in IRC and thinking that since I was a computer geek, I could not be trans....man was I wrong. o.O Some of the people in there have my computer knowledge beat by leagues...and they're 1 year younger than me. In terms of genitalia, mine kind of bothers me. My inner desire is to 'be' a woman and while I know genitalia doesn't define you, I still wouldn't feel complete without putting an axe to my second less-efficient brain.

But to answer your question, I think the defining factor of if you are trans or not is how you emotionally react to the idea. If being called feminine makes you try to fight back a smile, or the idea of living your life as a man forever emotionally disturbs you to some extent, I think at that point it's very likely.

I am also in the I don't hate the dangly bits camp. In fact, like you, we've had a lot of great times together. Yet, the answer is pretty clear when it comes to my preference for what should be there. Throughout my entire life SRS was never a priority. Simply being and accepted as a girl was all I wished for. Panty checks, outside of Crocodile Dundee movies, rarely occur. Feeling good about being me, living inside my skin, and what I see looking back at me in the mirror were things I wanted to constantly occur.

It is absolutely amazing what happens in your life after self-acceptance