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How do I know..

Started by carrie359, August 30, 2013, 05:57:10 PM

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carrie359

Loaded question I know.... but here goes.. and of course I will get really into it with my therapist..in detail.
How do I know Its just not a fetish thing....?
Lets see at 4 wanted lipstick got caught wearing dresses in middle school.. at home not at school... dad telling me to stand like a guy, don't fold my arms that way I look like a girl,, praying to god I want to be a girl please help  having dreams of being a girl with other girls on the playground waking up and crying because of reality..
Then come the m word... for me when I did it I was a girl with a vagina... fantasy.  Praying my chest would grow and no one could stop me from becoming a girl...
Its confusing because I am not gay..   
I was kind of hoping I could be diagnosed with just a fetish kinky thing.. something I could live with... but deep down I know.. right... or was I just a confused little boy..
BTW I was already diagnosed by two therapists when I was 29.. 54 now... but its funny how I still question.. I want to be certain I make the right decision...
Carrie
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Lesley_Roberta

First off, the gay comment.

You are only gay if you want a man sexually. If you dream of being female, that doesn't make you defacto gay, but you might get called gay by defacto ignorant jerks who only can think of one insult.

Soo, in the end, if you think you are female, well that is your business eh. But being 54 does tend to mean you might be limited to being an older woman eh. Your chances of playing the school girl are likely over like mine are :)
Well being TG is no treat, but becoming separated has sure caused me more trouble that being TG ever will be. So if I post, consider it me trying to distract myself from being lonely, not my needing to discuss being TG. I don't want to be separated a lot more than not wanting to be male looking.
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carrie359

Lesley,
Yep, I am past the school yard thing... and when I was diagnosed and cried with my therapist.. I had an overwhelming sense of loss.. they said I was mourning my loss of what could have been and can never be... I healed.. raised my family and now its hit me like a tidal wave.
One day I say no way can I ever bring this on my family... and I think I can go on. Wake up the next day and here I am again..
I read that once the bell goes off its hard to stop the feelings...
I have no idea what will happen in therapy.. its been many years... I will seek the truth but have a feeling I already know it...
Oh and the gay word.. I have total respect for the LGBT community... my father later came out and my sister is gay...
I think his trying to get me to act like a man was part of his own sense of insecurity with who he was...
Sadly we never had a chance to talk about my GID he died of Aids before I knew about GID.....
Carrie
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Sammy

So, it has come back, right? :( It hit me again when I was just to turn 35.  I was hoping things would stay that way and I would not have to deal with that overwhelming sense of loss and not belonging which so terribly manifested during my childhood. Well, I was wrong - it hit me straight into the forehead and I had no idea what to do, because all my coping mechanisms just failed one by one unti I was left alone with my inner feelings. I had a relatively peaceful period after my puberty ended with complete disaster – see I was doing those prayers too, and moreover, I had ABSOLUTE CONVICTION that now my bewbs will grow out. But it never happened – so I found ways to shuffle that all away.  But, as I said, sadly that is never a permanent solution. When I finally accepted myself and started to search about dysphoria and all sources confirmed that it is not going to go away and cannot be left on its own... its when I realised that this time I am not going to get through this and I wont be able to deal with this alone (like I did previously). So, yup, here I am, almost 9 months later and having started my hormones. Unlike other people here, it was probably not a necessity for me, but I clearly realised two things:
-   sooner or later, I will have to deal with it in my life;
-   now is the time, because later I probably wont be strong enough and would just opt out for the messy outcome and did not want to live with a backthougth that I will be committing a suicide in 10-15 years.

And now about that gay thing. When I was teen, my first sexual fantasies were about having an intercourse with a man. My unsuccessful masturbation experiences (I never learned that male-way until I was over 20 y.o.) were made in the female way and with female inner visualisation. I was never a man during those fantasies – I was girl with full set of female genitals. By the way, I have never had an intercourse with a man, because I dont want it to happen while I have  mostly male body. Though, I have to admit, the further I go into the HRT, the more thrilling those prospects become... In the end – is it not natural for a woman to desire being loved and held in the arms of a man?  Yet, I am quite attracted to women as well- but n a different sense. Maybe, I will never allow a man to touch myself, but that would not make me any less of a woman. Andi f I would allow that to happen – that would definitely not make me gay. I hope some of this helps, though it is not very comprehensible.
:)
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carrie359

Emily
You know how I coped.. I bought planes, cars boats, guns, and spent a fortune ...all my life..I could retire now on the money I blew coping... I could have had 10 SRS and 5 FFS done my now.. although if I had transitioned may not have made the money I made as a man.
I would buy things then find they did not make me happy... then I would worry about money and sell them...sometimes at a loss..
Thanks for sharing with me your story and thoughts...
By now it should not surprise me that many of us have had so many similar experiences....
Amazingly, after 50 years of this for me I don't think it will be a passing fancy... the feelings will not go away and leave me alone.
I may have to  transition but will do it boldly knowing who I am with no apologies.. It will be so hard.
Just the beard removal thing is scaring me.. and I have back hair.. yuck...and chest...  yuck.. I hope HRT if I transition will soften that and I can manage..
And expense.. I think I could spend as much as 25k on hair removal..
Carrie
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suzifrommd

Quote from: carrie359 on August 30, 2013, 05:57:10 PM
How do I know Its just not a fetish thing....?

I knew for sure when I started going out presenting as a woman and being in social situations as a female. When it became clear that I felt far more natural as a woman than I ever had as a man, that's when I was sure that it wasn't a sexual thing.

Just be warned - even if you are trans (and not a fetishist), there is a lot of euphoria associated with seeing yourself as a woman.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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JoanneB

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 31, 2013, 10:54:41 AM
I knew for sure when I started going out presenting as a woman and being in social situations as a female. When it became clear that I felt far more natural as a woman than I ever had as a man, that's when I was sure that it wasn't a sexual thing.
This really clinched it for me. Back several years I once again ventured out in the real world as the real me and felt...... absolute perfect.

I did experience the fetish aspects way back in my teen years and early 20's. By mid-late 20's I knew for sure there was a LOT more to my desire to be a woman. Coincidentally also around the same time after two failed experiments towards transitioning I resigned myself to be a CD++ and tried my best to be a guy
.          (Pile Driver)  
                    |
                    |
                    ^
(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)
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Ciara

Hi Carrie,
The answer to that question is within you. You will eventually see the answer (whichever it may be). It may take some time and I am sure your therapist will help you along the way but in the end only you can know that you are a woman or that it is a fetish.

Like you I have had a life of wishing, dressing, fantasies of having a female body but always ending in tears......all this while raising my family.
After years of suppressed feelings, I have finally this year accepted who I am and what I am. I know that I am a woman, and since I accepted this I have found peace with myself and my femininity. The fear, the shame, the guilt are all gone and I am learning to love myself and all around me. I have found happiness.

While I would dearly love to transition, circumstances and environment will not allow it, but I am OK with that.

So, that is how I knew......I hope that when you know the answer to your question, it will also bring peace and happiness to your life.

Ciara.
I don't have a gender issue.
I love being a girl.



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carrie359

Ciara and all who are contributing to this string... I am grateful...
I do know.. I have always known... I know in my heart deep inside..   I asked the question to hear from you wonderful souls about your own feelings on knowing.
This has helped me confirm my feelings.. I know a therapist will do the same...

Here is the amazing thing... I can transition if I want to.. I have the financial means.. I also have many fall back measures that I think it is possible God showed me in the last few days.. I prayed to him to take me or show me the way...  I was killing myself with food.. overeating... all while my body is super youthful and healthy.. I in a sense did not care  to live anymore..
I am planing my plan to transition and learning more everyday.. I will do so carefully with all that I learn... It is possible I may not transition but most likely I will.
I am tired of the lie to myself and others around me.. its time for that to end.. Its not worth the pain to myself or the dishonesty to my wife..
I worry about my son  but not really him.. he loves me I know he will find a way.. but its his wife and others..
So thank you.. I hope one day I can help others.
Carrie
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Sammy

Quote from: carrie359 on August 31, 2013, 10:45:04 AM
Emily
You know how I coped.. I bought planes, cars boats, guns, and spent a fortune ...all my life..I could retire now on the money I blew coping... I could have had 10 SRS and 5 FFS done my now.. although if I had transitioned may not have made the money I made as a man.
I would buy things then find they did not make me happy... then I would worry about money and sell them...sometimes at a loss..
Thanks for sharing with me your story and thoughts...

Oh, yes... I know. Spending money on everything which would make the world look upon You and see how masculine You are. So that You might look at Yourself through the eyes of the rest of the world - and see that manly man, to try to convince Yourself. And yet, another month or year and old insecurity is back - and You desperately search for something new which might help to enforce Your inner "man" - except he is not there and there is nothing to enforce.
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carrie359

Emily,
Maybe one say when I buy a plane in a few years I can paint the tail pink... 
... I think that is a  good Idea... of course I will probably go broke on hair removal... and all that time sitting... I better get some good books.
Carrie
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Rachel

I always knew the way I felt. Growing up I was introduced to trauma and guilt and shame. When I finally admitted to myself I am Trans* I was 50 and only because I had only one other option left. I had put myself in what was then thought a better of two outcomes and only slightly better. I was so wrong, I chose my identity and I am really happy I did. I am starting to awaken to life, I mean living and experiencing feelings and being in the present.

HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas in 2020 FEMLAR
  • skype:Rachel?call
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