So, it has come back, right?
It hit me again when I was just to turn 35. I was hoping things would stay that way and I would not have to deal with that overwhelming sense of loss and not belonging which so terribly manifested during my childhood. Well, I was wrong - it hit me straight into the forehead and I had no idea what to do, because all my coping mechanisms just failed one by one unti I was left alone with my inner feelings. I had a relatively peaceful period after my puberty ended with complete disaster – see I was doing those prayers too, and moreover, I had ABSOLUTE CONVICTION that now my bewbs will grow out. But it never happened – so I found ways to shuffle that all away. But, as I said, sadly that is never a permanent solution. When I finally accepted myself and started to search about dysphoria and all sources confirmed that it is not going to go away and cannot be left on its own... its when I realised that this time I am not going to get through this and I wont be able to deal with this alone (like I did previously). So, yup, here I am, almost 9 months later and having started my hormones. Unlike other people here, it was probably not a necessity for me, but I clearly realised two things:
- sooner or later, I will have to deal with it in my life;
- now is the time, because later I probably wont be strong enough and would just opt out for the messy outcome and did not want to live with a backthougth that I will be committing a suicide in 10-15 years.
And now about that gay thing. When I was teen, my first sexual fantasies were about having an intercourse with a man. My unsuccessful masturbation experiences (I never learned that male-way until I was over 20 y.o.) were made in the female way and with female inner visualisation. I was never a man during those fantasies – I was girl with full set of female genitals. By the way, I have never had an intercourse with a man, because I dont want it to happen while I have mostly male body. Though, I have to admit, the further I go into the HRT, the more thrilling those prospects become... In the end – is it not natural for a woman to desire being loved and held in the arms of a man? Yet, I am quite attracted to women as well- but n a different sense. Maybe, I will never allow a man to touch myself, but that would not make me any less of a woman. Andi f I would allow that to happen – that would definitely not make me gay. I hope some of this helps, though it is not very comprehensible.
