I hate it with every fiber of my being. My face and body was poisoned by T since I was about 13, and trying to mold all of that into female has been hell. It could have been better, but it could have been worse I guess. HRT and electrolysis certainly are no fun. I haven't even had FFS or SRS yet, or done any legal paperwork changes. That is all coming very soon though.

The worst part? Not being accepted by this world, or even more, not being accepted by my parents. I am, however, completely over that bull->-bleeped-<-. I really don't even care anymore about going to the drug store and getting hormones or doctor's offices or what strangers see me do or where they see me or how they see me or if they clock me or whatever. Once I realized they don't have to accept me, everything was OK. 

Hate is the wrong word for me. It makes me very sad. I get these stabs if sorrow every time I'm forcibly reminded that my body would be far closer to the way I feel if I'd only grown up without testosterone wrecking me

I used to hate it a lot more but the HRT is making things much better. Hate corrodes the container it's held in so I learned to accept it. Do I wish I was cis? of course, but as far as I am concerned Im female. I look female, I act female, people view me as female. And soon I will have no male bits. soon being a year or two. it is what it is and so I just try to move on and have a half-life as completely female in everyway except reproductively. Life gets better. Hrt helps. SRS will cure a lot of my genital dysphoria. and so I guess I wouldn't say i hate it now. it is what it is.

i sometimes hate it and sometimes don't, but i don't love it. i just wish i were born male so that i could go to a boys school, have male buddies and later have a girlfriend and then marry her and lead a beautiful life. i hate it when i have to sit back and watch without getting involved at some instances because i don't want to play the girl's role, and they wouldn't let me play the boy's or i'd be too shy and reluctant to do what i prefer fearing i would be questioned. i hate the fact that i can't ask out a girl i fall for.
but, being trans has given me an open mind, and i've understood many facts about life and relationships. so in the aspect of spiritual health, i'm kinda glad i was born trans and given a chance to look at the world from a different angle. but still, life would have been a lot easier without all the fuss about transition.

Do I wish that I could snap my fingers and have the body and life of a natal female?? Yes.

But of course I can't. So I am just grateful that I still kind of have my youth, and the tenacity and patience to make the change.

And in the end, I will be that much stronger, and my life that much richer.

So no....I can't hate it. As hard as it is, and frustrating, and painful...these experiences make me the person that I am.

While I wish I weren't transsexual, I won't say I absolutely hate it, at least not as much as I just generally hate myself and for all I know, I'd probably feel that way about myself regardless of the whole trans thing.

I hated myself until I finally understood and accepted that I was transsexual. Today, to the extent  that it seems that I can finally  openly be me in all dimensions of my life, not only do I not hate being trans, I actually almost see it as a gift.

Quite an expensive gift given everything I have had to do to have a physical presentation I am finally comfortable with but in return I have the impression that I have the privilege to live a most extraordinary adventure.

There has been the whole transition process which I have been able to live as an observer of my own life and quite simply the fact that overall, I am much happier with the person who has emerged from this process than the person I was before.

At a very different level, when you have been deprived of things you have wanted for ever and ever, the satisfaction that comes with finally getting them quickly overrides everything that has gone before.

Life being what it is, I would be very naïve to imagine that it will all be lightness and happiness from now on but that is true independently of any gender issues and at least I continue my life with the knowledge that I finally allowed myself to fully BE the person I always was. That feeling is priceless.

Absolutely not, I love being an openly transwoman and consider it a gift. Hating yourself will not make it go away so I've learned to accept. It is what it is. Although there are some downs such as being looked down by some and disowned by some family members, the pros outweigh the cons in my situation.
Pros:
-I'm surprised and feel lucky by the type who would spend some time with me intimately regardless of my pre-op status; by those whom are popular in this city such as restaurant owners, athletes, a boss of mine who I consider the sexiest man alive, etc.
-As many of you said, you live as and experience both sexes. You learn how differently people react and treat appearing women and men.
-For some reason, it has been noticed a couple of friends shared secrets with me that they say they never shared with anyone else and hope you all experience the same kind of trust from your friends! Maybe they feel like they can trust you more than others based on the assumption of you being unlikely to judge?
-At the transition phrase you get to see who really love you regardless or not worth letting them in your life any longer.
-You feel good knowing you are a very brave person and have the courage that others don't. Transitioning makes you a strong person so you are used to ->-bleeped-<-ty people or things and might handle situations better than most.
-We get to see someone's true colors faster or read people better, I believe.

I've been deaf my whole life too which I also consider a gift. There are still cons of being deaf so just know there is someone that had it worse than you did My biological family did the most hurtful and unbelievable things to me than any human being has, for instance.

I definitely hate it. No amount of justification or philosophy seems to provide relief from this particular lot in life for me.

- I can't have children the way I'd like.
- Many people will never accept me if they find out.
- I feel like a second class human around the people who do accept me.
- I have to gamble every time I encounter a potential boyfriend that I like. Heck, I don't even feel like I can try right now.
- I don't feel like I've had a chance to experience both genders. Rather, both genders confuse the heck out of me: I didn't get to grow up as a female, and I don't understand the male world or want to relate to it.
- I have to save up a ton of money for surgeries and spend no money on anything else. It's emotionally exhausting and isolating.
- I have to delay my life to take care of these things.

Ugh, I could go on, I don't even want to. I'm sick to death of thinking about it all -- and, you know, that's a huge part of the issue. Thinking about it. Feeling plagued by it. I don't want this. Why would anyone ever want this? Sure, it's forced me to have a perspective with far more humility and empathy than the average person, but that doesn't make me any happier or more content to be what I am.

I'm just tired. I'm so very tired. It always seems to come back to being transgendered.

I kinda hate it, I think. I wish I didn't. The now compared to aeons ago? Much preferable. But it's like comparing dysentery to a bleeding ulcer or something. One is very bad and might kill me. The other isn't anything I'd actually want though.

And in fuller disclosure I'm IS and have two X chromosomes. My gonads were not either/or. If this sounds like a good thing, consider: the longer I left it, the more this unresolved puberty was wrecking me, and I do mean health-wise. Also I had female pattern baldness over my entire head, which was awash with sores, lumps and scabs. HRT arrested and somewhat reversed that, but to this day my hair is Scalp Central even if I part it on the temples or whatever. It's okay/acceptable, but, you know, age 19 I had this lustrous mane I was very proud of and I think about that more or less every day. My complexion was totally messed-up, and I've still not, as a 'mature' individual, managed to get that sand-blasted yet. It was hideous to go through this and in some ways I think a proper puberty (even if a male one) would be less disturbing.

And scars... yes. Barren I might well have been, but my somewhat infantile member was basically functional and a T level of about 25-30 was enough to get it playing up fairly regularly. I can't imagine that experience as a physical reality now, but of course I can see it inside a window of memory and the repulsiveness is simply there. I can't erase it. I know this is not a female experience, but it's mine, and something I'd give anything not to have gone through. I didn't engage in sexual activity but I did feel urged to 'relieve' that stuff. Fortunately it would quell it pretty good, sometimes for weeks or months. There was no pleasure in it. Just making something stop for a while. There's no condescension in this: I think anyone less afflicted in that respect is very lucky. It isn't a badge of honour because it's something that will never go away. And in saying that, I mean sometimes I can get mildly suicidal about it. Just thinking about it. And I don't want to. The hurt spans a lot of years now, quite effortlessly.

Overall it's a small issue as I'm depressed about other stuff. I don't completely hate it, really, but I think I mostly do.

Although if I had a partner, that would makes a lot of things better. That gap in my life is quite painful. I've only been intimate with two people and they were both bad news. To the extent that I don't really trust what anyone might be thinking, and I do have a friend who lectures me about this semi-regularly. To no avail, sad to say. A het guy, too, who tells me the idea of having sex with me doesn't trouble him intellectually as he doesn't consider me in any way male. Maybe he's being kind. Don't know.

Sorry if this is another downer (I see some others on this thread). I'm actually wanting to work through my issues, tbh before I find myself actually old. I don't think transition ever ends, if you want my honest opinion. YMMV etc.

It's not the condition I hate... I've always been trans* and now I truly know who I am. I can't give up that insight... nor would I want to.

It's how effed up society is on gender; it's how I was repressed; it's how I'm destroying a marriage and causing pain to my wife and kids. That's what I hate.

And no matter how many times I tell my wife she was screwed over by society - not me, she'll always see it as my choice and my fault.

I used to hate it with a passion and I still would prefer to born a natal female. But do I hate it now? No! I've been dealing with this my entire life and it has cost me much more than money. But really at this point I've kinda have gotten used to being trans its a normal part of life for me now. I really can't hate it at this point and being on hrt has helped me greatly get over a lot of troubles I was having with my dysphoric feelings. I actually feel a lot better about my life now than I have at any point in my life.

Quote from: Heather on September 08, 2013, 09:16:32 PM
I used to hate it with a passion and I still would prefer to born a natal female. But do I hate it now? No! I've been dealing with this my entire life and it has cost me much more than money. But really at this point I've kinda have gotten used to being trans its a normal part of life for me now. I really can't hate it at this point and being on hrt has helped me greatly get over a lot of troubles I was having with my dysphoric feelings. I actually feel a lot better about my life now than I have at any point in my life.

You're looking good hun! You look more feminine every time you update your picture.

I used to hate it. I hated it before I knew it was what I was. I didn't understand why I felt the way I felt and locked it all away. All my trans thoughts were disguised as dreams and fantasies about being able to shape change my body into whoever I wanted to look like. Usually a woman's body.

The man that was me, Christopher, never hurt me.  He has always been like a good brother protecting me and trying his best to keep us sane. I actually hope that which was me never truly goes away. Those memories make me feel warm and loved now where as before it was a cold existence. Now I am Christine and quickly becoming the sister that I have always wanted when I was Christopher. I now feel complete and when I am done transitioning into full time I plan on becoming an activist and helping my fellow brothers and sisters get through their journeys to be what they wish to be.

I can't say I hate it or Like it. I hate how it makes me feel and what it has me do and not do and well.

It bugs me, but hate is a strong word...

I started hormones three years ago.
I've been through so many changes mentally and physically that there is no one simple answer for this.
Currently though, I've been going through the difficulty of realizing that I can never really be accepted as or inside accept myself as a woman simply because I never had all the experiences I would have had. Every rite of passage, and then of course the physiological fact of no ovaries and every time women talk about anything to do with periods, their ovaries, anything.. it's completely debilitating to any concept of viewing myself as a woman. I do feel like I've related in the gender of female since I was very young and all of my experiences have been from a female mind, but the body is still a testosterone invention. Remember, I've skipped a lot here, the entire first five years of mental and physical transformation, so there is a lot of time that was very joyous and wonderful as I began to transform. Now though, I view myself as a dyke lesbian and I realize of course that it was my gender identity inside me my whole life. I go for bottom surgery on Sept. 24. I know that in my mind I can never fully feel like genetic women or adopt any of the feelings of those rites of passage or experiences that I might have cherished, shared etc. These things are hard, because in meeting and talking with women, you have to face the difference all the time, in the chatter, being separate, not really included. Depending on your friends, yes, women will 'accept' you, if you're lucky, even to a degree that feels very  welcoming and warm. But there is always a slight separation equal to that of say being in a foreign land and speaking the language without all the nuances of a native tongue. The feel is just there. And it can never change. So, a little long here, but the point is, that now, as I go toward my bottom surgery, I'm beginning to feel like I may present and represent myself as naturally as I can which is basically a butch lesbian sort of semi- butch not hardcore, let's say 'tomboy', who is a woman that almost seems she wants to be a man. You know that that means, when you see a lesbian woman who is on the side leaning toward a male appearance, bub obvs has boobs an no penis, well, this girl ends up being in fact, in truth, a genetic male, pretending to be a female, pretending to be a male.. Using pretend as a bit of a tongue in cheek expression. I'm not 'pretending' anything at all ever. I am about as real as anyone gets at any moment in my life and I own the ground I stand on. It is where I am the most myself, at that moment, and my feelings, expression, gender or otherwise are as true to me as I can possibly be. One thing I will not do is pretend or lie or try to fit in as a transsexual woman of any ilk that society, yes, trans society, dictates to me. I am my own woman, a hybrid, one with body mods, an installed vagina (to come), small boobs for which I will be installing gummy bears, and a semi-dyke look that feels good to me. Who knows? One day I may wear dresses and be a full on lipstick lez. I have yet to go do FFS. I may change more and more into some state of being that I don't even know right now. The whole point of this for me is I want to be and express that being with as much integrity as I possibly can. Sure, it would have been nice to be born GG. I cried lots over it. I always will. But it would have been nice to have a loving family too, and I didn't have that. It would have been nice to have had a lot of things, but this here is what I've got. It's all I've got. And I'm doing the best damned job I can. With heart. With spirit breath. I believe that that is what makes me real on any level and nobody can take that away. So there. This is totally off the cuff, I'm not editing, I'm not changing it. I may read it later and go, oh that's not quite correct, it doesn't really reflect exactly right. But I am changing all the time. So...what difference does it make. This is me now here this moment. M.

Yes, I do. I hate it because of our crappy self perception and all the social pressures to be something we're not just because of a thing between our legs. I hate that we are persecuted for not conforming to social cues and standards and because I feel I can't compete with cis-gendered women,  and....

I could rant for ages but its depressing enough just to be trans without talking about it.

To a good extent I do. It would have been nice to have had a choice about my gender instead of having to bottle up my feelings for a decades and hope they went away. Now I have to fix what God screwed up, only it's not covered on a healthcare plan like everything else is. Also never being able to reproduce and having to take my hormones like vitamins is going to suck.

Most defiantly I just don't think of it. I wouldn't say I hate because I think being transgender is a gift but I get frustrated that I have to go threw a bunch if crap and surgeries to be me.

I don't mind at all because the "other" option is quite permanent and will make family and friends very sad