Hello, this is my first post on the forum and it is driven by the seeming lack of discussion about husbands who have a wife that is transitioning from female to male. My wife told me about her need to transition about 8 months ago and started taking T about 3 months ago. I've been watching my spouse transition and the whole experience has really been something. For the past year and a year to come we are geographically separated due to work/school so the stress of a long distance relationship on top of this has been a challenge. We see each other about every 6 weeks but talk or video every night. We have been married over 6 years, no kids.

This experience has really challenged me to consider what I view to be important in our relationship. I find him to be a truly amazing individual and that's why I haven't left him. Besides that, I can't imagine abandoning a spouse in the middle of all this, especially if he hasn't intentionally done anything to hurt me. Losing the female body next to me is rough, it bothers me, but not to the extent I'd abandon him. I started a new job and when people ask me about my wife I have to think about how I want to explain my situation. Do I tell them everything? It feels like I sell out my spouse that way. Do I just talk about him with the implication that I'm gay, when I don't think that describes me?

As often is the case, the most difficult part of the transition comes from family not accepting it. This has been dominated by my father, who refuses to listen or learn about the circumstances. My decision to stay with my spouse has caused him to stop talking or visiting with me. My mother isn't overly supportive either but at least talking to me. To overly simplify, it seems as though they had viewed my spouse as a way to have grand children and nothing else, so now that that's not going to happen I'm "throwing my life away." Thankfully my spouse's side of the family has been supportive but no one lives close together and communication is often slow.

My greatest fear, being that I'm not there for him in person, is that the challenges to transition will become too great to bear. Every time I call in the evening and I don't get an answer, I begin to worry. It feels like such a delicate balance and all it takes is for one a$$hole to open their mouth and throw the entire thing into disarray. I feel like I'm being supportive and a rock to him, but maybe I give myself too much credit. Long distance doesn't help, but I know being together isn't any guarantee either that nothing bad will happen.

So if there are other husbands going through this, please let me know what you think. It'd be nice to know that there are a few others out there.

Thank you for joining up and taking the time to post this.  I will let some of our FtM members and spouses have a crack at providing answers.

I think you are quite a person to stand up to those who are unaccepting.  And to stand by someone you love, through something that was probably unexpected.

I hope it continues to work out.

Welcome.

I have nothing to contribute in terms of advice.

But I wanted to say this:

You are a true gentleman and in every essence what a man should be. Your words have moved me greatly and I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours with your spouse. It is evident, that you clearly loved your partner as an individual - and you seem to have been quite selfless - I hope your partner can put aside his priorities for a moment and appreciate the pain you are willing to through yourself for the sake of love and loyalty.

I'm butting in, but in case anyone wanted a little context. The eloquent OP is my husband. I invited him to join ages back...figured he'd wander over at some point. 

I realize I'm incredibly lucky to have him in my life, and daily I feel guilt surrounding all the sacrifices he has made for me. The challenges spouses face are extreme, and I wish there was more support out there... We've always been there for each other, but it's hard for me to be his 'rock' when I'm the reason he's looking for support in the first place!

So if there are any other FtMs here who think they might be able to convince their husbands/boyfriends to check out the forum....

Quote from: MonHe on September 04, 2013, 05:39:10 AM
You are a true gentleman and in every essence what a man should be. Your words have moved me greatly and I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours with your spouse.

This, only much more eloquent than I would have written.

Awwww this is just too sweet and the world is a better place for you being in it, OP. Also, you made me cry lol

Quote from: MonHe on September 04, 2013, 05:39:10 AM
You are a true gentleman and in every essence what a man should be. Your words have moved me greatly and I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours with your spouse. It is evident, that you clearly loved your partner as an individual - and you seem to have been quite selfless - I hope your partner can put aside his priorities for a moment and appreciate the pain you are willing to through yourself for the sake of love and loyalty.

Awh :') THIS^

My partner is also FTM, but our situation is a little different because we were originally in a lesbian relationship.
But aside from that, I can completely relate to every that you said and are feeling. It is a difficult position to be in because we want to be there for our partners but all the while we have to adjust to what this means for us as well. What this means for your sexuality and what you introduce your partner as, is probably the thing I have struggled with most. I am now perceived by the general public as being in a heterosexual relationship, and that has taken ALOT of getting used to. It will be the same for you - you may not want to be boxed in as being a homosexual couple, but no doubt society will think you are on occasion. My major advice is to just be completely 100% open with your partner. Talk to them about your concerns, ask their opinion on what they want you to introduce them as. And vice versa. You have to remember that this is a transition for you BOTH. Don't forget to look after yourself. You are a wonderful person for sticking by your partner.

I think finding the right identity is the biggest challenge. As time goes on I'm sure I'll find it. I don't know that it really makes any difference in my workplace whether I'm viewed as gay or not. Among my peers I don't think anyone cares, I just can't tell with the oldtimers. And even then, it's not as though I'm worried about my safety, it's just that working with them will be more challenging.

If any other folks happen upon this, I'll keep checking up on it.

Hi, I am in sort of a similar situation as you. I am a straight man, married to a woman exploring transitioning. She has recently told me of her desire, she has been going to therapy for apparently over 2 months now, before she even confronted me. She is not comfortable including me in her sessions, at last not yet, but she did recommend I search and learn all I can either online, or seek out my own therapist.
She assured me she is and has always been attracted to me and has no plans to change that.
I am in total shock, even though there have been clues over the last couple years, I wouldn't have ever guessed this.
We have been in a female led relationship, which is something I introduced to her before we were married. I can't help but think, I might have led her to this. Our relationship started out fairly vanilla, but after I introduced a FLR to her, she found it suited her well. For me, everything became about her and pleasing and being supportive of her, she was free to be herself, which led to increased confidence, assertiveness, and leadership not only in our personal relationship, but in every thing else in her life. I love the feeling of being the supportive one.
She had always been a bit of a tomboy, but always cleaned up well and looked very beautiful, but over the last few years, she gained a lot of weight, started wearing little or no make up, wearing less feminine clothes, and started going longer between shaving her body hair, till she finally stopped last fall. This spring, she came home with a new super short haircut, and shocked me.  Then on the first warm day this summer, she decided we were going to town, and she was wearing shorts and a tank top. I asked her if she was going to shave, and she got mad and said "no, are you?" I said no, and she said "then why should I?".  I was puzzled, but I didn't want to say anymore, because I could tell it irritated her. So off we went. I felt humiliated the second we got out of the car. There were kids right off the bat who saw her legs, and laughed. We got in the mall, and the occasional stare was all around, I could hear whispers and comments all around. I just went numb and pretended I didn't hear anything. All the while, she seemed to ignore it like it wasn't happening. Her attitude was great and it was like she felt very comfortable. I remember how strange it seemed to me.
So pretty much all summer, where ever we went, it as the same thing, I guess I got used to it a bit, and she began to have some witty comments she would say back to people, depending on her mood.
Well, then came the day she told me of her desire to transition! I had never been so floored! I asked if it had anything to do with me suggesting the FLR years ago. She told me no, that she had known this since she was a child.
So, that's where I am now. Confused, dazed. I don't know what to expect, what if she wants to take hormones, or have surgery, what will my role be, hers, what do I call her, when do I call her a him. What will my parents think, what changes will she go through, what will sex be like, would we ever be able to have kids, so many questions!

Hi SandiaMan,

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Janet  )O(

Jeremy,

First off, don't blame yourself for your spouse's decision. It was something I thought about a lot as well, what did I do wrong to cause my spouse to do this. Did I push her to be too feminine and this is a rebellion? Or did she have too much independence and somehow that encouraged masculinity? When you really think about the ridiculousness of those two questions, to me at least it's clear that this isn't something you can cause to happen. I think you can cause a lot of things to happen by denying that it's happening, and odds are those aren't going to be positive things.

This is month nine of transition and my spouse passes as a man. He's taking testosterone shots once a week, his voice is deepening, and his build is getting more muscular. Clothing choices minimize the bust. Although the appearance has changed, there's no change to his personality or humor.

When you start to refer to her as him is really up to when they ask you to. I've met with his therapist once, we went together to see her, and it was a good thing to do. It did really tear me up when my spouse first told me about their need to transition, and I was dazed for a good month afterwards. Although I knew something was up I hadn't figured it out, and then a lot of what had happened the past few months made sense.

I've tried to be pretty selfless because transitioning is tough, even though we might think that society is very accepting. I was perhaps naive at first about that last part when I told my parents. Apparently what I'm doing is considered by my Dad as just about the worst thing I could do with my life. He pretty much cut off communication with me and has publicly degraded my spouse...I don't know if I can forgive him for those things. I don't know how anyone can justify that to themselves.

So, it's tough, ugly, beautiful, rare. I think your spouse needs to respect and support you, and you likewise. I can pass along some other resources if you're interested that have helped me.

You are in a rare situation.

I first came out to a guy I'd been with for several years. He was loving and supportive but we had some awkward situations in public. In private too, I guess. He does not consider himself to be a gay or even bisexual man, whereas I consider myself male and I'm attracted to other males. That's the definition of gay, but coming at it so roundabout made the label feel wrong to both of us.

I don't actually have advice on this. Everything depends so much on the particular situation and location and who is around and all that. Whether to be out and how to describe oneself and what gender people appear to be and etc etc my gosh. All I can say is good luck.

For what it's worth, we gradually detached as the romance faded. I don't know how much of that is gender-related. We kept having sex for years (safe and platonic), and didn't end that until it simply stopped working. Our bodies and identities are no longer sexually compatible. We remain good friends.

I encouraged my ex to come here, but he preferred an SO forum where most of the participants were the wives of MTFs. He said it was full of angry and bitter women who felt betrayed...and he eventually stopped going there. I thought that Susan's was a much more supportive space, but maybe he never came here because he thought of it as my place.

In fantasy, I've seen myself as a gay boy even before my sexual awakening--even before I knew about gay and straight. Years before I transitioned, he used to say that I was a gay man in a woman's body. He was gay-friendly but definitely not gay. I don't know how he described me to people, but we weren't together for very long after I started T, so maybe he kept using female pronouns. He once told me that he wasn't gay and wouldn't be a part of the gay community; I was fine with that but desperately needed to be in the community myself.

Actually, I wasn't fine with it. I wanted him to be gay, too, and I couldn't see how I could live in the relationship in the way that it was evolving. I could finally be out as the gay man I was, but I couldn't take my lover with me. It felt like some sort of bizarre version of separate but equal.

I can't even imagine what he went through in those nine or ten months, but I feel that his unwillingness to really communicate doomed the relationship. I have also felt that it was my fault for not being strong enough to stave off transition for just a little while longer, although god knows that twenty years was enough. I have felt that it was my fault for being trans in the first place, as if I could change that. That's why I keep coming back to communication. That was something that COULD be changed, but we stopped having it.

So if you're still communicating, here's to you. It ain't easy.

Jeremy, I just wanted to add that not all cis women wear makeup, have long hair, or shave... I don't to any of those things and I was born and consider myself female! So as far as people's rude comments go, screw 'em, they're just clinging to outdated, patriarchal notions of what beauty is and what a woman is supposed to be (or man for that matter; not all men come in male bodies!).

Good luck, and I hope you find this forum helpful and supportive!

I'm a wife married to a trans woman, so you may not want my input, but I wanted to say briefly that a lot of your story resonates with me and the good news is that as long as you're both in love and trying hard to make it work there is absolutely hope.

(also that the silliness of "did I do this?" becomes clear if we imagine *trying* to do it! I mean, can you picture marrying a person who isn't trans and trying to manipulate them into transition? It *might* be possible, but it'd take some heavy-duty long-term brainwashing and otherwise messing with their head, and it's hardly something you could do by accident. That's evil supervillain territory.)

SandiaMan, thanks for your words, so very relatable! Even the part about your dad, because I know mine will be reacting the same way. Sad reality!
This week I had planned to go met a therapist on my own, and actually scheduled an appointment. Last night, just to see the reaction of my spouse and to try to open a door of communication. I mentioned I had a meeting with a therapist scheduled. His reaction, was almost joyful, and instead, invited me to come to his next session. Also, there was a little bit of light shed on many things, one of which was in fact he will be living as a male, and would like me to view him as one and use correct pronouns etc.
I am a little more at ease now, since I don't have to guess anymore. I am hoping my mind will not race and wander so much. Also, finding a group like this helps so much.
I can only imagine how much harder it is/was for you, not being able to be home every night! So, if you are making it, it gives me hope I can too, thanks

Jeremy,

It really is about the communication, and distance does make that a challenge. I think we've done a fairly good job despite that, and it probably explains why things continue to plug along. Probably the biggest thing I never really thought about before this was how society expects each gender to be. I live in an entertainment capital so there are plenty of billboards advertising idealized women and men. It's really made me question things at a much deeper level than I otherwise would have. Things as simple as shaving have huge connotations associated with them...how long have people even been shaving for?

I'm probably overdue for talking with a therapist again, although I'm glad I'm able to talk about this here. This forum seems immune to a lot of bitterness I saw elsewhere. It makes the honest exchange of ideas much easier. I recognize that doesn't happen on its own so thanks to everyone who keeps it that way!

SandiaMan, I can relate to what you said about the bitterness. I wish my SO hadn't gone to that other site so much and been exposed to so much negativity. I doubt that we would have worked things out, but I think we would have had a better chance if he had gotten some real support. We definitely would have had a better shot if he hadn't shut down and refused to talk about it.

Nothing I did was right. He wanted progress reports, but he would wave me away when I tried to tell him what was going on. Once, I lay in wait for him and basically cornered him in the kitchen--one of the only chances I had to talk to him, since he usually had headphones on and was in the middle of a game--and told him I needed to start T. He yelled at me and escaped back to his game.

Later, he complained that I never told him what was going on. How could I when he wouldn't let me? I tried, but communication is a two-way street. And that site he was going to didn't seem very supportive. I'm sure he felt all alone, but the didn't have to be. Not completely.

I'm glad to have you guys on Susan's Place. I will support you all I can.

I agree--Susan's Place is the best!

I looked at a lot of forums for S.O.s when my wife came out because I really wanted to talk about things related to her transition, and so many were exactly as you described, full of bitterness. It was hard for me as someone who was very supportive and excited about my wife's transition to go to those other boards because I just ended up getting angry.

I was doing some thinking about the bitterness side today. Some of the cases I had read where when not only was a spouse transitioning, but there was also infidelity involved. I think that would be a hard situation...perhaps you could divide it and approach each aspect separately. With emotions running high, I'm sure that would be difficult, and if you found a few others all having similar experiences, bring on the venting!

Honest communication comes with trust, creating that safe environment where ideas can be expressed. It's amazing how fragile that environment can be. In the past few weeks I read articles about the Huffington Post and Popular Science revamping their comments sections at the end of articles. I know it's been a topic on here before about the things that are said on trans articles, and with the anonymity of the internet, no real consequences to very hateful speech. If there's one thing that I could adjust in society, it would be the art of conversation...not just saying things but discussing them. I think this forum is doing a pretty good job at that.