I've been really depressed the last two days. Everything seems to be bringing me down. Just so wanting to transition but can't because I'm scared. I've waited so long and I only have to wait until next summer until I can move out, but it's killing me. Getting to the point where I can't focus on school (grades are starting to drop) or even have a normal conversation without my dysphoria creeping from the back of my mind. I'm so terrified of people, how they'll react. I've never been brave enough to come out in school so I've waited and waited. And now my 18th birthday is just two days away and I feel like all this waiting has been for nothing. I feel like I'm not going to be able to transition at all.  That I'll end up starting transition and not be able to afford even a place to live. And my parent's aren't going to have anything to do with me once I tell them. I'm going to lose all my family. I just feel so alone and don't know what to do. I'm super stressed. Everything just piles up, schoolwork, college planning, becoming an adult, and as the cherry on top is that I'm transgender. I don't know what to do. It's like all my life I've been building a tower and that transitioning will be the one thing to topple everything. I want to transition so badly... I just can't yet. I still have to stay closeted... and that hurts.

Sorry for that little rant... I just needed to share that with someone... if you have any suggestions of things I can do to just make it until next summer, I'd appreciate it... thanks.

You'll get through it.  Trust me, I know stress.  I have scars all over my body from it - the biggest ones being related to a triple bypass.

Take one thing at a time.  Whether it be schoolwork, therapy, relationships, friends.

Don't let your grades go, okay?  That's the ticket to your future as the authentic you.  Think of every good grade as one step closer to being yourself.

Get out and take a walk.  It is very stress-relieving, and for me, gives me time to collect my thoughts.  Once in a while I will go over to the park, walk/run the track 8 times, and stops to do the exercise apparatuses.

Oh!  and Happy Birthday.  Big day.

I had to wait 40 years to transition baby. You'll make it and you will look a lot better than I hope to. As for the other stuff, it seems loss is always a part of our life. I lost a lot of the things you talk about, but when it was all over, I felt a HUGE weight off my shoulders. Stick with us, we'll get you through it all. Love and hugs!

Big hug! We're all guilty of doing what you are, hon. We sit there and think about all of the hurdles and it seems too much. But you only have to clear one hurdle at a time. Set a small goal and achieve it, that puts you in a better spot to take on the next challenge. Hugs, Devlyn

First of all, you are not alone.  There are many people here for you that have gone through the same thing at one time.   Believe me,  this sounds like it could have been written by me a few years ago (and even the current day me to a degree). 

May I ask, why do you think you are going to lose all of your family?  While that sometimes does happen, it also can turn out okay too.  The world is a hard place, but it's becoming a better one for the transgender community in recent years (even if at a slow place).

Courtney, you are really young.  There is so much that you can do to prepare yourself and develop a good strategy for yourself to move forward.  I didn't do that and regret it to some degree.  If I could turn back time, I would have made plans around your age so I could have started when I was 19 instead of 24.  I'm not suggesting you start sooner or later (that's your call), but it always is good to have a plan for when you do.   If you do that, things may not be as uncertain as they appear to you now.

Lastly, your grades are important.  Try not to worry about everything at once and focus on one thing at a time.  A good education can get you far in this world.  Take advantage of the wealth of knowledge that is available to you and make something of yourself.  I'm sure you can. 

Quote from: CourtneyAngelina on October 01, 2013, 06:57:10 PM
I've been really depressed the last two days. Everything seems to be bringing me down. Just so wanting to transition but can't because I'm scared. I've waited so long and I only have to wait until next summer until I can move out, but it's killing me. Getting to the point where I can't focus on school (grades are starting to drop) or even have a normal conversation without my dysphoria creeping from the back of my mind. I'm so terrified of people, how they'll react. I've never been brave enough to come out in school so I've waited and waited. And now my 18th birthday is just two days away and I feel like all this waiting has been for nothing. I feel like I'm not going to be able to transition at all.  That I'll end up starting transition and not be able to afford even a place to live. And my parent's aren't going to have anything to do with me once I tell them. I'm going to lose all my family. I just feel so alone and don't know what to do. I'm super stressed. Everything just piles up, schoolwork, college planning, becoming an adult, and as the cherry on top is that I'm transgender. I don't know what to do. It's like all my life I've been building a tower and that transitioning will be the one thing to topple everything. I want to transition so badly... I just can't yet. I still have to stay closeted... and that hurts.

Sorry for that little rant... I just needed to share that with someone... if you have any suggestions of things I can do to just make it until next summer, I'd appreciate it... thanks.

That's not a bad rant Courtney, to be honest there is not much different there than a lot of your peers here go through that are close to your age, and some of us old creaky types too. Let me give you a few ideas that don't cost an arm and a leg but will give you some valuable forward momentum.

What do you really know about being a woman? Go to the local shopping mall and do a little window shopping, while you are at it you can observe other women and how they behave, there's a lot to learn at the mall observing feminine body language. While you are there look at different clothing items and assemble in your mind what would amount to a few good styles and outfits that you would look good in. This is a time for training that inner woman to get an eye for mix and match combos that would make up a great wardrobe and get you past the nervousness of browsing through the women's departments. Go to a makeup kiosk and have one of the gals show you how to use makeup. They love to makeup someone's face and it's free, I did that in male mode at Macy's once, it was a thrill and a good learning experience

Google the web site of a transgender support group and check out meeting times and dates. Make it a plan to attend and connect with some of the members there. They usually have the lowdown on a counseling service that can help you on a sliding scale based on your ability to pay. Get started in counseling. Best advice is to come up with a plan of how you are going to move ahead and write out the words you plan to use when you come out to parents, siblings and friends, then start by picking one person that you want to share it with for a starter. Don't waste any time having a poor me pity party, thats just totally counterproductive and only leads to depression, you don't want to go there. Keep us posted on your progress, we want you to work proactively on your quest for personal happiness and the realization of your dreams, no-one can do it for you, so it's up to you to get started. My best! ~Shan~

Quote from: Jamie de la Rosa on October 01, 2013, 07:06:32 PM
You'll get through it.  Trust me, I know stress.  I have scars all over my body from it - the biggest ones being related to a triple bypass.

Take one thing at a time.  Whether it be schoolwork, therapy, relationships, friends.

Don't let your grades go, okay?  That's the ticket to your future as the authentic you.  Think of every good grade as one step closer to being yourself.

Get out and take a walk.  It is very stress-relieving, and for me, gives me time to collect my thoughts.  Once in a while I will go over to the park, walk/run the track 8 times, and stops to do the exercise apparatuses.

Oh!  and Happy Birthday.  Big day.

Thanks Jamie. It's just really stressful feeling like you have no where to turn. I turned here so obviously that feeling is wrong... but I still feel alone sometimes.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 01, 2013, 07:08:44 PM
I had to wait 40 years to transition baby. You'll make it and you will look a lot better than I hope to. As for the other stuff, it seems loss is always a part of our life. I lost a lot of the things you talk about, but when it was all over, I felt a HUGE weight off my shoulders. Stick with us, we'll get you through it all. Love and hugs!

I don't know how you did it Jess... 40 years? You are a strong person. I first learned what trans was in 7th grade, so it's been 6 years... and I already feel like it's been forever. Hopefully 8 more months is all I have to wait, anymore and I'm just not going to have the will to maintain things in life. ( college, friends, work, etc... ) I barely do as it is.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 01, 2013, 07:11:47 PM
Big hug! We're all guilty of doing what you are, hon. We sit there and think about all of the hurdles and it seems too much. But you only have to clear one hurdle at a time. Set a small goal and achieve it, that puts you in a better spot to take on the next challenge. Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Devlyn. I just don't know what hurdles else are left before the hurdle I've been avoiding all this time. Maybe there are a few left and I just have to look for them.

Quote from: learningtolive on October 01, 2013, 07:14:20 PM
First of all, you are not alone.  There are many people here for you that have gone through the same thing at one time.   Believe me,  this sounds like it could have been written by me a few years ago (and even the current day me to a degree). 

May I ask, why do you think you are going to lose all of your family?  While that sometimes does happen, it also can turn out okay too.  The world is a hard place, but it's becoming a better one for the transgender community in recent years (even if at a slow place).

Courtney, you are really young.  There is so much that you can do to prepare yourself and develop a good strategy for yourself to move forward.  I didn't do that and regret it to some degree.  If I could turn back time, I would have made plans around your age so I could have started when I was 19 instead of 24.  I'm not suggesting you start sooner or later (that's your call), but it always is good to have a plan for when you do.   If you do that, things may not be as uncertain as they appear to you now.

Lastly, your grades are important.  Try not to worry about everything at once and focus on one thing at a time.  A good education can get you far in this world.  Take advantage of the wealth of knowledge that is available to you and make something of yourself.  I'm sure you can. 

My parents love me and I know they always will, but they are extremely conservative. That being said, they are very anti-LGBT and probably even more so anti trans than anti-gay. I've heard my mother rant about trans people before how "that's really a man" and what not... broke my heart when I heard her saying those things. But at least I have a clear idea on their standpoint. So I know I can't rely on them. And that being said, I know almost without a doubt that transitioning will mean losing them completely.

I know I'm young, and I know a lot of you out there wish you were my age when you began, and I'm so so thankful to all of you who transitioned before me because that has given me the knowledge I need to transition younger... but from where I'm standing I just don't know what I can possibly do. If I get accepted into a college with on campus living, I may be alright for a few years. But I will still be scared of peers. If I don't get into college, I will have to chose between transitioning while being homeless, or not transitioning while having a place to call home, but being so depressed I might as well not live. I've been planning this for six years and those are the only two doorways I can see.

Quote from: Shantel on October 01, 2013, 07:38:48 PM
That's not a bad rant Courtney, to be honest there is not much different there than a lot of your peers here go through that are close to your age, and some of us old creaky types too. Let me give you a few ideas that don't cost an arm and a leg but will give you some valuable forward momentum.

What do you really know about being a woman? Go to the local shopping mall and do a little window shopping, while you are at it you can observe other women and how they behave, there's a lot to learn at the mall observing feminine body language. While you are there look at different clothing items and assemble in your mind what would amount to a few good styles and outfits that you would look good in. This is a time for training that inner woman to get an eye for mix and match combos that would make up a great wardrobe and get you past the nervousness of browsing through the women's departments. Go to a makeup kiosk and have one of the gals show you how to use makeup. They love to makeup someone's face and it's free, I did that in male mode at Macy's once, it was a thrill and a good learning experience

Google the web site of a transgender support group and check out meeting times and dates. Make it a plan to attend and connect with some of the members there. They usually have the lowdown on a counseling service that can help you on a sliding scale based on your ability to pay. Get started in counseling. Best advice is to come up with a plan of how you are going to move ahead and write out the words you plan to use when you come out to parents, siblings and friends, then start by picking one person that you want to share it with for a starter. Don't waste any time having a poor me pity party, thats just totally counterproductive and only leads to depression, you don't want to go there. Keep us posted on your progress, we want you to work proactively on your quest for personal happiness and the realization of your dreams, no-one can do it for you, so it's up to you to get started. My best! ~Shan~

I am the most socially awkward person ever. I'm embarrassed to walk through the girls section at a place like Target( that's how pathetic I am ). I am so terrified of people and those who judge me when they don't know me. I don't know how I can get around that, that fear has been engraved in my mind since before I can remember. As far as a support group, I wish I could, but two things hold me back. First is that like I said before, I'm extremely socially awkward and would even be nervous talking to people like me. Second is that I still live with my parents and so I can't really leave in the car on a regular schedule without telling my parents where I'm going.

Shantel has a great point. I found a therapist at our state university. She is letting a doctoral candidate provide my therapy with her oversight. It only cost's me $25.00 a session and I am getting great care. In the private sector without insurance you could expect to spend between $90.00 - $200.00 a session! she even hooked me up with the Endocrinologist who started my HRT at a huge discount ( about half in the private sector). Even better I get labs done at the university for around 1/4 what you pay at an office. Lab bills can be as high as $1,000.00 (I pay way less than that). So check out your local college for therapy.

Quote from: CourtneyAngelina on October 01, 2013, 06:57:10 PM
I've been really depressed the last two days. Everything seems to be bringing me down. Just so wanting to transition but can't because I'm scared. I've waited so long and I only have to wait until next summer until I can move out, but it's killing me. Getting to the point where I can't focus on school (grades are starting to drop) or even have a normal conversation without my dysphoria creeping from the back of my mind. I'm so terrified of people, how they'll react. I've never been brave enough to come out in school so I've waited and waited. And now my 18th birthday is just two days away and I feel like all this waiting has been for nothing. I feel like I'm not going to be able to transition at all.  That I'll end up starting transition and not be able to afford even a place to live. And my parent's aren't going to have anything to do with me once I tell them. I'm going to lose all my family. I just feel so alone and don't know what to do. I'm super stressed. Everything just piles up, schoolwork, college planning, becoming an adult, and as the cherry on top is that I'm transgender. I don't know what to do. It's like all my life I've been building a tower and that transitioning will be the one thing to topple everything. I want to transition so badly... I just can't yet. I still have to stay closeted... and that hurts.

Sorry for that little rant... I just needed to share that with someone... if you have any suggestions of things I can do to just make it until next summer, I'd appreciate it... thanks.

We all share those same fears, I share many of the same ones that you do. Out of all the crazy things I've done in life, like working around high explosives for a while where I could have been killed by the simplest of mistakes and it never scared me one bit even those few times when small explosions did happen. I can't explain it but in those situations where I have almost died I always have had a smile on my face right afterwards with the thought in the back of my mind that there's got to be a reason why I just survived this unscathed in clear instances where I SHOULD have been hurt badly, I lived through it because the real me wants to live and be happy, she/I has been there to help me though the real bad low times. The things that lay before me scare me more that anything I have ever faced in my life but I HAVE to tackle them head on regardless of the outcome for my own sake. I've waited nearly 17 years after first realizing who I am and what I was. I realized it all too around 7th grade but I could never act because I was always to frightened by the what if's back then as in the 90's you NEVER heard of kids switching genders. I had responsibilities to live up to at the time and spent the majority of my 20's helping my parents and sister stay afloat financially and was constantly stuck in a situation where I couldn't even begin to explore my true self. Once I got them on their feet and I was able to get away on my own I began to creep out and am now about to take the first step in the process and see a LBGT therapist next week. Just keep your eye on the goal, your happiness. Even if you have to put things off for a short while to accommodate the reality that you are in you can still find happiness when the time is right for you. Your still very young with a long life ahead of you. Just remember even when you are alone there are always people around here and in the real world who care about you regardless of who you are.

Quote from: CourtneyAngelina on October 01, 2013, 06:57:10 PM
I've been really depressed the last two days. Everything seems to be bringing me down. Just so wanting to transition but can't because I'm scared. I've waited so long and I only have to wait until next summer until I can move out, but it's killing me. Getting to the point where I can't focus on school (grades are starting to drop) or even have a normal conversation without my dysphoria creeping from the back of my mind. I'm so terrified of people, how they'll react. I've never been brave enough to come out in school so I've waited and waited. And now my 18th birthday is just two days away and I feel like all this waiting has been for nothing. I feel like I'm not going to be able to transition at all.  That I'll end up starting transition and not be able to afford even a place to live. And my parent's aren't going to have anything to do with me once I tell them. I'm going to lose all my family. I just feel so alone and don't know what to do. I'm super stressed. Everything just piles up, schoolwork, college planning, becoming an adult, and as the cherry on top is that I'm transgender. I don't know what to do. It's like all my life I've been building a tower and that transitioning will be the one thing to topple everything. I want to transition so badly... I just can't yet. I still have to stay closeted... and that hurts.

Sorry for that little rant... I just needed to share that with someone... if you have any suggestions of things I can do to just make it until next summer, I'd appreciate it... thanks.

Hi Hunn

What you said kind of struck a cord with me since at around the same age (16-18) my grades dropped significantly and had the same feelings you have. I was pretty much stressing about the future and how everything would fit together (It used to be a question over if it would even get as far as progressing with my life, then it became how everything would work out) which really did a number on my concentration at school and at home (I must have been a real nightmare to live with at the time). My mum already gave me an earful (A one time threat to hit me with a hoover, but I probably provoked that one) when I corrected her on the FtM I was with at the time and I ended up walking out of the house for a few days. That person really helped me, just to express myself verbally and frankly helped consolidate a lot of those feelings (The person was going though things at the same time).

I still haven't had the big 'talk' with her, which still is unnerving me. But sometimes, the only way that things work is when you give each other space. Right now, the best thing for me to do is keep to my plan (yes, I have a plan x, Its fluid and have to make revisions constantly), move out eventually and then broach the subject in its entirety. (Please also note that I lead an almost double life. When out and at work, I'm me, a normal girl - a bit nervous at times -, and while at home, I throw on an old t-shirt and put on the old staple of the grumpy *Cough*Son*Cough*. People give me weird looks when I say how we haven't had the big talk yet, since it's so obvious that I have changed since I was 17-18 (I'm 22 now, been on oestrogen since around then)

I suppose I probably am the worst person to put my piece out there since I got through this by almost rolling over (My grades really tanked). Being out of the education system and getting a job where I was in control over my own future is another thing what helped me (Though ironically, I am back and now in university and working a full time job. Sometimes the time off helps. If I went straight from education to education, I would have ). What I think is the best thing to do is find someone (It doesn't need to be a professional, just someone you can really open up to and feel a genuine connection with, be it a new friend that you meet here or one in your circle of friends etc) and just... talk (Try and have a solid foundation first, as I have tried the whole - Friends and only talking about trans issues, doesn't work!). It took me a while, but eventually, the whole trans issue became a secondary issue (After I got so far and became more comfortable with myself) and then you start worrying about other things.

I know EVERYONE says it, but if you do want to talk (I know everyone needs to at some point) I would be more than happy to do so.

Mel x