I'm just starting out on my journey, I can't say I hate it but I do dislike some aspects of it. Yeah, there is a sense of self hatred of myself that I couldn't just be normal and happy with myself but just acknowledging to myself that this is who I am and accept that fact has greatly reduced that self hatred by quite a bit. Then that feeling that you are a failure because you can't live up to your family's dream/wishes for you. Or at least that's how I feel when my parents give me a male compliment about how proud they are of how I turned out to be a respectable, kind and strong man. That's something that tears me up inside and makes me feel bad knowing that there's no way I'll ever live up to their dreams that they have for me. But hey it's my life to live and not theirs so in the end I need to live for me.
Not knowing what will happen with family and friends is another thing that I'm not too keen about either but that's just life in general as even if I were completely normal there's no guarantee that everything would just be all glitter and unicorns with how I'd see my life going if I continue to live the lie.
The positive side of it is at least I can FINALLY be happy with whom I am after almost 20 years of feeling wrong for so long and you just can't put a price on that. By far that happiness I feel being the real me out weighs all of the downsides I feel. I'd rather face the uncertainty of my own future than to continue to live a huge lie and always feel miserable that there is a void in my life that can never be filled from living a lie and crushing up and hiding my true feelings.

I think for me,it's not being TS that is the big thing,it's the unintended consequences that went along with it. Trying so hard to be "normal" and fit into "acceptable" norms. And I failed miserably. The one thing I can not shake is somewhere in the back of my mind that it was a factor in my second wives suicide. Not that it was all of it but somehow I just couldn't be what she needed. (She always told me it was like living with another woman) It's been over 13 years and I still can't shake it. It is the hardest thing trying to put behind me in this.

Quote from: SarahM777 on October 01, 2013, 08:36:11 PM
I think for me,it's not being TS that is the big thing,it's the unintended consequences that went along with it. Trying so hard to be "normal" and fit into "acceptable" norms. And I failed miserably. The one thing I can not shake is somewhere in the back of my mind that it was a factor in my second wives suicide. Not that it was all of it but somehow I just couldn't be what she needed. (She always told me it was like living with another woman) It's been over 13 years and I still can't shake it. It is the hardest thing trying to put behind me in this.

Oh, Sarah. Some wounds never heal no matter how much time passes. It seems that the best we can hope for is for the ache to lessen.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Hate is a powerful word! I don't hate being transsexual because I love myself. I realized that it is the world who forces their beliefs and standards on others, making you feel lesser than you are. I would have been happier if I was born a woman. I accept the fact that I wasn't and that isn't gonna change. I feel that I personally struggled with wanting to be a genetic woman, and fit in as one of them. My gender is separate from male or female, I am a different kind of woman. I want people to accept me for who I am, and all that I am. I am not a man, I am not a genetic woman, I am a trans-woman, and I love it baby! 

Hate seems like the wrong word for me. I have felt a lot of pain and face a lot of challenges because of it. I have faced other challenges before, and they have prepared me for this. I also know that one day I'll be able to apply the strength that I have gained from transition later on in my life.

I do see this as valuable because if I were given the chance to be born in a female body free of genetic condition then I would still want to retain the experience of my life as it is now.

Quote from: Constance on October 01, 2013, 09:43:04 PM
Oh, Sarah. Some wounds never heal no matter how much time passes. It seems that the best we can hope for is for the ache to lessen.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Thanks Connie,

Maybe there's a lesson in there. I have become aware that even though I'm the one that has to deal with most of it,what I do with it does affect those around me,and maybe I have become a bit more sensitive to them too.

I can honestly say, yes. I hate being transsexual, but only one part of it.  I hate that I wasn't just born the way I should have been.

Then there's this, I love being a transsexual.  Not because of it being transsexual, but because of the things it ultimately gives you, even if you feel it's nothing but crap.  Having gone through this, we become more resilient.  Not only that but being exposed to issues like this gives us a heck of a lot of understanding when other people have their problems.  That, and ultimately at the end of the day, some of us- I hope most of us, become much happier people on the other side.  That's always a great feeling.

It really depends on what you want to see, I'm fairly okay with being Transsexual.

Quote from: Nidalexi on October 04, 2013, 10:58:39 AM
I can honestly say, yes. I hate being transsexual, but only one part of it.  I hate that I wasn't just born the way I should have been.

On that I can't say I hate it. I wish I'd come out earlier, but it's something few people have - the desire to change and the experience of having both.

But I am super jealous of FAABs...

Quote from: kabit on October 04, 2013, 12:21:52 PM
On that I can't say I hate it. I wish I'd come out earlier, but it's something few people have - the desire to change and the experience of having both.

But I am super jealous of FAABs...

Eh, I legitimately just want normality. Make me ugly, make me sick, but make me a woman and I'll be happy.

Quote from: carrie359 on September 30, 2013, 01:28:45 PM
For me, a transexual..54 years old.. wanting so much to transition.. wanting it more than almost anything.. not ever gonna be complete  as a man but... have a wife of 31 years that is my soul mate I will destroy..that is what I hate. We both lost our parents when young, I am all she has now, we built a life together.. and now I am not sure I can go on living as a man.. It hurts, there is pain, there are consequences..there is regret.
Its complicated. I am looking at my options including taking medication that may numb the pain so I can go on as a man...I am a girl on the inside totally that is not up for debate since I was a child... So I like being a woman but I don't like that my body does not match my mind. After considering suicide and crying a river of tears the last few weeks yes I hate it.. I admit it..I am in limbo just as I have been 54 years.. I am trapped. I have always been a great problem solver.. and this puzzle has too many missing pieces..can't seem to put it all together..
Carrie

Hello Carrie! I understand to some degree how you feel, so please understand my intention is of good heart. You are 54 years of age, and you have been married for 31 years. It is apparent to me that you had GID far longer than you have been married. I understand that your wife is very important to you and you love her. I don't know how your wife feels about transsexuals, but if she is your soul mate allow her to know your soul, your true feelings, if she really loves you, she can live with any decision to make to become healthier and feel more alive and happy. Who wouldn't want that for someone they care for? I am not telling you to go through with it, but sometimes we need to take risks, you may never know how she may respond to it. I had a best friend for 19 years and just recently found out he was into guys. The decision of course is yours, I wish you the best with any decision you make!

There are *aspects* of it I hate.  The pain.  The hurt.  The delays.  The hoops.  The loss.  The rejection.

I would off-load and cast aside this burden in an instant.  I think.

I think because I'll never know what that would be like.  This isn't a fad, a game, a diversion, perversion or whatever-the-hell-naysayers say.  It is part of me.  I could no more get rid of it than I could change my height, race, or species type.  As such, I have embraced it and do NOT hate it.

Quote from: JenAtLast on October 05, 2013, 07:59:07 PM
There are *aspects* of it I hate.  The pain.  The hurt.  The delays.  The hoops.  The loss.  The rejection.

I would off-load and cast aside this burden in an instant.  I think.

I think because I'll never know what that would be like.  This isn't a fad, a game, a diversion, perversion or whatever-the-hell-naysayers say.  It is part of me.  I could no more get rid of it than I could change my height, race, or species type.  As such, I have embraced it and do NOT hate it.

Wonderful and insightful.

Yes, there are certain things about the process that are absolutely terrible. 

But I do not identify as transsexual, trans-anything... these are labels... we are human beings.  I identify as a woman, except when I was little, when I identified as a girl and had not learned any of the labels yet.

For clinical purposes, though, I have to check the boxes on the form and endure the bureaucracy, tell them what they want to hear so I can get a driving licence and a passport that says F; grovel to get permission to have my birth defect corrected.  I'm wondering if I should also lie and say that I've turned 'straight'; but then again they may force me to take another HIV test, as that would lump me in with their 'gay male' study group.

The real me might disqualify me in the eyes of 'professionals' from the straight community, who impose their standards on us, suddenly finding ethics (ethics that they never had when dispensing ritalin like candy).  Presuming to dictate to me what a woman should and should not be, who her partners should and shouldn't be, shouldn't be too outspoken... reasonably clever but not too intelligent... and certainly never bruise a fragile male ego.

But then again... for me Feminism has always been about every woman's freedom to be herself.   

But the revolution hasn't happened yet.  So I check the boxes and move on, and work to help younger people in the same position as I am, so that they shouldn't have to go through what I went through.   The standards-makers don't count the youth suicides... but our small communities do.

Quote from: Karla on October 08, 2013, 09:51:43 AM
But then again... for me Feminism has always been about every woman's freedom to be herself.   

For me too! and every man for that matter.
But at the moment that is often not what feminism is about unfortunately.

Quote from: Sibila on October 08, 2013, 10:05:50 AM
For me too! and every man for that matter.
But at the moment that is often not what feminism is about unfortunately.

Yes! We're the 4th wave.

4th wave, rising up !

Pack the gin.

Quote from: kabit on October 08, 2013, 10:21:39 AM
Yes! We're the 4th wave.

Quote from: Joules on October 08, 2013, 12:22:28 PM
If only.  Feminism has been so damaged by waves 1, 2 and 3, we'd do better to find a new handle before we embark.

In that case, I'd avoid the terms "feminism" and "feminist."
It really isn't a female only issue. It covers a very broad spectrum of gender... and it makes sense for us to be at the forefront of it.

"Gender Rights" ? I realize mysogeny and male (and cis) privilige are big issues, but men should definitely be included. Male privilige is as not extended to those who don't strive toward that masculine ideal. I've certainly benefited from privilige, but not nearly as much as most men (just far more than most women ).

Don't go hating on feminism, peeps. 3rd wave and post feminists have done more for our cause than we normally are wont to recognize.

I'm a pretty staunch feminist, just for the record.

We're also not at the forefront of anything alone. Our battles are only won day by day with the aid of those who accept us and see our cause as true and just. Without them, we'd be nowhere so, let's not get too sanctimonious, shall we?

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on October 08, 2013, 12:33:46 PM
Don't go hating on feminism, peeps. 3rd wave and post feminists have done more for our cause than we normally are wont to recognize.

I'm a pretty staunch feminist, just for the record.

We're also not at the forefront of anything alone. Our battles are only won day by day with the aid of those who accept us and see our cause as true and just. Without them, we'd be nowhere so, let's not get too sanctimonious, shall we?

I've had very, very, very bad experience with feminists in regards to the MTF community. Very bad experiences.  I don't think they do crap for us, because they usually tend to think we're just men trying to invade "the only thing they have."

Quote from: Nidalexi on October 08, 2013, 02:07:41 PM
I've had very, very, very bad experience with feminists in regards to the MTF community. Very bad experiences.  I don't think they do crap for us, because they usually tend to think we're just men trying to invade "the only thing they have."

I just can't wait until I can come out on Facebook. There are a few feminists I think will accept me... but I'm really, really curious!! They don't reject me now as a male (presenting) feminist... so...

That's the problem - there are so many different kinds of feminists that the word gets corrupted. I can't think of many places where men are that the word "feminist" would be taken positively. I think a change in vocabulary would help bring men into the fold. It's a discussion all people need to be involved in... not just us women.