if you have the choice between your family or your transition and happiness what you will choose?! i'm in a bad situation ..if i chose my transition i will be happy but not 100% i feel like i will betray the persons bring me to this world and leave them alone cause there hopes are too high that i'm the person who will save them from being poor and make them proud,if i choose stay with them i will loose my self and happiness and win them i feel complettly lost what you think i should do?!

I always say to look out for number 1 unless it directly hurts others. But in this case you're only looking at potentially indirectly hurting your family. You didn't ask to be born into the family or to have these expectations. You exist because of them, but they can't just exist because of you. That's an unfair expectation.

It would be like hiring me into a company when I could have worked anywhere. But then expecting me to stay there and save the company working day and night for them without having a life myself. Now if that happened to any of us, we'd just quit and find work elsewhere because striving to save something you didn't ask to be such a big part of isn't worth losing a life.

I left my family to transition so I understand the hardships involved.  I just don't think it's fair to bring up kids with the expectations that they'll fix things or solve all their problems. It's a lot of pressure on a kid!

In the end you're the only one that can answer what you choose to do. I just think you have to always remember what is best for you in terms of not just happiness, but safety. Your family should always want what's best and safe for you.  You have to determine what your options are and what you sacrifice by not going one way or the other and determine from there which sacrifice you can actually live with.

Jack thnx for the reply bro,it's hard to make a choice cause someone gonna hurt anyway,i never lived for my self i always was there for them ,and they were there for me i mean they feed me buy me anything i want they never say no about something the only thing they are against is me being me and correct my problem and transitioning that the subject make problems between us and changed everything,i love them to death they are my family but i have the right to be happy too..

My heart goes out to you: you're in a very difficult situation.

You only have one life - you have to live it according to what is right for you. You have every right to your own happiness, and I'm sure your loved ones wouldn't want you to be miserable for their sakes. Ask yourself this: are the people who brought you into this world always going to be part of your life? You know the answer: sadly, the day will come when they will leave this world. But you are never going to be away from yourself... so you're the person who needs your love and support more than anyone else.

Here's a suggestion: move to one of the European countries that has socialised medicine, claim asylum on the grounds of being persecuted for being trans*, and transition in relative safety whilst sending money back home so that you can fulfil your duty to your family. If you're granted (e.g) British citizenship, you can change your travel documents to male... and possibly return home to your folks once you've transitioned.

Life is never going to be made up of 100% happiness for anyone. That's just the reality of it, unfortunately. Sometimes the only thing we can do is choose what kind of happiness and what kind of sadness we have.

My own family has made me pretty callous so my opinion on this sort of subject might be a little blunt but here it is: You weren't the one who decided to come into this world and you didn't choose the family you were born into. It was your parents who brought you into this world and into their lives therefore you are their responsibility whether they like it or not. It doesn't work the other way around. Your parents are the ones who are obligated to take responsibility for their actions and provide for you until you're able to take care of yourself and they should never expect anything in return. You don't owe them anything and you aren't obligated to them in any way. The only person you're obligated to is yourself. If they wanted to find a way out of being poor and if they truly cared about you, they would work to find a way out of their poorness themselves rather than pushing such a huge burden off on you. If they cared about you, they would allow you to be yourself rather than forcing you to be someone you don't want to be. Don't betray yourself for your family.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on October 02, 2013, 05:54:23 PM
Ask yourself this: are the people who brought you into this world always going to be part of your life? You know the answer: sadly, the day will come when they will leave this world. But you are never going to be away from yourself... so you're the person who needs your love and support more than anyone else.

^ That's a perfect reason why you should be true to yourself. As mean as this may sound, the only person who truly cares about you is... you.  So become the person that you can be proud of.

Sometimes it's difficult to understand where people are coming from through text because my judgement is clouded with my own disdain for being forced into 'family' situations.

If your family would be ashamed of you for being trans, then they don't love you. They love their idea of you, and while you may feel obligated to care for them as best you can, IF they don't accept you for who you are then they are not worthy of your dedication.
If your family is unable to provide for itself, their situation could be made better by having a strong male figure to lead them into a more comfortable life. Like it or not, our world is sexist and women get the short end of the stick in many cases. In this hypothetical case, your family would benefit from your transition. Especially in certain countries (probably like yours) men are afforded more rights as far as gainful employment and public respect. It might behoove you to take the advice of others and transition out of country and then return so that you can fulfill any desires you have to help even more in person. You can certainly work hard and send money back home in the mean time. Millions of people do it, even in their own countries. Grown children often live just a few towns over if that, and send their elderly parents money to supplement their fixed income. It can work out well as long as there is mutual respect.
oi
Modified to add - In answer to your question I do what's best for me and manage the collateral damage if there is any. My legally married husband may decide to divorce me because he suddenly decides he can't tolerate being seen as a gay man for the rest of his life, and if that happens I'll deal with it. I'm not going to waste what little time I have alive worrying about the what if's. Also, my transition sets me up to be in a better position to provide for a family. If my parents ever ask for my help when they need it, I'm more than happy to give what I can at the time, but I'm not going to hold myself back waiting for them to ask.

Quote from: jossef-ftm on October 02, 2013, 03:38:21 PM
if you have the choice between your family or your transition and happiness what you will choose?! i'm in a bad situation ..if i chose my transition i will be happy but not 100% i feel like i will betray the persons bring me to this world and leave them alone cause there hopes are too high that i'm the person who will save them from being poor and make them proud,if i choose stay with them i will loose my self and happiness and win them i feel complettly lost what you think i should do?!

I never wanted to choose between my famely or my transition. I been crying over it so many times because I had fear of losing my famely. I dont feel I got a choice.

I cant really not be myself just for the sake of my famely. it can happent over time but I know how it works. Mentally I wont do my best, I wont work probably I wont be as social and be able to bring the happiness there should be. I know I wont be able to fullfill my parrents expectations on how I should be and even if I did, I would likely end up killing myself and bring alot of sorrow to them.

its a very hard thing, and it may not be the same answer for everyone. some people live abit in the middle.
Like one mtf I know lived alot of her life on a bar where she was precenting female. while at home she where male.
I also know my Mtf friend who keep sending her parrents money to suport even when they dont seams to suport her transition.

 I would do what was best for me. Your parents do not have to live in your body or in your head for the rest of your life. You do.


As far as you helping them, I am willing to bet that if you move away and then transition and get a good job, you will be able to send money home just as easily as if you were there.

When you are comfortable in your own skin you will be better equipped to make them proud....

It's a hard thing, and only you can really decide. I don't think family is ever 100% happy though. You know they are going to be unhappy with something. Maybe your choice in spouses or career or whatever. My parents never knew about this (I think my mom would have been okay), but I think they were disappointed about certain things: I did not chose their religion; I didn't marry; I didn't make more money; etc. You know there is going to be something they will dislike. I kind of went (this is even before transition) with not worrying too much about what they thought and hopefully bring them along on things.


I know you live in a quite different society than the US or Western Europe or Australia, where most of come from though. So I know things will be harder in that some other societies are more closer. I already lived a few hundred miles away from them, so I don't know if people in your culture do that.


--Jay

Quote from: jossef-ftm on October 02, 2013, 03:38:21 PM
if you have the choice between your family or your transition and happiness what you will choose?! i'm in a bad situation ..if i chose my transition i will be happy but not 100% i feel like i will betray the persons bring me to this world and leave them alone cause there hopes are too high that i'm the person who will save them from being poor and make them proud,if i choose stay with them i will loose my self and happiness and win them i feel complettly lost what you think i should do?!

I'm not FTM- but I feel like I should comment here.  Are you absolutely sure they are opposed?  My parents were much the same when I initially told them my position, they were opposed to it.  But after some times they thought about it and in the end they decided- Yes, they don't want me to do this, but they also acknowledged that it isn't something they can understand.  So, they ended up just saying, if this is truly what I want to do, then I should do it. Whatever makes me happy and successful.

In the end, if it's a choice between yourself and your family then yes, you should choose yourself.  They DID care for you, they DID bring you in to this world but that means nothing, when all you do is lead a life of misery.  You know what's right for you, and it will suck if and when you have to make that decision.  In the long run, I feel you honestly would prefer this road.

I tried (oh, how I tried) to make people happy and do for them.  Always.  Now I'm near forty and have finally realized that I have never truly loved myself, and I have never truly lived.  I felt I was *wrong*, that I was some kind of monster.  Anger was not *me*, and so I internalized it, turning on myself instead of the outside world.  Only recently, after being through so much, have I realized that by not being true to myself I have cheated my friends and family from knowing the real me.

I *am* transitioning now, regardless of how my family and friends feel about it.  Something that helps is to realize that if they truly love me, they want me to be happy.  And if they truly love *me* they will love the person that has been hiding within all my life.  And if they can't, well... maybe they didn't *love* me after all.  They certainly don't love *me*.

I hope this helps, in some small way.  I truly wish I had learned this lesson much, much sooner... but then again my life is richer for having my stepdaughters and my bio-daughter in it, so I guess I really wouldn't change anything.  :\

First thank you guys for the replies and advices,second i want you guys to know its different than living in usa or europe ,here we are arabic muslims,kids dont be away from there parents until they get married and that's for boys and girls and the one who break that rule the family reject him/her,so for the ones say to be away then send money ,it's not like that if i do what in my mind then the family will reject me,the wont accept my money they wont let me one of them,my money and me being around them will become ''haraam'' cause i'm a sinner for them,so there is no middle choice,i have to choose to keep living that way and win my family,or be away and transition and be alone without a family,i hope you understand me better now guys..

Quote from: jossef-ftm on October 04, 2013, 04:08:00 PM
First thank you guys for the replies and advices,second i want you guys to know its different than living in usa or europe ,here we are arabic muslims,kids dont be away from there parents until they get married and that's for boys and girls and the one who break that rule the family reject him/her,so for the ones say to be away then send money ,it's not like that if i do what in my mind then the family will reject me,the wont accept my money they wont let me one of them,my money and me being around them will become ''haraam'' cause i'm a sinner for them,so there is no middle choice,i have to choose to keep living that way and win my family,or be away and transition and be alone without a family,i hope you understand me better now guys..

Choose what you feel is best for you. I can tell you one thing is for sure, you will never be okay with lying to yourself.  How you feel right now, ths conflict, it won't go away.  You can hide it all you want but in the end it'll just come back and hit harder. 

You need to make the choice in a way it best suits you, can you survive if you become yourself? Can you pay for yourself to become who you are? Will you be able to live on your own successfully?

Ultimately, you need to be true to yourself or you won't be happy.

Quote from: jossef-ftm on October 04, 2013, 04:08:00 PM
First thank you guys for the replies and advices,second i want you guys to know its different than living in usa or europe ,here we are arabic muslims,kids dont be away from there parents until they get married and that's for boys and girls and the one who break that rule the family reject him/her,so for the ones say to be away then send money ,it's not like that if i do what in my mind then the family will reject me,the wont accept my money they wont let me one of them,my money and me being around them will become ''haraam'' cause i'm a sinner for them,so there is no middle choice,i have to choose to keep living that way and win my family,or be away and transition and be alone without a family,i hope you understand me better now guys..

Actually kind of what I suspected just do to what you have said. Obviously there *are* people that break that, but I would gather it would be very hard for them and they have to be extremely strong to deal with the rejection of thinking they are not only going against their family but to Allah (though there are Christian groups which are like this too). I don't envy you at all going thru this.


--Jay

My 2 1/2 cents worth "Me always first".

Family will come around if they truly respect you as a person you always been.

Its sad it comes to this but you need to truly respect yourself and who you are.

I know not one of my family members spend all there time living my life. or i have theres.

Get strong and stop the cycle of fears.

Hugs
Izzy

Quote from: androidnick on October 04, 2013, 06:06:34 PM
I think what people here are failing to see and what he kind of restated is that he is from a Muslim family. And the part of the world he is from, there is no "coming around" to the choice he made. It is all or nothing. We are all lucky in the sense that we CAN have that mentality that maybe one day our parents would come around. I am really sorry you are in the position you are in. At the end of the day I hope you find the right path for you. It is easy to tell someone what to do without being completely in their shoes so I will leave it at that.

I actually based my entire post around that fact.

Quote from: androidnick on October 04, 2013, 06:06:34 PM
I think what people here are failing to see and what he kind of restated is that he is from a Muslim family. And the part of the world he is from, there is no "coming around" to the choice he made. It is all or nothing. We are all lucky in the sense that we CAN have that mentality that maybe one day our parents would come around. I am really sorry you are in the position you are in. At the end of the day I hope you find the right path for you. It is easy to tell someone what to do without being completely in their shoes so I will leave it at that.

Yes and no to this. At the same time i had my SRS there was a lovely Muslim lady there for the same thing. She walked away from her home land and family to be happy.

Truly what is life about, its living the best happy life one can. I know for her she gave up a lot, but she shared with me that inside she also found that inner peace she so much needed to survive and was truly happy for the first time in 42 years.

Izzy

Edit: what i am really trying to say is you are your only keeper in life. As so you need to make decisions that have your best interest in life, sometimes these choices are hard to make. But one you do be ready to live by these choices.

Quote from: jossef-ftm on October 04, 2013, 04:08:00 PM
First thank you guys for the replies and advices,second i want you guys to know its different than living in usa or europe ,here we are arabic muslims,kids dont be away from there parents until they get married and that's for boys and girls and the one who break that rule the family reject him/her,so for the ones say to be away then send money ,it's not like that if i do what in my mind then the family will reject me,the wont accept my money they wont let me one of them,my money and me being around them will become ''haraam'' cause i'm a sinner for them,so there is no middle choice,i have to choose to keep living that way and win my family,or be away and transition and be alone without a family,i hope you understand me better now guys..

Sorry I didn't take it into consideration. I where simple thinking of friends I know like one guy from Iran who do something simular. (aka work in my country and go home to his famely once in a while, they dont know his gay I dont think so.)
I know the situation is diffrent being Ftm. I guess I should seach out for some better advice For people who raised more by the muslim culture.

i think there are a few lucky ones who manage to stay in touch with (part of) their family even after leaving their country to pursue a life that the religion doesn't allow. if you manage to get out of your country without all your neighbors knowing the reason, there is a chance that some of your family will still love you enough to talk to you on the phone or accept money that you send. it really depends on whether they place religion over your and their own well-being. receiving money from you if people around them know you're trans might compromise their safety, so i don't think that option will work even if they do love you rather unconditionally. i doubt you'd be able to go back to visit them, but if some of them are interested, they should be able to visit you.

and that's the only solution i can see right now for you being able to support your family. i understand that they have high expectations of you, but if living up to them makes you miserable, it could kill you or you could have a mental breakdown. if that happens, you won't be able to continue supporting them even if you live the way that they think is best for you. having support in being someone you're really not, will not help you reach any goals, and definitely not happiness.

still, if you love your family more than yourself, and think living your life for them is truly worthwhile, then you might also feel good enough staying there. self sacrifice isn't the worst thing a person can do. but you have to be sure that you really want to do that if it's going to work.