Hey girls I'm just posting about a confusing matter in regards to my family and whether they are truly supportive or not.

Now they allow me to dress fully how I wish too, my mom helps me out with my make up supplies if I'm in need of some, my sister even based her birthday party around gender bending so that I could be myself fully as I haven't yet fully transitioned socially (I'm getting there though ).

However they still stubbornly refuse to refer to me by the proper pronouns or my chosen name even when it's just the family all around at home. I mean not once since I came out (a full year now) have they referred to me as a she or called me Paige, in fact me even saying my name or writing it down seems to upset them. I mean just last week I wrote dad a note and said love Paige and my mum got all antsy about it saying please don't write that name down, your fathers very stressed and stuff. Sigh.  In the end it won't matter of course because I plan to legally change my name and gender next year after coming out fully and living full time but it would be nice to hear them call me the proper name and pronouns or at least try to.

I'm confused I just don't get them.

xx

Hi Paige

You are looking good!!!

They are still in some denial. I'd try not to let it get you down, as usual the change is bigger for them than it is for you.

I would ignore them and keep using your name and pronouns.

It takes time ... a long time.

It sounds like they still have some issues with your transition.  My family won't call me by the proper pronouns and it's because they can't stand losing their "son" or "brother".  While I don't know your family, it seems like that may be the case for you.  Have you had a talk with them?  Try to gauge their feelings and open a dialogue?

Quote from: learningtolive on October 09, 2013, 03:28:00 AM
It sounds like they still have some issues with your transition.  My family won't call me by the proper pronouns and it's because they can't stand losing their "son" or "brother".  While I don't know your family, it seems like that may be the case for you.  Have you had a talk with them?  Try to gauge their feelings and open a dialogue?

Yep I have asked them about it every now and then and they usually say it's too soon or maybe when u actually look female or okay we will try but its only because u'll get upset if we don't etc. And the conversation usually ends with me seen as the one at fault not them. And it really ticks me off at times. I mean when I finally did my 3 months therapy requirement and got my letter they were all upset saying this is wrong, it's way too fast etc. I mean they are under the impression I shouldn't expect to be qualified to get my srs for at least 5-10 years. The issue is I tell them this is my journey and I should be in control of how I progress but they keep saying we are on this journey with u and to slow down (to a snail's pace pretty much) because we need longer to adjust. Trust me I they were to learn that I planned on legally changing my name next year and come out full time they would absolutely flip.

Hmmm, y'know the first thing I'd do is start playing hard ball with your family. Ironically, this has been  something that I've been thinking about myself, when I go full time in the New Year. So I've devised a method that I think will work. Just ignore them untill they use the right name or pronouns, and you're just wasting your time if you're having to write it down for them everytime. They know what it is. Unfortunately it's just like learningtolive had said, they're afraid to lose their "son" or "brother." Just as mine are, but it's our decision, not theirs.

I agree with you 100% that this is your journey and you should be able be in control of how you progress.

Stand strong baby girl! We support you fully (even though you are more beautiful than I will ever be) and I have no doubt they will come around eventually. Just like you, they have been through a lot. At least they still talk to and support you to some degree. My family kicked me out of their lives with a forever clause. Be patient, it will come. BIG HUG!! Have a good day girlfriend! 

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 09, 2013, 02:48:15 AM
Hey girls I'm just posting about a confusing matter in regards to my family and whether they are truly supportive or not.

Now they allow me to dress fully how I wish too, my mom helps me out with my make up supplies if I'm in need of some, my sister even based her birthday party around gender bending so that I could be myself fully as I haven't yet fully transitioned socially (I'm getting there though ).

However they still stubbornly refuse to refer to me by the proper pronouns or my chosen name even when it's just the family all around at home. I mean not once since I came out (a full year now) have they referred to me as a she or called me Paige, in fact me even saying my name or writing it down seems to upset them. I mean just last week I wrote dad a note and said love Paige and my mum got all antsy about it saying please don't write that name down, your fathers very stressed and stuff. Sigh.  In the end it won't matter of course because I plan to legally change my name and gender next year after coming out fully and living full time but it would be nice to hear them call me the proper name and pronouns or at least try to.

I'm confused I just don't get them.

xx

I told my family 4 years ago and they still cant use the pronouns or my name haha its really just how much they can handle. After all there bro/son they knew for X years is now a sis it will wreak there minds for quite a while. Possibly forever, just dont force them thats never the way.

Hope it gets better.

Ive noticed some family members, usually male, still refer to me as he, or him a lot, and it hurts my feelings! Some try out of those few mentioned, but not enough and the best approach I have is to smile at them when they do, and go about conversation or what have you. As for the ones that try? I give them a ton of props, as it is generally hard to see their son/brother/uncle no longer such. In their minds, its what they were used to, and while we have had x many years to deal and find a way to handle this, they havent. But im lenient lol, other family members, if hearing it, right down to my understanding and so much adored nieces, gently correct the offenders, lol! Some offenders even catch themselves, and say "he, i mean she"! While it may be slightly embaressing, or hurtfull, I no longer voice it as such, reason being they are accepting and loving, and embrace me for me Sometimes, it takes people longer than others, to fully get on board. Four monthes ago I was just a one year army vet brag about uncle/brother/son. Now im a loving aunt/sister/daughter, and Ive realized in time that different levels of acceptance arent really on us, but the other persons speed of understanding or processing what is going on. In the end, them showing they accept and love us, may not be at our preffered pace due to the simplicity of it in our mind, to them, it may be a complex math problem they have no calculator for.  Give them time, from the story I read above, it seems you are love and accepted and they are coming around to it at their own pace and what not. If it takes longer than a year to be adjusted, I would then voice my concerns. Much love and blessings to you, Paige! You look amazing!

  just ignore them.

It's easier said than done, I know, but the only solution is to work on your OUTSIDE transition, that is... if the world eventually will call you Paige, well, they will surrender.
They are simply trying to protect you (in their minds) because they see still some "male" in you and they grasp it, like a drowning person grasps a floating wood.



The solution is to make them realize that they can swim in your new female sea, without drowning.

Quote from: Marina mtf on October 10, 2013, 06:47:49 AM
just ignore them.

It's easier said than done, I know, but the only solution is to work on your OUTSIDE transition, that is... if the world eventually will call you Paige, well, they will surrender.
They are simply trying to protect you (in their minds) because they see still some "male" in you and they grasp it, like a drowning person grasps a floating wood.



The solution is to make them realize that they can swim in your new female sea, without drowning.

+1 Yes that's it!

I'm sorry Paige.  I know what it's like and it sucks.  Last night I went out with my friend to a support group.  When I returned, my mom was in tears begging me with bribes to stop my transition.  After I calmly explained that this isn't really a choice, she then threatened to have me kidnapped me and send me to some foreign country. What's scary is that she may be serious. Family can be stubborn; sometimes to a point that makes us crazy.   I have no advice on how to change their mind or make things better, as you can see I'm still not out of the woods,  but I do hope things improve.  I guess my best suggestion is to try and understand that this is difficult for them as well.  That's what I try to tell myself. Still, they really should be coming around at this point, and I feel for you.  Have you tried family therapy?  I know I'm trying to force my mom to see a shrink, so that things will improve.  Maybe your family just needs to speak with someone to help them cope and come around?  I'm sorry it's so tough.  Please hang in there.

Quote from: learningtolive on October 10, 2013, 01:57:16 PM
I'm sorry Paige.  I know what it's like and it sucks.  Last night I went out with my friend to a support group.  When I returned, my mom was in tears begging me with bribes to stop my transition.  After I calmly explained that this isn't really a choice, she then threatened to have me kidnapped me and send me to some foreign country. What's scary is that she may be serious. Family can be stubborn; sometimes to a point that makes us crazy.   I have no advice on how to change their mind or make things better, as you can see I'm still not out of the woods,  but I do hope things improve.  I guess my best suggestion is to try and understand that this is difficult for them as well.  That's what I try to tell myself. Still, they really should be coming around at this point, and I feel for you.  Have you tried family therapy?  I know I'm trying to force my mom to see a shrink, so that things will improve.  Maybe your family just needs to speak with someone to help them cope and come around?  I'm sorry it's so tough.  Please hang in there.

Yeah well actually they are usually the ones forcing family therapy on me with a therapist named Steven Caroll. It hasn't happened anymore but a few months ago they basically ganged up on me (the therapist as well) making me the only one at fault. (i.e my sister said I was being an ->-bleeped-<- because I was ignoring her or my family when they called me by my birth name and only answered when they said PB (My nickname for the past year by them which I thought would be good as it would help them slowly morph away from the male name without going full on female name). Also that I had become more distant to them as them continuously viewing me as male was hurting my very being and I honestly didn't want to be around them as it hurt too much. They said I was rushing it and my father said ill probably regret taking hormones, that I'll end up ugly and not get any positive changes.

Supposed gender therapist remains mainly on families side saying I should consider their feelings, that they're on this journey with you and you should move at a pace right for them (which means basically at the very least no hrt till  like a full year of therapy and srs probably in 10 years). Dad goes to say he finds it stupid to only do therapy for 3 months and be able to start hormones. The only way they calmed down about the issue was when the therapist said the effects are mostly reversible. At the end we excited all happy go and the like they saying this was a great step and things have worked out for the better, which though I was happy they calmed down about it all was still depressed about how little things really improved. Parents always say therapist over my opinion because he knows these things and I don't pretty much. Sigh....

Looking great in your pic there.

Try taking away some of the pain of losing old you with a little humor.   Put a big ole pronoun jar in the middle of the table and insist that all proceeds go to srs.  The more they misgender you, the more change goes in.

But honey I feel for you.  Its your right to be gendered correctly and it helps with the dysphoria.

Sorry you're having to deal with this Paige

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 15, 2013, 04:16:16 AM
Yeah well actually they are usually the ones forcing family therapy on me with a therapist named Steven Caroll. It hasn't happened anymore but a few months ago they basically ganged up on me (the therapist as well) making me the only one at fault. (i.e my sister said I was being an ->-bleeped-<- because I was ignoring her or my family when they called me by my birth name and only answered when they said PB (My nickname for the past year by them which I thought would be good as it would help them slowly morph away from the male name without going full on female name). Also that I had become more distant to them as them continuously viewing me as male was hurting my very being and I honestly didn't want to be around them as it hurt too much. They said I was rushing it and my father said ill probably regret taking hormones, that I'll end up ugly and not get any positive changes.

Supposed gender therapist remains mainly on families side saying I should consider their feelings, that they're on this journey with you and you should move at a pace right for them (which means basically at the very least no hrt till  like a full year of therapy and srs probably in 10 years). Dad goes to say he finds it stupid to only do therapy for 3 months and be able to start hormones. The only way they calmed down about the issue was when the therapist said the effects are mostly reversible. At the end we excited all happy go and the like they saying this was a great step and things have worked out for the better, which though I was happy they calmed down about it all was still depressed about how little things really improved. Parents always say therapist over my opinion because he knows these things and I don't pretty much. Sigh....

Well honey, surprise, surprise your life is not all about them! I'm assuming that you're still living under their roof? If thats so they can say what they want, but in the final analysis it's your life after all and they can't live it for you, so you should listen peacefully and respectfully to their manipulative advice and then quietly do as you wish.

Quote from: Shantel on October 15, 2013, 01:15:45 PM
Well honey, surprise, surprise your life is not all about them! I'm assuming that you're still living under their roof? If thats so they can say what they want, but in the final analysis it's your life after all and they can't live it for you, so you should listen peacefully and respectfully to their manipulative advice and then quietly do as you wish.

Yeah that's what I've come to do, they can say what they want but in the end it doesn't matter two hoots to me. It's a shame mainly because I love them so much but I must do what's best for me. Honestly I'd prefer not living with them but financially its my best option for saving up for future surgeries, paying electrolysis, hrt, therapy sessions etc so I'll just have to bear with it in the mean time. 

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 15, 2013, 03:47:16 PM
Yeah that's what I've come to do, they can say what they want but in the end it doesn't matter two hoots to me. It's a shame mainly because I love them so much but I must do what's best for me. Honestly I'd prefer not living with them but financially its my best option for saving up for future surgeries, paying electrolysis, hrt, therapy sessions etc so I'll just have to bear with it in the mean time.

That is one way we pay our dues Miss, sounds like the most viable plan for you at this point.

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 15, 2013, 03:47:16 PM
Yeah that's what I've come to do, they can say what they want but in the end it doesn't matter two hoots to me. It's a shame mainly because I love them so much but I must do what's best for me. Honestly I'd prefer not living with them but financially its my best option for saving up for future surgeries, paying electrolysis, hrt, therapy sessions etc so I'll just have to bear with it in the mean time.

Believe me, I totally understand where you are coming from.  It's tough to deal with family when living under their roof.   I wish I had a great answer for you, but I just want you to know you aren't alone.  It sucks.  Families should be more understanding and accepting of us, but it's often a struggle. Nonetheless, respect is a two way street and they should try to work with you as you have been accommodating of their hesitance for a long time. 

Hmm well I once again attempted not answering them when they said my birth name. Ended with the conversation as follows. Mum: Oh for gods sake PB answer!! Me:Yeah I'm just doing the cat food. Mum: Answer when we call you!! Me: yeah I did. Dad: Look if I want to call u "insert birth name" I will call u "insert birth name"!!! Sigh

Quote from: Paige0000 on October 24, 2013, 03:36:32 AM
Hmm well I once again attempted not answering them when they said my birth name. Ended with the conversation as follows. Mum: Oh for gods sake PB answer!! Me:Yeah I'm just doing the cat food. Mum: Answer when we call you!! Me: yeah I did. Dad: Look if I want to call u "insert birth name" I will call u "insert birth name"!!! Sigh

Maybe start calling them things they don't want to be called.  It might get them to see your point of view if you refer to your Dad as Mum and vice versa?